I think we were unintentionally rude

kee7

I think H and I were unintentionally rude at our wedding a few months ago in April.

Our ceremony started at 3 and ended at 4. Our photographer had originally told us to plan on 90 minutes for photos (we did not have a first look). Family photos, bridal party and H and I. It ended up being over 2 hours.

During photos, at the reception we had the following available for guests: veggie trays, cheese/pepperoni/cracker trays, cookie table, open bar, non-alcoholic beverages (2 kinds of punch, coffee, water).

Upon our arrival at the reception, we had our first dance, cut the cake and then dinner was served at about 6:30.

At the reception, we heard that some guests had stormed out before we arrived as they were starving and hadn't ate all day. About 1/3 of our guests left right after dinner, a lot more leaving after cake was served. As such, we did not get to talk to most of our guests.

We truly did not mean to be rude. If I had been aware of the time (I did not have a watch and H didn't check his phone), I would have cut our pictures short.

Thank you notes went out long ago, and I didn't address this at the time, but I'm wondering if we should apologize to our guests for our rudeness?

theartistformerlyknownas

kee7 said:

I think H and I were unintentionally rude at our wedding a few months ago in April.

Our ceremony started at 3 and ended at 4. Our photographer had originally told us to plan on 90 minutes for photos (we did not have a first look). Family photos, bridal party and H and I. It ended up being over 2 hours.

During photos, at the reception we had the following available for guests: veggie trays, cheese/pepperoni/cracker trays, cookie table, open bar, non-alcoholic beverages (2 kinds of punch, coffee, water).

Upon our arrival at the reception, we had our first dance, cut the cake and then dinner was served at about 6:30.

At the reception, we heard that some guests had stormed out before we arrived as they were starving and hadn't ate all day. About 1/3 of our guests left right after dinner, a lot more leaving after cake was served. As such, we did not get to talk to most of our guests.

We truly did not mean to be rude. If I had been aware of the time (I did not have a watch and H didn't check his phone), I would have cut our pictures short.

Thank you notes went out long ago, and I didn't address this at the time, but I'm wondering if we should apologize to our guests for our rudeness?

That stinks. Unfortunately yes, you should have had someone keep track of the time so you could have been back within an hour rather than 2. I wouldn't have even planned on 90 minutes of pictures in the first place. Yes your guests were hosted during that time, but 2 hours is a long time on crackers and cheese. 

I don't think the thank you notes would have been an appropriate time to mention it, but I would maybe just tell the people who left before dinner that you're very sorry you didn't get to see them and that they had to miss the meal. 

There's nothing wrong with people leaving right after dinner, but what were you doing during the reception that 1/3 of people left as soon as dinner was done but you didn't speak to "most" of your guests? How long was it before you actually talked to anyone? Didn't you do table visits as soon as you finished eating? How are you only realizing now that you should have gotten to more guests? I'm not trying to make you feel bad in hindsight, just serve as more of a warning to people reading this that you really need to make it a priority to keep track of time and personally thank each guest for coming as soon as you can.

luckysnorkel

I agree with lolo that there were probably some things that could/should have been planned differently in hindsight, but in OP's defense, I'm stuck on the guests who stormed out because they were "starving" and "hadn't eaten all day".  Seriously??  For a 3pm wedding?

mysticl

lolo883 said:

kee7 said:

I think H and I were unintentionally rude at our wedding a few months ago in April.

Our ceremony started at 3 and ended at 4. Our photographer had originally told us to plan on 90 minutes for photos (we did not have a first look). Family photos, bridal party and H and I. It ended up being over 2 hours.

During photos, at the reception we had the following available for guests: veggie trays, cheese/pepperoni/cracker trays, cookie table, open bar, non-alcoholic beverages (2 kinds of punch, coffee, water).

Upon our arrival at the reception, we had our first dance, cut the cake and then dinner was served at about 6:30.

At the reception, we heard that some guests had stormed out before we arrived as they were starving and hadn't ate all day. About 1/3 of our guests left right after dinner, a lot more leaving after cake was served. As such, we did not get to talk to most of our guests.

