My grandparents don't approve of my officiant

Knottie3720666

Here's my dilemma...My brother just became ordained online specifically for my wedding. My fiance, myself and my brother are all excited about that. My grandparents, however are extremely upset that I am not having "a real minister/priest/judge" marry us...They said they wouldn't even consider it a legit marriage in their eyes. Soo, to make them happy I compromised and said that I would bring in a 2nd officiant who is more "seasoned" to co-officiate with my brother. After getting several quotes, every officiant in Central NJ seems to be charging between $400-$500. There is no way I am paying that kind of money just to please my grandparents. How should I process from here? Do I just tell them "sorry, I really wanted to accommodate your wishes, but we do not have that kind of money" and hope that they understand? They usually don't question my life choices so since they have so openly expressed how upset they are about this, I know it really is a big deal to them. My brother is upset that they don't want him to officiate. He wants to be the only officiate, as we had originally planned. Not sure what to do...

Knottie3720666

I mean "proceed from here" not "process"

MobKaz

You marry in the way that works for you and your FI. No one else has a right to dictate your choices. The marriage does not need to be legit in their eyes. Do you want them to dictate other issues in your future? My son had a childhood friend officiate his wedding. He, too, was ordained via the church of dot com. It went against my personal religious beliefs. But his wedding was not about my religious beliefs. If your grandparents respect you, they need to respect your decisions.

beethery

Knottie3720666 said:

Here's my dilemma...My brother just became ordained online specifically for my wedding. My fiance, myself and my brother are all excited about that. My grandparents, however are extremely upset that I am not having "a real minister/priest/judge" marry us...They said they wouldn't even consider it a legit marriage in their eyes. Soo, to make them happy I compromised and said that I would bring in a 2nd officiant who is more "seasoned" to co-officiate with my brother. After getting several quotes, every officiant in Central NJ seems to be charging between $400-$500. There is no way I am paying that kind of money just to please my grandparents. How should I process from here? Do I just tell them "sorry, I really wanted to accommodate your wishes, but we do not have that kind of money" and hope that they understand? They usually don't question my life choices so since they have so openly expressed how upset they are about this, I know it really is a big deal to them. My brother is upset that they don't want him to officiate. He wants to be the only officiate, as we had originally planned. Not sure what to do...

If you present it that way, which is totally reasonable, and they can't get with that, it's on them. They are being unreasonable if they will not recognize your marriage any other way. The officiating of your ceremony shouldn't be changed just to please others, as they are not participating in the marriage that will result from it.

Good luck, and you can certainly come back and vent if you need to

downtondiva

As long as your brother has gone through all the correct steps so that the state will consider your marriage valid if he officiates, you're fine. If your grandparents don't like it, that's their problem. It is essential to host your guests properly at your wedding, but it is not essential to cater to the beliefs of your guests in choosing your officiant and what kind of ceremony you wish to have.

CMGragain

Mail your grandparents a copy of your completed marriage license.

Jen4948

Why do your grandparents need to approve of your officiant?  Are they financing the wedding?  If not, they don't get a say and they need to back off.

In fact, since this is their grandson (I presume) that they don't want officiating at his sister's wedding, they sound like major jerks in this respect.  If your brother is validly qualified to perform your marriage, then they don't get to decide to "not recognize your marriage" if everyone else, including the jurisdiction you are getting married in, does.  As a PP said, your marriage is not about their beliefs.

QueerFemme

I would tell them you'll miss them at the wedding. Clearly if they don't approve, they won't be attending.

zitiqueen

Are you planning to make all of your decisions for the rest of your life based on whether or not your grandparents approve of them? Your FI is okay with this?

Ven&Radio

Your grandparents aren't the ones getting married, therefore they don't get a say in what kind of ceremony /officiant you use.

AddieCake

This is not for your grandparents to decide.

