"Best Lady" outfit question?

Knottie91999283

Hi girls! My husband (we got married civilly due to military reasons) and I will be having our "big" wedding next year in May. We've talked about a wedding party and we really just want to have a MOH and a best man up there with us. My MOH will be one of my sisters and after really thinking about it, he wants his only sister as his best man, hence the best lady title for this post. I thought it was weird to have a girl on his side but then realized it's actually a little more common now aaaand who cares! Anyways, my question is what should she wear? I definitely want her to wear a dress but should it be the same color as the MOH or different? I've been reading online that usually they are seen wearing a black dress, opinions on that? Also, do you guys think a boutonnière like his will be ok for her or is a bouquet better like the MOH's? Thanks in advance!

MobKaz

Knottie91999283 said:

Hi girls! My husband (we got married civilly due to military reasons) and I will be having our "big" wedding next year in May. We've talked about a wedding party and we really just want to have a MOH and a best man up there with us. My MOH will be one of my sisters and after really thinking about it, he wants his only sister as his best man, hence the best lady title for this post. I thought it was weird to have a girl on his side but then realized it's actually a little more common now aaaand who cares! Anyways, my question is what should she wear? I definitely want her to wear a dress but should it be the same color as the MOH or different? I've been reading online that usually they are seen wearing a black dress, opinions on that? Also, do you guys think a boutonnière like his will be ok for her or is a bouquet better like the MOH's? Thanks in advance!

This should answer all your questions.......
http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread#latest

OliveOilsMom

Knottie91999283 said:

Hi girls! My husband (we got married civilly due to military reasons) and I will be having our "big" wedding next year in May. We've talked about a wedding party and we really just want to have a MOH and a best man up there with us. My MOH will be one of my sisters and after really thinking about it, he wants his only sister as his best man, hence the best lady title for this post. I thought it was weird to have a girl on his side but then realized it's actually a little more common now aaaand who cares! Anyways, my question is what should she wear? I definitely want her to wear a dress but should it be the same color as the MOH or different? I've been reading online that usually they are seen wearing a black dress, opinions on that? Also, do you guys think a boutonnière like his will be ok for her or is a bouquet better like the MOH's? Thanks in advance!

You are already married.  So you cannot have a wedding without divorcing in between.  You are having a vow renewal (and most people wait until milestone anniversarys 10, 25, etc).  You should not have the traditional trappings of a wedding, which means no WP, no bouquet tossing, no first dances, etc.  But you can have cake, people always love cake.

Here is a great website for you to use: clicky.

AddieCake

It is up to her and your husband what she wears since she is standing on his side. My husband's groomswoman opted to match him by wearing a skirt suit that matched the color of his suit and a shirt and tie that matched our flowers/my husband's tie. I asked her if she wanted a bout, and she said yes, so that's what she got.

chibiyui

Agreed with Addie. She is not standing on your side, so you should not dictate her attire. 

Lauderdale Pink

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

MobKaz

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

There are many women on these boards who have either served themselves, or have family who have served our country.  They would be insulted to be told that their service affords them a level of entitlement or free pass on a PPD.

@kmmssg and other women who have served, would you care to comment?

OliveOilsMom

@Lauderdale Pink I can read.  I know that OP was not asking my permission.  I was merely telling her that she is a wife, not a bride.  So any trapping of a wedding that she is planning, including a WP, will not be widely accepted.  If OP had gone to the Military brides board, she would have been met with the same answer.  She would have been met with the same answer all over these boards if she had neglected to mention the military in any fashion.  But thank YOU for imply that I am not supportive of our military. 

In addition to kmmssg, I know that @PDKH also feels the same way.

NYCMercedes

She should wear what the other guests wear as she should sit with the other guests at a vow renewal.

QueerFemme

Vow renewals don't have wedding parties.

