Not Engaged Yet

Best bets on when?

2»

Re: Best bets on when?

  • OP, What you wrote had to be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.she doesn't even go here mean girls gif

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
    SwazzleOllie08
  • First off, the fact that you said "so much for a community" pisses me off. Clearly you have not lurked on our boards long enough to see what goes on here. These women have supported each other countless times. I went through a really rough time last year, and this board was a wonderful support system. That being said, they don't blow smoke up people's asses when giving advice, and they don't always give you an answer you'd like to hear. 

    Proposals happen randomly, some people are given hints (ie their SO tells them that they're going ring shopping etc.),some poster's SOs have the ring but haven't proposed yet, and some poster's have established timelines with their SOs as to when they are going to get engaged. A lot of times, I've seen posters ask for advice similarly to yours (in a nutshell: "I want to get married, and engaged, but I don't know if he's ready/when is he going to propose already"). They are often encouraged to initiate a conversation about timelines i.e. when would you like to get engaged? Its a discussion, not an ultimatum, and there are no guarantees that the timeframe will be adhered to. 

    I am in 100% agreement with @shops4shoes. At this point, I wouldn't even bring up a timeframe/timeline for an engagement conversation. He doesn't sound ready, and tries to brush off the topic when you bring it up. If you continue to talk to him about getting engaged, when he clearly isn't ready, its not going to get anywhere and he will most likely view it as nagging. I also think you are being 100% logical about the house situation. I wouldn't feel comfortable making that kind of purchase if there wasn't some agreement to be married.

    . Also, why do you want to marry him? What qualities does he have that make you want to spend the rest of your lives together? You've only been together 19 months, just enjoy the relationship as is and you have plenty of time ahead of you to figure all these things out.  
    [Deleted User]
  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
  • If you guys want to buy a house, you should go out looking for a house - once you are engaged or married, whichever you are more comfortable with.  This is just one of many to be sold in the next few years.

    I would NOT pressure him to get married before buying this particular house, just because it's there and he wants to get the title.  There are houses for sale on every street, would you definitely buy this one if you weren't already living in it?? 

    I also personally wouldn't buy a house with someone before I was married to them.  The last house "we" (ex and I) bought, was only with his money and in his name, so I put a lot of work into it and lived there - and was trapped there after we broke up until I closed on my own house. 

    I would be reluctant to have him buy it in his own name as well, because then you end up with my problem of it being difficult to get future spouse on the title/mortgage.

    As far as when he will be ready, I don't have enough info to tell, sorry!  My SO was very upfront with when he was ready, and actually had apparently been telling me long before, which I took as a joke!

    image

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    So since we're talking about the house:

    Is BF planning on buying the house by himself or with the OP?
    • If BF is planning on buying the house himself - it's really his money, his credit, his decision.  This should then be looked at separately than getting engaged/married before buying a house together because OP and BF would NOT be buying a house together.
    • If BF is planning on buying the house with OP and using OP's money and credit - then it is a joint decision.

    I think it's unfair to tell OP's BF "sorry, dude, you cannot buy a house all by yourself with your money and your credit because you have a GF that wants to be a homeowner with you but doesn't want to do this until your engaged/married even though you're not ready for that step".  I personally feel that in most cases renting is like flushing money down the toilet.  I say most because I get that in some areas houses are really expensive and renting is a much more affordable option.



    image
    Anniversary
  •  
    Kelani23 said:

    If you guys want to buy a house, you should go out looking for a house - once you are engaged or married, whichever you are more comfortable with.  This is just one of many to be sold in the next few years.

    I would NOT pressure him to get married before buying this particular house, just because it's there and he wants to get the title.  There are houses for sale on every street, would you definitely buy this one if you weren't already living in it?? 

    I also personally wouldn't buy a house with someone before I was married to them.  The last house "we" (ex and I) bought, was only with his money and in his name, so I put a lot of work into it and lived there - and was trapped there after we broke up until I closed on my own house. 

    I would be reluctant to have him buy it in his own name as well, because then you end up with my problem of it being difficult to get future spouse on the title/mortgage.

    As far as when he will be ready, I don't have enough info to tell, sorry!  My SO was very upfront with when he was ready, and actually had apparently been telling me long before, which I took as a joke!


    His dad bought the house foreclosed, and fixed it up so SO could live there while he was in college. We want to buy it because his dad will still sell it to us at close to the foreclosed price! Plus the yard is ENORMOUS in an in-city neighborhood where that is quite rare.

    I apologize everyone for making this big leap asking you to make assumption when you know basically nothing about him. I'm appreciating the feedback though. I think between him being unsure of his job situation, and not being ready, maybe he is changing his mind and will pursue buying the house himself. I wouldn't have even minded if he hadn't said that if it was important to me he would marry me so we could buy the house together. He didn't want to buy it on his own, but I'm not going to buy a house with someone before we're married. I have my personal reasons.