We truly did not mean to be rude. If I had been aware of the time (I did not have a watch and H didn't check his phone), I would have cut our pictures short.

Thank you notes went out long ago, and I didn't address this at the time, but I'm wondering if we should apologize to our guests for our rudeness?

That stinks. Unfortunately yes, you should have had someone keep track of the time so you could have been back within an hour rather than 2. I wouldn't have even planned on 90 minutes of pictures in the first place. Yes your guests were hosted during that time, but 2 hours is a long time on crackers and cheese. 

I don't think the thank you notes would have been an appropriate time to mention it, but I would maybe just tell the people who left before dinner that you're very sorry you didn't get to see them and that they had to miss the meal. 

There's nothing wrong with people leaving right after dinner, but what were you doing during the reception that 1/3 of people left as soon as dinner was done but you didn't speak to "most" of your guests? How long was it before you actually talked to anyone? Didn't you do table visits as soon as you finished eating? How are you only realizing now that you should have gotten to more guests? I'm not trying to make you feel bad in hindsight, just serve as more of a warning to people reading this that you really need to make it a priority to keep track of time and personally thank each guest for coming as soon as you can.

It looks like they got to the venue after 6, danced, cut the cake and ate.  Depending on how service was done they may not have finished eating prior to the rest of their guests.  They lost people prior to them even getting to the reception then 1/3 as soon as dinner was done so they could have been pushing half at that point. Then they lost more after the cake (though she's not clear as to when cake happened, if it was immediately after dinner or later).  

OP, I don't have answer for you about what you can do about it now.  I say let it stand as a cautionary tale to others to be very mindful of their picture taking time.  

April192002

I'm not quite sure what etiquette says about that but if your guests chose not to eat all day, even the appetizers/snacks that you provided, that isn't your fault. I do think you took too long for pictures, which it seems like you realize, but if they really left because of food then they should have had lunch before attending a 3:00 wedding.

I would find it a little odd if I got an apology letter from a bride and groom about how long they took for pictures and to serve dinner (and in your case, you had free food and drinks). If the ceremony started horribly late, there weren't food or drinks available, or a vendor did something completely inappropriate then I would find it less odd receiving an apology. But that's just me!

kee7

Immediately after dinner, we had the father-daughter dance and mother-son dance, then cake was served. After I finished dancing with my dad, I began socializing with guests. By the time cake was served, over 1/2 of the guests had left which is why I said we didn't get to speak with "most." Some of them we did get to talk to for a minute as they were saying goodbye. Others we didn't as they left before we arrived, during dinner or while we were dancing.

I'm not just now realizing it, I've known all along. I made a cross country move soon after the wedding so I didn't get a chance to visit family and friends to speak with them. H has been living across the country for a year now and didn't get to see his family and friends during before flying back. Our families are about 6 hours apart, so I couldn't go to see his family and friends before leaving either.

At this point, I realize we were rude but I'm just asking if there is anything we should/can do about it.

kee7

For clarification about the move, I meant that I didn't have time to personally go to our friends and families homes after the wedding but before I moved to catch up with them.

I didn't mean that me moving had anything to do with the day of the wedding or that it impacted my ability to socialize with guests.

danamw

I honestly can't see anything to complain about here. Every wedding has that picture-taking gap, and the crowd is eager for the arrival of the BP, but having munchies means no one should have been "starving".

They had plenty of time for a huge breakfast, or a good lunch. People are crazy, don't worry about it.

huskypuppy14

Honestly, it's not the most terrible thing you could have done. But, 2 hours for pictures is way too long. I also would have had passed appetizers in addition to the veggies and cheese and crackers.

Also, you should have started your table visits sooner. I know it sucks to not get to sit and enjoy your meal at a leisurely pace, but you can't do that if you want to get to all the tables. Especially, because there was 2 hour gap for the guests where they didn't get to see you. And people do leave early, so you have to prioritize who to see first.

