Hardly Any Gifts?!

bananasplit472001

lolo883 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Most people give cash when they are invited to wedding. Did you receive any cash? If you did then that is your gift an no other gift will be coming. If you did not receive a gift, gift-card or cash from guests then either it hasn't arrived yet or your guests are rude. I would keep that in mind any time you are invited to anything of theirs.

Uh no, you are the rude one. This is terrible advice and an awful way of thinking. Gifts are never required and should never be judged.

Where I live gifts are absolutely the proper etiquette for attending a wedding.  Even if it is just a card that is considered a gift in my area and is absolutely appropriate.  Those who show up with not even a card (with nothing in it) are considered rude.  It is a way to congratulate the bride and groom.

banana468

I think we forget that guest etiquette DOES call for sending a gift that is a reflection of your love for the couple. There isn't a dollar value that it needs to meet but it IS improper etiquette to give nothing at all.

However, a guest has time to send a gift and it doesn't necessarily need to be right at the wedding. Since it's rude to bring gifts to the wedding, a guest may decide to give a gift before the wedding or after the wedding when the couple has returned from their honeymoon.

theartistformerlyknownas

bananasplit472001 said:

lolo883 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Most people give cash when they are invited to wedding. Did you receive any cash? If you did then that is your gift an no other gift will be coming. If you did not receive a gift, gift-card or cash from guests then either it hasn't arrived yet or your guests are rude. I would keep that in mind any time you are invited to anything of theirs.

Uh no, you are the rude one. This is terrible advice and an awful way of thinking. Gifts are never required and should never be judged.

Where I live gifts are absolutely the proper etiquette for attending a wedding.  Even if it is just a card that is considered a gift in my area and is absolutely appropriate.  Those who show up with not even a card (with nothing in it) are considered rude.  It is a way to congratulate the bride and groom.

But you're going to judge the level of the gift and apply reciprocity to future gifts? If someone can only afford to give you a card at that moment, that should have no bearing on what you give in the future. Everyone's circumstances are different and it's horribly rude to judge what's given to you.

bananasplit472001

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.  

MNVegas

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

bananasplit472001

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

MNVegas

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy.

bananasplit472001

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

MNVegas

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

So in your area shaming people is etiquette? Wow!

JMalettas

 WOW. That is all..

 *J

bananasplit472001

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

So in your area shaming people is etiquette? Wow!

  I personally do not care if anyone gives us gifts for our wedding it's not important to me.  This is not a personal feeling of mine it is just giving another perspective of how etiquette is done in my area.  It has happened with any wedding I have ever been to whether it was family or friends.  That is just how it is done.

southernbelle0915

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either.

bananasplit472001

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

beethery

How to tell if people brought gifts, foolproof:

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SHITDICKS DIDNT BRING A GIFT? SHOW OF HANDS!"

Then count the hands. Coerce all gift-giving guests into pointing and publicly shaming the non-gifting guests until they leave. You will probably never have to worry about hearing from them again. You've obviously won.

lyndausvi

80-90% of our gifts were checks and cash. So yeah I think you are being ridiculous.

southernbelle0915

bananasplit472001 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

************SITB**************

Just because this attitude is typical with your family and all the weddings you've been to, it doesn't mean that the rules of etiquette change for your social circle. It just means that something very rude and materialistic is common in your circle. No one is "attacking" you, for Pete's sake.

In my family, dollar dances are standard. It doesn't mean they're not rude as hell just because they're common in my circle. I don't tell people "well because this happens in my circle, it's fine etiquette-wise". No - it's not fine anywhere. Tradition =/= etiquette. I know the dollar dance is money-grubbing, so we simply don't participate in the madness and didn't have one at our wedding.

You could do this too by not accounting for who gave/who didn't at your wedding and refusing to tell your parents. My parents asked me how much certain people gave for our wedding because they were going to so-and-so's wedding and wanted to give the same. We refused to tell them. It's none of their business. A less confronting way to do this is "Oh geez, I don't know where the list is, so I couldn't tell you. Sorry."

MyNameIsNot

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

So in your area shaming people is etiquette? Wow!

  I personally do not care if anyone gives us gifts for our wedding it's not important to me.  This is not a personal feeling of mine it is just giving another perspective of how etiquette is done in my area.  It has happened with any wedding I have ever been to whether it was family or friends.  That is just how it is done.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is not etiquette.  Anyone with an ounce of etiquette knows that you don't go around expecting gifts, and you certainly don't share what wedding gifts were received/not received with other people.

This is may be how certain people behave, but it is a far cry from etiquette.  

