Etiquette for Tying the Knot Legally 6 Years After Commitment Ceremony

aaustin0621

My partner and I had a beautiful and intimate commitment ceremony 5 years ago in Houston, TX.  We have been living in Brooklyn, NY for the last 2 years and would like to get legally married next-year.  This feels like a huge step in our commitment to one another as we begin to plan for children and the laws around same-sex marriage are changing rapidly nationwide, and we would love to celebrate this with our closest friends and family.  I have read a lot about the no-no of a "do over wedding" when you are already legally married, but I am wondering what the etiquette is for a same-sex couple getting legally married for the first time.  I should also share that I very much consider my partner my wife, and this is how we refer to each other when talking with family and friends. Ideally, I would like to wear more of a wedding-style dress this time but don't want to look cray-cray either.  Also, I want to make sure that we are sensitive to friends and family who participated (and covered some of the cost) for our first ceremony.  Our vision is to rent a large home on the beach for a get-away weekend for our nearest and dearest that includes a ceremony and reception style party. We will not be registering for gifts or anything like that, but can I wear wedding dress...can we have another wedding cake...can my brother (who wasn't able to come to our first ceremony) walk me down the aisle (not give me away)?  I'd love to know your thoughts on what is appropriate here.  Thank you so much!

ohannabelle

I say, why the hell not? You aren't having a "do over" for shallow pretty princess reasons, or deceiving anyone. You had a commitment ceremony because the option for having a government approved legally recognized ceremony was wrongly not available to you. Now you simply would like what you should have had the right to have from day one. Etiquette is equally about decency and common sense, and when there is no existing etiquette rule, employ those factors. 

I would not side eye this in the least. 

mysticl

What ohannabelle said. The reasoning against the PPD is because people try to claim their first wedding wasn't really a wedding and they weren't really married, when in fact it was and they were. It just wasn't their dream wedding. In your case you didn't have a wedding and you aren't legally married. You just did the best you could with what was available to you at the time. I say have the wedding of your dreams (or at least your budget).

CMGragain

This is your first legal wedding, yes?  No special etiquette.  It is your wedding - not a follow up to anything but a beautiful, committed relationship. It is not a PPD.   Enjoy!

lovesclimbing

If you had a wedding-style shindig at the commitment ceremony, I would probably side eye a little bit doing it a second time.

There's another lady on here who did pretty much the exact thing it sounds like your doing.

@‌queerfemme

pearlsofsteel

lovesclimbing said:

If you had a wedding-style shindig at the commitment ceremony, I would probably side eye a little bit doing it a second time. There's another lady on here who did pretty much the exact thing it sounds like your doing. @‌queerfemme

Agreed.

I would give slight side-eye but I wouldn't not attend because I understand the circumstances are a bit different than your standard PPD since you're finally getting legally wed. However, due to the semi-PPDness and the fact that you already acknowledge each other as a married unit, I definitely wouldn't attend a shower, bachelorette, or bring a present on the big day. 

lc07

OP, I'm stoked for you that you can legally marry your partner.

I would not side-eye a wedding. Or you wearing a dress. I do think it would be inappropriate to have a shower, a bachelorette, register for gifts, etc if those are things that already happened with the commitment ceremony.

But as your loved one, I'd love to sit and watch you get legally married, and cry, and then eat and drink and dance in celebration.

dragonavicious

I completely agree. A lot of times the people who have do-over weddings rushed into it legally because of financial benefits and then just want all the adoration and stuff they missed out on. This isn't the same. You were wrongly denied a marriage that I'm guessing you would have liked to do several years ago. 

The only thing I would say is, if anyone else helped you financially the first time around don't ask for any help this time (but yes to the dress and your brother! Why not?!) Also skip the shower (since you have already established a household) and maybe do a very small registry (since people will still want to get you gifts). 

I say go for it. 

beethery

Party on lady! You are in the clear to have a big to-do and a WELL DESERVED ONE, at that!