[Deleted User]

Knottie91999283 said:

Hi girls! My husband (we got married civilly due to military reasons) and I will be having our "big" wedding next year in May. We've talked about a wedding party and we really just want to have a MOH and a best man up there with us. My MOH will be one of my sisters and after really thinking about it, he wants his only sister as his best man, hence the best lady title for this post. I thought it was weird to have a girl on his side but then realized it's actually a little more common now aaaand who cares! Anyways, my question is what should she wear? I definitely want her to wear a dress but should it be the same color as the MOH or different? I've been reading online that usually they are seen wearing a black dress, opinions on that? Also, do you guys think a boutonnière like his will be ok for her or is a bouquet better like the MOH's? Thanks in advance!

If you were getting married, then my response would be that you can't dictate to her what to wear since she's not standing at your side.

But you're already married, so my response is that you shouldn't have a wedding party for your PPD.

[Deleted User]

When one of my friends got married, the groom also had a "best lady" She wore a black skirt, white button down shirt & a black vest. I can't remember if she work a tie, bowtie or just left the top button open. You could have the best lady wear a skirt, button down shirt & vest that would coordinate with your husband. And I would provide her with a boutinerre. But the key thing is that you need to start referring to this as a vow renewal and drop the word wedding because that is what you are doing, a vow renewal. I understand you weren't able to have the wedding of your dreams due to your husband being in the miltary and there is no reason you can't do a vow renewal of your dreams because I'm assuming you aren't hiding the fact that you are married to your family & friends. I'm not going to tell you that you can't have a bridal party because I've seen pictures of vow renewals where people had their original wedding party back or their grown children as their wedding party.

manateehugger

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

Yeah, no. Being military doesn't give you the right to stomp all over etiquette, common decency, and virtually commit fraud (saying you aren't really married, but cashing in on the benefits). In return for the sacrifices they make, the United States offers military couples tremendous benefits (free health care, housing and food stipends, etc.) - well beyond what the average American employee would receive. 

It is a complete travesty that military couples think they should be entitled to do what they want because they signed up to serve our country. What a complete disrespect to the nature of their own service. I married my husband knowing very well it would mean we would be making some serious sacrifices in terms of jobs, family, where we live, separations, etc. If I wasn't prepared to make those sacrifices, I wouldn't have married him. 

buttercup1958

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

I don't like you. I'm a military brat and I rather you not speak for military and what they can/can't do. Of course she didn't ask @OliveOilsMom if she could have a wedding. She already had one so asking would be kinda moot. OP I really urge you to rethink this idea. If not let them wear whatever they want. Actors/actresses don't pay for their own costumes.

atlastmrsg

I would be completely supportive of a military friend who had to postpone their "formal" wedding day.  Life happens.  Serving your country happens (thank you for doing this!)  I hope she has a big PPD day.  If the men are in black or navy suits, a black or navy suit or dress would look nice with a pretty corsage.  Bottom line: just host your guests graciously.  Have tasty food, plenty to drink, and a good time.  

CMGragain

atlastmrsg said:

I would be completely supportive of a military friend who had to postpone their "formal" wedding day.  Life happens.  Serving your country happens (thank you for doing this!)  I hope she has a big PPD day.  If the men are in black or navy suits, a black or navy suit or dress would look nice with a pretty corsage.  Bottom line: just host your guests graciously.  Have tasty food, plenty to drink, and a good time.  

Many military couples choose to do vow renewals when their term of service is over.  Most of us do not object to that.  There are etiquette rules for vow renewals, and they are not second, re-do weddings.  No wedding dresses, no wedding parties, no wedding traditions, and no gifts.

Military couples have been having quick weddings for thousands of years.  Many of them today cherish that memory.  It is insulting to them to imply that this wedding wasn't good enough.  Only recently have military brides thought that having a PPD was acceptable.

OP, here is a good etiquette guide for a proper vow renewal:

 http://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/vow-renewal-etiquette

emmaaa

PDKH said:

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

Yeah, no. Being military doesn't give you the right to stomp all over etiquette, common decency, and virtually commit fraud (saying you aren't really married, but cashing in on the benefits). In return for the sacrifices they make, the United States offers military couples tremendous benefits (free health care, housing and food stipends, etc.) - well beyond what the average American employee would receive. 