My husband and I had a first look where we did all the bridal party pics, family pics, and some individual pics. Then after the ceremony DH and I went on the golf course with our photographer and took some more pictures. That took about 30 minutes, then we joined cocktail hour, so we could talk to some of our guests.

After cocktail hour we were announced, had our first dance, toasts, and then DH and I were served our salads. We got to enjoy our salads, because everyone else was going up to the stations at that point. Then after salads, we cut our cake, and started our table visits.

 We went to the tables with the older people first (MIL's friends and some family). Then we ate dinner, then went to some more tables. We did our friends last, because we knew they were staying later, and we would hang out with them on the dance floor. We also didn't go to the table where my parents and sisters were because we saw them all day. It does take awhile, and there was a point, where all I wanted was my dessert . But we got to every table, except 1. And those people at that table, I had said hello at cocktail hour, and danced with some of them on the dance floor. The point is to try to talk to every guest, whether that is a receiving line, table visits, talking with them at some point during the wedding reception. 

ohannabelle

kee7 said:

Immediately after dinner, we had the father-daughter dance and mother-son dance, then cake was served. After I finished dancing with my dad, I began socializing with guests. By the time cake was served, over 1/2 of the guests had left which is why I said we didn't get to speak with "most." Some of them we did get to talk to for a minute as they were saying goodbye. Others we didn't as they left before we arrived, during dinner or while we were dancing.

I'm not just now realizing it, I've known all along. I made a cross country move soon after the wedding so I didn't get a chance to visit family and friends to speak with them. H has been living across the country for a year now and didn't get to see his family and friends during before flying back. Our families are about 6 hours apart, so I couldn't go to see his family and friends before leaving either.

At this point, I realize we were rude but I'm just asking if there is anything we should/can do about it.

Yes, there is. It's never too late to apologize, or to be honest, or to do the correct thing.

Compose a genuine, kind letter of apology explaining that you never intended to keep your guests waiting for two hours, and that even though this much time has passed, it's still bothering you, and you hope that they'll accept your apology.

Yes, some people might find it odd to get an apology so long after the offense, but I would rather be thought of as odd than someone who was rude and simply didn't give a damn. 

loveislouder

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

Jen4948

danamw said:

I honestly can't see anything to complain about here. Every wedding has that picture-taking gap, and the crowd is eager for the arrival of the BP, but having munchies means no one should have been "starving".

They had plenty of time for a huge breakfast, or a good lunch. People are crazy, don't worry about it.

Sorry, but having "munchies" does not negate the need to start the reception as soon as possible after the ceremony, and that means not having a 90 minute gap in between them.  The couple need to get as many photos done before the ceremony as possible to minimize that gap.  A 60 minute gap might be reasonable-but a 90 minute gap while people stand around waiting for the honorees to arrive is not.  It doesn't matter whether or not they have "munchies" or a 12 course meal in that gap-keeping guests waiting that long for you is just not acceptable.

ohannabelle

danamw said:

I honestly can't see anything to complain about here. Every wedding has that picture-taking gap, and the crowd is eager for the arrival of the BP, but having munchies means no one should have been "starving".

They had plenty of time for a huge breakfast, or a good lunch. People are crazy, don't worry about it.

No. Every wedding doesn't have a picture taking gap. 

Being kept waiting for two hours is not excusable, under any circumstances, and the fact that half the guests left can attest to this. It's sending people the message that they don't matter to you, and your pictures are more important than your friends and family. The average reception lasts 4 hours. Spending half of it ignoring your guests is rude. Nothing "crazy" about that. 

The OP is absolutely correct in being concerned about this, and wanting to address it.  That's why it's still bothering her.

huskypuppy14

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

Cake can vary. Our venue insisted that we cut our cake during salads, so they would have time to plate it for after dinner.  

100% of the weddings I've been to have the first dance right after introductions- which is obviously before dinner.

JellyBean52513

danamw said:

I honestly can't see anything to complain about here. Every wedding has that picture-taking gap, and the crowd is eager for the arrival of the BP, but having munchies means no one should have been "starving".

