Wedding Invitations & Paper

guest lists and future in-laws

My son is marrying a wonderful girl. I am divorced, am on a very limited budget, and cannot afford to contribute much to the wedding.  I already gave my son my engagement diamond, which he re-set for his fiance's engagement ring. His future in-laws are aware of my financial situation, yet even after I explained my situation, I was informed that I am expected to make a rehearsal dinner, a bridal shower and a brunch the day after the wedding.  I was then told that, given my lack of financial participation, I am only allowed to invite 20-30 guests, to a wedding with 250 people invited in total.  Basically, I was told that their guest list was based on the percentage of contribution to the wedding costs.  My ex can afford to contribute much more and thus, he is inviting about 50-60  people.  I had already offered to pay for the officiant and hair/make-up for the bridal party. I can't afford to go into debt over this wedding.  I know my son understands and is trying to support me, but feels a great deal of stress surrounding this situation, does not want to be in conflict with his new in-laws.  There will also be another reception in the in-laws' country of origin.  I was told that, if I come, I "would basically be on my own" for much of the time.  I do not wish to cause any drama, but also feel a lack of understanding, empathy about my situation.  Any ideas on how to best handle this in a different manner than I have being doing?

Re: guest lists and future in-laws

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    robin0508 said:
    My son is marrying a wonderful girl. I am divorced, am on a very limited budget, and cannot afford to contribute much to the wedding.  I already gave my son my engagement diamond, which he re-set for his fiance's engagement ring. His future in-laws are aware of my financial situation, yet even after I explained my situation, I was informed that I am expected to make a rehearsal dinner, a bridal shower and a brunch the day after the wedding.  I was then told that, given my lack of financial participation, I am only allowed to invite 20-30 guests, to a wedding with 250 people invited in total.  Basically, I was told that their guest list was based on the percentage of contribution to the wedding costs.  My ex can afford to contribute much more and thus, he is inviting about 50-60  people.  I had already offered to pay for the officiant and hair/make-up for the bridal party. I can't afford to go into debt over this wedding.  I know my son understands and is trying to support me, but feels a great deal of stress surrounding this situation, does not want to be in conflict with his new in-laws.  There will also be another reception in the in-laws' country of origin.  I was told that, if I come, I "would basically be on my own" for much of the time.  I do not wish to cause any drama, but also feel a lack of understanding, empathy about my situation.  Any ideas on how to best handle this in a different manner than I have being doing?

    What a shame that your son is marrying a girl who comes from such rude people.  I am sure that she doesn't share her families' crassness.

    An invitation is not a court summons.  You are free to decline to attend as much of the festivities are you please.  This includes the shower,  No need to make excuses.  You are busy that particular day.
    I would give your son the guest list to give to his fiancee.  Don't try to insist on more people.  Just know that they are being stingy with you.  Your daughter-in-law-to-be will coordinate the list to make sure that there are no duplications between your list and your ex's list.

    There is absolutely no reason to attend the celebration that is out of the country!  They should invite you.  After all, you are the MOG!  You can politly send regrets when that invitation arrives.

    Keep smiling, and don't criticize your son's future in-laws.  I have a feeling that he will need your sympathy when he has to deal with them in the future.  Some of this may be cultural, but I don't know where the family is from.

    If it makes you feel any better, DH and I paid for daughter's wedding a couple of years ago.  Out of 135 guests, I invited six family members, and six friends.  It was worth it!  We have a beautiful grandson.

    PS.  I hope you get a gorgeous dress in a color that you love.  Remind your ex what he is missing!
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  • I'm really sorry you're going through this. This girl's family sounds like a bunch of etiquette clueless folks. 

    1) No one is expected to pay for anything except the bride and groom. They (by themselves) host their own wedding unless someone OFFERS. "Offer" being the key word - not "swindle". They are being extremely rude by asking you and anyone else pay for things.
    2) You are not "responsible" for hosting anything. If you decide to host anything, you host it of your own free will and financial ability. (Refer to #1)
    3) If they are hosting, they decide who is invited. So actually, their approach here isn't too far off although it sounds like they're being a little harsh about it. I wouldn't fight this one.
    4) Honestly, I probably wouldn't attend the event in her home country. If you can't afford it and you're going to be "on your own" (unless you like that kind of thing), I would politely decline. 

    Of course you love your son and support him. Support doesn't mean you become a credit union. It means you love him and you are happy for this marriage. If he and his future wife are adult enough to get married, they will understand this. If they don't, they are too immature to get married and, hopefully, one day they will realize how they treated you and apologize.
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  • Wow. They sound awful! Just out of interest, how does the daughter feel about what her parents are doing? Does she even know? If she knows and can't stand up to them, I'd be quite concerned about how holidays etc are going to work in the future. I'm sorry - I don't mean to seem like I'm piling on problems but I would be very concerned about that.
  • ::hugs:: Things I would fight/put my foot down: hosting the RD, bridal shower and day after bunch and traveling to the in-laws for the other celebration. Things I would not is the guest list.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • These people are jerks. I'd invite the guests you want and decline the out of country reception and the other things they "expect" from you and tell them "Sorry, no can do."
  • OP, you have a PM.
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