When am I allowed to start planning?

stacybean

This is a semi rant, sorry in advance.

We got engaged two weeks ago tomorrow. I've started putting together a guest list and browsing venues online. People have been asking me how wedding planning is going. 

When I bring it up to my FH, he gets stressed out and says "we only got engaged a week and a half ago" and that I'm "making him feel rushed". I ask, well when am I allowed to start planning then? To which he'll give me a roundabout response that I can start looking at magazines and online (and I say "that IS planning"). 

How am I supposed to respond?

lkristenj

People will be asking you that until the day of the wedding. And then they'll be asking you about how it went and how the honeymoon was.

My FI had a similar reaction. I was really into it at first, probably too much. He told me I needed to tone it down and I did. Now I have next to no motivation to plan anything. I'm sick of it. I wish I had gotten more done when I was super excited. I'm still excited to be marrying FI, but the newness and excitement of planning is definitely gone.

I also wish that I had followed everyone's advice to enjoy the newly-engaged "glow" before delving into planning. I think that FI just wanted that time for us to be happy and excited together, without the pressure of having to plan and worry and stress. By me planning so early, I kind of took that away from us.

There are ups and downs to planning soon after being engaged. I would say relax, enjoy being engaged for a bit (without planning), and when people ask you can just tell them how happy you are with your FI and that you're enjoying your time with him right now. They should be able to understand.

Also, I would suggest not talking too much "wedding" with people anyway.

stacybean

Thank you for the great advice. I always envisioned myself having a long engagement anyway, so there isn't really any hurry to start planning.

AddieCake

If you want a long engagement, then yeah. Just enjoy being engaged for awhile.

MollyandD

I started planning immediately. We got engaged, because we were ready to get serious about planning our wedding. We had talked about how we would "someday" get married before getting engaged. I did no planning until it was official, but once it was, we booked a venue and started planning within the week.

ShallowSeas

We started planning immediately, but we had also planned on getting married 8-9 months out, so we needed to start planning right away.  When you start planning depends on your wedding date. If you are planning on a long engagement, then I wouldn't rush it make him feel overwhelmed. Things can change in time, including your guest list.

Maggie0829

I don't really consider looking for ideas online and in magazines planning.  Planning is when you set a date and start booking vendors.  Before that you are just collecting ideas for future planning.

But yeah, if you two are planning on a long engagement I can see why he is feeling overwhelmed by you putting together a guest list and starting plan something that won't be happening for quite a while.

I think you and your FI should pick a year in which you want to get married (and maybe even a month(s) )and then put all wedding planning to the side (not saying you can't look at pictures or get ideas or what not) until about a year and a half from when you envision yourselves getting married.

manateehugger

Maggie0829 said:

I don't really consider looking for ideas online and in magazines planning.  Planning is when you set a date and start booking vendors.  Before that you are just collecting ideas for future planning.

But yeah, if you two are planning on a long engagement I can see why he is feeling overwhelmed by you putting together a guest list and starting plan something that won't be happening for quite a while.

I think you and your FI should pick a year in which you want to get married (and maybe even a month(s) )and then put all wedding planning to the side (not saying you can't look at pictures or get ideas or what not) until about a year and a half from when you envision yourselves getting married.

All of this. We had nearly a two year engagement. We booked venues about 3 months after being engaged I think, sat around for 6 months or so, booked vendors, sat around for 6 months, and then have been working on the details for the past couple months or so.

Just to warn you - with a long engagement, your decor ideas will change more than once. Hold off on buying lots of stuff until you're closer in and have a firmer idea of what you want. I spent a ton of money on crap we wont use. You'll have a great idea, and then realize it wont work with your budget or your venue.

Your guest list will also more than likely change. Just stay flexible. Set a rough date (even something like Summer 2016) and then go from there like Maggie said.

caitlinmca

My fiance and I got engaged in Sept of 2013, and we picked a date of April 2015. When we first got engaged I was all about planning, joined this site, started looking at the "venues" tab and looking at all of that stuff, and he was more like you said your fiance was, the settle down, take your time, but then again, my fiance was engaged once before. Needless to say, I did the things that didn't require his involvement like dress shopping, I went wedding dress shopping in Nov 2013 even though our date wasn't for quite some time. Additionally, I picked my MOH and bridesmaids. There are some things that technically don't require him to be there.

However, with a far off date, I did find it also very helpful. Our venue is quite expensive in itself we have to spend $10,000 just at the venue (includes food, alcohol, the fees that go along with having ceremony and reception there, they have their own photo booth, they have a pontoon boat, it just has to add up to $10,000) so with having a far off date it gives us time to save up for our dream venue.

MKM2014

I would respond by asking him how long he expects the engagement to be

Our engagement will be 15 months (we are getting married in 3 weeks). We booked the first venue we toured and ended up with our date in the first month of engagement. After that I really wanted to book a photographer & get engagement pictures done because I wanted to use them for save the dates (we got ours out early because we had invites all over the country and even out of the country) but honestly that was all we did in the whole first 6 months of engagement.

It's nice to set a date and know you have a venue and know when you'll be getting married. But if you have a long enough time you shouldn't have to worry much about other details right now. I would just explain that to him and let him know that lots of venues book up quick so even if the wedding is more than a year away it's normal to look now.

thisismynickname2

Everyone else has given great advice, so I'm posting to say you're not alone. Men can be funny like that....an engagement is to plan a wedding. If you didn't want to plan a wedding, don't propose. How hard is that?

FI did the same thing to me; it took him about a month to warm up to actual planning. In the meantime, I signed up for this site, started browsing venues, etc.  We're having a year and a half engagement so had plenty of time. (6 or 7 weeks left to go!)