Planning a bachelorette party for myself?

pooh5898

I'm getting married in a couple of month. None of my bridesmaids are planning a shower-my mother did and has had me help her with printing invitations & making center pieces. None of them have asked me about ideas for a bachelorette party. My MOH is my sister who is having a difficult pregnancy and is on bed rest and having difficulties with running her business from her bed. Baby probably will be born premature so obviously she has things more important going on than planning my bachelorette party. Although she does complain to our mother about being bored and not have much to do stuck at home. One bridesmaid lives out of state so she can't really help with a bachelorette party. The other is my sister-in-law. She has no constraints that would make it too burdensome to ask me what I'd like especially after I paid hundreds for hers in NYC! I'd like a bachelorette party but it doesn't appear my bridesmaids are going to plan anything. Wedding is 2 months away. Do I say anything to any of them? Do I just plan my own?

Jen4948

I think you have to let it go. First, it's considered rude to host any party in your own honor, including a bachelorette party. Second, being someone's bridesmaid doesn't require them to do anything more than obtain the designated outfit and show up in on the wedding day sober and in good spirits. You may not think that your SIL has no contraints that make it too burdensome for her to ask you about a party, but that's not your determination to make-that's hers. You're not entitled to any parties-even as tit for tat for theirs.

Lauderdale Pink

I think bachelorette parties are different.  It's not like you are having a party that requires people to bring you gifts.  It's a group of ladies, getting together, to have some fun before the wedding.  If your expectation is to pay your own way, then go ahead and plan a great evening out for you and your ladies.

southernbelle0915

Unfortunately, it's against etiquette to plan your own bachelorette party. Lots of people don't do this and the wedding goes on. 

Knottie37064329

Girl, if you want to have a bachelorette party, than have a bachelorette party! It's your wedding so you can do whatever you want. Who cares about the rules! When we did one for my friend we went to go see Sex Tips and then went to a bar and everyone was involved in the planning it including the bride. Be involved! Do it!

Butterflyz419

Do your friends generally throw their own birthday parties? My friends all do. We all expect people to if they want to have one. Technically those are parties in their own honor I guess, but nobody thinks it's weird, we just like the excuse for a party and cake. If that's common in your circle I doubt anyone would side-eye a bride planned bachelorette party especially if you paid for your share of any activities yourself. I mean, why would anyone side eye a fun excuse to go out and do whatever? I mean I'd forego any matching shirts or expensive destination thing, but if you want to plan a night on the town to celebrate the end of your singleness, and want to invite friends to come with you, I wouldn't stand on ceremony.

mysticl

pooh5898 said:

I'm getting married in a couple of month. None of my bridesmaids are planning a shower-my mother did and has had me help her with printing invitations & making center pieces. None of them have asked me about ideas for a bachelorette party. My MOH is my sister who is having a difficult pregnancy and is on bed rest and having difficulties with running her business from her bed. Baby probably will be born premature so obviously she has things more important going on than planning my bachelorette party. Although she does complain to our mother about being bored and not have much to do stuck at home. One bridesmaid lives out of state so she can't really help with a bachelorette party. The other is my sister-in-law. She has no constraints that would make it too burdensome to ask me what I'd like especially after I paid hundreds for hers in NYC! I'd like a bachelorette party but it doesn't appear my bridesmaids are going to plan anything. Wedding is 2 months away. Do I say anything to any of them? Do I just plan my own?

Seriously? Please read that again and truly think about how it sounds.  

Lauderdale Pink

@Knottie370 and Butterflyz - YES!!!!!! Thank you for adding some common sense to this board.  I get so tired of the "made-up rules" and make believe "etiquette" I could gag!  Bachelorette parties are a fairly recent trend, and are a great reason to get out with the girls and just have some fun.  If this bride wants to party and celebrate her BMs and pending marriage, then she should go for it!  

MobKaz

There is no reason the OP can't go out with the girls for a "girls night out".  Someone plans a date and place and everyone meets, each on their own dime, for a fun evening.

However, the OP has stated that she "paid hundreds of dollars" for the bachelorette party of a SIL.  It sounds to me as if the OP expects others to pony up cash on her behalf.  It is absolutely tacky to plan a party on your own behalf when if/when you expect others to spend money on your behalf.  How can anyone NOT see the rudeness in that? 

at8408

I'm planning my own because I really want one.  I've never heard of a "you can't throw your own party" rule before. I throw all my own birthday parties. I don't expect others to do for me. If I want something, I make it happen. For my 30th birthday I threw my own party. I paid for all the food and people bought their own booze. I NEVER ask for gifts, though some people did bring them (even my wedding website says only their company is requested). Most people just want an excuse to hang out and have a good time.

