Brother's new wife has left me out of everything...

Reprisebride

My brother is getting married next weekend and she asked me to be a bridesmaid last year after they got engaged. Before I explain more, I've never been rude or mean to her. She's 22 and I'm 30. I agreed to be a bridesmaid including buying my custom $400 dollar bridesmaid dress. At first, I thought maybe she was just caught up in her wedding or too young to realize she needs to inform all her bridemaids of all the important information, but I was sadly mistaken after a picture I came across on Facebook.

Her Bachelorette party was last Saturday and I saw a picture of her and every single one of her bridesmaid wearing customized matching t-shirts and outfits in a picture right before her Bachelorette party. After seeing this, I realized my good nature of giving her the benefit of the doubt was me being too nice again.

The reason I am so mad is because she never even invited me to the Bachelorette party, never made me a bridemaids shirt and never told me any information about it. I am so offended I spent over an hour crying last night, trying to figure out why I wasn't included. I have never in my life been left out of something in such a cruel, demeaning way. I'm so mad. I want to walk out of the wedding right now, but I would never do this to my brother. I love him too much.

Also, I found out the details of my bridemaid's dress the night of Thanksgiving, after seeing her the same day, from a text from my brother about where to get the dress. She never even had the courtesy to tell the dress delights in person. She also went with all her bridesmaids to purchase their dresses. I was excluded from that as well.

She has yet to tell me how to wear my hair, except I needed to grow my hair out or else (I got hair extensions), about my makeup, my shoes, where to meet the day of the wedding, or anything about the rehearsal dinner. I've been finding all the information out via my mother. Also, she booked a spa day for us, but I work a full time job and have kids.

I feel so demeaned and left out right now. I never treated any of my bridesmaid this way. I made sure they were all in the loop for everything.

I'm so mad right now. How dare she treat me this way! What would you do if you were me?

I would love to say something to her, but I don't want to ruin the wedding.

I've decided to get ready with my husband and kids and just meet at the church. I can't stomach feeling left out again.

What would you do?

AddieCake

Reprisebride said:

My brother is getting married next weekend and she asked me to be a bridesmaid last year after they got engaged. Before I explain more, I've never been rude or mean to her. She's 22 and I'm 30. I agreed to be a bridesmaid including buying my custom $400 dollar bridesmaid dress. At first, I thought maybe she was just caught up in her wedding or too young to realize she needs to inform all her bridemaids of all the important information, but I was sadly mistaken after a picture I came across on Facebook.

Her Bachelorette party was last Saturday and I saw a picture of her and every single one of her bridesmaid wearing customized matching t-shirts and outfits in a picture right before her Bachelorette party. After seeing this, I realized my good nature of giving her the benefit of the doubt was me being too nice again.

The reason I am so mad is because she never even invited me to the Bachelorette party, never made me a bridemaids shirt and never told me any information about it. I am so offended I spent over an hour crying last night, trying to figure out why I wasn't included. I have never in my life been left out of something in such a cruel, demeaning way. I'm so mad. I want to walk out of the wedding right now, but I would never do this to my brother. I love him too much.

Also, I found out the details of my bridemaid's dress the night of Thanksgiving, after seeing her the same day, from a text from my brother about where to get the dress. She never even had the courtesy to tell the dress delights in person. She also went with all her bridesmaids to purchase their dresses. I was excluded from that as well.

She has yet to tell me how to wear my hair, except I needed to grow my hair out or else (I got hair extensions), about my makeup, my shoes, where to meet the day of the wedding, or anything about the rehearsal dinner. I've been finding all the information out via my mother. Also, she booked a spa day for us, but I work a full time job and have kids.

I feel so demeaned and left out right now. I never treated any of my bridesmaid this way. I made sure they were all in the loop for everything.

I'm so mad right now. How dare she treat me this way! What would you do if you were me?

I would love to say something to her, but I don't want to ruin the wedding.

