Inviting Children

kates919

Before my fiance and I "finalized" our guest list, we both agreed that we were going to keep it to 21 and over with the exception of the few children in the bridal party (leaving the decision to their parents whether they wanted them to stay or not).  While I did not want to have a lot of kids running around, I ultimately left the decision to my fiance as he has 13 nieces and nephews; he had the same feeling as me.  However, I have 3 aunts/uncles flying in from Georgia and Florida to be home for my wedding, and all have children.  It has been "strongly suggested" that I invite my cousins since my aunts and uncles are spending so much money to fly everyone home, which to me sounds reasonable and respectful.  Yet how can I justify inviting 6 of my second cousins who are under 21, when none of my fiance's nieces and nephews will be invited due to the age limit?  What would be the proper etiquette for a situation like this?

bethsmiles

I would stand my ground on the no kids. If you start making exceptions it's going to snowball. It's great that they are choosing to spend a lot of money to attend your wedding. But the key word is choosing. That is their choice. A wedding invitation is not a summons and your guests don't get to use their choice to attend to guilt trip you into adding extra guests.

manateehugger

You're inviting trouble with this loose policy.

One of the facts of having a kid-free wedding is that people may decline to come without their kids. It's the way it goes. 

southernbelle0915

I'm not sure who is "strongly suggesting" it, but if they aren't paying for the wedding, it's not their place. 

We had a child free wedding. We had people fly in from all over the country and made no exceptions. We had a short list of local babysitters in case people asked, but most people figured this out on their own. 

I would stand your ground on this. 

jules3964

Sure it seems like a nice gesture since they are flying in anyway, but this can get out of control fast. FI's family could get word of it, hurt feelings will abound, and all of the sudden you've got a wedding with 20 kids invited.

Stand your ground. It's their choice to fly in their kids knowing they are not invited. Plan some time to see them in the days before the wedding, if possible.

jnissa

Unless you think that the kids on your side of the family are more important than the kids on his side of the family - you don't.

chelcee22

Consistency is key here to avoid hurt feelings. You should stick with the no children policy if that's what you want, and not make exceptions just because people are pressuring you. We didn't invite children to our wedding, and there were a few people who chose not to come because of it, but it was their choice. I'm sure your Aunts/Uncles will respect your wishes.

chelcya

I am sister of a groom who will be married this weekend. I have just found out the 'no kids' rule is being bent for out of town guests related to the bride (A BIG SURPRISE!!!!) with their seven year old. I am thinking that I will not go now. I have a 4 year old! I assume when other family hears of this or after the wedding, they too will be very upset. I'm sorry people are making you feel guilty here, but I think it's all or nothing too. It's no way to start being new family with people (having them think that some other peoples' kids are better than theirs).

mysticl

flantastic said:

What PPs said, but I'm stuck on aunts/uncles flying in and the "great expense" reasoning. If you're driving, it can be only marginally more expensive to bring the kids and maybe balanced by not having the cost of a sitter, but if you're flying... wouldn't that just add a lot to the expense?

ETA - I suppose the OP's post could imply that cousins are coming to the city with parents anyway, but just because they're choosing to make a family vacation in conjunction with your wedding doesn't mean you owe them an invite.

It depends on the distance.  There is a point where flying becomes cheaper when you total up the gas, hotels because a road trip takes multiple days, multiple meals on the road because of the multiple days, and taking extra time off of work to make the drive.

ETA: Southwest has some awesome sales so if you are in their service area and like them that can make flying way cheaper.  

jnissa

I think she said the trip was from Georgia to Florida? Bordering states with a lot of cross traffic, so it really may be a case where you can find a cheap commuter flight that's actually cheaper than driving. 

mysticl

jnissa said:

I think she said the trip was from Georgia to Florida? Bordering states with a lot of cross traffic, so it really may be a case where you can find a cheap commuter flight that's actually cheaper than driving. 

And Florida is a really long state if so if someone was going to the Miami area flying may be preferable, especially if it was from the northwestern corner of GA.  

ETA: I just reread the post and they are flying from Georgia and Florida not Georgia to Florida.  

danamw

This is going to be unpopular advice, but in your circumstances with number of kids, ages and geography, you may have to suck it up and let the kids come. It is too complicated to let some attend, others no, and why.

You may be lucky. At my wedding there were 2 couples who left their kids home with a babysitter, even though they were free to bring them. The parents wanted a kid-free day of their own!