Viczaesar

bananasplit472001 said:

Most people give cash when they are invited to wedding. Did you receive any cash? If you did then that is your gift an no other gift will be coming. If you did not receive a gift, gift-card or cash from guests then either it hasn't arrived yet or your guests are rude. I would keep that in mind any time you are invited to anything of theirs.

That's awful advice. 

Viczaesar

banana468 said:

I think we forget that guest etiquette DOES call for sending a gift that is a reflection of your love for the couple. There isn't a dollar value that it needs to meet but it IS improper etiquette to give nothing at all. However, a guest has time to send a gift and it doesn't necessarily need to be right at the wedding. Since it's rude to bring gifts to the wedding, a guest may decide to give a gift before the wedding or after the wedding when the couple has returned from their honeymoon.

Etiquette says that you ought to if you can, because if you're close enough to be invited to the wedding then you should be close enough to want to give them a present as a token of congratulations.  But they're still not required.

Viczaesar

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.  

Still wrong.

LondonLisa

bananasplit472001 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

---SIB-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expecting money and gifts is vulgar and crass. Saying that one is obliged to give a gift is vulgar and crass. Just charge admission if you base your friendships on reciprocal gift giving. Not giving you a card or a gift doesn't immediately turn a person into a "prostitution whore", to use the apropos NJ term. Seriously, priorities people!

bananasplit472001

LondonLisa said:

bananasplit472001 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

---SIB-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Expecting money and gifts is vulgar and crass. Saying that one is obliged to give a gift is vulgar and crass. Just charge admission if you base your friendships on reciprocal gift giving. Not giving you a card or a gift doesn't immediately turn a person into a "prostitution whore", to use the apropos NJ term. Seriously, priorities people!

Like I said MY priorities are not getting gifts.  I give gifts at every wedding, party whatever it is because it is classy to do so and I can afford it.  I do not care if I receive a gift at my wedding because I am hosting my guests properly and do not need a gift for friendship.  Maybe you should read my entire statement instead of taking one little blurb out of context.  

climbingsingle

bananasplit472001 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

STUCK IN THE BOX 

This is 100% untrue. I live in NY, right near the border of New Jersey. I've lived here all my life and have attended tons of weddings in both NY and NJ. Stop stereotyping. What you posted is rude and gross. 

stephhilde1000

I usually give a gift at the shower and cash for the wedding, but even if I do just give a gift I wait until the last minute sometimes. Not everyone is a planner ahead. Also, when you say those under financial difficulties, you do not know who that is. DO NOT expect that you will get something from everyone. If that is why you threw the wedding you should not have.

lyndausvi

Viczaesar said:

banana468 said:

I think we forget that guest etiquette DOES call for sending a gift that is a reflection of your love for the couple. There isn't a dollar value that it needs to meet but it IS improper etiquette to give nothing at all. However, a guest has time to send a gift and it doesn't necessarily need to be right at the wedding. Since it's rude to bring gifts to the wedding, a guest may decide to give a gift before the wedding or after the wedding when the couple has returned from their honeymoon.

Etiquette says that you ought to if you can, because if you're close enough to be invited to the wedding then you should be close enough to want to give them a present as a token of congratulations.  But they're still not required.

I've gotten invitations to cousin's kids I would not recognize if  they were standing in front of me before.    So I do not jump on the if you get an invite you should send a gift train.  Some invites are truly to get gifts and I'm not rewarding them for that.

But yes, in generally I send a gift.

bananasplit472001

ClimbingBrideNY said:

bananasplit472001 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

MNVegas said:

bananasplit472001 said:

Nope.  You misunderstood my statement.  I said that if they give you NOTHING then you can judge.  If they give you a card, a handmade scarf whatever it is it is the thought that counts with a gift.  They can write you a poem whatever they want as long as it is celebrating the couple.  Everyone is capable when accepting an invitation to a wedding of giving a gift of some kind that is within their means.  There is no judging on the type of gift just that one is given.

SIB:

So people taking time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your marriage with you would not be considered a gift in your book? You need tangible proof of a gift?   

If you are putting it that way then no a gift is not necessary.  I think it depends on culture and family circumstance.  In my area I would have to agree with the OP that a tangible gift is needed, but it does not have to cost more than a $1 card from the dollar store.  It shows an appreciation for the hard work that is put into the event and offers a form of congratulations to the bride and groom on their wedding.  In my area if someone shows up the wedding with anything less than a card that person is side-eyed because it is just what we do around here.  While it may be perfectly acceptable in other parts of the country to not give gifts as guests it is actually considered rude in my area and people are thought of as cheap.  So this is not just a personal opinion but it is actually the formal etiquette around here.  