For a bachelorette, a couple of people asked if I was having one, but no one volunteered to throw it. All of my bridesmaids are out of state and I didn't expect that they could plan any pre-wedding activities from a distance.

So, I polled my ladies about good dates & willingness to travel, and when the results were in I sent an evite for dinner, drinks and dancing on a night  & location that is good for everyone, and included some other local area ladies that are also invited to the wedding. 

I fully expect to chip in for my share of accommodations, food, covers (if necessary) and booze. I figure some people will try to buy me drinks and such, but whether or not they do isn't a big deal. 

Honestly, the only etiquette I've heard about showers and bachelorette's is that only people invited to the wedding get invited to these too. It's rude to ask them to celebrate the wedding before hand but not actually get invited to it.

Butterflyz419

Yeah, how dare grown adults want to celebrate their lives with their friends. I mean seriously, the nerve! Why celebrate a year closer to death? It's almost as bad as women inviting people to their weddings and throwing some big party in their own honor. Like anyone wants to waste a day sitting through some silly ceremony. They'll probably just get divorced anyway. Why can't they just go down to the courthouse and sign papers privately instead of inviting all these people to celebrate with them? Who wants that anyway?

southernbelle0915

Butterflyz419 said:

Yeah, how dare grown adults want to celebrate their lives with their friends. I mean seriously, the nerve! Why celebrate a year closer to death? It's almost as bad as women inviting people to their weddings and throwing some big party in their own honor. Like anyone wants to waste a day sitting through some silly ceremony. They'll probably just get divorced anyway. Why can't they just go down to the courthouse and sign papers privately instead of inviting all these people to celebrate with them? Who wants that anyway?

You do know that the reception (what I assume you refer to as "the party") is a party the B&G throw in honor of their guests, right?

Butterflyz419

Sure, but the Bride and Groom themselves are a) the reason for the party and b) the guests of honor at the reception even if they're hosting it. Isn't that why people are always going on here that even if the B&G are hosting their own wedding reception, the invitations should appear as if the party is unhosted because you supposedly can't host a party in your own honor?

photokitty

Butterflyz419 said:

Sure, but the Bride and Groom themselves are a) the reason for the party and b) the guests of honor at the reception even if they're hosting it. Isn't that why people are always going on here that even if the B&G are hosting their own wedding reception, the invitations should appear as if the party is unhosted because you supposedly can't host a party in your own honor?

The reception is a thank you gesture to the guests for attending the wedding ceremony. The officiant is the host at the ceremony- where the bride and groom are being honored. So the B&G are not hosting a party in their own honor - they are hosting a party to honor and thank their guests for attending the ceremony.

That said, I think it is NEVER ok for a bride to throw her own shower. Showers are gift giving events. A gift is no required at a wedding.

I'll let it slide most of the time if someone plans their own Bach Party, assuming it is in town and doesn't cost more than a regular night out. The bride should not be collecting any money or stating specific costs. It should be buy your own dinner and drinks type thing. Anything more than that I am going to think you are a tacky, selfish person if you plan it yourself.

Butterflyz419

I don't think "thanking" and "honoring" are interchangeable terms in this sense. The B&G are the guests of honor at any wedding reception. They are the ones toasted. They are the ones who cut the cake. And at least traditionally, if not so much any more, it was their exit that allowed other guests to feel as if they could then leave at their leisure. 

And the officiant may be the MC, but they are not the host as that word is understood. They do not issue invitations nor do they greet the guests in any but the most generic sense. 

The reception does not "honor" the guests. The reception merely thanks the guests for their presence. It does not change the fact that the entire event is in honor of the B&G. If you really wanted to follow that whole "no parties in your own honor" thing, then B&G hosted weddings would have to be out too. No one offers to host your wedding, too bad, but lots of people make do with a courthouse JP, so you'll just have to suck it up, right? It is a complete fiction to act as if the wedding reception is not in honor of the newly married couple.

southernbelle0915

Butterflyz419 said:

Sure, but the Bride and Groom themselves are a) the reason for the party and b) the guests of honor at the reception even if they're hosting it. Isn't that why people are always going on here that even if the B&G are hosting their own wedding reception, the invitations should appear as if the party is unhosted because you supposedly can't host a party in your own honor?

a) No. The reception is where the B&G "receive" or thank their guests for coming to the ceremony. Thanking the guests is the reason for the party.

b) I don't even know what this is about. The first line of the invitation indicates who is hosting - whether it's the parents of the B&G, the B&G, the bride's parents, etc... The host line does not indicate who is being celebrated... like at all. Spend some time in Invitations and Paper for more info on this.