AddieCake

You rock on with this wedding!

msuprincess04

If you already did the big party and ceremony, then, I agree that I'd side eye it. You already married your partner even if papers weren't signed. So to throw another big event, that's essentially the same as one you've already had but with more paperwork seems a bit off. That said, you could have a perfectly lovely vow renewal and sign some papers afterwards. 

STARMOON44

I wouldn't side eye this at all. You weren't married, now you will be. Complaining about this is like whining about people in wheelchairs getting to cut the line at Disney when you are able bodied- rude!

kkitkat79

STARMOON44 said:

I wouldn't side eye this at all. You weren't married, now you will be. Complaining about this is like whining about people in wheelchairs getting to cut the line at Disney when you are able bodied- rude!

The OP did disclose that she considered her partner to be her wife so I don't think you can say that they aren't married. I think it's ok to have a party to celebrate your new legal status, but I don't think a ceremony with vows would be appropriate unless you are renewing the ones you've said during your commitment ceremony. With respect to dress and the rest, go for it, it doesn't hurt anyone. Just don't pretend the person you called your wife all this time is no longer your wife.

climbingsingle

I wouldn't side-eye this at all! Wear a dress, have a cake and party! 

OliveOilsMom

I think it depends on the style of your commitment ceremony 5 years ago.  If you had a big blow out affair 5 years ago, I would probably go for a smaller and more intimate affair this time.  You are finally able to get legally married (YAY!), so you should definitely celebrate that!

As others have mentioned, no pre-wedding parties and I would probably only have 1 attendant each who would be your witnesses for your license (if that's needed in NY).  

MegEn1

kkitkat79 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I wouldn't side eye this at all. You weren't married, now you will be. Complaining about this is like whining about people in wheelchairs getting to cut the line at Disney when you are able bodied- rude!

The OP did disclose that she considered her partner to be her wife so I don't think you can say that they aren't married. I think it's ok to have a party to celebrate your new legal status, but I don't think a ceremony with vows would be appropriate unless you are renewing the ones you've said during your commitment ceremony. With respect to dress and the rest, go for it, it doesn't hurt anyone. Just don't pretend the person you called your wife all this time is no longer your wife.

Eh, I don't know. On the PPD threads, we always talk about "Just because you want to pretend you're not married, you are" and I think the same rule applies here, etiquette-wise. While they've considered themselves married, they really weren't. Not saying that's bad etiquette because they didn't have the option. But now they can do the wedding, and I think that they should.

Agree that if you've already had the big party though, maybe tone it down a little. Otherwise, GO!

Marzipan13

All I have to say about this is... congratulations! I'm happy for you both that you can have a legally binding ceremony (about damn time). Have a killer ceremony!

thisismynickname2

Congrats!!

I know someone doing the same thing. They had a commitment ceremony several years ago and now are getting legally married with all the pomp and circumstance.  It's definitely an occasion worth celebrating!

Here's a fun factoid though. The way the law is written in this state, because they were legally committed already, the moment they get their marriage license they are married. It's backdated in a way. Unlike FI and I, who have to get the license and then have an officiant do the honors, they are married because someone already officiated their union however many years ago.  

The benefit here is that they can go back and re-do federal taxes for benefits, but the side effect is that their guests at the ceremony won't actually "witness their wedding".  

Pfffft.  Oh well!  

Ndelible

Congratulations! Your wedding sounds lovely.

mysticl

thisismynickname said:

Congrats!!

I know someone doing the same thing. They had a commitment ceremony several years ago and now are getting legally married with all the pomp and circumstance.  It's definitely an occasion worth celebrating!

Here's a fun factoid though. The way the law is written in this state, because they were legally committed already, the moment they get their marriage license they are married. It's backdated in a way. Unlike FI and I, who have to get the license and then have an officiant do the honors, they are married because someone already officiated their union however many years ago.  

