Out of Control Sister/MOH

novella1186

I may have been too quick to make my sister my MOH, but she's my only sibling and we've gotten close over the past several years (we didn't get along as kids). The further we get into wedding stuff, the more out of control she gets. She started by talking me out of buying the dress  I fell in love with; she convinced me that it looked "cheap and tacky" (even though it was over $1,200, and my mother also loved it). She then tried to get me to buy the dress that she liked, which was way over my budget and I was actually allergic to the fabric. I broke out in giant neon-red blotches before I could even get the dress off. She tried to take my mother to buy the "mother of the bride" dress without me, and when I asked to be included, she snapped at me. She continued to be extremely demanding about every decision, insisting all my ideas were "dumb" and I had to go with all of her ideas and decisions. She was quickly becoming the bridezilla of MY wedding! If  I tried to stand up for myself and say I wanted to go with my own ideas, she would completely fly off the handle and get nasty. At first I tried brushing it off as her just being the typical big sister, thinking she's always right. My parents thought she was dealing with some jealousy issues because she's 2 years older and not married yet. 

     Anyway, the whole thing really took a turn for the worse at our engagement party. Everything was going great, and then out of nowhere she started screaming at me, calling me a bunch of horrible names, and accusing me of being a terrible person. I kept asking her what I had done wrong and why she was so upset, because this was totally out of left field and I had no idea what was going on. She never explained herself, just kept screaming insults. She's always been a very dramatic person and has always needed to be the center of attention, so my FI actually expected her to do something like this, but  I was still shocked and found it to be extremely hurtful. My parents pulled her aside and told her she was way out of line, but she never apologized. Weeks later, she still has not said a word to me, which leads me to believe she thinks she was right for doing that and spoiling the party for my FI and me. 

     The wedding is 10 months away so I'm sure this whole mess will blow over by then, but at this point I'm absolutely terrified that she will repeat something like that at our wedding!  I do not want to be left sitting there crying and humiliated at my own wedding the way I was at my engagement party. My aunt (jokingly) suggested that I hire a bouncer to keep an eye on my sister and if she starts acting up, just have her removed. And I definitely think it may be a bad idea to let her make a speech. I seriously don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Has anyone else dealt with a sibling like this? I am absolutely shocked that she's behaving this way. What should I do if she starts getting dramatic and nasty at the wedding? 

Maggie0829

Like flantastic said, stop talking to her about your wedding and either hire security or let your venue coordinator know of the issue and have the staff keep an eye on things. Don't let your sister have "power" over you. You said she talked you out of a dress. Why did you let her do that? Why did you let her push you out of when your Mom bought her dress? Why do you continue to let her do things to you? You need to stand up to her if and when she ever does anything pushy or bitchy again.

bethsmiles

First, I would stop talking about the wedding with her. If she asks about it just give her vague answers. She can't give you negative opinions on your plans if she doesn't know what it is. 

Second, I would probably schedule a lunch or something with her to talk about the freak out at the engagement party. Not to accuse her of anything but to listen and understand why it is she's upset. Maybe if she feels she's been heard out then she won't feel the need to make such a public display.

Also, you can absolutely keep her role as a MOH completely minimal. Just have her show up the day of the wedding in the right dress to stand next to you. She doesn't have to get ready with you or make a toast (just tell her you aren't doing speeches). In fact if you don't do a head table she doesn't even have to sit with you. And a family member can always escort her out of the reception if she makes a scene. 

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

I may have been too quick to make my sister my MOH, but she's my only sibling and we've gotten close over the past several years (we didn't get along as kids). The further we get into wedding stuff, the more out of control she gets. How long have you both been sisters?  Surely these behaviors are not new and ones she has been exhibiting your entire lives?  She started by talking me out of buying the dress  I fell in love with; she convinced me that it looked "cheap and tacky" (even though it was over $1,200, and my mother also loved it). Why did you give her opinion that much control over your own opinion?  Has she always controlled and bullied you into things?  If so, you need to learn how to stand up for yourself and asserting yourself, and in the meantime consider not sharing so much information with your sister and not involving her in too many wedding planning details where her input is not needed to begin with.  She then tried to get me to buy the dress that she liked, which was way over my budget and I was actually allergic to the fabric. I broke out in giant neon-red blotches before I could even get the dress off. She tried to take my mother to buy the "mother of the bride" dress without me, and when I asked to be included, she snapped at me. It sounds to me as if your Mom has trouble telling her daughter no, and allows her daughter to bully her as well as you.  You both need to start telling your sister No.  She continued to be extremely demanding about every decision, insisting all my ideas were "dumb" and I had to go with all of her ideas and decisions. She was quickly becoming the bridezilla of MY wedding! If  I tried to stand up for myself and say I wanted to go with my own ideas, she would completely fly off the handle and get nasty. At first I tried brushing it off as her just being the typical big sister, thinking she's always right. My parents thought she was dealing with some jealousy issues because she's 2 years older and not married yet.   Again, you need to stop involving her in your wedding planning.

