Destination Wedding Ceremony

hrlygrl798

So my Fiance and I have decided to opt for a Destination wedding within' the US in Cape Cod. We have everything planned out and ready and thankfully it has gone well! Our only issue is the topic of filing for marriage. 

We learned that in Mass.  the only way to get additional copies of your marriage license down the road you have to visit the same town hall in the exact town that you filed for marriage in. Being from NY and slightly over 8 hour drive from there it doesn't make that an easy task should we ever need to do that. My fiance says he would now rather get pre-married (file in NY and get married at the court house) the day before we leave and do a ceremony still up there. He says it gives him piece of mind, that I do agree with. We are thinking of doing this all on the quiet to prevent family and guest from finding out. I have actually read about people doing it once before.

Has anyone else done anything like this prior to their wedding? If so how did you deal with it, keep it quiet, or if any did find out combat any trouble you get from people.

Jells2dot0

Please do not get married prior to your ceremony and mostly importantly, lie to your guests about it!!! It's especially rude and inconsiderate if everyone is traveling to see what they think is your wedding.

If you decide that you absolutely have to get married legally beforehand, then you need to make sure everyone knows it's a celebration of marriage and not a wedding and then you have to get rid of any plans that are wedding-related. You only get married once and if you do it in NY, that is your wedding day!

I have not looked into MA laws, but I was able to obtain copies of my marriage certificate from Australia with a few extra forms to complete. I think you need to look into that more.

Also, there is a very large thread on this subject on the Etiquette board. I suggest you read it because there are lots of examples from people on here as to why doing this is not etiquette approved.

Viczaesar

hrlygrl798 said:

So my Fiance and I have decided to opt for a Destination wedding within' the US in Cape Cod. We have everything planned out and ready and thankfully it has gone well! Our only issue is the topic of filing for marriage. 

We learned that in Mass.  the only way to get additional copies of your marriage license down the road you have to visit the same town hall in the exact town that you filed for marriage in. Being from NY and slightly over 8 hour drive from there it doesn't make that an easy task should we ever need to do that. My fiance says he would now rather get pre-married (file in NY and get married at the court house) the day before we leave and do a ceremony still up there. He says it gives him piece of mind, that I do agree with. We are thinking of doing this all on the quiet to prevent family and guest from finding out. I have actually read about people doing it once before.

Has anyone else done anything like this prior to their wedding? If so how did you deal with it, keep it quiet, or if any did find out combat any trouble you get from people.

Once you get married, that's it.  Anything after that is not a wedding.  This is a terrible reason to have a fake wedding ceremony, and lying to your guests is always a bad idea.

RebeccaFlower

Doing this really isn't cool. 

LondonLisa

Ditto PP. Please do not make your guests travel and pay money to see you get married and then have them find out you were already married. It is really, really rude and and hurtful to your friends. I would seriously reconsider being friends with a person if they did this to me. Think about it this way: You are willing to ask your friends to spend all this money and time to come see you get married, yet you are willing to lie and have a fake ceremony in case hypothetically further down the road you need an additional copy of your license and you don't want to drive for that long? That seems really selfish to me.

mrs4everhart

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!! Edited: The Knot does not support paragraphs today.

CMGragain

Oh, Mrs. Everhart.  Just because YOU are planning a PPD, do you have to try and convince everyone else to do it?  You have been repeatedly told that this violates etiquette, but you don't care.  Yet you insist on posting on every thread that mentions this.  Sigh. 

mrs4everhart

CMGragain said:

Oh, Mrs. Everhart.  Just because YOU are planning a PPD, do you have to try and convince everyone else to do it?  You have been repeatedly told that this violates etiquette, but you don't care.  Yet you insist on posting on every thread that mentions this.  Sigh. 

I'm not sure how explaining the logistical realities of what the OP has in mind is attempting to convince anyone to do anything? It makes no difference to me if the OP gets her license first or not, or for what reason. Whether this violates wedding etiquette, you're right, I don't give a fig. The OP had legitimate questions which as usual around here weren't addressed, she just got a bunch of not-so-helpful editorial on this made-up PPD nonsense.

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!! Edited: The Knot does not support paragraphs today.

It is also up to their conscience.  Hopefully, this couple has one.  Editorial?  You have issues with that, but feel free to spam the boards with lessons on how to lie?  I don't recall OP asking THAT question either, yet you felt free to address it.

mrs4everhart

MobKaz said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!! Edited: The Knot does not support paragraphs today.

It is also up to their conscience.  Hopefully, this couple has one.  Editorial?  You have issues with that, but feel free to spam the boards with lessons on how to lie?  I don't recall OP asking THAT question either, yet you felt free to address it.

Oh you don't recall, huh? Allow me to refresh your memory by quoting her original post:

"We are thinking of doing this all on the quiet to prevent family and guest from finding out. I have actually read about people doing it once before.

Has anyone else done anything like this prior to their wedding? If so how did you deal with it, keep it quiet, or if any did find out combat any trouble you get from people."

So now tell me @MobKaz, in your view, what exactly was she asking then? 

She asked how to keep something quiet. I said don't speak of it. Seems pretty straight forward. She then asked to hear from others in a similar situation and how they dealt with things. It would seem I'm much better equipped to answer such questions having actual experience in this department, not just spraying my opinion on it. AND, had you read my response the only thing I encouraged her to do is to look further in to the legal issue she thinks she's going to run in to, thus actually avoiding being legally married first. 