The benefit here is that they can go back and re-do federal taxes for benefits, but the side effect is that their guests at the ceremony won't actually "witness their wedding".  

Pfffft.  Oh well!  

Interesting.  Does it matter who officiated the ceremony?  Just because I can imagine some people used friends who weren't recognized as being legally able to perform a marriage since it wasn't a legal ceremony anyhow.  

thisismynickname2

mysticl said:

thisismynickname said:

Congrats!!

I know someone doing the same thing. They had a commitment ceremony several years ago and now are getting legally married with all the pomp and circumstance.  It's definitely an occasion worth celebrating!

Here's a fun factoid though. The way the law is written in this state, because they were legally committed already, the moment they get their marriage license they are married. It's backdated in a way. Unlike FI and I, who have to get the license and then have an officiant do the honors, they are married because someone already officiated their union however many years ago.  

The benefit here is that they can go back and re-do federal taxes for benefits, but the side effect is that their guests at the ceremony won't actually "witness their wedding".  

Pfffft.  Oh well!  

Interesting.  Does it matter who officiated the ceremony?  Just because I can imagine some people used friends who weren't recognized as being legally able to perform a marriage since it wasn't a legal ceremony anyhow.  

Good question. Honestly, I have no idea. In this person's case I believe they had a state-recognized civil union and that's why the law applies to them as I described.  

annathy03

aaustin0621 said:

Our vision is to rent a large home on the beach for a get-away weekend for our nearest and dearest that includes a ceremony and reception style party. We will not be registering for gifts or anything like that, but can I wear wedding dress...can we have another wedding cake...can my brother (who wasn't able to come to our first ceremony) walk me down the aisle (not give me away)?  I'd love to know your thoughts on what is appropriate here.  Thank you so much!

I think your vision is perfectly appropriate.  I might be a bit put off by a huge wedding, but celebrating your legal marriage with your nearest and dearest is definitely called for!

theartistformerlyknownas

I think maybe I would just call it a vow renewal rather than a "wedding" since you consider yourself married and had a wedding-type event where you said vows to each other before... but I see nothing wrong with the dress and your brother escorting you and the cake and everything else. 

princessleia22

kkitkat79 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I wouldn't side eye this at all. You weren't married, now you will be. Complaining about this is like whining about people in wheelchairs getting to cut the line at Disney when you are able bodied- rude!

The OP did disclose that she considered her partner to be her wife so I don't think you can say that they aren't married. I think it's ok to have a party to celebrate your new legal status, but I don't think a ceremony with vows would be appropriate unless you are renewing the ones you've said during your commitment ceremony. With respect to dress and the rest, go for it, it doesn't hurt anyone. Just don't pretend the person you called your wife all this time is no longer your wife.

 

 

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A legal wedding ceremony would generally require that they exchange vows, so they may not be able to eliminate vows from ceremony.  And after several years, I'm sure the vows would be similar, but not exactly the same, since they are re-confirming their commitment to each other after already considering themselves to be a married couple. 

 

Anyway, I think there may be some people who could side-eye it, since it is a second ceremony.  But it's still a first legal marriage and after all the waiting, it is definitely something that should be celebrated. I'm sure that the people who care most about you wouldn't fault you for wanting to celebrate this achievement and big step in your relationship. So, go ahead and have your wedding! Legally it will be first wedding, but otherwise it may be more similar to vow renewal ceremony, since you are already committed.  I think it is awesome that you are considering the etiquette and asking advice. The biggest fault with PPD's is that it is often a deception to the guests.  You aren't trying to deceive anyone.  You are just trying to celebrate an event that has been denied to you until now.  But, the biggest factors of etiquette are looking at how things affect your guests. Wearing a dress doesn't hurt anyone, so go for it.  If you received gifts at first wedding, don't register this time.  People may still give gifts though, regardless.  And you should never ask for financial contributions, but if they know the situation and still offer to help with this celebration, I don't see any problem with accepting.  But, it sounds like you are already taking those items into consideration, so I think you have it handled well. When in doubt, just ask yourself if it would negatively affect or inconvenience your guests. 

pbi9994

dragonavicious said:

I completely agree. A lot of times the people who have do-over weddings rushed into it legally because of financial benefits and then just want all the adoration and stuff they missed out on. This isn't the same. You were wrongly denied a marriage that I'm guessing you would have liked to do several years ago. 

