The Cost of Being a Bridesmaid?

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

This article HERE talks about the average costs of being a bridesmaid.  ("Being a Bridesmaid is Driving Me to the Brink of Bankruptcy" - Jezebel.com)

I'm side-eyeing it mostly because all a BM is expected to do is show up in the right dress at the right time at the right place and preferably sober.

I'm not having showers, or a bachelorette, and the girls can wear any shoes they want.  We are doing each other's hair and I have a lovely makeup arsenal we can use.  Manicures aren't necessary either.  I was very aware of any costs the gals may incur along the way...

Is the number quoted sound right in the article?  Their numbers do come from TheKnot...

NYCMercedes

? Broken link?

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

NYCMercedes said:

? Broken link?

Maybe this one will work?  Sorry about that:

http://jezebel.com/being-a-bridesmaid-is-driving-me-to-the-brink-of-bankru-1594975578

NYCMercedes

emmyg65

I've seen it averaging around $1,000 all told. But what bothers me is there's no law that says you have to pay for everything if you don't want to. If a friend asks you to stand up in her wedding and you want to support her but you're concerned about the financial outlay, just be clear up front about your budget. Politely decline to contribute to the bachelorette weekend or get your hair done or whatever. The whole point of being friends is being able to take to each other, right?

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

I agree.  I feel like according to this article, people aren't speaking up to say they are struggling.  Cancelling plane tickets to see your family because you need to budget for a bachelorette is really heart breaking.  

I have a coworker who was just asked to be a bridesmaid at her cousin's wedding.  She doesn't want to be one AT ALL (it's not a financial woe) but accepted.  When I asked her why she said she felt like she HAD to.  This sense of obligation concerns me.  If you WANT to, that's awesome, but you never HAVE to.

There's a lot of pressure in this industry as a whole, I'm finding.

mellyD2014

I think it's slightly on the high end, but honestly if you factor in the areas of the US where things are outrageously expensive, even a really relaxed bride could end up with people paying close to that. I was very cost-conscious for my bridal party - the dresses were $175 (under their stated budgets) and I told them any metallic shoes and any jewelry they wanted. I told them that they are absolutely welcome to do their own hair and make up the day of, but they've all opted to make use of the people we hired - that's another $160 for both (which is half the cost of the area we're getting married in... insane!); hotel for the night of; they've very graciously thrown me a bridal shower and I know they're planning a b-party (though I think it's local so there won't be flights involved)... I wouldn't be surprised if they're having to budget over $500, and I feel like I've been really laid back about it. Most other people I know of have required certain shoes, certain hair styles, and weekend-long b-parties are pretty normal here, and they're often destination. 

TL;DR - that number doesn't surprise me for bridesmaids in the NY Metro area.

jenna8984

I'm a little torn actually. It's true that no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to be in the wedding or spend the money. But, my best friend/ MOH is from another country where they do weddings BIG. It's something that she has attended hundreds of (her community extends invites to 4th cousin and beyond) and it's something that she has dreamt of having for herself. She's already told me that she wants specific designer gowns, specific hair & makeup, shoes, showers, etc. It may sound like she's a bridezilla bitch but it really just is how they do it in her culture. I want to be there for her so badly because I love her but I'm terrified of what it's going to cost me. Luckily I have a few years before it happens but I'm still not sure what to do when the time comes, since I'll have kids by then equaling even less disposable income.

cupcait927

I spent close to $1,000 the one time I was a MOH. It was ridiculous and I felt like I couldn't say no. I had already said no to helping with invitations and some other little petty requests and it did not go over well. The WP was guilted into throwing a second shower, a OOT bachelorette party, getting our hair done all together the morning of, on top of the dress and mandatory shawls - all of these costs kept adding up and none of us wanted to say no because "yay, friend is getting married!" Had I tried to speak up and say no to the costs it would've lead to resentment from the bride and the other MOH (her and I were shouldering most of the costs). It was such a negative experience with little thankfulness from the bride that I decided to just forego the wedding party now that it's my turn to get married. I just want my friends there to celebrate with me and not feel any obligation to spend money on the unnecessary wedding trappings.

Also, this is my favorite comment from that article -

"You know why it's different? Because if I were asked to go to three different showers, buy a tux and go to a destination bachelor party I, and every single one of the groom's friends, would tell the groom to go fuck himself.

Grow some Lady-Balls and do the same if you do don't go in for all that shit."

djfivenine

I can attest to the costs in this article, for sure. I was in a wedding just last weekend - we live across the state from each other so I had to travel for every event.  I also felt that there was no way I could say "no" to anything, but that's on me.   Let's break down the expenses:

Bridesmaid Dress: $150 (my mom did my alterations for me, yay!)
Shoes: $75 (she said we could wear any nude pump but I didn't own any - luckily I love the ones I got so they will be re-worn many times)
Drive to and from shower/bachelorette weekend, 500 miles round trip: $100
Co-Hosting bridal shower: $300 (two other BMs also contributed this... ridiculous)
Shower gift: $50
Participation in bachelorette party (luckily, only a laid-back afternoon of wine tasting): $80
(It's worth noting, the MOH's mother very graciously paid for our hotel room for the weekend, that saved us about $200 each)
Mani/Pedi: $40
Flight for wedding: $150
Hotel for wedding: $300 ($150 per night, but since I was a BM I had to fly down a day early)
Wedding gift: $100

As part of our gift, the bride paid for our hair and makeup (I know, I know) but that was another $150 I had budgeted for but ended up "getting" to save.