They had plenty of time for a huge breakfast, or a good lunch. People are crazy, don't worry about it.

I don't know you at all, but this post tells me you're kind of a jerk. Her ceremony started at 3pm & ended at 4pm, with a cocktail hour/reception starting right after. 5-6pm is DINNER TIME for most, which the OP wasn't prepared to serve because she was still taking pictures. Honestly, it's understandable that some guests stormed out early & that even more left immediately after dinner. Maybe those guests who left right after eating were so annoyed with the couple that they didn't even want to talk to them. Sorry but when you invite people somewhere & you treat them like shit, whether you intend to or not and whether it's your wedding or not, you still run the risk of leaving a bad taste in people's mouths.

OP, if I were you, I would personally call up the guests that I know left early and apologize for the shitty timeline and thank them for taking time out of their day to attend. That's worth sucking it up to me.

Edited to finish post; on iPhone and i hit "Save Comment" on accident

jnissa

huskypuppy14 said:

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

Cake can vary. Our venue insisted that we cut our cake during salads, so they would have time to plate it for after dinner.  

100% of the weddings I've been to have the first dance right after introductions- which is obviously before dinner.

We're not doing a first dance - but we're doing our cake cutting as we're introduced at the reception. Our wedding planner suggested it and honestly I loved it because I personally hate having to stop dancing or talking during a reception to watch a cake cutting and then look out for a piece of cake. According to her it's getting common.

Had we done a first dance, we also would have done it at the introduction. 

CMGragain

When you have guests at your wedding, your first concern should be their welfare.  You did not do this.  Your first concern was your pictures.  Your pictures are not important to your guests.
At my own wedding, we took the formal pictures before the ceremony.  This was more important to me than the tradition of not seeing the bride before the ceremony, and it helped relax my  engineer FI by giving him something technical to focus on.  I highly recommend doing this.
Our small reception followed almost immediately, with no inconvenience to our guests.

mysticl

April192002 said:

I'm not quite sure what etiquette says about that but if your guests chose not to eat all day, even the appetizers/snacks that you provided, that isn't your fault. I do think you took too long for pictures, which it seems like you realize, but if they really left because of food then they should have had lunch before attending a 3:00 wedding.

I would find it a little odd if I got an apology letter from a bride and groom about how long they took for pictures and to serve dinner (and in your case, you had free food and drinks). If the ceremony started horribly late, there weren't food or drinks available, or a vendor did something completely inappropriate then I would find it less odd receiving an apology. But that's just me!

"All day" may have been an exaggeration from frustrated guests.  However, if the wedding started at 3 that means people probably arrived between 2:30 and 3. That means leaving their hotel or homes starting at about 1:30 (maybe even earlier).  Add an hour to that for getting ready so now you have people eating lunch somewhere in the 11-12:30 range (or even earlier).  That means they have gone over 6 hours without food by the time dinner is served.  And honestly her cocktail hour food sounds kind of skimpy, and since it wasn't meant to last for over 2 hours the food may have run out, those kids of displays often are not replenished.  Veggies, crackers, cheese cubes, and processed meat aren't enough when you have gone that long without food. As for the cookie table I know many people will get their cookies and set them to side to eat after the meal is served or take them home with them.

RebeccaFlower

I think it would be weird to make a big apology now. I think it would be better to slide it into conversation when you see them next. It's already been months, so I don't think it matters if it takes a while. 

Lurkers, take note! Your pictures can't overtake your wedding! You don't need 10,000 perfect pictures! I would be so sad if I were the OP. 

wrigleyville

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

That's always strange to me too. 

Every wedding I've been to has the B&G announced as they walk in, and then they and the WP head straight to their table(s) so dinner can begin. That way, people get to eat sooner rather than later.

The cake is cut while everyone is eating and is served either before or during the first dance, depending on timing (plated meals vs. buffet - if it's a buffet, most people are still eating after the B&G are finished since the B&G go first).

huskypuppy14

wrigleyville said:

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

That's always strange to me too. 

