Sticky bridal shower situation

Knottie48578568

My mom's golf friends (many of whom I've met over the years, but only really know of through stories from my mom) want to throw me a bridal shower (separate from the one my aunties are throwing for family and close friends). It's a sweet idea and I do appreciate their desire to celebrate with me. However, at least half of the ladies attending this party were not going to be on my wedding invitation list because I don't really know them that well. Do you think I have to invite all of them to the wedding now that they'll be at this shower? Every etiquette article I've read says that everyone who is at the shower should be invited to the wedding, but this seems like a little different situation and I feel forced to invite people I wouldn't normally invite just because they decided to have a party for my mom— er, me. Have you faced similar situations? Do you have any advice? Thanks!

AddieCake

Knottie48578568 said:

My mom's golf friends (many of whom I've met over the years, but only really know of through stories from my mom) want to throw me a bridal shower (separate from the one my aunties are throwing for family and close friends). It's a sweet idea and I do appreciate their desire to celebrate with me. However, at least half of the ladies attending this party were not going to be on my wedding invitation list because I don't really know them that well. Do you think I have to invite all of them to the wedding now that they'll be at this shower? Every etiquette article I've read says that everyone who is at the shower should be invited to the wedding, but this seems like a little different situation and I feel forced to invite people I wouldn't normally invite just because they decided to have a party for my mom— er, me. Have you faced similar situations? Do you have any advice? Thanks!

I am going to say this falls under the work/church shower heading, so to speak. It's a separate, specific group of people who want to throw you a shower. I think it's ok. 

MyNameIsNot

I would decline the shower.  

It's your mother's group of friends, not an organized group like a church or place of business.  It's nice of the ladies who are offering to throw it, but I would hate for some of those that you don't know well to get the wrong idea.  

theartistformerlyknownas

I declined a similar offer from FMIL's friends for this reason.

doeydo

It's nice of them to offer, but you should politely decline.  Guests not invited to the wedding should not be invited (or host) pre-wedding parties.

Jen4948

I'd decline the shower.  If they're not going to be invited to your wedding, they should not host or be present at a shower or any other pre- or post-wedding party for you.

If they want to throw a party for your mom, then they should do it without linking it to your wedding.

QueerFemme

I also think you should decline the shower. 

atlastmrsg

I had a small wedding compared to my FI's huge Catholic family events.  The last wedding, they invited over 600 people.  It's usually somewhere big like a VFW hall.  Definitely not what I had in mind.  They couldn't understand why I didn't want a wedding like that.  I was even told "I'd get more presents!"

Instead, I chose to have a 120 person event at a historic estate.  When FI's family wanted to throw me a shower, I was convinced they were going to invite people that they wanted to get wedding invites but didn't so I'd have to invite them.  I was really nervous.  I asked multiple times for guest list--I told them it was so I could have addresses for thank you notes handy.  They said I didn't need it--they'd have guests address thank yous themselves (insert side eye here....)  I had to settle for me sending them the wedding guest list and hoping they worked from it.  I was pretty stressed by the day of.

Thankfully, it all worked out.  Shower was lovely and no one who wasn't invited to wedding was invited.  I got over my discomfort with guests addressing own thank you notes--I told myself that since his family always does that, maybe they've accepted the faux pas as normal practice.  That being said, the stress I had about the invite list and etiquette...I'd decline the shower if I was you.  Perhaps suggest a morning where you all can meet up, play some golf/driving range/tennis, and go out to lunch/coffee afterwards.  No presents, not called a formal shower, no invite list dilemmas, no thank you notes...  

jenijoyk

I have this same problem... but worse! My FMIL offered to throw me a shower for "their side of the family" knowing my bridesmaids were throwing me a shower back in my (far, far away) hometown. She never asked me who I wanted to invite, so I assumed she just hadn't gotten around to it yet, OR she was inviting only the women in her family, all of whom are invited to the wedding. I was a little bummed she didn't offer to include my girlfriends that live here, but whatever! If she wanted to throw a family-only shower, that's fine. Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I come to find out - AFTER invites have been mailed - that she went ahead and invited about a million of her closest friends and neighbors. What? I have never met these women and who knows if they are invited to the wedding. At this shower, people I have never met will outnumber people have. People not invited to the wedding might outnumber people that have. I have no clue.

I figure, it is what it is. I can't decline the shower now that invites are out, and I am more worried about her thinking I am rude (in declining/ruining her party) than about these complete strangers thinking I (or her) are rude for not inviting them to the wedding. I figure I will just get throught it best I can, and if she invited people not invited to the wedding that's on her, not me. No one is getting added to our guest list at this point. Especially people I don't know. Ridiculous.

There's no good way out of it. If you decline the shower, they might think you are rude. If you let them throw you a shower and they aren't coming to the wedding, someone might think you are rude. Showers! THey are the worst.

Knottie48578568

Thanks all for the advice! I was going to decline, but after my mom had a chat with her friend, they agreed to refer to the party as a luncheon instead of a bridal shower. That way, the ladies can chat and give congratulations, but there are no gifts involved and no expectations set for wedding invites. Whew!