TOTAL: $1,345
Price if I had just been a guest attending the wedding: $450 total for flight, hotel, wedding gift and shower gift (which I would have sent to the shower but probably wouldn't have attended)

So yeah... being a bridesmaid is expensive. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

cupcait927 said:

I spent close to $1,000 the one time I was a MOH. It was ridiculous and I felt like I couldn't say no. I had already said no to helping with invitations and some other little petty requests and it did not go over well. The WP was guilted into throwing a second shower, a OOT bachelorette party, getting our hair done all together the morning of, on top of the dress and mandatory shawls - all of these costs kept adding up and none of us wanted to say no because "yay, friend is getting married!" Had I tried to speak up and say no to the costs it would've lead to resentment from the bride and the other MOH (her and I were shouldering most of the costs). It was such a negative experience with little thankfulness from the bride that I decided to just forego the wedding party now that it's my turn to get married. I just want my friends there to celebrate with me and not feel any obligation to spend money on the unnecessary wedding trappings.

Also, this is my favorite comment from that article -

"You know why it's different? Because if I were asked to go to three different showers, buy a tux and go to a destination bachelor party I, and every single one of the groom's friends, would tell the groom to go fuck himself.

Grow some Lady-Balls and do the same if you do don't go in for all that shit."

I read this entire quote in Lana's voice.  LOL.  I read all your stuff in Lana's voice. 

MGP

I really liked the article.  True that the bridal party is obligated to do nothing but show up in the dress, however this really showed the reality of the cost.  Two comments I wanted to make:

1.  High costs are not always the fault of the bride.  In every wedding party there is one person that dreams big and likes to spend other people's money.  While it can be easy to say to the bride that it may be a financial burden it's harder to speak up to the MOH that you have never met that just invoices you for whatever she planned via email.  It's usually the "well it's JUST another $50 for the limo it's not that big of a deal" that ends up being the straw that broke the camel's back and causes conflict within the wedding party, sometimes without the bride even knowing.

I think the best thing to do in that situation is speak up, no matter how hard it is, because others probably feel the same way.  I tend to agree that for the most part men will call someone out on their BS much quicker than women.  Other than the dress and your own transportation costs, nothing else in mandatory.

2.  So then I started thinking about what $1700 (the cost stated in the article) means to different people.  In my personal situation, I could easily afford this and in fact was asked to be in a wedding with about this cost.  I declined for several reasons, but that's a story for another time.  Bottom line is I have the close to $2000 sitting in my checking account but I can also think of 2000 other things that take financial priority over this.  The brides that judge other's financial decisions because they don't align with her wedding vision - especially the smart decisions like choosing to pay rent over a week's worth of bottle service in Vegas - piss me off like no other.

Here's what hit me though - let's talk in VERY general averages.  The median household income is $51,000.  The average cost of being in a wedding is $1700.  That's over 3% of someone's entire income for the year, probably closer to 6% after taxes and insurance.  I know many make more, but many make less.  I wasn't making that the first time I was asked to be in a wedding, and was actually in 2 that same year.  Fortunately both brides were not demanding and awesome, kept costs reasonable, had beautiful and properly hosted weddings, and we are still friends.  Go figure.  

I just wish more brides could understand this perspective - 6% of MY hard earned money spent on YOU for ONE day?  12% if two friends decide to get married in the same year?  And then people get guilted into participating when they don't want to and have nothing to show for it but an embroidered robe, cheap jewelry, and a dress they will never wear again?  It's shameful, and I bet they would bitch if the shoe was on the other foot.

fungrl97

Unfortunately I think these costs aren't far off.  I was recently in a wedding where I felt that the bride was not too crazy in.  I still made 3 trips of 250-300 a piece for the bridal shower, bachelorette, and wedding.  I spent $300 on the shower and another $200 on the bachelorette party.  I spent $50 on a bridal shower gift, $200 on lingerie that was supposed to be a "joint" gift that I never really got money back for, and $175 on a wedding gift (I had thought about not giving a wedding gift, but the bride actually called me out on this and asked where her gift was - so I did it a bit out of guilt).  I spent $50 on a dress, $25 on shoes, $50 on hair and $30 on coffee and breakfast for the girls at the hair salon.

All in all I spent $1,880 (over the average and I thought throughout the planning process that I was "cheaping out" a few times.

For my wedding - even though I am trying to keep costs down they still add up quick.  While it isn't a requirement my girls are throwing a shower and a bachelorette - I'm thankful they care so much.  We aren't going anywhere fancy, just hanging out in my apartment and going out one night for a nice dinner and maybe some drinking.  We are paying for their hotel rooms for the wedding, their accessories, their hair, as well as manis and pedis the day before.  Still, people have to travel and with some making cross-country flights to be there it really does add up.

tammym1001

I paid for my BM's hair and nails and for their rooms the night of the wedding. Their dresses were $150 and I told them to pick whatever shoes they wanted to wear. I bought their jewelry (I know, I know, but I also got them other stuff and it was at least real jewelry and not costume). With all of that, my MOH still spent well over $1,000 and my bridal shower and bach parties were both local. The wedding was local also so no flights or anything. I can't imagine what it would have cost if we had to travel for stuff. All of the money she spent over the amount of the dress was her choice though. It can get expensive when you want to do all the parties and fun stuff to celebrate a friend's wedding.