Last year, a couple my husband and I were close with cancelled on attending our wedding 3 months before our wedding. Our wedding was in my hometown, a $300 flight away form where they live. Both were in the bridal party, and said they just couldn't afford it all of a sudden. They said they were going to throw us celebrations in the town we were living, and said they were buying us a nice gift, and my friend said she wanted to help me with some DIY projects I was working on. We weren't expecting anything of these things, but were a little put off when none of it happened. When I invited her to help with craft nights she declined. No celebrations occurred. After the wedding, we never received so much as a card from them. They then, 1 month after our wedding, went on an extravagant trip for one-week to NYC, which they had never mentioned going on. We assumed they prioritized their trip over our wedding, which is their choice, but hurtful. We lost contact for several months. They got engaged, and we found out from Facebook rather than from them.
That's all to give you the background to the present. Flash forward, and we get together with them for the first time in around 6 months. They give us cards and gifts and we think it's just them being nice because it's the holidays. It turns out it's a big show of asking us to be in the bridal party. My husband immediately says yes, and I just awkwardly sat their. She sensed my hesitation, and assumed it was due to cost, knowing I'm a grad student. She said they'd keep things as budget-friendly as possible. I eventually said yes. I decided to just grin and bear it, as my husband was closer with the groom for a long time, and he seemed to want to do it.
Now, it's 6 months before their wedding. My husband is the primary bread winner as I'm in school. He was laid off, and had to get a new job and we now have a significant amount of money less than we had. The bride and groom had told us they were going to keep things very budget-friendly, and we reminded them I'm in grad school and need to keep costs as low as we can. The bride said she was looking at $100 dresses, and wouldn't require us to pay for hair/makeup, and was looking at the cheapest suits at Men's Warehouse.
The dress ended up being $160. The suit is $250. Shoes are $30. Today she told me she wants us to pay for hair and makeup, which is $130. The MOH wants to throw an expensive bachelorette party- hotel, limo, very expensive club VIP. I've been trying to set limits, and they've been disregarded. I told her I couldn't afford the hair/makeup and asked her if there are particular colors/things she wanted me to purchase to do my own. She never responded and just booked all of the bridesmaids with the makeup/hair artists.
At this point, I'm thinking of giving a set amount of money we can spend, and telling her we cannot spend more than that, and leaving it up to her where she wants to give (i.e.: not require hair/makeup, or a cheaper suit, or whatever she chooses). We literally cannot afford the costs they're proposing, and I'm unwilling to take on credit card debt or something to pay for these expenses, for a couple that didn't even send us a card. I'm not trying to be petty about the past- I don't want to do things out of bitterness, but it does effect my willingness to go above and beyond for them. I was going to separately address the bachelorette party with the MOH, but she's also proving to be difficult. I was going to go the same approach of giving a set amount I can afford.
Does that seem like the best approach? Do people have other suggestions?