It is a complete travesty that military couples think they should be entitled to do what they want because they signed up to serve our country. What a complete disrespect to the nature of their own service. I married my husband knowing very well it would mean we would be making some serious sacrifices in terms of jobs, family, where we live, separations, etc. If I wasn't prepared to make those sacrifices, I wouldn't have married him. 

Thank you for saying this! My older brother was in the Army (and many of my family members have served) and I hate the sense of entitlement so many military men and women have. I am beyond grateful that they or their spouse is serving or has served, but that does not give you the right to do whatever the hell you want. I hate entitlement, period, not just military, but I see so many people I went to high school with pulling the "But I'm (insert branch of military here)..." when someone calls them out.

It is so refreshing to see people like you @PDKH who serve (or have spouses serving) and don't expect a damn thing. I've always said, if you are doing a job because you want special treatment or recognition, then you aren't doing your job for the right reason (this is for any source of employment). 

OP, if you insist on having a ceremony this soon after your wedding (you really should wait until at least a milestone anniversary but that is your perrogative) then please call it a vow renewal and treat it as such. you are married! Congratulations! 

And thank you to all men and women serving in the millitary!

manateehugger

emmaaa said:

PDKH said:

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

Yeah, no. Being military doesn't give you the right to stomp all over etiquette, common decency, and virtually commit fraud (saying you aren't really married, but cashing in on the benefits). In return for the sacrifices they make, the United States offers military couples tremendous benefits (free health care, housing and food stipends, etc.) - well beyond what the average American employee would receive. 

It is a complete travesty that military couples think they should be entitled to do what they want because they signed up to serve our country. What a complete disrespect to the nature of their own service. I married my husband knowing very well it would mean we would be making some serious sacrifices in terms of jobs, family, where we live, separations, etc. If I wasn't prepared to make those sacrifices, I wouldn't have married him. 

Thank you for saying this! My older brother was in the Army (and many of my family members have served) and I hate the sense of entitlement so many military men and women have. I am beyond grateful that they or their spouse is serving or has served, but that does not give you the right to do whatever the hell you want. I hate entitlement, period, not just military, but I see so many people I went to high school with pulling the "But I'm (insert branch of military here)..." when someone calls them out.

It is so refreshing to see people like you @PDKH who serve (or have spouses serving) and don't expect a damn thing. I've always said, if you are doing a job because you want special treatment or recognition, then you aren't doing your job for the right reason (this is for any source of employment). 

OP, if you insist on having a ceremony this soon after your wedding (you really should wait until at least a milestone anniversary but that is your perrogative) then please call it a vow renewal and treat it as such. you are married! Congratulations! 

And thank you to all men and women serving in the millitary!

Yeah, I'm with you. I can't stand it when people use the military as a crutch to act like an asshole. Dude, you volunteered to serve our country, opening yourself up to the possibility of giving up your life. Why cheapen that volunteerism by acting like a douche and then saying it's ok because you might pay the ultimate sacrifice one day?

Not to mention, there are millions of people that work in dangerous places and make sacrifices to keep the rest of us happy and safe. Police officers, fire fighters, social workers, etc. 

Anyway, lol, I'll stop my rant before I get going. 

emmaaa

PDKH said:

emmaaa said:

PDKH said:

Lauderdale Pink said:

@OliveOilsMom-OP was not asking your permission, thank heavens, to have her wedding, she was asking an attire question. So, how about giving our military couples a pass on the judgmental positions, thank them for their sacrifice, and get over yourself.

@OP Knottie - Have you discussed this with FI?  He may or may not even care what she wears.  Do you have a preference at all?  As for flowers, I think a corsage would be a nice compromise, you would still like her to look/feel feminine.  

