Engagement announcement for a "Just Us" wedding?

frap33

Hello! I'm hoping that you can help me with an etiquette question. Any thoughts you have would be incredibly welcome.  

My boyfriend hasn't yet proposed, but I have the feeling that it's going to happen within the next few months. His family all lives in Europe and my family lives in the US. Due to health and money issues, it is almost certain that if we had a wedding either in Europe or the US either his parents (and part of his family) or my mother (and part of my family) would not be able to attend. 

Therefore, we're leaning towards getting married while on vacation, with the white dress, photographer, and ceremony - a real wedding, but it would just be the two of us. Then we'd have a small BBQ or party for our families and close friends - one in the US and one in Europe. 

And here's the big question...When my boyfriend proposes, I'm going to be excited and want to tell all of my friends and family about our engagement. However, I feel like it would be a bit rude to let them know that we're engaged and that nobody's going to be invited to the actual wedding. 

I thought it might be ok if we let people know that we're going to have a small ceremony with just the two of us and then at some later date we'd host two very casual celebrations, but I don't know how well that's going to be received. 

So, what do I do? The best thing to do might be to keep it a secret for a year and let people know after we're married, but I think that might be just too difficult. 

Any thoughts?

bethsmiles

You are getting pretty far ahead of yourself without even being engaged. You'd be surprised at the people who are willing to travel for a wedding. My mom and dad flew to England for my uncle's wedding right after having a baby. Don't make plans based on assumptions.

Personally, I think you should wait until you are engaged and have actually talked to people to make this decision. Honestly, an elopement and two parties seems a little over the top. 

Also, you don't mention what your BF thinks. It will be his wedding too and his opinion counts. He may not want to elope.

kaos16

I think it's fine to tell family and friends that you are engaged. It's an exciting time. If people then ask about a wedding, it is fine to let them know that the two of you plan to have a private destination ceremony. With respect to the parties after the fact, that is something you can mention when you decide when and where to host them. At that point, sending an invitation to the guests you wish to invite will let them know about it. I don't know the etiquette of wedding announcements, but I imagine you can send them after you are married if you'd like.

southernbelle0915

frap33 said:

Hello! I'm hoping that you can help me with an etiquette question. Any thoughts you have would be incredibly welcome.  

My boyfriend hasn't yet proposed, but I have the feeling that it's going to happen within the next few months. His family all lives in Europe and my family lives in the US. Due to health and money issues, it is almost certain that if we had a wedding either in Europe or the US either his parents (and part of his family) or my mother (and part of my family) would not be able to attend. 

Therefore, we're leaning towards getting married while on vacation, with the white dress, photographer, and ceremony - a real wedding, but it would just be the two of us. Then we'd have a small BBQ or party for our families and close friends - one in the US and one in Europe. 

And here's the big question...When my boyfriend proposes, I'm going to be excited and want to tell all of my friends and family about our engagement. However, I feel like it would be a bit rude to let them know that we're engaged and that nobody's going to be invited to the actual wedding. 

I thought it might be ok if we let people know that we're going to have a small ceremony with just the two of us and then at some later date we'd host two very casual celebrations, but I don't know how well that's going to be received. 

So, what do I do? The best thing to do might be to keep it a secret for a year and let people know after we're married, but I think that might be just too difficult. 

Any thoughts?

Personally, I think the best engagement announcements are a phone call. Second best is a "personal" email (sometimes it's obvious they use the same content and change the name but whatevs). Third best is a mailed announcement. Just personal preference.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse since you're not engaged yet, but I would not keep your wedding or engagement a secret. Why? It's a very exciting time in your life. Share the good news. 

If you do elope as it sounds like you may do, a BBQ or party with friends/family is fine. Just steer clear of a ceremony re-do. It'd be theatrics at that point and unnecessary. A party is enough to celebrate your recent wedding.

Maggie0829

It is not rude to let people know that you are engaged even if you plan on eloping.  No one is guaranteed an invite no matter what.  If you and your BF would like to elope when you do finally get engaged then that is your choice and you do not have to explain that to anyone.  Will some people be upset by that choice?  Sure, but they will have to get over it.

After you are married you can send out marriage announcements to all your friends and family.  Then once you plan your celebratory party you send out invites to all who are invited.  If you send out engagement announcements (which I don't think are even a real thing) then you start to get into the murky waters of people thinking that they are then going to be invited to your wedding.

