How do I do this without looking like a jerk?

SJM7538

My parents 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in about a month. I've picked a restaurant and H and I are going to take them out to dinner to celebrate (surprise). I want to let my brother and sister in law know in addition to my sister and her FI (will Be husband in a few weeks) in case they want to join.

Here is my dilemma. My brother and sister each have a kid. Both my nephews are two and I love them to pieces and pieces but I would really like to have a nice adult evening with my parents to celebrate their anniversary. In addition, the restaurant is very nice and upscale. And my sisters son cries, a lot, and is super Attached to my mom and cries if she leaves the room. Last time we went out to a nice restaurant for Hs birthday my mom get up to use the bathroom and he screamed the entire rest of the evening. Again, I love him to pieces but I (as well as other paying customers I'm sure) won't want to deal with this. So how do I tell them this without coming off as a jerk? FYI... I don't have kids.


My sister and her fiancé will be getting back from their honeymoon just two days prior so I'm also wondering if she will be hesitant to leave them with a sitter after she hasn't seen him for a week. FWIW I don't see my brother and sister in law taking any offense to this. Mostly just my sister

kaos16

Knowing my sister and her unruly kids. . .  .I would present the invitation as such: "are you able to get a sitter for X night. . . . DH and I are taking mom and dad for anniversary dinner and would love for you and husband to join us"

You'd be extending the invitation to just the two of them.

theartistformerlyknownas

SJM7538 said:

My parents 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in about a month. I've picked a restaurant and H and I are going to take them out to dinner to celebrate (surprise). I want to let my brother and sister in law know in addition to my sister and her FI (will Be husband in a few weeks) in case they want to join. Here is my dilemma. My brother and sister each have a kid. Both my nephews are two and I love them to pieces and pieces but I would really like to have a nice adult evening with my parents to celebrate their anniversary. In addition, the restaurant is very nice and upscale. And my sisters son cries, a lot, and is super Attached to my mom and cries if she leaves the room. Last time we went out to a nice restaurant for Hs birthday my mom get up to use the bathroom and he screamed the entire rest of the evening. Again, I love him to pieces but I (as well as other paying customers I'm sure) won't want to deal with this. So how do I tell them this without coming off as a jerk? FYI... I don't have kids. My sister and her fiancé will be getting back from their honeymoon just two days prior so I'm also wondering if she will be hesitant to leave them with a sitter after she hasn't seen him for a week. FWIW I don't see my brother and sister in law taking any offense to this. Mostly just my sister

Approach this the same way as you did your wedding invitations. You don't say who is NOT invited, you only say who IS invited. Call each sibling up, say "H and I are planning to take Mom and Dad to Restaurant as an anniversary surprise! We'd love you and Spouse to join us. Should we add 2 to our reservation?" If they say "sure, but make it 3!" you say "this time isn't for the kids, but we hope you two can still join us." 

southernbelle0915

kaos16 said:

Knowing my sister and her unruly kids. . .  .I would present the invitation as such: "are you able to get a sitter for X night. . . . DH and I are taking mom and dad for anniversary dinner and would love for you and husband to join us"

You'd be extending the invitation to just the two of them.

Exactly this. 

JellyBean52513

If you're inviting them out to this dinner that you plan to host with your H, then you can set the parameters of who to invite (i.e., you can just invite the adults), but be prepared to pay for everyone's food and drinks.

If you're simply letting them know what your plans are and that they are welcome to join on their own dime, then you really can't tell them that they need to leave their child at home. I mean, the best you can do is say something like "The reservation is at 7, and I was hoping that this could be just the adults, if you don't mind" I suppose, but even that sounds rude as I type it. 

golden rule: if you're struggling to find a way to communicate something politely, it's probably because it's impolite in its very nature to begin with.

lyndausvi

Honestly, I would just take mom and dad to the restaurant alone.

  Then plan another event/dinner/cookout/whatever to celebrating their anniversary with everyone including the kids.

If you really want them to attend you have to suck it up and just say "just adults please".    Sucks, might make you look like a jerk, but sometimes that is the only way to get these points across.

RebeccaFlower

lyndausvi said:

Honestly, I would just take mom and dad to the restaurant alone.

  Then plan another event/dinner/cookout/whatever to celebrating their anniversary with everyone including the kids.

If you really want them to attend you have to suck it up and just say "just adults please".    Sucks, might make you look like a jerk, but sometimes that is the only way to get these points across.

I agree with this. Maybe a BBQ later on since sister might want to be home anyway.

SJM7538

Thank you all for the advice and responses. I think you're right and it may be best to just take them by ourselves bc we can't say "it's on your dime but we you can't bring the kids" without being horribly rude.

I was thinking about it and the restaurant I chose is a bit pricey. My sister and her FI don't have a lot of money and I'm sure will be treating themselves on their honeymoon. I would hate to extend an invitation to some place they may decline due cost. And I am by no means judging her financial situation I just know money is tight for her with the wedding coming up and her not working. I also don't want to cause any drama or get her upset just a few short weeks before her wedding.

lyndausvi

We threw my parents a party for their 25th.  Not saying you need to do that, but in addition to taking them out it might be nice for you and your siblings to plan something small.    Maybe one of you can use your home to have everyone come over to celebrate?  You all just contribute to the food.   Basic stuff.      

Every family dynamics are different, but my parents love when the whole family gets together.  Especially on a milestone like being married for 25 years.  Or even having family pictures done.  My parents love that kind of shit.

SJM7538

@lyndausvi‌ my mom LOVES that crap to. lol we had family pictures done for her for Christmas. It was a disaster and we gave her the "blooper" copy as a joke and she actually framed it. It looks like it belongs in the awkward family photos game.


I think we will plan a family get together for the weekend after and just take them to dinner ourselves. I really want to treat them to something nice because they never themselves and they contributed so much to our wedding

mysticl

Your parents' are the guests of honor.  Would they be cool with their grandchildren being excluded from a family dinner?  I think their wishes need to be considered.  

SJM7538

@scribe95‌ that is a great idea and something to def look into. I never would have thought of that.

@mysticl‌ they wouldn't care either way. I'm sure they would like it if the boys were there but if they're not they won't mind either. My brother and sister in law live within a mile of them so they see nephew one all the time. And my sister and nephew two actually live with my parents, at least until the wedding. That's part of the problem. My nephew is so attached to sister and my mother. I'm picturing being at dinner and my mom getting up to go use the bathroom, he starts screaming and then he's just irritable the rest of the evening. Not something I want to deal with while I'm trying to have dinner at a nice upscale restaurant. I also realized that the reservations are probably going to be fairly close their bedtimes.

I asked a few coworkers who have young kids what they would do and they all said if they were going to dinner at this place they would leave the kids at
Home. So hopefully I'm not too out of line for thinking that. But again, I talked to H and we probably will just take them out the four of us.

theexactlee

I have two kids. I hate dining out with children. Hate it. Your kids is not cute. I don't want your cute kid walking over to my table saying "hi. hi. hi." I certainly won't let my child do this to you. But my children certainly will be annoying in some way. Hence I hate taking my kids out to eat.

So the moral of this story is I hate that none of my friends ever want to do an adult dinner. They ALWAYS want to bring their kids. And if I suggest otherwise they get huffy. So yeah, maybe just take your parents out on your own.

Sorry