     Anyway, the whole thing really took a turn for the worse at our engagement party. Everything was going great, and then out of nowhere she started screaming at me, calling me a bunch of horrible names, and accusing me of being a terrible person. I kept asking her what I had done wrong and why she was so upset, because this was totally out of left field and I had no idea what was going on. She never explained herself, just kept screaming insults. She's always been a very dramatic person and has always needed to be the center of attention, so my FI actually expected her to do something like this, but  I was still shocked and found it to be extremely hurtful. My parents pulled her aside and told her she was way out of line, but she never apologized. Weeks later, she still has not said a word to me, which leads me to believe she thinks she was right for doing that and spoiling the party for my FI and me.   Of course she thinks she is right and she won't apologize- it sounds like your sister has been getting away with her selfish, self centered, melodramatic, bullying behavior for years. . . probably your entire childhood.  She's not going to magically change just because you are getting married.  The only thing you can do is try to change your reactions to her behavior, and limit the amount of involvement and input she has on your wedding.  I'd limit it to, "Sis, this is the dress or color of dress I'd like you to wear, and I need you to show up at X time for the ceremony on Y date."

     The wedding is 10 months away so I'm sure this whole mess will blow over by then, but at this point I'm absolutely terrified that she will repeat something like that at our wedding!  If she's a truly attention seeking person who has been acting this way her entire life, then yes, she will likely act out again at another pre-weding event, and the wedding.  I do not want to be left sitting there crying and humiliated at my own wedding the way I was at my engagement party.   Then don't.  If your sister starts throwing a tantrum and screaming at you, calling you names, etc. then walk away.  Do not engage her, because that's what she wants.  If she follows you, go somewhere else and continue to ignore her.  If she starts to get really out of hand, have security or your DOC escort her out.  I'd suggest having a family member escort her out, but I think your family's handling of her behavior is part of the problem.  My aunt (jokingly) suggested that I hire a bouncer to keep an eye on my sister and if she starts acting up, just have her removed. And I definitely think it may be a bad idea to let her make a speech. I seriously don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Has anyone else dealt with a sibling like this? I am absolutely shocked that she's behaving this way.   Are you really shocked, though?  Is this totally new behavior?  What should I do if she starts getting dramatic and nasty at the wedding?  See previous response.

novella1186

You totally hit the nail on the head. It's kind of weird how accurate some of your comments are (how my parents have always let her get away with that behavior, etc)

JellyBean52513

I agree with everything PPs have said, and offer my condolences that you're dealing with this nonsense from a grown woman.

If she tries to give you ideas, simply say "Ok, that's another idea, I'll think about it, thanks." If she asks you questions, tell her that "it's going to be a surprise!" If she makes nasty comments like "Well it will probably be stupid since you don't know what you're doing" just say "Well, I guess we'll see, then!" and walk away. 

As far as any outbursts, you can't control how she will act. You can't change how she is now. I definitely agree with the idea of sitting down and just addressing the e-party outburst with her. As for future events, including the wedding, all you can do at this point is accept the worst case scenario that she is who is she is and she may act up. Have either venue security or your DOC be prepared to tell her to leave. Don't put that responsibility on your mom or another family member, because they most likely won't really find it in themselves to escort her out of your wedding, and unruly guests should not be their job to control on your wedding day

lc07

I think your sister needs a psych evaluation. Seriously.

steph861

lc07 said:

I think your sister needs a psych evaluation. Seriously.

I'd been going back and forth on whether to suggest this, but I agree.

KickAssMOH

This is my sister to a T...a crazy ass bitch who I love, and who has always been this way. Here is what I did to handle the situation (not saying it's the right way but it worked for me):

1. made her feel involved, appreciated, and that her opinion was important to me, even when it was hard to be the bigger person. she selected her own MOH dress and helped choose for the other BMs (my 3 willing best friends who understood the situation completely, bless their hearts).