The only thing I would say is, if anyone else helped you financially the first time around don't ask for any help this time (but yes to the dress and your brother! Why not?!) Also skip the shower (since you have already established a household) and maybe do a very small registry (since people will still want to get you gifts). 

I say go for it. 

This 100%

Anyone who would side-eye any of your choices to have a legal ceremony now that it is finally an option, and to celebrate with your friends and family is trying too hard to find something wrong with it.

When your celebrant says "I now pronounce you legally married," or whatever you want them to say, it will result in the biggest and best applause you've ever heard. Congratulations on finally getting legally married. I'm sorry it was a right that was denied to you for so long.

ohannabelle

Mmmm. I think no, with all respect @lolo883. Because here there was a small and intimate commitment ceremony, no wedding dress, etc. 

Which is now to be followed by a wedding. And yep, it's a wedding. Indisputably. It fits the definition of wedding in every sense of the word. So no reason to label it as a vow renewal. 

I think because of the actual civil rights violation, the question of whether or not you do a full ceremony or not should be the choice and personal taste of the couple involved. (I know a couple that had a very small commitment ceremony, and followed it with a smaller private legal ceremony as soon as WA made it legal. Their choice, their taste.) But the first was not really their choice. It was simply the only available choice society gave them.

I'm usually the last person to give a pass to repeat weddings, and I sure the hell don't want to denigrate the sincerity of anybody's commitment ceremony/marriage. But I don't see this as an etiquette violation, and how many bells and whistles are attached are simply personal taste, and personal taste is not disputable.

VulgarGirl

I say you're in the clear. You didn't get a legal wedding because you were denied one by the government. Not because you didn't want one. And now you can have one, so I say have at it!

aaustin0621

Thank you so much for all of the lovely support and encouragement!  Your advice and support have removed any etiquette concerns I may have had. I am so excited to begin planning the (legal) wedding to the woman I have loved for so long!  Much Love!

aaustin0621

This makes a lot of sense.  Thank you!

QueerFemme

lovesclimbing said:

If you had a wedding-style shindig at the commitment ceremony, I would probably side eye a little bit doing it a second time. There's another lady on here who did pretty much the exact thing it sounds like your doing. @‌queerfemme

We had our committment ceremony, with our friends and family present. when we got legally married, we went down to the courthouse and got married.  having another shindig felt way to PPD to me. 

ETA:   I also think it's sort of crappy to have a big redo.  I feel like, just because the state didn't allow us to be married at the time, we still got married and fuck them.  I considered ourselves married.  I was a wife the day we said our vows to each other in front of our family and friends.  Having a re-do would have felt like it cheapened the committment we made to each other on that day.

Now, I don't mean to imply that finally getting the legal right to marry wasn't a huge deal.  It was HUGE.  And my tax refund proved what a huge deal it was.  But, in our minds, the states just finally caught up to us and validated what we did the year before.  

QueerFemme

PS -  If you had a small, private committment ceremony originally, then I think a more lavish affair now wouldn't be completely inappropriate.  But, if you had a "wedding-like" event, I think having a re-do is a little funky, etiquette wise. 

You could do a vow renewal now, and make it legal. But vow renewals aren't re-dos and they are scaled back events. No wedding party, no big poofy dress, etc.    So, I guess my point is, my opinion on the etiquette of your upcoming event would depend on your previous event.

I love that queers can get married in so many states now. And I think many people are 100% on board with giving us an etiquette pass because we got screwed for so many years.  But, I think, just because we are being given a pass, doesn't mean we should take it.