Every wedding I've been to has the B&G announced as they walk in, and then they and the WP head straight to their table(s) so dinner can begin. That way, people get to eat sooner rather than later.

The cake is cut while everyone is eating and is served either before or during the first dance, depending on timing (plated meals vs. buffet - if it's a buffet, most people are still eating after the B&G are finished since the B&G go first).

It's funny how different things are for different circles. I wonder if it's regional?

iloveotters2014

wrigleyville said:

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

That's always strange to me too. 

Every wedding I've been to has the B&G announced as they walk in, and then they and the WP head straight to their table(s) so dinner can begin. That way, people get to eat sooner rather than later.

The cake is cut while everyone is eating and is served either before or during the first dance, depending on timing (plated meals vs. buffet - if it's a buffet, most people are still eating after the B&G are finished since the B&G go first).

Weird. We were announced and walked in and went straight to cut the cake. after cake cutting we did toasts and then the buffet was announced. H and I ate and then went around to do table visits. After table visits we did first dances and then the dance floor was opened up and the cake was served. It seemed to make everything go very smoothly and efficiently without drawing everything out before people could party.

I've seen it done many different ways though!

larrygaga

You didn't run out of food and have everyone watch you and your husband play games, did you? Instead of dancing everyone had to sit through hours of jeopardy?

You sound pretty close to this wedding I went to.

BMoreBride6

danamw said:

I honestly can't see anything to complain about here. Every wedding has that picture-taking gap, and the crowd is eager for the arrival of the BP, but having munchies means no one should have been "starving".

They had plenty of time for a huge breakfast, or a good lunch. People are crazy, don't worry about it.

No.  Especially considering most do not have seats for all guests at cocktail hour.  Standing around for 2 hours in heels sucks, even if you don't have any kind of ailment.  DH and I recently went to a wedding with a 2 hour gap for pictures.  The reception and ceremony were the same place so we didn't even have to go anywhere, literally stood around for 2 hours.  While we did not consider leaving, I can't say I'd fault people who did. 

offensivekitten2

Two hours is a lot of time to nurse some crackers and wait for something.

This is exactly the reason that at my wedding, I told the caterers to just go ahead and serve appetizers to everyone while we spent about 20 minutes taking family photos. The caterer was appalled that we would not make guests wait, but I wasn't concerned with impressing her.

We caught up to our guests plenty fine with dinner, then went to the reception venue for dancing,drinking, and a cheese station (yeah we had a weird split). We again lagged behind and spent about 30 to 40 minutes taking pics with just me and DH.

All in all, pics were minimal in impact to the guests, and they had food at all times. Plus the drinks were free. I still get compliments about the wedding out of the blue from our guests.

indianaalum

huskypuppy14 said:

loveislouder said:

Potential thread hijacker here - people cut their cake and do their dances before dinner? That's a thing?

Cake can vary. Our venue insisted that we cut our cake during salads, so they would have time to plate it for after dinner.  

100% of the weddings I've been to have the first dance right after introductions- which is obviously before dinner.

We did it similar. We were introduced, and cut our cake immediately at the request of the venue for cake cutting purposes. We then did our first dance after our "salad" course.