2. she had money troubles...kindof...so i paid for her dress, alterations, hair, makeup, hotel, etc.

3. invited her to make a speech if she wanted, and told her she could pass on it if she didn't want to

4. prayed alot and crossed my fingers?

The night before my wedding she was in one of her moods, and what was going to be a lovely night of her and i watching movies and having girl talk was ruined by a temper tantrum that she threw over facewash - we had both forgotten to bring any and she needed it that second or else. A 27-year-old throwing a tantrum is a hard thing to deal with on the night before your wedding (i'm talking tears, screaming, throwing things around the hotel room), so i left so that she could cool down and when i came back she was asleep. We had no other issues. All was well, and she gave a beautiful speech, an extremely thoughtful card, and was well-behaved for the entire wedding day. 

Personally i think a bouncer is a bit extreme. at that point, the scene would've already been made, and your sister is not violent, is she?

perdonami

I have by no means the necessary qualifications to make this statement, nor do I know anything about your sister besides the mere blurb you shared. But, your sister sounds like she may be suffering from borderline personality disorder. 

The insane ranting and screaming out of nowhere when all the attention seems to be on you and not her? 

Does she do any self-harm? Promiscuity? Poor self-image? Is she quick to extreme mood changes? Like super happy one minute and than all out crazy bitch mode the very next minute for what seems to be for no reason? Does she have a hard time maintaining relationships? Is there a history of depression? Maybe there is some substance abuse too?

Not sure, but if she fits some of these symptoms she may need to see a doctor for a referral to a psych specialist. This disorder can be very debilitating and she needs to get some help. 

PrettyGirlLost

steph11814 said:

lc07 said:

I think your sister needs a psych evaluation. Seriously.

I'd been going back and forth on whether to suggest this, but I agree.

I doubt she's crazy. To me she sounds like an attention seeking spoiled brat whose family has enabled her behavior her entire life.

She just needs an attitude adjustment and her family needs to learn how to say no to her and ignore her.

bethsmiles

PrettyGirlLost said:

lc07 said:

I think your sister needs a psych evaluation. Seriously.

I'd been going back and forth on whether to suggest this, but I agree.

I doubt she's crazy. To me she sounds like an attention seeking spoiled brat whose family has enabled her behavior her entire life. She just needs an attitude adjustment and her family needs to learn how to say no to her and ignore her.

I also think suggesting a pysch evaluation is a bit much. Unless there's more back story to this that I missed, her sister just sounds like a brat.

lc07

     Anyway, the whole thing really took a turn for the worse at our engagement party. Everything was going great, and then out of nowhere she started screaming at me, calling me a bunch of horrible names, and accusing me of being a terrible person. I kept asking her what I had done wrong and why she was so upset, because this was totally out of left field and I had no idea what was going on. She never explained herself, just kept screaming insults. 

**************Stuck in the Box****************

Unless OP is not telling the whole story, this is not normal behavior. This is what makes me think she may have a psychological problem.

PrettyGirlLost

lc07 said:

     Anyway, the whole thing really took a turn for the worse at our engagement party. Everything was going great, and then out of nowhere she started screaming at me, calling me a bunch of horrible names, and accusing me of being a terrible person. I kept asking her what I had done wrong and why she was so upset, because this was totally out of left field and I had no idea what was going on. She never explained herself, just kept screaming insults. 

**************Stuck in the Box****************

Unless OP is not telling the whole story, this is not normal behavior. This is what makes me think she may have a psychological problem.

This is absolutely normal behavior for a spoiled child raised by enabling parents who grew into a spoiled adult. 

Just because someone acts like a fucking asshole doesn't mean they have Borderline Personality Disorder!

lc07

I don't know anything about borderline personality disorder. I just think it sounds like she is imbalanced mentally in some way. Even if it just means she was raised as a spoiled brat, she could probably benefit from psychological help like counseling. Anger management? Something.

emmaaa

Like the other PPs have mentioned, stop talking with her about your wedding. This is one of those moments where you can say, "This is our wedding and this is what we want..." There is no reason she should have any say in most aspects in your wedding unless you explicitly ask for her opinion (and in this case, I doubt you want to do that).