Butterflyz419

I have, and the person who you all seem to look to as invite wording guru, CMGragain, says the following in a recent thread: "The bride and groom never take credit for hosting their own wedding.  If you were hosting your wedding by yourselves, as many couples do, you use the passive voice to avoid this.... The bride and groom are the focus of the event, and it isn't proper for them to claim credit for hosting it." I've seen her repeat dozens of times that the B&G cannot appear to host a party that is in their own honor, and so B&G hosted weddings have indirect wording on the invites with no apparent host to create what is essentially an etiquette fiction. Receptions do not honor the guests any more than a thank you card is sent "in honor" of someone's gift, i.e. there is no mark of distinction being shown to the guests by the reception, it is simple courtesy, a method of saying thank you, and no more, but there are many marks of distinction shown to the B&G, such as cutting the cake and being seated in a special place. This is a semantic argument, no doubt, but the fact of the matter is, the B&G are the reason, the focus, and the honored guests for any wedding reception, there is simply no way around this fact.

southernbelle0915

@CMGragain is the guru on wedding invitations. I believe she would agree that the hosts are not the people who are celebrated at the reception - no matter who they are.

The reception is a thank you for guests for attending the wedding ceremony. There IS (or should be) a mark of distinction. Guests should be "received" at some point - often, that happens when a B&G visit tables and say "thanks for coming". 

Butterflyz419

But that's not a mark of distinction, that's common courtesy. This is why honor =/= thank. A mark of distinction is something beyond that which is necessary as common courtesy. It is necessary to say thank you for someone who does something nice for you, it is a mark of distinction to put them in the program for example. Saying thank you to your guests at a reception, or writing a thank you note for a gift is common courtesy. It is a mark of distinction to get up and call individuals out by name and toast them specifically, precisely because it is not done for everyone.

Put another way, you honored your guests with the invitation to the wedding. The invitation was not necessary and not given to all and therefore was a mark of distinction. However once they were invited, all guests are to be received/thanked as a matter of course and therefore there is no honor in that. Do you think it's an honor to receive a thank you card when you send a gift? Of course not. You expect it. Isn't this precisely why tiered receptions are impolite? Because you would be marking with distinction some guests over others. Your guests do not sit at the head table. Your guests do not cut the cake. Your guests are not toasted. Those are marks of distinction at the reception which is otherwise equal. That is what an honor is. It is a mark of distinction that sets one apart from another. The B&G are honored at the reception and it is their duty to say thank you for the honor bestowed upon them, not by them.

southernbelle0915

Butterflyz419 said:

But that's not a mark of distinction, that's common courtesy. This is why honor =/= thank. A mark of distinction is something beyond that which is necessary as common courtesy. It is necessary to say thank you for someone who does something nice for you, it is a mark of distinction to put them in the program for example. Saying thank you to your guests at a reception, or writing a thank you note for a gift is common courtesy. It is a mark of distinction to get up and call individuals out by name and toast them specifically, precisely because it is not done for everyone.

Put another way, you honored your guests with the invitation to the wedding. The invitation was not necessary and not given to all and therefore was a mark of distinction. However once they were invited, all guests are to be received/thanked as a matter of course and therefore there is no honor in that. Do you think it's an honor to receive a thank you card when you send a gift? Of course not. You expect it. Isn't this precisely why tiered receptions are impolite? Because you would be marking with distinction some guests over others. Your guests do not sit at the head table. Your guests do not cut the cake. Your guests are not toasted. Those are marks of distinction at the reception which is otherwise equal. That is what an honor is. It is a mark of distinction that sets one apart from another. The B&G are honored at the reception and it is their duty to say thank you for the honor bestowed upon them, not by them.