For example, my sister had a wedding several weeks ago.  Every single person (165 people) that showed brought a gift no matter their financial circumstance.  I know of several people/couples that are struggling financially that brought my sister and her husband a gift.  That was so thoughtful of them as i knew that they did not have the money to spend on gifts but did so because they wanted to.  It is actually much more respectable of a person to give a gift if they are struggling financially.  In my area people are embarrassed if they do not show up with a gift or embarrassed for anyone who does not.  In this case it is not a matter of perspective but instead the difference of etiquette in certain circles and areas of the country.  In case you were not aware, the rules of etiquette actually change within different areas of the country and in other countries of the world.

So how do people know if someone doesn't give a gift? Do you broadcast that fact to your family & friends? How do you know a guest hasn't shipped a gift to the couples home or mailed a card to them. You have a very materialistic attitude.

In case you are not aware, etiquette is etiquette. You can't mold it to what you want to justify your expectations. No one should be made to feel embarrassed if they don't or can't bring a gift to a wedding. That attitude flies in the face of etiquette and makes you look very greedy

The parents of the bride and groom will know after the wedding if a gift was received.  Around here we call is "obligations"  The parents gave gifts to the guest, the guests children or the parents of the guest at their wedding, bar/bat mitzvah, christening etc. and they expect it to be given in return.  However, the monetary value of the gift means nothing just that a gift was given.  It does not mean that the bride and groom are greedy it is just the way things work around here and is actually the formal etiquette.  No one in my area know any different.  I would be so embarrassed to show up to a wedding without a gift.  Etiquette does differ in different cultures and countries. 

Where are you from where this happens? As a guest I would never attend a wedding without a gift, but the flip side of that is that the host should NEVER judge or "expect" gifts out of guests. Tracking who gives a gift and who doesn't and what they gave is just the cherry on top of a horribly rude practice.

This kind of sounds like justifying an extremely rude, entitled and materialistic culture with "it's regional". I call BS - it doesn't work with cash bars and it doesn't work here either

I live in NJ.  Everyone is a bunch of italian and jewish people who expect their guests to give gifts.  Even if your from NJ that's just how it is in my area and may not jive with yours.  As I stated above I personally do not care if I GET GIFTS AT MY WEDDING, but others in my area did care which is why I got them gifts.  That's all the weddings I have to go off etiquette-wise so I do not understand anything different.  I do agree it is rude but I answered the OP question with what happens in my area.  It clearly doesn't happen everywhere but the OP asked if it was typical and our PERSPECTIVE on the situation. I gave perspective. Even if you think it is wrong I'm certainly not attacking your perspective.

STUCK IN THE BOX 

This is 100% untrue. I live in NY, right near the border of New Jersey. I've lived here all my life and have attended tons of weddings in both NY and NJ. Stop stereotyping. What you posted is rude and gross. 

Not a stereotype.  It is what happens in my family, his family, my sister's husbands family, ours friends, friends of friends.  It is my circle and that's what happens.  Clearly yours is different.  It's just a different perspecitive on what happens.

misshart00

Fwiw, in my circle, shower gifts *are* your wedding gift. If someone gave you a gift at the shower, you probably won't get another gift from them (not that you should expect it anyway). In my circle, showers just give you an opportunity to present your gift to the recipient in person.

MNVegas

bananasplit472001 what you are describing is not etiquette nor is it being classy. It might be more tradition, but I am not sure I would even categorize it at that. Gifts should not be tit for tat. No one should be keeping track, except for thank you note purposes, and no one should be gossiping about who brought what or who didn't bring something. This has nothing to do with being Italian or Jewish or being from NJ. 

Wegl13

I think the idea is that etiquette states you should get the couple something (a card, or a measuring cup, or a phone call) if you are close enough to attend the wedding (ie if you actually know these people and it's not a distant cousin you've never heard of trying to fish a gift out of you). BUT likewise, etiquette dictates that as a couple, you should never expect a gift from any guest. See? Basically the idea is that if you are a good guest you will absolutely bring a gift and if you are the couple you will absolutely be surprised and honored by said gift.

bananasplit472001

I understand all of what everyone is saying.  I am not saying that I personally would expect a gift because I certainly do not.  I was giving the OP a perspective on what my circle does for weddings.  It doesn't matter if you think it is rude or not classy.  That's what has happened at many weddings before mine and I guarantee the parents and grandparents will mention it at mine.  I never said it excused etiquette but obviously people can chose whether or not to accept etiquette.  Just because etiquette exists doesn't mean it is always followed  I can't stop people from behaving that way.  I am just telling it like how is happens and not just saying what is right based on etiquette.  The OP was not asking for an etiquette lesson she was asking for what is typical which may not always follow etiquette.

A great example is cash bars.  The are rude based on etiquette but they still exsist at many weddings.