Should we include his kids? (Tough situation) XP

decembergrl2014

FI and I are getting married on 12/12/14. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids, but he has 3...two girls (ages 6 and 8) and a 4 year old son. The idea was to have his 2 daughters be flower girls and his son be a ring bearer with my 3 year old nephew. His kids love me, and I love them as if they are my own. They stay with FI and I every weekend, and they always have fun. He and I are both worried about the girls, especially the 8 year old. She's very smart and understands what's going on. She took it very hard when her father told her about he and I being engaged. (Although FI and I are sure his ex wife put ideas in their heads too. She sometimes can be very good about it and other times be very jealous and spiteful.) It's been a tough situation for her, which I understand. I'm sure I would go back and forth like that also if I were in that position. We go back and forth about whether the girls should be at the wedding at all. Part of us both think that maybe they're too young and fragile to witness their father marrying someone else, even though they love me and know that I love them. Another part of me worries when they get older that they will be resentful that they were left out. Has anybody else gone through this? How did you handle it?

mysticl

decembergrl2014 said:

FI and I are getting married on 12/12/14. It's the second marriage for both of us. I don't have any kids, but he has 3...two girls (ages 6 and 8) and a 4 year old son. The idea was to have his 2 daughters be flower girls and his son be a ring bearer with my 3 year old nephew. His kids love me, and I love them as if they are my own. They stay with FI and I every weekend, and they always have fun. He and I are both worried about the girls, especially the 8 year old. She's very smart and understands what's going on. She took it very hard when her father told her about he and I being engaged. (Although FI and I are sure his ex wife put ideas in their heads too. She sometimes can be very good about it and other times be very jealous and spiteful.) It's been a tough situation for her, which I understand. I'm sure I would go back and forth like that also if I were in that position. We go back and forth about whether the girls should be at the wedding at all. Part of us both think that maybe they're too young and fragile to witness their father marrying someone else, even though they love me and know that I love them. Another part of me worries when they get older that they will be resentful that they were left out. Has anybody else gone through this? How did you handle it?

Do not cut them out of attending the wedding.  You are right they could very well be resentful and not just when they are older but on that very day.  They could see it as him choosing you over them.  Especially if their brother is invited and they are not.  That sends a very strong message that the brother is loved/favored over them and gets to be part of Dad's new family while they are out in the cold. I get that is not your intention but that's how they could feel.  That is also how the rest of your guests could perceive it and if the ex is truly spiteful she could absolutely play it up that way.  

JCbride2015

Do not exclude them. They will feel hurt and left out. As you said, they're old enough to know what's going on. This would cement feelings that you are more important than they are.

I've been in your daughters' position. I generally didn't mind when my dad's gf would spend time with all of us, but I felt excluded when my dad changed the visitation so he could do something alone with a date. I was 20 when my dad married SM, so older than your girls, but it would have been extremely relationship damaging not to be invited. A little girl will see this is even more black and white terms, and be very hurt.

offensivekitten2

I can't think of a worse way to handle the situation than to cut them out of the wedding entirely, like they don't matter, and don't have any part of your new marriage.

I know it's hard, but include them.  Even if they don't have a 'role' in the wedding, let them at least be there.  Part of being a family is including the people you love, even if they aren't on their best behavior.  It lets them know that you love them without condition.

Lauderdale Pink

Even though he is their dad, I have heard stories where the little girls also get an "engagement ring" when a new family is formed, it makes them part of the whole wedding and, IMO, creates a new family unit.  Maybe you could give the children rings, maybe call them "family unity rings" (or something less corny), and let them know how important your new family is to you.  Have a small, family dinner, and let them know that you understand how they feel about the changes and how important they are to your wedding and to your life.  The point is for them to know that they are a part of a new family unit but that would never replace their mom.

It's a hard road for sure.

ashley8918

Absolutely do not cut them out of the wedding alltogether. What a horrible thing to do to little girls?

As far as them being IN the wedding, why don't you just ask them if they want to?

ashley8918

Lauderdale Pink said:

Even though he is their dad, I have heard stories where the little girls also get an "engagement ring" when a new family is formed, it makes them part of the whole wedding and, IMO, creates a new family unit.  Maybe you could give the children rings, maybe call them "family unity rings" (or something less corny), and let them know how important your new family is to you.  Have a small, family dinner, and let them know that you understand how they feel about the changes and how important they are to your wedding and to your life.  The point is for them to know that they are a part of a new family unit but that would never replace their mom.

It's a hard road for sure.

Um. This sounds really creepy and weird.

lilacck28

I think it's totally possible that at those young ages, nothing is going to feel great for the kids. Going to the wedding will surely sting a bit. But, as PP have said, I think not being invited to the wedding will sting MUCH more, and probably have a lasting effect on your relationship.

chibiyui

Nothing will brand you as the evil stepmother faster then excluding the kids from the wedding. NOTHING. Most certainly invite them, and ask them if they would like to be in the wedding. If they don't, fine. If they do, awesome. If they change their mind either way up to and including the day before, accommodate them. 

Do not include them in your vows, or do that thing Lauderdale Pink mentioned. That is fucking creepy, and if you do either of those you can bet you'll be billed for the 8 year olds future therapy sessions. 

signed, 
a step kid.

Jen4948

I think your best course of action is not to exclude them (that's the worst) but to keep it open as to their participation.