It doesn't seem like this is new behavior on her part so part of me wonders if you should have expected this. I think she is jealous and ants to be the center of attention and she is used to getting her way. Don't let her have it. You are an adult and she is an adult and it is time thta she starts to act like one. Demand that she treat you with dignity and respect like the adult you are.

Now, you can't kick her out of you WP as MOH unless you are willing to end the relationship. Just limit the wedding talk when you are with her. 

novella1186

Thanks for the input, everyone. It was really good to get other perspectives on this. 

hellosweetie1015

I actually agree with the PPs who have suggested that perhaps a psych eval would not be out of line - it may or may not reveal any major disorders, and I'm not going to agree or disagree as to whether she is exhibiting symptoms/signs of BPD or anything else (Narcissistic Personality Disorder may have crossed my mind as well but again not going to agree or disagree, even with my own thoughts, haha) - but it would not hurt her, and it would perhaps allow her to work through whatever issue she does have (because I think, from what you've shared, she does in fact have SOME issue - be it jealousy, attention-seeking behavior, anger management, whatever). However, this is not something you can easily enact, so it is mostly moot, especially if your parents have been enabling her for a long time. 

Don't talk to her about the wedding. At all. I think TKers call it "bean-dipping" when you change the subject? Bean-dip her if she even starts about it. Don't let her get started. There is probably some jealousy there - she's older, and she's not married yet, and it seems from your post that it doesn't seem likely in the near future. Particularly the bit about her trying to talk you into a dress SHE loved and OUT of the dress you loved; that SCREAMS jealousy to me. I know this will be hard - I want to talk about mine all day every day, even though I'm over a year out still and have no solid plans whatsoever - but it will be in your best interest, and will hopefully allow her time to work through whatever she's got going on about it if it's something she is able to work through on her own. If at some point she ever apologizes for the way she's acted so far, this could be bent - but do not ever bend so far as to let her make your decisions for you, or tell you the decisions you have already made are crap. This sort of thing is meant to hurt you, and give her power over you in the process. If she does that again, then tell yourself she can go suck a toe, and come talk to us about your wedding. We like talking about weddings, or we would be wasting our time elsewhere.

As for the e-party hot mess, I would probably let it go*, since there's literally nothing to be done about that. She's likely not going to apologize. And you don't have a time machine, and neither does she, and it sounds likely that even if either of you did, it wouldn't change the outcome. It might change the way you reacted to it, but it wouldn't change the fact that it happened. (*By let it go, I mean that you should keep in mind that it happened, and be aware that it likely WILL happen again, but I wouldn't revisit it because it will just be another shrieking match that you won't win.)

At any other wedding-related events to which she will be invited, is there someone you could ask to monitor her? It would have to be someone who is familiar with any signs that she might go off the handle, if there are any (if not, then that matters less). I don't know if that would be an option, but certainly it would be one I would entertain. 

As for the wedding itself, definitely DEFINITELY DeFiNiTeLy have someone monitoring her - DOC, bouncers/security, your mom (but only if she won't enable her), your friendly neighborhood Spiderman, anyone who will be able to calm and/or remove her. And if something happens when that person has stepped to the powder room or is otherwise engaged, have an escape route planned. Step to the bar, the powder room, a broom closet. If she follows, ignore her. She is likely looking to garner attention, and ignoring her will put her out. Also - I might consider attempting to spread the word via very cautious word of mouth that everyone other than the DOC/security/Spiderman is asked to please ignore MOH/Sister if she tries to start something up with or around them. If nothing else, this is definitely attention-seeking behavior and will hopefully die down if no attention is garnered through her outbursts.

I am so so sorry that you are having such awful problems. Hopefully in the next ten months things will blow over, but I do think you should be prepared in case they do not. 

Also, I am sorry for the wall of text. 

Fairyjen1

Now, you can't kick her out of you WP as MOH unless you are willing to end the relationship. Just limit the wedding talk when you are with her. 

  Maybe it's just and I'm and asshole, but I would so kick someone out of my wedding party for acting that way, sister or no! Her behavior is a friendship ending move.

   Granted, I say this as a person with a great relationship with her sister. We are also paying for our own wedding so I wouldn't be guilted into having to keep her , or even invite her, either if she behaved that way. I understand that it can be tricky when family is involved.

   I don't think most of us would accept someone screaming, insulting and humiliating us in other circumstances. Why should we put up with it just because we asked them to be our MOH? Now if this was out of the blue and the person had always acted loving and reasonable before this I'd be more concerned about getting them some help than kicking them out of my wedding party. But this doesn't sound like the case. 