When you send out marriage announcements have them all ready to go (addressed, stamped, etc) to be put in the mail as soon as you get back from your vacation.

OliveOilsMom

Tell your family & friends of the engagement.  Discuss with your FI (once engaged) about the type of wedding you both want to have.  If he agrees on the elopement.  Plan it and have fun!  A small party with family & friends in the US & Europe is ok, just keep it low key and not a big wedding redo.

If you think people will have problems with you two marrying alone, don't tell anyone until after. 

[Deleted User]

Announce your engagement just like you would if you wanted a big wedding.  Don't keep that kind of thing a secret!  If people ask about the wedding, just tell them you're planning to enjoy being engaged for a while before starting to plan a wedding.  Then, once you've discussed your wedding options with your Fiance and your families, then when people ask you can tell them that you're planning a small wedding or even considering eloping.  Since the definition of eloping is keeping it a secret, you don't need to give them any additional details.

lc07

If I were you, when I got engaged I would tell people via phone call. I'd have the wedding that I want to have.

Isn't having a marriage celebration with people not invited to the wedding kind of AWing? Isn't it also throwing a party in your own honor? I'd just plan to travel to visit both families and leave wedding stuff out of it if you want to see them.

princessleia22

I would just tell everyone that you are engaged when it happens and celebrate that event, but don't get into actual wedding details right away.  Just tell everyone you are still tossing around ideas, which is really true until you actually start making hard plans and have date/venue set and contracts signed. We didn't really start seriously nailing down wedding plans for almost 6 months after we got engaged.  When people asked, we just said that we were just enjoying being engaged and still discussing and considering our options.

We also had issues with family spread out and people needing to travel. We knew we wanted a small, intimate wedding and discussed that with our parents and siblings. We also knew we wanted them there, so we discussed options with them to decide what was feasible and what would work to allow them to attend. And what we ended up doing for wedding was actually very different than we had thought about before we got engaged. When we started actually making plans, looking at budgets, and looking into the logistics, that changed the plans. We started out thinking about a Las Vegas wedding, but ended up getting married on a cruise ship with just our closest family there.  It was an option that worked for everyone and they all enjoyed the vacation.

Many parents would do whatever it takes to attend their kids wedding. So, I wouldn't write off them attending unless you have actually talked to them directly about it. If you want a private wedding without family because that is your preference, that is fine and there is nothing wrong with that,  but don't assume that nobody will be able to come or plan a private ceremony based on just assumptions.  After you announce the engagement and enjoy that excitement, then you have a separate conversation with your parents/families to let them know your private wedding plans. It doesn't need to be same conversation as engagement announcement. And be prepared for family being hurt if they aren't even invited to the wedding.  We even had extended family that was upset that we didn't invite them to ours.  But, if you really want it private, that's fine to stick to that.  Or you can set your wedding plan, invite just immediate family, and leave the option to them to attend.  If they can come, that's great.  If not, that's fine too.

Another option would be to announce your engagement, then just go off and have the private wedding you want and just tell everyone afterward. If you aren't inviting anyone anyway, there's no need to announce an elopement to everyone in advance. That may also save you a lot of trouble from people trying to change your wedding plans or getting upset by it. 

bananasplit472001

A phone call is best to let people know that you are engaged.  People will spread it by word of mouth to more distant relatives.  I would send out marriage announcements after your married as opposed to engagement announments since no one will be invited to the actually wedding.  Then you can send invitations to your BBQ event at a separate time.  No one really needs to know that in advance unless you want to tell them.

theartistformerlyknownas

You're over-thinking this. Everyone tells lots of people that they're engaged without inviting them to the wedding. If we had to invite everyone we told, I'd have to add my dental hygienist, manicurist and grocery store cashier to my guest list! Take things one step at a time. 

Step 1, get engaged before you worry about the rest of this. 

Step 2, tell all the people you love, because it's an important step in your lives. 

Step 3, figure out TOGETHER WITH YOUR FI what the best plan is for your wedding. Don't make assumptions on behalf of either set of parents.

frap33

Wow! Thanks, everyone, for your responses! 