kmmssg

I went to a 200 person wedding in November that was so poorly planned it would make your head spin. It was my BFFs DD and they intentionally left MOB/FOB out of the planning because they were adults and could plan it on their own. 11 days from the wedding MOB/FOB found out how incredibly ludicrous everything was and the bride's family and friends from her parents church started cooking......only to help out her parents. The groom had created an extreme divide between "his church" and her parents church and had someone from his church running the show. This still affected not having enough food for everyone but MOB/FOB did everything they could with the information they were given. Reception was held at a church camp so no venue or caterer. The couple had been bratty to say the least. hour and 45 minute cocktail hour, crammed into a very small room where one person would get up from the table (the one who was ABLE to get up from the sardine can venue) and get apps and drinks for everyone. They ran out of veggies and dip rather quickly and the punch was gone in 30 minutes. People were picking at the lettuce that was used as the display for the veggies and dip. I thought of their wedding as I read this. OP - did your appetizers last for 2 hours or were they gone well before you arrived? The only reason I didn't leave the wedding mentioned above is because of my relationship to MOB/FOB.. We left after dinner....while the bride and groom were dancing with others on the dance floor. At least they did a receiving line. OP - I am with Ohannabelle on this one. It is never too late to apologize. Write a very kind letter and get it in the mail. I really DO understand that what happened was not your intent but I do hope it serves to show other upcoming brides that it IS your responsibility to make sure you watch your time and you tend to your guests. This is another reason I am such a fan of first looks. @loveislouder - 2 of my 4 girls cut their cake so that it could be served with dinner and had first dances during cocktail hour. I am a huge fan of this. Really - it has nothing to do with the fact that I am a cake freak and hate waiting til things are winding down to get mine. Really, honest, it has nothing to do with getting my cake (and maybe DH's too since he isn't a fan) sooner.

kee7

@larrygaga‌ - No, we did not have games.

@BMoreBride6‌ - The 'cocktail hour' was in the same location as the reception, so everyone had somewhere to sit.

@kmmssg‌ - There were still veggies and cheese left when we arrived. We actually ended up bringing home big bags of it. Other than the one guest and her boyfriend storming out, we did not hear anything else about people starving. That doesn't mean they weren't, however. There was a lot of food served for dinner, which we also ended up bringing home a lot of. As well as massive amounts of cookies and cake!

I think I will compose letters to everyone. I feel like a terrible host and of the people I have talked to and seen since the wedding, no one seems to be angry, but it's better to apologize anyway.

melbenso

2 hours is a long time to wait for dinner after a ceremony, and in retrospect, was probably not the best of ideas.  (I would have at least pushed the dances and cake cutting back until after dinner, if I was running late.  But I realize that's not terribly helpful to you now.)

I do think any guests who "stormed out" were overreacting.  I was recently at a wedding with a 4 o'clock ceremony where dinner wasn't served until 8:30.  45 minutes of travel time from ceremony to reception,  20 minute wait for reception hall to open after we got there, wedding party didn't arrive until 2 hours after reception hall opened, 30 minutes of toasts and slideshows before dinner.  Like your reception, there were plenty of light appetizers and an open bar for guests who were waiting.

I was annoyed that dinner wasn't served until so late, and I assume other people were too.  But I don't think anyone (of the roughly 300 guests) left.  Certainly, no one stormed out.  No one was starving.  Just a little sick of cheese trays and veggies and dip being the only thing to eat after a while.

Like PP said, if you happen to run in to anyone from the wedding who left before you got to see them, apologize for not getting to thank them for coming in person and move on.  Honestly, while you may have been unintentionally rude for making guests wait 30 minutes more than planned to serve dinner, anyone who pitches such a fit that they have to storm out when they haven't been served dinner by 6:30, is pretty rude themselves, IMO.

QueerFemme

Yeah, you were rude. Intentionally,or not.  Your wedding started at 3pm, and dinner wasn't served for 3.5 hours. that's a long time.  Cocktail hour is an HOUR. Not 90 minutes, certainly not 2+ hours.  When your photographer suggested 90 minutes, you should have said "No. Lets keep it to an hour".  And someone should have been monitoring that hour. 

But, at this point, that ship has sailed.  I wouldn't send out a letter or make a big deal out of it.     You screwed up. You were rude to your friends and family, but since it's been a while since your wedding, I would just let it go. If you happen to talk to people that attended, you can say "I didn't realize how long we made you wait. I'm really sorry".   And then let it go.

 

QueerFemme

PS - I noticed you said "No one seemed angry".  of course, no one will be angry to your face/on the phone, most likely.  But, I promise you, people are likely talking shit about the wedding they went to where the bride and groom had them waiting 3 and a half hours after the start of the ceremony to start the reception.