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Personal Attendant?

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Re: Personal Attendant?

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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Well we aren't doing the bubble thing, or birdseed so they won't be doing that or the guest book.. For my wedding she'll help me get ready, and answer questions from the dj.
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Racheldh83 said:
    Never heard of a day coordinator.. Party planner or event coordinator yup..day coordinator nope.
    Those are all pretty much different terms for the same thing.  A DOC just works for that day to coordinate vendors, carry stuff, make payments, help bustle your dress, etc.  Most of the stuff a PA would do.
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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
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    My pa def not carrying anything, making payments. Dress yes, as I said the dj questions so one vendor if they have a question. Eh... She's happy I'm happy.. I guess everyone here can hate away :)
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Racheldh83 said:
    My pa def not carrying anything, making payments. Dress yes, as I said the dj questions so one vendor if they have a question. Eh... She's happy I'm happy.. I guess everyone here can hate away :)
    What questions do you expect your DJ to have? And why don't you make the payments before the wedding?




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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
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    I said nothing about payments that one threw me too. The dj wanted a contact person for questions day of.
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    sarahbear31 said:
    Racheldh83 said:
    My pa def not carrying anything, making payments. Dress yes, as I said the dj questions so one vendor if they have a question. Eh... She's happy I'm happy.. I guess everyone here can hate away :)
    What questions do you expect your DJ to have? And why don't you make the payments before the wedding?
    I think Rachel meant her PA is not making any payments.

    But I still don't see the point of the title.  PA basically means-- almost good enough to be a BM, but not quite.

    Ever notice the only people defending the PA role are the brides who are having PAs?  Knotties who have been PAs always mention what a bad experience it was and how they felt like unpaid labor.
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    Racheldh83Racheldh83 member
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    That's what I mean jc thanks.. I see your point but all I can go off of is the genuine happy response..
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    Racheldh83 said:
    Well we aren't doing the bubble thing, or birdseed so they won't be doing that or the guest book.. For my wedding she'll help me get ready, and answer questions from the dj.
    So basically she's not good enough to be a bridesmaid.....all you want is a gopher for you that day.
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Racheldh83 said:
    That's what I mean jc thanks.. I see your point but all I can go off of is the genuine happy response..
    It appears that you aren't going to change your mind, and you know your friend better than we do.  But I caution you to be careful, because our loved ones often say they are excited for us and "yes" us to death because they are just too polite to say no.

    Please make sure you thank her profusely and get her a nice gift.  And don't take advantage on the day of, just spend some time with her and make her feel included.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    Gotcha.




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    Knottie3720666 Knottie3720666 member
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    What about calling him a "Day Of Coordinator" or "Details Coordinator"..sounds less rude than "Personal attendant"
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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
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    I've never heard of this, I suppose it's just not done in the metro Boston area, but I guess I once again don't understand the outrage expressed here. Then again, my friends are the kind of friends who postponed law school exams and flew from halfway across the country to be with me when my father died. If any one of them, say my current MOH who has said she doesn't plan to have a bridal party whenever she marries, asked me nonetheless to help do any or all of these things the answer would be a resounding and happy yes. I just don't understand a friendship where these kinds of requests illicit such anger or skepticism. We all expect to do things for our SO's that we don't always love or aren't "fun." We expect our married life to take some work and effort and maybe even sacrifice on our part, because that's what love entails, why shouldn't friendship take the same expectation? None of these tasks are demanding, difficult, or anywhere approaching slave status, frankly an insulting comparison to make.
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
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    edited July 2014
    itsrandiyo said:
    Also, I have helped with such duties at wedding as well. Not only that but as a bridesmaid at a wedding I helped for a full day set up the reception hall and church...along with other friends and family. I think it is rediculous that you guys are saying having a personal attendant is rude, and I haven't heard that untill I came to this webpage. Helping with wedding setting up, etc. is expected in i've been appart of and wouldn't want it any other way. I'm probably never posting anything again because you guys are crazy. 


    That was an incredibly rude thing for them to expect of you.
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    sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm in South Dakota too and I've never heard of personal attendants.
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    theexactleetheexactlee member
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    Okay so my girlfriend went to a wedding in Nebraska recently and she said that her cousin the bride had "personal attendants" who were not bridesmaids but helped her get into her dress and basically assisted her with things throughout the day. She thought it was actually really sweet. She also says that in Nebraska people always do the Dollar Dance and that if she doesn't do it they'll be offended so what do I know. But I did want to mention that I recently heard of this phenomena.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    iloveotters2014 said:
    theexactlee said:
    Okay so my girlfriend went to a wedding in Nebraska recently and she said that her cousin the bride had "personal attendants" who were not bridesmaids but helped her get into her dress and basically assisted her with things throughout the day. She thought it was actually really sweet. She also says that in Nebraska people always do the Dollar Dance and that if she doesn't do it they'll be offended so what do I know. But I did want to mention that I recently heard of this phenomena.
    I went to a wedding in Nebraska 2 months ago and another one the year before that. Neither had dollar dances. There are no state by state rules on customs like these. It's silly to say that all people from a certain state do something.