So, that settles that. :-)
We'll tell people (by phone) and just enjoy the engagement. Then, later, if people ask, we'll let them know that we're planning something very small, possibly an elopement, and take it from there. 

Thanks again, ladies. All of your insights have been extremely helpful! 

Now I just have to wait for the big question ;-)

PS. Just to answer a couple of questions you guy had...
We've chatted about it and my boyfriend is excited about just the two of us being at the ceremony. We had thought about trying to figure out the logistics of getting everyone together for a wedding, but ended up deciding that it would just be too difficult. His parents have mentioned that they aren't prepared to travel, my dad's health is questionable and my mom's doctor won't let her fly because of a health condition. It's kind of a  bummer, but we're super excited to go somewhere cool to tie the knot and then celebrate with our parents later!    . 

frap33

Thanks, Lolo883, you really made me laugh! And Maggie0829 - Cutest. Puppy. Ever.

JellyBean52513

Just so you don't feel alone, OP, my SO and I are not engaged but we have talked about the location, style, even made up a rough draft guest list of absolute VIP must-invites just to get an idea of what kinda budget we'd be looking at for a wedding. Just this past weekend, we were out shopping while on vacation to celebrate our dating anniversary and ended up picking out my ring. Now it's just on him to get it and propose (which is what he wants to do, because he likes the tradition of the whole down-on-one-knee-surprise-proposal thing). 

So, I understand having that *feeling* of the engagement being imminent and wanting answers to all the questions and concerns you have rolling around your head now. Just make sure that whatever you do, enjoy the moment with your FI first and make sure you're both on the same page about everything. Ask us all the questions you'd like, but make sure to ask him & take his answers the most seriously

morphemes

Don't worry about it yet. When you're engaged have an honest conversation with your SO about what you would both like for your wedding. It sounds like you're worrying about a lot of different hypotheticals, just let it go for now. Enjoy your current relationship with your BF, take up a hobby, don't worry about figuring out a wedding when you're not yet engaged. 

If you and your SO decide that you want to elope, you can always do that and send marriage announcements later. There's no need to tell people about your elopement before it happens (unless you want to). As soon as you announce your engagement, people will start asking about the wedding (date, location, etc). Politely tell people you don't have any set plans yet. 

AddieCake

Get engaged before you worry about any of this. Go have a margarita. A waterslide is also fun.

frap33

Thanks, Jelly. It's really comforting to know that there's more of us out there and I appreciate your advice.

It sounds very much like we're in the same boat. We picked out the ring together and have been to see a couple of venues. He's the perfect guy for me and we're really happy together. I do get the feeling that a lot of people felt my post was out of place, since we're not yet engaged, but I wasn't sure if the consensus would be to tell people about the engagement, or just to go and get married and then tell our friends and family afterwards. I didn't want my boyfriend to propose and then be doubting whether or not I should call my mom to let her know. :-) 

Thanks to all of the wonderful responses I've received, I know I can celebrate the engagement, just as if it were going to be a normal wedding...and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! 

He's been saying for quite a while that he wants the proposal to be a surprise and he's a bit worried that I'm not going to be surprised. Anyway, a few days ago he let it slide that he's going to ask me within the next two months. Coincidentally, he's taking me to Paris in September. Now I know that I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I think he might propose before we go, because that would be a real surprise. Now that I know there's no downside to calling my M&D after the proposal, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer...

Thanks everybody! You'll probably hear from me again in a couple of months when we're the real deal ;-)

frap33

Addiecake - I'm off to bed for now, but there will certainly be several margaritas calling my name tomorrow! 

Thanks everyone and good luck with all of your wedding plans!

bethsmiles

frap33 said:

Thanks, Jelly. It's really comforting to know that there's more of us out there and I appreciate your advice.

It sounds very much like we're in the same boat. We picked out the ring together and have been to see a couple of venues. He's the perfect guy for me and we're really happy together. I do get the feeling that a lot of people felt my post was out of place, since we're not yet engaged, but I wasn't sure if the consensus would be to tell people about the engagement, or just to go and get married and then tell our friends and family afterwards. I didn't want my boyfriend to propose and then be doubting whether or not I should call my mom to let her know. :-) 

Thanks to all of the wonderful responses I've received, I know I can celebrate the engagement, just as if it were going to be a normal wedding...and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! 