Yes, I generally looked at my wedding invitations this way: "You are honored to be invited - not everyone was, so consider yourself lucky to be honored with my presence. Now come celebrate ME!" /sarcasm

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you here and nothing you can say will change my mind that the reception is an event hosted for wedding guests to thank them for attending the wedding. 

Butterflyz419

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, I generally looked at my wedding invitations this way: "You are honored to be invited - not everyone was, so consider yourself lucky to be honored with my presence. Now come celebrate ME!" /sarcasm

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you here and nothing you can say will change my mind that the reception is an event hosted for wedding guests to thank them for attending the wedding. 

To the bolded, then you don't agree with the oft-quoted sentiment around here: "It's not an honor to be listed on the invitation, only to receive one."  

southernbelle0915

Butterflyz419 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Yes, I generally looked at my wedding invitations this way: "You are honored to be invited - not everyone was, so consider yourself lucky to be honored with my presence. Now come celebrate ME!" /sarcasm

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with you here and nothing you can say will change my mind that the reception is an event hosted for wedding guests to thank them for attending the wedding. 

To the bolded, then you don't agree with the oft-quoted sentiment around here: "It's not an honor to be listed on the invitation, only to receive one."  

Really? 

As a BRIDE - I did not pretend to bestow honor upon my guests for gracing them with an invitation. That's a stuck up and entitled attitude. 

As a GUEST - I feel glad to be invited. 

Butterflyz419

It is neither stuck up nor entitled. It's simply a reality that is an honor to be invited to a wedding. There is no requirement that anyone be invited so inviting someone to be part of it is honoring them as special in your life. You don't invite every single person you happen to know to your wedding. 

Of course your reaction is why hosting events in your own honor can cause such...discomfort, shall we say, and why weddings have always been traditionally hosted by somebody else and not the bridal couple to avoid this very thing. But as much as everyone around here says you can't have a shower or bach party for yourself, because that's in your own honor, I don't think anyone would argue that unless someone offers to host a wedding/reception for you then you shouldn't have one. It is merely an inconsistency in the etiquette that I was pointing out.

MobKaz

Butterflyz419 said:

It is neither stuck up nor entitled. It's simply a reality that is an honor to be invited to a wedding. There is no requirement that anyone be invited so inviting someone to be part of it is honoring them as special in your life. You don't invite every single person you happen to know to your wedding. 

Of course your reaction is why hosting events in your own honor can cause such...discomfort, shall we say, and why weddings have always been traditionally hosted by somebody else and not the bridal couple to avoid this very thing. But as much as everyone around here says you can't have a shower or bach party for yourself, because that's in your own honor, I don't think anyone would argue that unless someone offers to host a wedding/reception for you then you shouldn't have one. It is merely an inconsistency in the etiquette that I was pointing out.

There are actually requirements for invitations.  Whether you like an SO or not, they must be invited with the "desired" guest.  Couples are often required/forced/urged/coerced/obliged into inviting guests because they're family.  I have received several invitations in which the last thing I felt was honored. 

Another difference is that weddings are not inherently gift giving occasions.  It is beyond rude to host a party for yourself when gifts are the expectation, such as in showers, and often, bachelorette parties. 

Butterflyz419

Well of course there are rules once you choose to invite people, but there is no rule that you have to invite anyone in the first place. It is not against etiquette to just elope all together. And yes of course, brides are often pressured into inviting individuals they would not necessarily want there. Even if someone hosted their own shower or bachelorette party there would be rules for who they could and should invite. That's all beside the point.

And I'm sorry but a wedding is way more inherently a gift giving occasion than a bachelorette party, why else would brides agonize so much over sending invites to those they know they can't attend for fear of looking "gift-grabby"? The 1922 edition of Emily Post takes it as a matter of course that as soon as wedding invitations are sent out, wedding presents will begin arriving, and she advises guests to include a note and give a reason when sending a wedding present after the occasion. For goodness sake, Post even advises setting aside a space to display all the presents received during the wedding reception as a way of showing appreciation. If that isn't potentially shaming a negligent guest for not having sent something I don't know what would be!

simplyelise

In regards to the OP, I think I'd reiterate the sentiment that you don't want to plan something then force people to pay. Having a celebratory night out with your closest friends seems totally okay to me. And I agree with the previous poster, I frequently have people over to celebrate moving in to a new place or my birthday, but of course those are events which don't require people to spend any money, just to show up. As long as you don't start shouting demands and keep your expectations in check, it sounds fine.