I've decided to get ready with my husband and kids and just meet at the church. I can't stomach feeling left out again.

What would you do?

I would ask her why she didn't invite you to the bachelorette party or to go dress shopping. I would NOT have gotten hair extensions to meet her demands that you grow your hair out. I would also tell both her and your brother that if they can't be bothered to give you information for the wedding, you won't be participating. She clearly doesn't want you in this wedding, so I wouldn't even want to be in it if I were you. 

tammym1001

From the info you gave I get the feeling that she only asked you because you are her FI's sibling. It seems like maybe she just wanted her friends. That's really crappy of her! If it were me, a week before the wedding I would just be in the wedding and not say anything. Once the wedding is over though it may help you to talk to her about being hurt over being left out. It would suck if this ruined your relationship with your sister in law.

doeydo

It sounds like she only asked you because you are her FI's sister.  She probably doesn't want to actually be close(r) to you.   For the bachelorette party, if they went out drinking or got penis related things, she probably wouldn't feel comfortable doing that sort of thing with you.  

She probably went dress shopping and stuff with the other girls because they are her close friends.

As for your hair, make-up, shoes, etc. just do it the way you want to (do not let her control your hair length or anything like that).  As long as you are there on time for the ceremony and walk down the aisle, that is all that is really needed from you as a bridesmaid.  

mysticl

Maybe it was the person hosting the bachelorette party who didn't invite you and the bride didn't know until it was too late.  Maybe they thought a 30-year-old married mom wouldn't be interested.  I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt on that one.

As to the rest of it I agree it sounds like she asked you out of obligation.  Get ready on your own, show up at the church on time, and remember you love your brother.  Also, remember she's young and still has some growing up to do.  So don't let this color your entire relationship with her.  She could change and learn to be much more considerate over the years.  

NYCMercedes

I'm so sorry you're hurting. She sounds like one of the Mean Girls. There is lots of good advice above. I'd certainly ask her directly why you were left out of the bachelorette party. I'd also ask my brother to see if he knows if something was up. He's your brother and shouldn't let his FI hurt his sister.

Simply Fated

She's not treating you well, as a bridesmaid. She obviously asked you just because you're her Fi's sister. She probably figured, "I did enough by asking her." If she had any hope to create a sisterly bond, she failed.
Honestly? I'd sell my $400 dress on ebay, go to the wedding as a guest and have a good time with my family.

gothic_fairy60

I would also sell the dress on ebay. I know you spent a lot of money on it but it was disrespectful of them not to include you in the bach party or dress shopping since all the other girls were included. I would simply inform brother and his FI that I didn't sign up for that and attend as a guest. I would not want to stand up at the alter for someone who didn't want me there.

Nymeru

I would talk to her, and then depending on her answers figure out what to do.  If she truly is being selfish and inconsiderate, I'd drop out of the wedding party.  Otherwise, try to move past the hurt and hope for the best in the future.  Easier said than done, I know.

RebeccaFlower

She is being so mean to you and your brother is letting it happen, so I wouldn't let him off the hook either. I think you should just drop of of the wedding since clearly they don't want you to be. I know it's so hard, but they need to learn that you will not be treated this way and by letting them, you're letting them think they can. 

So sorry they're being such douches. I was in a somewhat-similar situation and it blows. 

bmydesigner

Am I the only one caught up on the $400 dress? Was your budget even addressed prior to the dress purchase? Because if not, that is not cool at all.

Also, don't conform your hair to her vision. Be yourself & if she doesn't like it oh well.

I think you may be better not being in this bridal party. I'm so sorry you're hurting

climbingsingle

I'm really sorry. I'd be incredibly hurt by that too. I'd also call her up and ask why you weren't included. And then based on her reply/reaction, I'd figure out my next step. 

EverAfer

I would be mad too.

Sure, she'd have more fun with just her friends, but she asked you to be a bridesmaid and you accepted. They should have invited you out for the Bach and gave you the opportunity to decline if you'd like.  She should have made the effort to make you feel included or asked if you want more/less involvement.