He's been saying for quite a while that he wants the proposal to be a surprise and he's a bit worried that I'm not going to be surprised. Anyway, a few days ago he let it slide that he's going to ask me within the next two months. Coincidentally, he's taking me to Paris in September. Now I know that I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I think he might propose before we go, because that would be a real surprise. Now that I know there's no downside to calling my M&D after the proposal, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer...

Thanks everybody! You'll probably hear from me again in a couple of months when we're the real deal ;-)

I seriously do not get going to see venues before getting engaged. It's not only a waste of your time but it wastes the vendors' time as well.

JellyBean52513

bethsmiles said: frap33 said: Thanks, Jelly. It's really comforting to know that there's more of us out there and I appreciate your advice.
It sounds very much like we're in the same boat. We picked out the ring together and have been to see a couple of venues. He's the perfect guy for me and we're really happy together. I do get the feeling that a lot of people felt my post was out of place, since we're not yet engaged, but I wasn't sure if the consensus would be to tell people about the engagement, or just to go and get married and then tell our friends and family afterwards. I didn't want my boyfriend to propose and then be doubting whether or not I should call my mom to let her know. :-) 

Thanks to all of the wonderful responses I've received, I know I can celebrate the engagement, just as if it were going to be a normal wedding...and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! 

He's been saying for quite a while that he wants the proposal to be a surprise and he's a bit worried that I'm not going to be surprised. Anyway, a few days ago he let it slide that he's going to ask me within the next two months. Coincidentally, he's taking me to Paris in September. Now I know that I'm a conspiracy theorist, but I think he might propose before we go, because that would be a real surprise. Now that I know there's no downside to calling my M&D after the proposal, I'm just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer...

Thanks everybody! You'll probably hear from me again in a couple of months when we're the real deal ;-) I seriously do not get going to see venues before getting engaged. It's not only a waste of your time but it wastes the vendors' time as well.


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I agree with this. It's like going to test drive cars that you aren't actually ready to buy. Also, being engaged really means you've formally agreed to get married. If you and your SO are actually going to venues to check out places, you've pretty much made that agreement with one another and voila you're engaged. An engagement is an agreement, not necessarily made official by a ring and a proposal. The practice of men taking total control of the engagement by asking the girl for her hand in marriage stems from the good ol' days where men actually asked the girl's father for the right to marry his daughter (back when women were regarded much more like property than equal partners). It's much more realistic nowadays for couples to discuss marriage and mutually agree to get married. The traditional proposal is just a formality that most couples don't want to go without, so they consider themselves not-officially-engaged until that act occurs, which is usually entirely within the man's control because HE'S the one who buys the ring (spoiler alert: it used to be a cow or some other valuable livestock that he'd actually give to the girl's father in exchange for her hand), HE'S the one who decides when and where to propose, and HE'S the one who gets to wait until he's good and ready, while women sit and wait. It's a little unfair when men cling to this tradition, because they don't allow us to move forward with planning a wedding even though it's been mutually discussed and agreed upon.

Sorry, end rant. I've been over this unfairness with my SO already and while he totally understands the perspective, he still refuses to give up the chance to propose in a special, surprise way (especially since I've been engaged before and the engagement was pretty awful). I know he's not trying to be controlling, so this isn't the hill I'm willing to die on and leave an otherwise wonderful man over. But to bring this back full circle... OP, if you and your BF are not going to considered yourselves engaged until he proposes--and you're ok with that--then stop torturing yourself by making legit planning steps because you can't really do anything until you both acknowledge the engagement.

frap33

I guess you're right, JellyBean. We are, for all intents and purposes, already engaged. In fact, some people might even say that we already have a common-law marriage. However, I know that he wants to propose and have a legal wedding, and I'm excited about it. Even if we're not going the traditional route.  
 

I really don't feel like I'm torturing myself by making legit planning steps, or that we can't really do anything yet. If we had both loved one of the venues and there was some kind of unbelievable incentive for booking within a set time frame, or if there would be problems booking in the future do to limited availability, I'm pretty sure we would have booked. I can't be certain because I never discussed this with my SO, but knowing him as I do, I think he would want to book the venue in that situation. Anyway, none of that matters because although we both loved the venues online and they were beautiful in person, each had a couple of flaws that were deal breakers.  