    This. This annoys the hell out of me. EVERYONE in the state does it? People making these claims have met and discussed this with every resident? Wow! I'm impressed! Just because something is commonly done among someone's friends/family/social circle does not mean EVERYONE in the state/region/country/province does it, and it does not mean "it's a __ thing." I wish people would stop saying that.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    I have personal attendants. 

    They are part of my contract with the venue, i.e., paid individuals. 

    Bridesmaids remind me of ladies in waiting (as in, someone with a title that is considered a companion*), personal attendants remind me of lady's maids. The latter should ALWAYS be paid.  Personal attendants are, by definition, fulfilling the role of maid/ picker upper. The idea of someone being called a "personal attendant" and not being paid makes no sense to me/ makes me cringe. 

    *ladies in waiting often veered into unofficial maid territory, just as rude brides will do to their actual bridesmaids. 
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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
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    "But performing free labor that the couple really should hire somebody to do, like monitoring vendors, shepherding the timeline along, and fetching things throughout the night? No, sorry, that's not an honor to me. It says either I didn't make the cut to be a BM, and/or that you don't want to pay for coordinator services."

    So you've never helped a friend move? I have. Multiple times. And I didn't spend my whole Saturday thinking "why didn't you just pay someone to do this? Do I look like a professional mover to you?" It wasn't fun, it's exhausting and sometimes results in a swollen ankle like the one I got a few weeks ago helping one of my BM's move a recliner up a flight of stairs. And no it wasn't "an honor" but it was an act of love and done with a happy heart. If there were a program for moving, you can put me down as car packing specialist or furniture relocation assistant, thank you very much.

    Love is service. The way a lot of the people here talk you wouldn't think that they love their friends let alone weddings at all. Oh the horror, holiday weekend weddings, the horror, there's a slideshow, the horror, I got asked to do something other than show up! Doesn't my friend know how busy and important I am? How dare she ask for my help with her stupid cheesy craft project. Doesn't she know that a good friend never ever asks for help or a favor or to do anything for her? You'll know we're such good friends by how we do nothing for each other and only pay professionals when we can't do something on our own.---That's a very sad life to me to have such a low opinion of the love involved in friendship. Friends ask friends for help when they need it. If you can't or won't do something, it's okay to say no, but don't turn up your nose at the person who asks. They've committed no offense.
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    Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    "Personal Attendant" sounds like a butler or a servant.  I hope you don't actually think of your guest this way...   To answer your question though, "personal attendant" isn't gender-specific.  If the lighthearted route is appealing to you, maybe "Right-Hand Man"?  I guess you risk FI being like "wtf I thought I was the right-hand man", so maybe that's not the best idea.  I agree with @NYCMercedes - put "Day-Of Coordinator" and pay him.
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    ashleyepashleyep member
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    Marzipan13 said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    Racheldh83 said:
    Don't agree on this one. Pa are common in iowa haven't seen a wedding without one. I asked a gf of mine and she's been more excited and has helped played more then anyone she'll call out of the blue with ideas. In my circle they are given a gift and acknowledged on the program. This is one area to be careful with because some feel its rude doesn't make it wrong. Just because you don't like it I wouldn't automatically say it's against etiquette. It's actually not if you read some wedding etiquette books.
    A personal attendant is, quite simply, an unpaid slave to you for the day.  How is that an honor?   I'd much rather attend the wedding as a guest and enjoy myself, not running around handing out bubbles and programs and overseeing the guest book.  If you want someone to do that, hire a day of coordinator.
    Okay, I'm sorry to be obtuse, but I have to ask.  Why the ever-loving fuck would you need someone to oversee a guest book?  I've heard this concept being talked about on these boards for a year now, and I still can't wrap my head around it.  I've never been to a wedding with guest book security - isn't it obvious / self-explanatory what you have to do?  Is it to make sure people don't draw dicks?  But seriously.
    I think the idea is to harass everyone entering the cocktail hour to sign it?
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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
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    flantastic said:
    Butterflyz419 said:
    "But performing free labor that the couple really should hire somebody to do, like monitoring vendors, shepherding the timeline along, and fetching things throughout the night? No, sorry, that's not an honor to me. It says either I didn't make the cut to be a BM, and/or that you don't want to pay for coordinator services." So you've never helped a friend move? I have. Multiple times. And I didn't spend my whole Saturday thinking "why didn't you just pay someone to do this? Do I look like a professional mover to you?" It wasn't fun, it's exhausting and sometimes results in a swollen ankle like the one I got a few weeks ago helping one of my BM's move a recliner up a flight of stairs. And no it wasn't "an honor" but it was an act of love and done with a happy heart. If there were a program for moving, you can put me down as car packing specialist or furniture relocation assistant, thank you very much. Love is service. The way a lot of the people here talk you wouldn't think that they love their friends let alone weddings at all. Oh the horror, holiday weekend weddings, the horror, there's a slideshow, the horror, I got asked to do something other than show up! Doesn't my friend know how busy and important I am? How dare she ask for my help with her stupid cheesy craft project. Doesn't she know that a good friend never ever asks for help or a favor or to do anything for her? You'll know we're such good friends by how we do nothing for each other and only pay professionals when we can't do something on our own.---That's a very sad life to me to have such a low opinion of the love involved in friendship. Friends ask friends for help when they need it. If you can't or won't do something, it's okay to say no, but don't turn up your nose at the person who asks. They've committed no offense.
    Ugh. Everything PPs said about the implications for how much you, the bride/groom, are not acting with love towards your friend by asking still stands. You are still implying that they don't deserve the same honor as the bridal party, but that they also don't deserve the same honor of being hosted as a guest. That's not a dynamic that's at play in your helping-a-friend-move example. It's really not that hard to pay someone to do this work and let your friend enjoy themselves like you're letting everyone else enjoy themselves.