If I were spamming I'd light up every board possible with WANT TO BE LEGALLY MARRIED BEFORE YOUR WEDDING? ASK ME HOW! 

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

MobKaz said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!! Edited: The Knot does not support paragraphs today.

It is also up to their conscience.  Hopefully, this couple has one.  Editorial?  You have issues with that, but feel free to spam the boards with lessons on how to lie?  I don't recall OP asking THAT question either, yet you felt free to address it.

Oh you don't recall, huh? Allow me to refresh your memory by quoting her original post:

"We are thinking of doing this all on the quiet to prevent family and guest from finding out. I have actually read about people doing it once before.

Has anyone else done anything like this prior to their wedding? If so how did you deal with it, keep it quiet, or if any did find out combat any trouble you get from people."

So now tell me @MobKaz, in your view, what exactly was she asking then? 

She asked how to keep something quiet. I said don't speak of it. Seems pretty straight forward. She then asked to hear from others in a similar situation and how they dealt with things. It would seem I'm much better equipped to answer such questions having actual experience in this department, not just spraying my opinion on it. AND, had you read my response the only thing I encouraged her to do is to look further in to the legal issue she thinks she's going to run in to, thus actually avoiding being legally married first. 

If I were spamming I'd light up every board possible with WANT TO BE LEGALLY MARRIED BEFORE YOUR WEDDING? ASK ME HOW! 

So kind of you to refresh my memory.   My brain is numb from the constant headbanging from the realization that people who delight in deceit actually exist.

You are indeed best equipped to handle questions regarding lying and deceit.  Congratulations on your personal experience with lying so adeptly.  It is an area of expertise I am proud to say I lack.

mrs4everhart

MobKaz said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

MobKaz said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!! Edited: The Knot does not support paragraphs today.

It is also up to their conscience.  Hopefully, this couple has one.  Editorial?  You have issues with that, but feel free to spam the boards with lessons on how to lie?  I don't recall OP asking THAT question either, yet you felt free to address it.

Oh you don't recall, huh? Allow me to refresh your memory by quoting her original post:

"We are thinking of doing this all on the quiet to prevent family and guest from finding out. I have actually read about people doing it once before.

Has anyone else done anything like this prior to their wedding? If so how did you deal with it, keep it quiet, or if any did find out combat any trouble you get from people."

So now tell me @MobKaz, in your view, what exactly was she asking then? 

She asked how to keep something quiet. I said don't speak of it. Seems pretty straight forward. She then asked to hear from others in a similar situation and how they dealt with things. It would seem I'm much better equipped to answer such questions having actual experience in this department, not just spraying my opinion on it. AND, had you read my response the only thing I encouraged her to do is to look further in to the legal issue she thinks she's going to run in to, thus actually avoiding being legally married first. 

If I were spamming I'd light up every board possible with WANT TO BE LEGALLY MARRIED BEFORE YOUR WEDDING? ASK ME HOW! 

So kind of you to refresh my memory.   My brain is numb from the constant headbanging from the realization that people who delight in deceit actually exist.

You are indeed best equipped to handle questions regarding lying and deceit.  Congratulations on your personal experience with lying so adeptly.  It is an area of expertise I am proud to say I lack.

SIB********************************************************

Why would you assume that anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation necessarily "delights" in anything about it? When making lemonade out of lemons things may get sticky for a minute and the only thing that is delightful is the end product. But I'm great at making lemonade. And sometimes adding vodka to it. 

If I am adept at answering the OP's questions so be it. I'm obviously not in the midst of regretting my decisions or some great moral quandary. We chose the best route for us, as I hope the OP does in her own situation. That said, I think she can avoid the whole thing and should if she can. No one wants or needs extra issues where their wedding is concerned. That we decided the outcome outweighed the potential issues that could arise was a personal choice, that only Mr. E and I could have decided upon. Much like the OP will have to decide for herself with her FI. Maybe for her the potential issues won't outweigh the outcome? If anything I highlighted quite a few issues she's going to run in to: the officiant, bridal party expecting to witness, etc.

I'm giving you a standing ovation with a slow clap for being the paragon of virtue you believe yourself to be. We all have things we love about ourselves, glad you've found yours. 

msuprincess04

You can get a copy of it by phone, in person, or online: http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/gov/departments/dph/programs/health-stats/vitals/obtaining-certified-copies-of-vital-records.html

zitiqueen

Pre-married. *snort* OP, I think you mean "married."

mrsmagicgeek

There is no such thing as "pre-married". It's called "getting married".

I call MUD.

offensivekitten2

Even IF this was true (which it is not), why the heck couldn't you get copies while you are there, and then stick them into a safety deposit box.  For real, you only need one original anyway, but even a paranoid person should be happy with 2 or 3 in a safe location.

misshart00

offensivekitten2 said:

Even IF this was true (which it is not), why the heck couldn't you get copies while you are there, and then stick them into a safety deposit box.  For real, you only need one original anyway, but even a paranoid person should be happy with 2 or 3 in a safe location.

Lol. I got 10 because everyone was all "you need an original copy for everything!" Those same people neglected to tell me everywhere hands the original right back to me. Even the SS office mailed it back.