I know I'm new at this stuff, but I don't really see the harm in two people knowing that they're going to get married, but not proclaiming that they're engaged. And before yesterday, I had no idea that anyone (other than close friends and family) would even care about the exact point at which he and I consider ourselves engaged. Potato/potahto, as long as he and I are happy with the way things are going and it's not hurting anybody, what's the harm?

 

Bethsmiles - I would agree with your comment almost 100% of the time, but I do think that there are a few exceptions. If we were planning a wedding near our home or a place we visit regularly, we wouldn't have gone to view any venues, because would have plenty of time to do that later. But since we're going to be getting married abroad and we were vacationing nearby, we decided that we'd better take a look at two of the places that we loved online because we weren't certain that we'd get back there for another visit before the wedding. 

At the end of the day, I'm happy that we toured the venues, because we found that they were not the right places for us. Prior to our visits we really thought that one of these places would be it. This being the case, we'll probably end up picking a venue that we haven't seen in person, but I'm sure it will all work out. 

I don't think feel it was a waste of time for us. Now knowing that we won't be getting married in either of the places, it did turn out to be a waste of time for the vendors, but no more so than if any engaged couple had decided not to book the venue. 

What's done is done and we can't change it, but knowing a little bit more about our situation, do you still feel that we shouldn't have toured the venues?

JellyBean52513

Eh, I don't really have strong feelings about it enough to tell you that you were totally in the wrong to tour the venues, because I can understand your perspective based on your explanation and it seems reasonable to me. I also understand not wanting to proclaim yourselves as engaged just yet; like I said, my SO doesn't want me going around telling people "We've been talking a lot and it looks like we're going to be getting married!!!" because he wants me to have a proposal story to tell and he wants me to have a ring to show for it (he even asked me after my first day back to work from our trip "So, did you tell everybody about your ring?" because he holds that particular component of the process in such high regard). 

If you and your FI are happy with the status of your relationship, then to each their own. We're just here to give advice when asked, and steer you clear of any etiquette mishaps

bethsmiles

frap33 said:

I guess you're right, JellyBean. We are, for all intents and purposes, already engaged. In fact, some people might even say that we already have a common-law marriage. However, I know that he wants to propose and have a legal wedding, and I'm excited about it. Even if we're not going the traditional route.  
 

I really don't feel like I'm torturing myself by making legit planning steps, or that we can't really do anything yet. If we had both loved one of the venues and there was some kind of unbelievable incentive for booking within a set time frame, or if there would be problems booking in the future do to limited availability, I'm pretty sure we would have booked. I can't be certain because I never discussed this with my SO, but knowing him as I do, I think he would want to book the venue in that situation. Anyway, none of that matters because although we both loved the venues online and they were beautiful in person, each had a couple of flaws that were deal breakers.  

I know I'm new at this stuff, but I don't really see the harm in two people knowing that they're going to get married, but not proclaiming that they're engaged. And before yesterday, I had no idea that anyone (other than close friends and family) would even care about the exact point at which he and I consider ourselves engaged. Potato/potahto, as long as he and I are happy with the way things are going and it's not hurting anybody, what's the harm?

 

Bethsmiles - I would agree with your comment almost 100% of the time, but I do think that there are a few exceptions. If we were planning a wedding near our home or a place we visit regularly, we wouldn't have gone to view any venues, because would have plenty of time to do that later. But since we're going to be getting married abroad and we were vacationing nearby, we decided that we'd better take a look at two of the places that we loved online because we weren't certain that we'd get back there for another visit before the wedding. 

At the end of the day, I'm happy that we toured the venues, because we found that they were not the right places for us. Prior to our visits we really thought that one of these places would be it. This being the case, we'll probably end up picking a venue that we haven't seen in person, but I'm sure it will all work out. 

I don't think feel it was a waste of time for us. Now knowing that we won't be getting married in either of the places, it did turn out to be a waste of time for the vendors, but no more so than if any engaged couple had decided not to book the venue. 

What's done is done and we can't change it, but knowing a little bit more about our situation, do you still feel that we shouldn't have toured the venues?

Yup. I understand how you've justified it to yourself, it just seems silly to me. Either be engaged and plan your wedding or wait until the proposal. It doesn't effect me enough to care that much though.