    For me, love goes both ways, and it is my business to make sure I'm giving more acts of love and service from my friends than I'm taking from them. If these DOC tasks have to get done, it speaks more to my love (which should be my only concern) to cut down on the dress budget and pay a professional the $200 so that I can make sure that I'm not turning my friend into a slave in the name of friendship. Even though people can say no, most of those who ask will still hear you saying, "If you really loved me, you'd do this [mostly unnecessary] work for me."
    Well in my world, we would just ask the bridal party to help with any of these tasks and split the tasks up rather than putting them all on one person, after all, many hands make light work, but I know that's just crazy talk around here. But since this Personal Assistant isn't a member of the bridal party at least they don't have to wear a specific outfit, which may be a bonus after all. It's a weird concept to me but *shrug* It's obviously done in some circles so whatever. It's one day and it's nowhere near as onerous as helping a friend move. This is just a not a big deal to me. 

    To me, the "love goes both ways" thing means I wouldn't ask anyone to do for me what I wouldn't be willing to do for them. So if I ask my BMs to help me with wedding craft project xyz, I should be prepared to render a similar service for them if ever called upon. I see a lot of stinginess on this board. Unwillingness to give anything if it isn't "fun" or "easy" or if it interrupts your good time. If weddings are such a burden, just decline and whatever better things you have to do with your weekend, go and do them. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Butterflyz419 said:
    "But performing free labor that the couple really should hire somebody to do, like monitoring vendors, shepherding the timeline along, and fetching things throughout the night? No, sorry, that's not an honor to me. It says either I didn't make the cut to be a BM, and/or that you don't want to pay for coordinator services." So you've never helped a friend move? I have. Multiple times. And I didn't spend my whole Saturday thinking "why didn't you just pay someone to do this? Do I look like a professional mover to you?" It wasn't fun, it's exhausting and sometimes results in a swollen ankle like the one I got a few weeks ago helping one of my BM's move a recliner up a flight of stairs. And no it wasn't "an honor" but it was an act of love and done with a happy heart. If there were a program for moving, you can put me down as car packing specialist or furniture relocation assistant, thank you very much. Love is service. The way a lot of the people here talk you wouldn't think that they love their friends let alone weddings at all. Oh the horror, holiday weekend weddings, the horror, there's a slideshow, the horror, I got asked to do something other than show up! Doesn't my friend know how busy and important I am? How dare she ask for my help with her stupid cheesy craft project. Doesn't she know that a good friend never ever asks for help or a favor or to do anything for her? You'll know we're such good friends by how we do nothing for each other and only pay professionals when we can't do something on our own.---That's a very sad life to me to have such a low opinion of the love involved in friendship. Friends ask friends for help when they need it. If you can't or won't do something, it's okay to say no, but don't turn up your nose at the person who asks. They've committed no offense.
    Last year I went to a wedding that had a "house party" - same concept. Women that weren't good enough to stand up in the wedding party so the B&G asked them to do what a DOC would do - direct people, keep things on schedule, answer vendor questions, set up/pack up decorations/programs/guest book, etc. 