Yeah, no. Being military doesn't give you the right to stomp all over etiquette, common decency, and virtually commit fraud (saying you aren't really married, but cashing in on the benefits). In return for the sacrifices they make, the United States offers military couples tremendous benefits (free health care, housing and food stipends, etc.) - well beyond what the average American employee would receive. 

It is a complete travesty that military couples think they should be entitled to do what they want because they signed up to serve our country. What a complete disrespect to the nature of their own service. I married my husband knowing very well it would mean we would be making some serious sacrifices in terms of jobs, family, where we live, separations, etc. If I wasn't prepared to make those sacrifices, I wouldn't have married him. 

Thank you for saying this! My older brother was in the Army (and many of my family members have served) and I hate the sense of entitlement so many military men and women have. I am beyond grateful that they or their spouse is serving or has served, but that does not give you the right to do whatever the hell you want. I hate entitlement, period, not just military, but I see so many people I went to high school with pulling the "But I'm (insert branch of military here)..." when someone calls them out.

It is so refreshing to see people like you @PDKH who serve (or have spouses serving) and don't expect a damn thing. I've always said, if you are doing a job because you want special treatment or recognition, then you aren't doing your job for the right reason (this is for any source of employment). 

OP, if you insist on having a ceremony this soon after your wedding (you really should wait until at least a milestone anniversary but that is your perrogative) then please call it a vow renewal and treat it as such. you are married! Congratulations! 

And thank you to all men and women serving in the millitary!

Yeah, I'm with you. I can't stand it when people use the military as a crutch to act like an asshole. Dude, you volunteered to serve our country, opening yourself up to the possibility of giving up your life. Why cheapen that volunteerism by acting like a douche and then saying it's ok because you might pay the ultimate sacrifice one day?

Not to mention, there are millions of people that work in dangerous places and make sacrifices to keep the rest of us happy and safe. Police officers, fire fighters, social workers, etc. 

Anyway, lol, I'll stop my rant before I get going. 

VOLUNTEERED being the key word. I'm glad I don't come off as some military hater because I think many people would think of it that way.

southernbelle0915

Others have covered why it's really out of line to plan a "wedding" when you already had one.

But there are definitely options to celebrate with your family and friends without pooping all over the sanctity of an actual wedding. Have a big party to celebrate that you got married - hire a DJ, hire a caterer, rent out a venue, throw a big party. Invite all your friends and family and have a blast!

But do not pretend it's a wedding - it's not a wedding because nobody is getting married and it's silly to pretend it is. So no attendants (this takes care of your OP question because you won't dictate what anyone wears), no ceremony, no "first" dances or cake cutting, no showers, etc. It's not a wedding and these are all wedding related activities, so they're not appropriate. 

Knottie91999283

Uhhhh wow!! So much I can say to all of this but I'll save my time for something more important. Let's just say I am so glad none of ya'll are invited to my.....wait for it.....WEDDING!!!!

Thanks to the one or two posters who were positive! But because all the rest were such, fill in the blank, I will not be on TK anymore! I found another website with good positive and supportive people!

southernbelle0915

Knottie91999283 said:

Uhhhh wow!! So much I can say to all of this but I'll save my time for something more important. Let's just say I am so glad none of ya'll are invited to my.....wait for it.....WEDDING!!!!

Thanks to the one or two posters who were positive! But because all the rest were such, fill in the blank, I will not be on TK anymore! I found another website with good positive and supportive people!

For the record, I was positive and gave alternatives for an option that won't offend and you can still have the party you want. Just because people don't agree with you or fall all over your ideas with praise doesn't mean they are negative. Shame on you for being rude to people trying to help you. 

And your event will be a....wait for it... FAKE WEDDING! ZOMG!!!! Want to know why? Because nobody is getting married. How silly will you feel pretending like you're getting married, pretending you're a bride, dragging everyone through theatrics that are completely fake.... I at least hope you're being honest with everyone so they can make the choice on whether to attend this Broadway production or save their money.

[Deleted User]

Knottie91999283 said:

Uhhhh wow!! So much I can say to all of this but I'll save my time for something more important. Let's just say I am so glad none of ya'll are invited to my.....wait for it.....WEDDING!!!!