   I don't mean to insult anyone who feels differently. We can agree to disagree. More power to you if you are willing to put up with such behavior.

emmaaa

Fairyjen1 said:

Now, you can't kick her out of you WP as MOH unless you are willing to end the relationship. Just limit the wedding talk when you are with her. 

  Maybe it's just and I'm and asshole, but I would so kick someone out of my wedding party for acting that way, sister or no! Her behavior is a friendship ending move.

   Granted, I say this as a person with a great relationship with her sister. We are also paying for our own wedding so I wouldn't be guilted into having to keep her , or even invite her, either if she behaved that way. I understand that it can be tricky when family is involved.

   I don't think most of us would accept someone screaming, insulting and humiliating us in other circumstances. Why should we put up with it just because we asked them to be our MOH? Now if this was out of the blue and the person had always acted loving and reasonable before this I'd be more concerned about getting them some help than kicking them out of my wedding party. But this doesn't sound like the case. 

   I don't mean to insult anyone who feels differently. We can agree to disagree. More power to you if you are willing to put up with such behavior.

I think my thing is, in this situation, she knew her sister's behavior and still made the decision to have her as MOH. It's one of those times where I say, "tough luck." Personally, "I wouldn't want a wedding to permanently end a relationship with my sister or friends (I don't have a sister) if I could help it. However, if the behavior becomes abusive I could understand severing the connection. 

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

I'm sorry that she's acting this way.

First, stop including her in wedding talk and decisions. She can't comment negatively if she hasn't seen or heard about it.

With respect to the wedding, you've got to stick with her as MOH unless you want to torpedo the rest of your relationship, but I don't think it'd be out of line to hire security and you don't have to let her give a toast (no toasts are ever needed). That said, it's still 10 months away and a lot could change. These are not decisions you need to make now.

This.

And when it comes to that time, just cut out the  WP speeches and don't bring them up. Also be sure the DJ knows not to hand anyone the mic that isn't set to give a speech, and give him a list of who will be saying what and when. Anyone not on that list does not get the mic (this also saves you from drunk family members deciding they have something to say, sweet or mean).

If she decides to throw a tantrum after that, it will only embarrass her, not you. If she does it, don't contribute to the argument, don't give her any emotional energy, and I would bet good money that someone will quickly haul her away (I didn't even know about some drama that happened at my wedding because other family members were quick to corner those people in a bathroom and give them the business).

And don't worry about it. Go plan the wedding you want without her input, enjoy yourself, get closer to your FI, and remember that nothing she can do will keep you from becoming husband and wife. She wants to be miserable? Fine, no skin off your back. She chooses to make herself that way, and you don't have to engage her or feel responsible because you dared to be happy.

[Deleted User]

Oh, and the armchair psychology in this thread is really eye-rolling.

PrettyGirlLost

pinkrevenge said:

flantastic said:

I'm sorry that she's acting this way.

First, stop including her in wedding talk and decisions. She can't comment negatively if she hasn't seen or heard about it.

With respect to the wedding, you've got to stick with her as MOH unless you want to torpedo the rest of your relationship, but I don't think it'd be out of line to hire security and you don't have to let her give a toast (no toasts are ever needed). That said, it's still 10 months away and a lot could change. These are not decisions you need to make now.

This.

And when it comes to that time, just cut out the  WP speeches and don't bring them up. Also be sure the DJ knows not to hand anyone the mic that isn't set to give a speech, and give him a list of who will be saying what and when. Anyone not on that list does not get the mic (this also saves you from drunk family members deciding they have something to say, sweet or mean).

If she decides to throw a tantrum after that, it will only embarrass her, not you. If she does it, don't contribute to the argument, don't give her any emotional energy, and I would bet good money that someone will quickly haul her away (I didn't even know about some drama that happened at my wedding because other family members were quick to corner those people in a bathroom and give them the business).

And don't worry about it. Go plan the wedding you want without her input, enjoy yourself, get closer to your FI, and remember that nothing she can do will keep you from becoming husband and wife. She wants to be miserable? Fine, no skin off your back. She chooses to make herself that way, and you don't have to engage her or feel responsible because you dared to be happy.

Just a point of clarification for lurkers and such, but these are actually toasts.  There should be speeches at your wedding receptions. . . only brief toasts, and only if people offer to give the toasts- they shouldb't be asked to.