Then hope the kids who do come, have parents who keep the arm on them.

mimivac

Don't engage the "strong suggestions" with arguments or protests. Just let them suggest whatever they want. This is your decision, so if you don't want kids, don't extend the inviation to them. No need to have a family consultation for something that has already been decided by you and your FI. Good luck.

kates919

Sorry for the confusion. Our wedding is in Philadelphia where we, and the majority of our families live. I have one aunt who will be flying home from Florida with her 2 kids, and my 2 uncles are flying home from Georgia (both of them have 2 kids as well). So no, I don't think it would be any cheaper for them to drive. Either way, they are still spending a significant amount of money to make sure they get home to attend our wedding, and they can't very well just leave the kids at home. None of my cousins are "little kids," the youngest is 13, so I still would not have a bunch of children running around the reception. I am thinking I may just change the cutoff age. This way my out of town aunts and uncles can bring the kids, if they have to/choose to, and we will be able to include some of FI's nephews and nieces too. I know it stinks, but I remember being young and my sister being invited to family weddings, but I wasn't because I was too young.

Liatris2010

I am okay with the cutoff being children of OOT guests. To me, that makes sense. Finding a sitter for a night  in the place you live is different than than leaving your kids for days or finding a sitter while on a trip. I so think it is bad form to split siblings because of an age cut-off.

kates919

I am okay with the cutoff being children of OOT guests. To me, that makes sense. Finding a sitter for a night  in the place you live is different than than leaving your kids for days or finding a sitter while on a trip. I so think it is bad form to split siblings because of an age cut-off

But even if I do a 21 and older wedding, there will still be siblings who are split since I have cousins who are 21, but their brothers or sisters are not.

huskypuppy14

kates919 said:

I am okay with the cutoff being children of OOT guests. To me, that makes sense. Finding a sitter for a night  in the place you live is different than than leaving your kids for days or finding a sitter while on a trip. I so think it is bad form to split siblings because of an age cut-off

But even if I do a 21 and older wedding, there will still be siblings who are split since I have cousins who are 21, but their brothers or sisters are not.

This is different, because those siblings are adults. And 21 is a reasonable cut off because you can legally drink. You can split up adult siblings, but it's not nice to split up minor siblings.

 ETA: You can invite a 21 year old and not invite a 17 year old from the same family. The 21 year old should get their own invitation anyway. It gets tricky in the 18-20 year olds because they are technically adults, but can't drink. Sorry but people 21 and older can go to bars, and people under can't, so I don't find this a bad cutoff.

This is kind of a common sense thing. You can invite a 25 year old, but not her 21 year old brother. It would be rude to invite a 16 year old, but not her 15 year old sister, because they are both minors. 

I also think if you have an adult wedding, then you shouldn't invite an 18 year old and not her 17 year old sibling- because they are so close in age. But it's fine to invite an 18 year old and not her 6 year old sibling. 

indianaalum

chelcya said:

I am sister of a groom who will be married this weekend. I have just found out the 'no kids' rule is being bent for out of town guests related to the bride (A BIG SURPRISE!!!!) with their seven year old. I am thinking that I will not go now. I have a 4 year old! I assume when other family hears of this or after the wedding, they too will be very upset. I'm sorry people are making you feel guilty here, but I think it's all or nothing too. It's no way to start being new family with people (having them think that some other peoples' kids are better than theirs).

SITB:

WOW, you would skip your own brother's wedding over this? Traveling across the country without your child and getting a sitter for an entire weekend or so is MUCH different than asking someone to get a babysitter for the night. cut him some slack. You skipping his wedding could be a "relationships-changer". Be the bigger person and go to his wedding as it is possibly you don't have all the facts. Perhaps the person invited their own child and booked a flight without onsulting. Wedding guests list planning is hard. I think sometimes we need to cut the bride/groom slack on these type of things. Please don't do something you will regret. your brother only gets married once. Do you really want to miss it over this?

lyndausvi

I'm an all or nothing person when it comes to kids. The only kids invited to my wedding were my 7 nieces and nephews. 100% of the guests were OOT. I really didn't care if someone got upset they were there or not. To me, the very nature of my relationship with them is why they got an invite over other kids. Meaning, if my sibling had passed away they still would have gotten their own invite. I could not say that for other kids who could have been invited. That is how I look at kids invites. Are they only being invited because they are an extension of their parents or if mom and dad were removed would I still want to invite them there?

novella1186

I think proper etiquette is to invite all kids or no kids at all. The people who were told their kids couldn't come will inevitably get hurt feelings when they see other kids there, and there's no reason to start all that drama. 

We originally weren't going to invite kids either but we finally decided to just do it to avoid all the technical difficulties/ sticky situations, etc. If you're dead-set on no kids, then do no kids at all and don't waiver based on someone else's demands. You could always rent out a hotel room where the guests are all staying and hire a babysitter, and let people with kids know you've set up this amenity for them. 

A lot of people leave their kids with a babysitter whether you ask them to or not, because they want an adult night out just as much as you want an adult wedding. 

rubyotter217

You said the youngest of your OOT cousins is 13? If that's the case, it doesn't seem like it's a matter of inconveniencing your aunt/uncles by making them find babysitters, since the kids should be able to take care of themselves for an evening.  If you're worried about the cousins feeling left out, why not suggest they all spend the evening together while their parents are at the wedding? It might provide some excitement, seeing family they don't see often, and makes them feel like they have a party of their own to attend.