Thanks to the one or two posters who were positive! But because all the rest were such, fill in the blank, I will not be on TK anymore! I found another website with good positive and supportive people!

Those "good positive and supportive people" are supporting a lie if you don't plan on telling your guests and others that you are already married and this production is a "re-do". You may not like what some have to say on TK but the ladies here are honest and if you can't take honesty then you may not want to post on public forums.

thelastdreamer

I'm sure all the people at WW are showering snow all over your speshul snowflake FAKE wedding. 

mrsmagicgeek

thelastdreamer said:

I'm sure all the people at WW are showering snow all over your speshul snowflake FAKE wedding. 

Right? It's HER DAY!

thisismynickname2

I'm going to address only the question of what a best lady should wear.

"Should" being the operative word, not to mention subjective. 

I do not like the suggestions that she should wear a suit-type outfit to look like groomsmen. Unless this is actually a preferred outfit over any kind of bridesmaid-type dress, she is not a prop and should not be made to resemble a man just because she's on the groom's side of the bridal party.  I'd be super annoyed if I was asked to wear a suit when the other women get to wear fancy dresses. 

A) ask the best lady what she'd prefer- a dress, something identical to bridesmaids and MOH, or something totally different from the bride's side.  

chibiyui

Knottie91999283 said:

Uhhhh wow!! So much I can say to all of this but I'll save my time for something more important. Let's just say I am so glad none of ya'll are invited to my.....wait for it.....WEDDING!!!!

Thanks to the one or two posters who were positive! But because all the rest were such, fill in the blank, I will not be on TK anymore! I found another website with good positive and supportive people!

Oh no. You were such a valuable member too. Constantly engaging in discussions, giving great advice, and having such sharp, topical wit. You will be so missed.

Oh wait. You did none of that, and your How I Met Your Mother joke sucked. No one will even notice your gone.

MyNameIsNot

It's a sorry shame that people who are old enough to be married and serving in the military are so immature that they will have fake weddings because the real one wasn't fancy enough.

Attendants are inappropriate for vow renewals.  Pretending that a renewal is a wedding is the epitome of childish attention seeking.

mysticl

OliveOilsMom said:

@Lauderdale Pink I can read.  I know that OP was not asking my permission.  I was merely telling her that she is a wife, not a bride.  So any trapping of a wedding that she is planning, including a WP, will not be widely accepted.  If OP had gone to the Military brides board, she would have been met with the same answer.  She would have been met with the same answer all over these boards if she had neglected to mention the military in any fashion.  But thank YOU for imply that I am not supportive of our military. 

In addition to kmmssg, I know that @PDKH also feels the same way.

On the military brides board she probably would have been accused of defrauding the United States Government for the sake of health benefits.  The line of reasoning being those benefits are for married couples and if you don't consider that quickie JOP wedding be "real" you should not be collecting benefits for married people since you don't consider yourself married.

FWIW DH is active duty Navy and we had a church wedding with the big puffy dress, a wedding party and a reception.  We worked around the Navy and there was always the chance we would have to call it off at the last minute (that's why you get deployment clauses in your contracts) but we pulled it off.

stephhilde1000

My fiance chose his sister as best woman as well.  her dress is the same style as my MOH the difference is she is in black with a gold middle piece and my MOH is in red with the gold.  She does not want a bouquet so we are offering a corsage (wrist) if she'd want to wear it, if not that is ok too.

tigersgirlgv

Ignoring the PPD, here's the advice for anyone getting married and considering a "best lady." I was in a wedding with women on the groom's side and they wore the exact same thing as the bridesmaids. I've also seen the same style of dress, but in black. When my uncle re-married, his twenty-something daughter was his attendant and she wore knee-length dress shorts (like dress pants, but shorts...), a button-down shirt and vest. She looked adorable, but that look might not be for everyone. I would ask FI what his opinion is and then talk with the "best lady."