Hi there,
My fiancé and I have decided that we are going to do a donation in lieu of wedding favors. I understand this concept is a little controversial, for reasons I still don't understand. HOWEVER, we are going to do it. My best friend and my Matron of Honor & husband have been trying to adopt for some time now. They have been through so many trials throughout the adoption process- they were matched with a baby and then the agency lost the mother, after that, their agency went bankrupt and they have lost ALL of the money (we're talking thousands of dollars) that they had set up towards their adoption fund.
We want to specifically donate to their adoption fund. My question is how should I word this to the guests? Here is what I have so far:
Thank you for being a part of our special day. In lieu of traditional wedding favors, we have made a donation to:
Danielle & Patrick Garners adoption fund (made up names)
We feel the best gift we can give is the gift of helping others.
Trent & Ashley 12.13.2014
Does anyone have any other suggestions? Please don't comment if you don't believe in the donation process at weddings- we certainly don't want anything controversial at the wedding, but I just don't see how helping others could even be a negative! Thank you
Re: Wedding favor donation for adoption fund
I don't give a fuck if you give me a favor, I don't give a fuck how you spend your money. And I really don't give a fuck if you put a little note card saying in lieu of a favor you spent money to give to your friend. I think it's great you want to help your friends out.
But. I would think you were being an attention whore. It comes across as "lookit me, look how nice I am giving something up something that doesn't affect me! I'm so wonderful"
So. My recommendation. Do your donation, don't give out a shitty postcard saying what you did with it. Or if you do want to, actually give up something, like your bouquet. Then it reads less "Look at me I'm a good person" and more you actually are a good person.
Also, are your friends okay with your making them a public charity case? Do they want their financial and adoption troubles displayed for your mutual friends and potentially a lot of strangers (to them) to see? Do you really want people at your wedding to potentially go up to your friends and ask them a lot of personal questions?
Oh, I didn't even know you guys were adopting?
Are you adopting because you can't have kids?
Why is there a fund set up for you?
Well what happened with your first agency then?
Yes - those are rude and inappropriate questions, but people will ask rude and inappropriate questions. And I have to tell you, if you displayed my personal life out in the open like that, you would no longer be my friend.
Not to mention as a guest (in addition to my normal side-eyeing of the donation in lieu of favor attention whoring to show how magnanimous you are), I would be wondering why there is a fund for people to adopt. Kids are expensive no matter what, so I'd be wondering if people aren't in the financial position to fund the adoption then why are they adopting. Just saying a fund doesn't explain that they lost their money in the process and what actually happened.
Just don't mention favors period - they aren't required in the first place. Give your friends money because you want to give them money. Don't make a show of it just to prove what good people you are.
Like I said before, this is NOT for people to post who are against donations at weddings. We are doing this, sorry you feel like we shouldn't. My question was how to word our donation to our guests.
It's really this simple, it's our wedding, this is a charity that we want to donate to (and one we are continually donating to). We are not "attention whores" BUT it is our day and this is something we believe in...not something to show off how good we are!?
Our friends are out in the open about their adoption process, and they have made it public. Anyone who knows either my fiancé and I know the couple we are supporting as well.
This thread is not mean to be an argument as to whether or not we're doing this, because we are. It's simply about wording something. Thanks.
And attention whoring.
And. LIfe sucks, you're friends are not a fucking charity because they want to adopt. That is a decision they made, not a tragedy that befell them.
But I still argue that it is about showing off. The charity can still spend the money and be helped even if you don't tell anyone about it. It's not like they can't cash the check until you tell everyone at your wedding what a generous person you are. You can also give them money today and not tie it to anything wedding related if you feel so strongly that you want to help them. You can also give up flowers or get married in clothes you already own and give up a dress and give them that money instead. But doing it in lieu of a favor and then telling everyone about it when there are so many other options to support a cause you believe in without having to point it out to people...that's showing off, whether it's your intention to do it or not - it just is.
That said, please count me as someone who would be incredibly uncomfortable with this as an "in lieu of favors" idea. Regardless of how open your friends have been in their experiences, your wedding is not their fundraiser. Nor should they have to then spend your reception fielding awkward or uncomfortable questions from people they don't know.
Beyond that, pregnancy/infertility/adoption are all potentially emotional triggers. Are you absolutely positive that there are no other people on your guest list who may also be struggling with infertility, who may be trying to adopt, or who may otherwise find themselves struggling with family expansion and who might wonder why them and not us?
Donate whatever you want quietly. Whether that's what you would spend on favors or flowers or alcohol or whatnot. But keep it separate from your wedding. No one will miss favors even if there's no donation card.
I still think it's ridiculous that others would judge us by giving to others, but I've taken your comments in, and we will skip the favors and privately donate. We have no problem doing that.
edited for clarityYou'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
2. Have you discussed your plan with your friends? I would not be ok with you doing this for me, as I would not want everyone and their mothers to know my private business like that.
3. If you want to donate to this cause then you donate all of the money you receive from your guests. You do not donate money you may or may not have spent on favors for your guests, and then loudly announce that you did so. That's just gauche.
4. You can't vet or screen the people who choose to post here, so I suggest you open your eyes and ears and listen to what people are saying, whether they are validating your bad idea or not. There's a lot you could learn if you care to.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Enjoy your day!