    Thanks Dignity, that really does make a lot of sense. I really need to have another conversation with him, I think, and see if he changed his mind. I won't bring up marriage unless he does, but I think I feel strongly enough about the house buying thing that I need to know what's going on. It's his decision, and I won't stop him. Getting married just to get a house is not the way to go about it. I know this. I just got overexcited, I guess.

  •  
    Kelani23 said:

    If you guys want to buy a house, you should go out looking for a house - once you are engaged or married, whichever you are more comfortable with.  This is just one of many to be sold in the next few years.

    I would NOT pressure him to get married before buying this particular house, just because it's there and he wants to get the title.  There are houses for sale on every street, would you definitely buy this one if you weren't already living in it?? 

    I also personally wouldn't buy a house with someone before I was married to them.  The last house "we" (ex and I) bought, was only with his money and in his name, so I put a lot of work into it and lived there - and was trapped there after we broke up until I closed on my own house. 

    I would be reluctant to have him buy it in his own name as well, because then you end up with my problem of it being difficult to get future spouse on the title/mortgage.

    As far as when he will be ready, I don't have enough info to tell, sorry!  My SO was very upfront with when he was ready, and actually had apparently been telling me long before, which I took as a joke!


    His dad bought the house foreclosed, and fixed it up so SO could live there while he was in college. We want to buy it because his dad will still sell it to us at close to the foreclosed price! Plus the yard is ENORMOUS in an in-city neighborhood where that is quite rare.

    I apologize everyone for making this big leap asking you to make assumption when you know basically nothing about him. I'm appreciating the feedback though. I think between him being unsure of his job situation, and not being ready, maybe he is changing his mind and will pursue buying the house himself. I wouldn't have even minded if he hadn't said that if it was important to me he would marry me so we could buy the house together. He didn't want to buy it on his own, but I'm not going to buy a house with someone before we're married. I have my personal reasons.

    Thanks Dignity, that really does make a lot of sense. I really need to have another conversation with him, I think, and see if he changed his mind. I won't bring up marriage unless he does, but I think I feel strongly enough about the house buying thing that I need to know what's going on. It's his decision, and I won't stop him. Getting married just to get a house is not the way to go about it. I know this. I just got overexcited, I guess.

    Yes to both of these things!  I personally wouldn't have purchased a home with DH prior to us being married but a lot of people do it all the time so to each their own.  I think that rather than focusing on the fact that he wants to buy the house and in order for you both to do that you require marriage therefore house=marriage, try talking to him about his ideas for purchasing, how is he going to make that happen, why right now?  Like you said he may start to realize that with job instability, it's not a great idea right now.  He might have gotten all worked up in a tizzy about buying the house just like you did about getting engaged.  Just talk to him.

    In the spirit of playing nice, please create a new post with pictures of your furbaby and include your favorite adult beverage and plans for next vacation!



    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    member
    @EisleyJoGo - After reading you last post, there are several things your BF might be doing.  He might want to inquire with his father about selling the house to see if it is even an option.  Another thing he could try to do is do more of a rent-to-buy type of program (if you're on board) so that you are paying for it now, but you're not 100% locked in to buying it if you decide not to.  A third possible option he might be doing is just seeing what his dad would want for the house so he can start saving for a down payment in the future.

    My FI and my current plans are to get married and live in my house temporary.  His brother lives with him, so he will allow his brother to continue living in his house.  We probably will not look to buy/build for about a year after our wedding so we can save up.  After our wedding though, I think we probably will make an appointment with a local builder and start talking about the process of building a home and the costs associated with it to see if it is a viable option for us.  I might even talk to our bank about loans and just see how much of a house we can afford.  It doesn't mean we're ready to build/buy right there and then, just doing our homework so we can get our finances in order and know how much of a down payment we will need.

    Talk to your BF.  He might have a plan in his mind, and it might be more of 'well, I was looking to buy a house in the next 3-5 years, so yes we probably will get engaged/married within that time frame'.  Be prepared for something like that.  I'm not sure how your BF is, I know I like to do my research and know everything I can when entering a situation.


    image
    Anniversary
    [Deleted User]
  • justbeingme93justbeingme93
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited July 2014
    I don't mean to disrespect any of the ladies who commented before, but give this poor girl a break. 


    From the info. you gave me, i have two guesses:

    1. He isn't ready and you two need to have a serious talk. 
    2. He is in the midst of planning an engagement as we speak. 

    I know that sounds like a big contrast, but he is being quite vague. That means he is either nervous about your relationship/future or nervous about a the ring he is hiding!

    I would like to echo what loves2shop4shoes said. I would have a serious talk with him about the house. if you see no engagement/marriage in the near future. 







    [Deleted User]
2»
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards