Appropriate age for a ring bearer?

brideofginger

We are using a friend as officiant - she also has a young son that my FI and I very much adore. My FI is the oldest child/first to get married, I'm also the first to get married of my brother and I, so we don't have any little nieces or nephews. How young is too young to use my friend's son as a ring bearer? We will be getting married a few weeks before his second birthday (wedding October 4, birthday October 31) - he's walking great and talking a little, but I'm worried that's still too young to take direction very well. (I am, quite frankly, anticipating that he's going to start asking for one of the three of us mid-ceremony, but we'll jump that hoop if/when we come to it... even if he does decide he wants to climb off of whoever's lap and come see us, I don't think it'll be a big deal.)

Jen4948

I agree with you that that's too young.

Any kid in a wedding party should be old enough and big enough to go up and down the aisle on their own without holding hands or being pushed in some kind of vehicle, they should be able to take direction and have some idea of what they're being asked to do, and they also need to be able to be around large numbers of strangers and handle breaks in routine like changed or eliminated nap times well.  A child who can't handle those things is more likely to have a meltdown or otherwise behave undesirably if they find themselves in a wedding party.

chibiyui

Usually three is the youngest recommended, and even that has some caveats. 

southernbelle0915

I think it's too young.

brideofginger

Great feedback, thank you!

AddieCake

I'm firmly in the nobody under 3 camp. And by 3 I mean pushing 4. 

kaos16

The last wedding I attended had small people as flower girls. . . I think the youngest was like 3.  As each of them (and the slightly older ring bearer) got to the end of the aisle the officiant basically lured them the last few steps with a lollipop.  Now I personally am in the no kids at wedding camps, but it seemed like an interesting idea to keep them moving.

Jen4948

kaos16 said:

The last wedding I attended had small people as flower girls. . . I think the youngest was like 3.  As each of them (and the slightly older ring bearer) got to the end of the aisle the officiant basically lured them the last few steps with a lollipop.  Now I personally am in the no kids at wedding camps, but it seemed like an interesting idea to keep them moving.

I don't think it's a good idea to bribe small kids with candy to get them to move down the aisle...especially without their parents' sanction. And if that candy is particularly messy and/or sticky, I especially wouldn't do it.

April192002

You didn't mention having a flower girl. If there's a younger cousin (maybe around 10) who you could enlist for that role, she could help him down the aisle, possibly having to carry him, or even pull him in a wagon if that would work in your venue. If he weren't the ring bearer would the boy be staying at home or would friend/officant's SO or parent(s) be attending who would be watching him during the ceremony? If you think there's still a chance he might be running up to the front, you could always have a podium for officant to place their things on, pick him up, and seamlessly keep moving on with the ceremony...if that option doesn't bother the 3 of you.

Edit: A lot of younger kids will kind of migrate to the parent if there's someone who says "Go to mommy or Groom". He may end up running but he's likely to get there on his own, and guests usually tend to help direct little kids if they start to get off course. If he's just running around all over the place, your FI or his momma could go get him.

holyguacamole79

I had a friend get married a few years ago, and her nephew was the ring bearer at 18 months. The boy SCREAMED down the aisle (his mom insisted that he could do it). It was incredibly awkward and distracting. I agree that 3 is the absolute youngest.

Jen4948

April192002 said:

You didn't mention having a flower girl. If there's a younger cousin (maybe around 10) who you could enlist for that role, she could help him down the aisle, possibly having to carry him, or even pull him in a wagon if that would work in your venue. If he weren't the ring bearer would the boy be staying at home or would friend/officant's SO or parent(s) be attending who would be watching him during the ceremony? If you think there's still a chance he might be running up to the front, you could always have a podium for officant to place their things on, pick him up, and seamlessly keep moving on with the ceremony...if that option doesn't bother the 3 of you.

Edit: A lot of younger kids will kind of migrate to the parent if there's someone who says "Go to mommy or Groom". He may end up running but he's likely to get there on his own, and guests usually tend to help direct little kids if they start to get off course. If he's just running around all over the place, your FI or his momma could go get him.

If a kid is too small to get up and down the aisle on their own then they should not be pulled in a wagon at all or carried by another kid of any age-and they're probably too young to participate at all except by being in photos. And it's not the guests' job to direct small kids. They're not babysitters.

theartistformerlyknownas

My sister has permanent scars down her back from being pulled by a 10 year old in a wagon when she was little, and the 10 year old dumping her out backwards on accident. She's lucky she didn't crack her head open. Wagons should only be pulled by adults, and have no place in a wedding processional.

I'm also in the "over 3" camp, and even then you have to use your own discretion in judging the child's maturity level.

brideofginger

April192002 said:

You didn't mention having a flower girl. If there's a younger cousin (maybe around 10) who you could enlist for that role, she could help him down the aisle, possibly having to carry him, or even pull him in a wagon if that would work in your venue. If he weren't the ring bearer would the boy be staying at home or would friend/officant's SO or parent(s) be attending who would be watching him during the ceremony? If you think there's still a chance he might be running up to the front, you could always have a podium for officant to place their things on, pick him up, and seamlessly keep moving on with the ceremony...if that option doesn't bother the 3 of you.

Edit: A lot of younger kids will kind of migrate to the parent if there's someone who says "Go to mommy or Groom". He may end up running but he's likely to get there on his own, and guests usually tend to help direct little kids if they start to get off course. If he's just running around all over the place, your FI or his momma could go get him.

I think what I bolded is the likely scenario, and honestly, I'm not worried about it if it does happen. My FI and I don't have any younger female cousins and we don't really have anyone we're close to with a young daughter.

I'm fairly certain my friend has someone that could probably babysit him in another location entirely for the afternoon of the wedding. I don't have any intention of asking her to do that, though - I think she needs to make that decision on her own. I'm sure someone could distract him during the ceremony, and if he wants to come say hi, we'll just have to live with that.

Marzipan13

3 is too young, imo.  Another thing to take into consideration is how well they behave - a 10 year old hellion is nearly the same (result-wise) as a confused or cranky 3 year old.