On top of it being normal fot their ages to not be sure from one day to the next what they want, the situation with their parents being divorced and their dad remarrying someone not their mom must be very confusing. So I'd be patient and respectful of their feelings and let them decide what they would like to do.

decembergrl2014

Thank you ladies. I want them there more than anything. It doesn't matter to me if they are flower girls or not. It's just a matter of convincing FI to include them. I think if he doesn't have them there that he will regret it, especially when we get the pics back. I'll feel really bad too. To me it will seem like the day was incomplete without them, especially if his son is there. He also mentioned to me about doing a father/daughter dance with the 2 of them in lieu of a mother/son dance. (His mother passed away.) I think deep down he wants them there as well, he's just afraid of the girls saying no. I agree about letting them decide. They may change their minds back and forth between now and then. I just wish there were some "magic words" to say to convince them to come.

lilacck28

I'm still very confused about why the daughters are possibly "too young and fragile" to come to the wedding, but the son is not. Not inviting his children would seem pretty terrible to me, but inviting the son and not the daughters just seems... horrendous.

mysticl

lilacck28 said:

I'm still very confused about why the daughters are possibly "too young and fragile" to come to the wedding, but the son is not. Not inviting his children would seem pretty terrible to me, but inviting the son and not the daughters just seems... horrendous.

I wonder if it's that the girls just show their feelings more that the boy does so as a result they come across as "fragile".  Whereas the boy may have the exact same feelings and either doesn't show them or expresses them differently so the grownups in his life don't realize what he is feeling.  

lilacck28

I never thought it was an issue of the boy not having feelings about the wedding. I was noting the ridiculousness of inviting the son but not the daughters when they are all young children of the groom. I legitimately do not understand how such a notion could even occur to a parent.

mysticl

lilacck28 said:

I never thought it was an issue of the boy not having feelings about the wedding. I was noting the ridiculousness of inviting the son but not the daughters when they are all young children of the groom. I legitimately do not understand how such a notion could even occur to a parent.

I was referring to why the OP may have described the girls as fragile but not the boy.  That she and/or the children's father may think the boy isn't upset about it because he isn't behaving the way the girls are.  

I also don't understand why they would consider inviting the boy and not the girls either.  

Lauderdale Pink

@Ashley8918 sorry that I sound "creepy and weird", work on your big girl vocabulary.

To OP, if you are considering a "father/daughter" dance, maybe you could dance with your new step-son at that time so he is not left out.

STARMOON44

He needs to suck it up. He's thinking of not inviting them because their rejection would hurt him?!? Too bad so sad. He is the grown up here. If anyone's feeling are being hurt he should be doing everything in his power to make sure they are his feelings and not little children's. That's what being a parent means.

LittlePeachBlossom

The children must be included.  I don't understand why there needs to be any convincing. Excluding them will be hurtful and detrimental to their relationship. 

abbyj700

Yeah, invite them. PLEASE.

FI has a 6 year old daughter. There was no question she would be invited, and we asked her if she'd like to be in the wedding. She and I have been doing a lot of figuring out what's going on in our worlds as I become her fathers wife. I've been around for 2 years, and she loves me - but it's a whole new thing to have a step-mom, step-daughter label. 

So talk to them about it. Bring little things up. My future step daughter has elected to call my parents grandma and grandpa even though she doesn't see them often. She was miffed when I called our one dog her sister, and we discussed that her daddy is the doggies daddy too. She's piecing stuff together, and we're talking - that's all you can do - find out how they feel and do everything you can to make them feel comfortable.

[Deleted User]

Plan your wedding for a weekend that is your normal vistation weekend, this way ex can't pull a stunt & not let them come because it's her weekend. Sounds like you have it under control in regards to letting them decide if they want to be flower girls or not. I do love the idea of him doing a father/daughter dance with them and you doing a mother/son dance if you feel comfortable with that. The photos you take as a family are priceless and the day will be one of many amazing memories you will make as a family. I think the only thing you can do to make it easier to to have your FI try to plan special one on one outtings with each kid occasionally so they realize that they are still just as special to him as they ever were.

decembergrl2014

**Abbyj700- thank you for your reply. It's nice to hear from someone else who is going through a similar situation. I agree it's a whole different ball game to be their stepmom and have them understand that they'll be my stepdaughters. **Erikan73-thank you also for your advice. Another PP suggested me doing a mother/son dance with his son. It would be adorable. As for his ex, she has the kids all day, every day since she doesn't (refuses) to work, so FI and I take them every weekend. Since the wedding is on a Friday she may start in because the kids will have to miss school that day. We'll see what happens.

Lauderdale Pink

At their age, it is not a "school day" issue.  They are not exactly missing calculus.  But, if you are concerned about his ex, it is a good bet that she is making negative comments about your wedding to the kids.  It seems to me that YOU truly have the best interests of the children in your heart, which is what you should follow.

mysticl

Lauderdale Pink said:

At their age, it is not a "school day" issue.  They are not exactly missing calculus.  But, if you are concerned about his ex, it is a good bet that she is making negative comments about your wedding to the kids.  It seems to me that YOU truly have the best interests of the children in your heart, which is what you should follow.

It's a "school day" issue at any age.  The law says they must attend school when it is in session unless they have a valid excuse.  Personally, I think missing one day for a parent's wedding is valid but the school may not feel that way and some have a policy that the child cannot make up anything they miss on an unexcused day.  

abbyj700

If they have to miss school - he needs to start the conversation with his ex and the school early. As a parent that's his responsibility. Springing it on his ex close to the wedding won't help anyone, it will just make it more stressful. And him taking the role of talking to the teacher, getting work, making arrangements should cut down any argument the ex could have that he's putting work on her to get this done when it's his responsibility.