Wedding Invitations & Paper

When to not invite significant others

I understand all of the wedding etiquette and even agree with inviting SO of long term relationships, but when is it ok to NOT invite an SO of a family member? Here's the situation (in short). My aunt's boyfriend lives with her and he and I don't get a long at all. The reason being: He  has a problem with alcoholism. He is mean and gets out of control. Some family members don't even want him at their house for casual social gatherings, hell some were pissed that she brought him to my grandmother's funeral. I don't believe I should invite him. My FI and I want our friends and family to have a nice time and to not feel uncomfortable at our wedding reception (which has an open bar). What does etiquette say about this?

Re: When to not invite significant others

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
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  • I understand all of the wedding etiquette and even agree with inviting SO of long term relationships, but when is it ok to NOT invite an SO of a family member? Here's the situation (in short). My aunt's boyfriend lives with her and he and I don't get a long at all. The reason being: He  has a problem with alcoholism. He is mean and gets out of control. Some family members don't even want him at their house for casual social gatherings, hell some were pissed that she brought him to my grandmother's funeral. I don't believe I should invite him. My FI and I want our friends and family to have a nice time and to not feel uncomfortable at our wedding reception (which has an open bar). What does etiquette say about this?
    ^^^ Ditto what cmgragain said
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    Yep, unless he has physically done something to you or your family or stolen from you, he needs to be invited. Just being a dick when drunk doesn't mean he shouldn't be invited.

    ETA: If he gets nasty, you can always have him escorted out.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ditto PPs.  You can hire security, if you feel the need to.  Or just ask your venue coordinator or someone to escort him out if he gets too much.
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  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    Unfortunately, I think you need to invite him. It sounds like you're pretty well covered on the security front. You may also want to talk to your caterer/bartender and ask them to closely monitor him and to be in touch with security.
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  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    Does he still try to come to other family gatherings, or have his actions made him so uncomfortable around your family that he doesn't show up? Maybe he just won't come. 

    I ditto the suggestion to have the bartender monitor him closely so as not to over-serve, and give your security a warning that he may cause trouble.

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  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    So he got into a physical fight with your uncle? That would be enough for me to not invite him.

    Being that he has caused your family physical harm before, I think you'd be in the clear to not invite him. Best of luck though, in whatever you decide to do! 
  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    So he got into a physical fight with your uncle? That would be enough for me to not invite him.

    Being that he has caused your family physical harm before, I think you'd be in the clear to not invite him. Best of luck though, in whatever you decide to do! 
     Exactly.That's why I've been wondering if it would be wise to invite him. I don't want my aunt and uncle to not come because they find out he's going to be there. And I get it ladies, it's about being polite and being a good host and that's why I'm considering my other guest over him - he's not even related and can't go to my aunt and uncles house for anything because of that fight. 

    Someone asked if he still tries to come to family gatherings or does he not come because her feels uncomfortable enough not to come...it depends. He won't dare come to my parent's (plus my parents have a dry house. no alcohol allowed)  but I had a cousins who's home he was at at least once and he got drunk and started picking at people so I left before he got to me. So would he come to my wedding? I can't say for sure because there's alcohol.
  • You have every right not to invite him.   You, however, lose the right to be upset if the aunt choose not to come because her BF was snubbed.


    All choices come with consequences.   It's just life.   You have to figure out what is the lesser of 2 evils.  Once you do, own your choice and let the cards fall where they will.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    So he got into a physical fight with your uncle? That would be enough for me to not invite him.

    Being that he has caused your family physical harm before, I think you'd be in the clear to not invite him. Best of luck though, in whatever you decide to do! 
     Exactly.That's why I've been wondering if it would be wise to invite him. I don't want my aunt and uncle to not come because they find out he's going to be there. And I get it ladies, it's about being polite and being a good host and that's why I'm considering my other guest over him - he's not even related and can't go to my aunt and uncles house for anything because of that fight. 

    Someone asked if he still tries to come to family gatherings or does he not come because her feels uncomfortable enough not to come...it depends. He won't dare come to my parent's (plus my parents have a dry house. no alcohol allowed)  but I had a cousins who's home he was at at least once and he got drunk and started picking at people so I left before he got to me. So would he come to my wedding? I can't say for sure because there's alcohol.
    Ah if this was a physical altercation, then yeah I wouldn't invite him. 

    I would probably head off the issue though and call your aunt, say "wanted to let you know that I sent invitations out today, and you'll notice when you receive yours that BF was not included. Because of xyz physical altercation at Person's house, we have decided not to invite him. I hope that you understand and can still come celebrate with us." I don't think this is the kind of thing to just hit her with once she gets the invitation, or leave it open to her assuming he must be invited anyway. And then yeah, be prepared for her to be pissed.

    Or you could just spread the (untrue) word that it's a dry wedding. ;)

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  • CMGragain said:
    Haven't you posted this before?  It sounds very familiar.
    You must invite your aunt's boyfriend.  He is responsible for his own behavior.  You cannot control it.  Acceptable reasons for not inviting him would be if he has physically attacked you or your FI, or if he has molested you, or members of your immediate family.
    Nope, never posted this before. Clearly someone else has had the same concern about a similar issue. He has never physically attacked me, but has gotten into a fight with my other aunt's husband and that's why he's not allowed EVER at their house. He is a violent drunk. And yes he is responsible for his behavior, but in my mind I feel like why take the chance of something happening (when he's drunk something is bound to happen). But we will have security and our DJ is a police officer so I guess we should be very well covered. I still struggle with this though because we don't want a scene.
    So he got into a physical fight with your uncle? That would be enough for me to not invite him.

    Being that he has caused your family physical harm before, I think you'd be in the clear to not invite him. Best of luck though, in whatever you decide to do! 
     Exactly.That's why I've been wondering if it would be wise to invite him. I don't want my aunt and uncle to not come because they find out he's going to be there. And I get it ladies, it's about being polite and being a good host and that's why I'm considering my other guest over him - he's not even related and can't go to my aunt and uncles house for anything because of that fight. 

    Someone asked if he still tries to come to family gatherings or does he not come because her feels uncomfortable enough not to come...it depends. He won't dare come to my parent's (plus my parents have a dry house. no alcohol allowed)  but I had a cousins who's home he was at at least once and he got drunk and started picking at people so I left before he got to me. So would he come to my wedding? I can't say for sure because there's alcohol.
    Ah if this was a physical altercation, then yeah I wouldn't invite him. 

    I would probably head off the issue though and call your aunt, say "wanted to let you know that I sent invitations out today, and you'll notice when you receive yours that BF was not included. Because of xyz physical altercation at Person's house, we have decided not to invite him. I hope that you understand and can still come celebrate with us." I don't think this is the kind of thing to just hit her with once she gets the invitation, or leave it open to her assuming he must be invited anyway. And then yeah, be prepared for her to be pissed.

    Or you could just spread the (untrue) word that it's a dry wedding. ;)
    Thanks Lolo. Those are good ideas. I didn't think of doing that, I was just going to send out the invitation and then just deal with the fall out, but your way will probably lead to less drama. I still have a couple of weeks to think about it because my invites don't go out until the 2nd week of July. But right now I'm leaning more towards not inviting him. I think about the relationships and what's more significant and while I love both of my aunt's equally my aunt who is married also has a year old grand baby that she may want to bring and I have to think about how inviting him might impact that.  So difficult.

    I think the dry wedding idea might work. I'm just trying to remember if I told anyone that it's an open bar lol
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