I had bridesmaids in two different states, some single, some married, some with three children. Everyone was invited to everything but also encouraged to go do their things independently (ie  pick up dress) if it's better for their schedule.

I would not spend $400 on a dress and extensions (seriously?) for someone who doesn't treat me well. 

Chipmunk415

I am so sorry she's treating you so poorly. You need to address this head on with her. No yelling, just point blank why you weren't included.

Re the extensions, evil chipmunk would have bought a wig to wear in front of her prior to wedding, then show up at RD and wedding with normal shorter hair

egirl2015

You have every right to be hurt and you should definitely say something to her.  But I think you should wait until after the wedding. If she were just a friend I'd say drop out but she is marrying your brother.  It’s his special day too so let them both have it and then stand up for yourself.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

bananasplit472001

I would be pissed.  It sounds like a blatant attempt at excluding you.  Honestly I would at this point just move on and not even listen to any more of her demands.  If she can't tell you directly what she wants then she doesn't get it.  Do not put extensions in your hair and do your hair and make-up however you please.  It's one day and i'm sure how you look won't ruin her wedding day.

hales2010

That is very rude of her. My FSIL has been included in everything. She will not at the Bach party (we are talking about having a combined one) because she is 16. My MOH though is planning a little movie night at her parents house who has a movie theater in their basement for us to do with her since she will be the only that will not be legal drinking age or of age to go to a cabin with the wedding party.

I think I would have mostly been hurt by the fact I did not get a bridesmaid shirt and especially about the dress shopping. The fact that she is not giving you information would definitely make me mad. If she can't give you respect of a normal bridesmiad I would almost not be in the wedding. She needs to learn that she need to respect all of the people asks. I am 22 and would definitely give a bridesmaid the same respect and invites as any others regardless of age (obviously we are making plans for the underage one above)

Philly999

I entirely hear you!

I'm in a similar situation right now...FSIL has been all demands and no warmth. I'm one of only two bridesmaids, but the bride and the MOH picked a dress without asking me any questions about body type or budget (iI'm out of town, so no way I could go with, but it would have been nice to have been included and now I'll be wearing a dress that makes me pretty self-conscious). Total cost: $400. I first heard about the dress from my brother, with the request that I get measured and order within four days.

I drove eight hours each way to attend her shower. I offered to stay an additional night so I could take them out to dinner (and get to know her! I hardly do!), but, two weeks after I made that I offer I was told that they were "too busy." At the shower, I tried to make conversation, but she spent most of it talking to her cousins. Her parents and extended family were lovely, but I still barely know her.

I think immaturity is the culprit here, but it still sucks. I hate that I'm letting it get to me.  

So far I'm not aware of a bachelorette party that I wasn't invited to, but who knows???. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you OP!  I guess trying to take the high road is the best approach (and the one you've been taking!) but it can be hard when you feel so disregarded. And, I know each time one of these slights has come up, I've always felt that if I speak up, I'm the one who's acting inappropriately. Individually they seem like little things (with the exception of the party non-invitation, augh!), but when they're accompanied by zero positive interactions with the bride to be, it gets pretty hard to take. 

I agree in spirit with asking her why you weren't included. But I would wait until after the wedding. I know one dilemma I face is that I feel like if I make a fuss about anything, I might barely see my brother in the future. Very hard to  figure these things out when you're dealing with difficult people!

MegEn1

I'd ditch the dress and attend as a guest. If she wanted you as a bridesmaid, she could have had you. But I'm very spiteful, and very sensitive of being somewhere that I don't feel like I'm wanted. And with those thoughts in my head I don't know that I'd be able to keep a straight face full of smiles for the whole day.

Look at it this way: You don't want to be a false-smiling, red-eyed bridesmaid in all of her photos. I think it would just be best for everyone to step back. Give her a chance to explain, but step back if she blathers on like an idiot.