    The point is that this role isn't an "honor". It's work. A "personal attendant" or "house party" are just people who didn't make the cut to be a BM/GM so they are assigned crappy jobs in an effort to make them feel involved. The types of jobs outlined above are things a B&G should pay people to do. It's by far more of an honor to be treated like a guest and not an unpaid vendor.
    *********************************************************************************

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    iloveotters2014iloveotters2014 member
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    My DOC coordinated our rehearsal, the ceremony, made sure everything started on time, made sure all the vendors were in their proper places at their proper times, made sure guests made it to the cocktail hour area, coordinated the ceremony to reception flip, made sure the reception started on time and made sure the reception flow went correctly (helped us make it through our table visits, handled the cake cutting with the rest of the staff....etc etc etc

    I can't imagine how you could put any of those tasks on a family member or friend. You deserve to enjoy your wedding day and your friends/family deserve to enjoy your wedding day.

    My DOC came with my venue (although I tipped her quite a bit) but my SIL found her DOC on craigslist and he only charged like 150. It's not impossible to do that on a budget and makes your overall experience SO MUCH BETTER.
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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
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    Well in my world, we would just ask the bridal party to help with any of these tasks and split the tasks up rather than putting them all on one person, after all, many hands make light work, but I know that's just crazy talk around here. But since this Personal Assistant isn't a member of the bridal party at least they don't have to wear a specific outfit, which may be a bonus after all. It's a weird concept to me but *shrug* It's obviously done in some circles so whatever. It's one day and it's nowhere near as onerous as helping a friend move. This is just a not a big deal to me. 

    To me, the "love goes both ways" thing means I wouldn't ask anyone to do for me what I wouldn't be willing to do for them. So if I ask my BMs to help me with wedding craft project xyz, I should be prepared to render a similar service for them if ever called upon. I see a lot of stinginess on this board. Unwillingness to give anything if it isn't "fun" or "easy" or if it interrupts your good time. If weddings are such a burden, just decline and whatever better things you have to do with your weekend, go and do them. 
    The bolded is great, but that "reverse" frequently remains a hypothetical. In reality, your friends are helping you with crafts, but it's cool because you've at least thought about helping them with crafts!

    We're not saying that we wouldn't say yes if our friends asked for help from us. We're just trying to get people to shift their mindset from one of entitlement. Sure, your friends can offer help to you and they likely will when you truly need it. (Most DOC tasks or craft projects aren't really a true need.) It also takes a lot of humility to ask for help when, say, you can't pay your bills or you have some other true need. But expecting their help with minor tasks in the name of friendship is shitty. Do people do it because they love you? Yes. Still shitty. Don't be the shitty friend. You shouldn't want to be the shitty friend. 

    Be the love you would hope to receive from others. The attitude you're promoting is based on what your friends could be doing to love you better, not on what you could be doing to love them better. Worry about your own self first. 

    I'm sorry I'm not seeing anything "shitty" in spending an evening at a good friend's house, enjoying a glass of sangria, some good conversation, while doing a craft project. That sounds like good fun to me. That doesn't even count as sacrifice. Maybe you all lead far more exciting lives than I do where that sounds boring/like torture I don't know. And asking for a friend to help with your wedding craft project is no more "entitled" than asking them to help you move. It's a request, that's all.

    All I do I know is that when I was a BM I told my friend that I wanted to hear about all the details and would help with anything because weddings are wonderful. She ended up not doing much DIY so there wasn't much for the bridal party to do other than spend Labor Day Weekend on Cape Cod, which was great. One of my BM's is getting married 13 days after me. I am also a BM for her. We've already had multiple bride dates where we get lunch and talk about planning and because I've been planning my wedding in my head for years and have spent a lot more time reading about wedding stuff than she has and am further along in the planning process than she, she asks a lot of questions about how did I go about doing different aspects and I give advice. As we get closer, since we're both DIYing a lot of our weddings, there will be craft days no doubt. 

    Many of my other BMs have already said, after asking about how the wedding planning is going, that planning sounds miserable and they're just going to have me plan their weddings for them since I seem to know what I'm doing. Sounds good to me. You see I love weddings--talking about them, planning them, doing projects for them, attending them, helping out with them--it all sounds good to me. Weddings are pure joy. My BM who's getting married after me and I often say sometimes we think we're more excited to talk about the other one's wedding because that doesn't entail the stress of actually making the decisions or paying for things, so yeah, if my good friends want me to help with any part of their wedding planning/execution, bring it on. This is the kind of attitude I'd expect on a wedding forum, not the constant barrage of negativity that I've found here over the last few months.
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    And I don't know why being a BM is such an honor in comparison, they're helping with just as much if not more with the wedding. 
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    itsrandiyoitsrandiyo member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I don't think I'm taking my wedding nearly as serious as most of you do. It's certainly an important day to me, but its not the event of the year and I don't expect people to think that. But if you do, good for you and there is nothing wrong with that. But my friends are my friends, we hang out, we talk about their relationships, their problems, work, etc. I do not go on relentlacy about my wedding and assuming that is the case when you ask your friends to help you with certain tasks on your wedding day is a little much. 
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