BMoreBride6

Unless they are paying, they don't get to dictate.  While the online "ordainings" do not go along with what I personally believe, the good news is I didn't have to do that for my wedding (which I did based on what FI and I believe)...even better news is I do not (aka should not) worry about how other people choose to marry.  As long as he did what he needs to do based on your state's requirements and this is what you and FI feel is right you are in the clear. 

KatieinBkln

I'm absolutely on board with PPs attitudes here--G-ma and G-pa need to chill. 

However, that doesn't really help you with what to say to them. Luckily, as @Beethery said, you've already answered that for yourself--the phrasing you have above is actually perfect. It's up to you how you communicate (i.e. via text, phone call, email, letter) but the "Sorry, we tried but it's not feasible" sounds pretty good to me. Unemotional, adult, and (bonus!) the truth. 

You might add that you hope they'll be able to get past their reservations and "recognize" the wedding as the state certainly does, but that's actually just extra. The only thing you need to do is express to them that you're doing things your own way, and the wording you laid out yourself is great for that.

thisismynickname2

I would probably add, at whatever point you have to explain this, that having your brother be the officiant is far more personal and meaningful for you than having a complete stranger, just because the complete stranger is somehow more dialed-in to God. 

ohannabelle

Show them the quotes and costs of an outside officiant. If it's that important to them, they're welcome to pay for one. But somehow, I think they might do four to five hundred dollars worth of rethinking.

(Be patient with them, bless their hearts. It's a strange new world out there, and nothing is what it once was.)

[Deleted User]

Stop discussing it with your grandparents. Tell them you have a valid minister and don't need to discuss it any longer. Change the subject. I'm a minister through the "church of the dot com" and officiated my sister's wedding. Most people didn't know about it until it happened. My aunt who didn't attend the wedding, saw the photos on facebook and went, "what? adk19 officiating?" We didn't ask whether or not she approved because it didn't matter.

RebeccaB88

Them not approving of your officiant is no one's problem but theirs.

melbenso

Too bad for them.

End of story.

sophhabobopha

Get over it, grandma.

bananasplit472001

I live in central NJ and my officiant is $700.  It is because we needed an interfaith minister that specializes in catholic/Jewish weddings.  We also wanted someone who could add some comedy to our ceremony and not be super serious.  Even after going through all that trouble and shelling out that kind of cash his parents, grandparents, great aunts/uncles etc are still not happy that it's not a rabbi and a priest.  Bottom line do not try to make anyone happy but yourself because you will always have someone telling you something isn't right.  If they do not see your marriage as "legal" in their eyes then maybe you should glue your marriage license to their forehead so that they can see it better.

OnionBreath

I agree that this isn't theirs to decide. I'd ignore the concern and let your mom or your dad (who's their kid?) take care of his or her parents.

JCbride2015

bananasplit472001 said:

I live in central NJ and my officiant is $700.  It is because we needed an interfaith minister that specializes in catholic/Jewish weddings.  We also wanted someone who could add some comedy to our ceremony and not be super serious.  Even after going through all that trouble and shelling out that kind of cash his parents, grandparents, great aunts/uncles etc are still not happy that it's not a rabbi and a priest.  Bottom line do not try to make anyone happy but yourself because you will always have someone telling you something isn't right.  If they do not see your marriage as "legal" in their eyes then maybe you should glue your marriage license to their forehead so that they can see it better.

Truth.  Our marriage will not be legit in FMIL's eyes unless it's in a Catholic church.  Not happening.  The ceremony is one of the only times when we get to stamp our feet and say, it's MY DAY!

tabathafaye

My fiance's grandparents do not agree with our officiant, wedding, living together before marriage, or anything.

The didn't agree with anything when his brother got married in May. They didn't come to that wedding, and they aren't coming to ours.

It's sad, but it is their choice.

Maggie0829

I'm sorry but why are you trying to please your grandparents in this situation.  Your ceremony your decision.  If Grammy and Gramps don't like it, well they can start building a bridge to get over it.

offensivekitten2

Yeah, if you let them control you now, you lay the groundwork for major power fights when it comes to kids. Stop that merry go round now.