Perfect example of demanding money: I recently attended a bachelorette party that was out of town for my old college roommate and brought a gift for the bride as well as some chips for the party as well as paying for a drink for the bride and myself at the bars later in the evening. The MOH made several several statements in her incessant fb messaging and on the day of that we could chip in if we felt like it to cover the cost of her (gratuitous) decorations and food supplies. It was pretty uncomfortable.

Viczaesar

Butterflyz419 said:

I don't think "thanking" and "honoring" are interchangeable terms in this sense. The B&G are the guests of honor at any wedding reception. They are the ones toasted. Someone should be toasting to thank the guests for coming, too.  They are the ones who cut the cake. Cutting the cake has nothing to do with being honored and everything to do with hosting duties.  And at least traditionally, if not so much any more, it was their exit that allowed other guests to feel as if they could then leave at their leisure. 

And the officiant may be the MC, but they are not the host as that word is understood. They do not issue invitations nor do they greet the guests in any but the most generic sense. 

The reception does not "honor" the guests. The reception merely thanks the guests for their presence. It does not change the fact that the entire event is in honor of the B&G. No, the entire event is to thank the guests.  That is the purpose of the reception - the bride and groom receive their guests and thank them for being there.  If you really wanted to follow that whole "no parties in your own honor" thing, then B&G hosted weddings would have to be out too. Just because you don't understand the actual purpose and meaning of a reception?  Nope.  No one offers to host your wedding, too bad, but lots of people make do with a courthouse JP, so you'll just have to suck it up, right? It is a complete fiction to act as if the wedding reception is not in honor of the newly married couple.  The complete fiction is to think that it is.

Butterflyz419

No one raises their glasses to toast the guests, that's ludicrous. Someone might get up and give a little vocal thanks the guests for coming at the beginning of their toast to the the bride and groom, or the couple may do so themselves, but it would be very silly to say "let's all raise our glasses in honor of the guests"...there would be no "all" other than the couple (and the host if that wasn't the couple) able to do that since the toasted do not raise their glasses. I know perfectly well what a reception is, but you don't seem to understand what an honor is. If you think being thanked is an honor, and not a matter of basic courtesy I'm not really sure what to tell you. The bridal couple are the guests of honor at the wedding reception, see for example pages 151 & 156 of THIS.  Sorry but this is not some new revelation, it's blatantly obvious. 

ETA: have you ever heard of the parents of the bride cutting the cake because they were the hosts? Because I haven't. Have you ever seen the parents sitting in the middle of a head table in place of the B&G because they were the hosts?  These are things reserved for the guests of honor, regardless of whether or not they are also simultaneously the hosts.

gothic_fairy60

Another vote for not throwing your our bach party. According to the oxford dictionary a Bachelorette party is "A party given for a woman who is about to get married, typically one attended by women only." The act of giving is not generally something you can do to yourself. You can get yourself something, but giving is different. You can plan a night on the town with your friends, but call it just that. Edited: No one has offered to throw me a bachelorette, and if I feel I need to go out I will follow my own advice.

TamsinA

Lauderdale Pink said:

@Knottie370 and Butterflyz - YES!!!!!! Thank you for adding some common sense to this board.  I get so tired of the "made-up rules" and make believe "etiquette" I could gag!  Bachelorette parties are a fairly recent trend, and are a great reason to get out with the girls and just have some fun.  If this bride wants to party and celebrate her BMs and pending marriage, then she should go for it!  

I agree! It seems to me that people sometimes get too caught up on "etiquette" seriously who came up with these rules! If you want a party have a party, if you're feeling self conscious about organising it make it low key. I can't imagine anyone is going to think you were inappropriate under the circumstances and if they do then they should have stepped up and one it for you! 

chibiyui

I have to say, I think it's kinda weird when people throw parties for themselves. 

That said, I will side eye and judge the hell out of "Hey, I'm throwing myself a B-day/Bachorette party! It will be here, and cost $XX per person" The bigger and more elaborate it is, the more I wanna do this

But. 

If you want to just go out on town with some friends, and are like, "Hey, it's my B-day/I'm not going to be single much longer, wanna get some drinks?" I'm probably not going to side eye you and just be glad you want to spend time together. I might even buy you a drink just cause. 

Alternately, if you fully host everyone you invite, I'll again, not be as judgey. But if it feels like you just want free drinks / everyone to focus on you, it's not fun for anyone else.