Wedding Checking Account/Preventing Take Backs

ambernsutton

I'm getting ready to have the "money talk" with my parents and the mother of the groom. While I was brainstorming how to go about that, I thought about how we are going to pay for everything. I don't know if anyone has had experience with this, but I'd like to open a checking account for the wedding with a debit card. I know a lot of people recommend paying for your venue etc. with a card so that you have evidence in case anything were to go awry. I also like the convince of seeing the whole wedding budget in one place and being able to pay of expenses directly out of it with the debit card or a check. Another main reason I like this idea is, I'm worried about my future MIL "take backs."

Here's a quick snap shot of my situation: my parents are still together and want to help with no strings attached (pretty cool, right?). My MIL and I have a good relationship, we live in his hometown and spend a lot time with her. The problem is... she is very up and down. She has been diagnosed with some minor psychological issues, has been prescribed medication for it, but basically takes the medication when she feels like it... which is a BIG no no for your hormones. So her and my FI will get into huge blow up arguments where they don't speak for a week and they say they hate each other, they'll never speak to each other again, along with some things I shouldn't type out... you know, the whole 9 yards. Then some how things end up ok in the end and we move on with our lives. (FYI the father of the groom is out of the picture, wedding is September 2015, my FI and I have been together 3.5 years -  living together 2, and I don't know what the budget is yet)

My issue is, I don't want those arguments to throw a wrench in my planning. So my thinking is, if I set up a checking account all parties can view via online banking, she won't be as rash with her decision to "take back."

Any thoughts on the checking account and how banks are about that, or alternative methods of preventing take backs? Thanks in advance!

southernbelle0915

ambernsutton said:

I'm getting ready to have the "money talk" with my parents and the mother of the groom. While I was brainstorming how to go about that, I thought about how we are going to pay for everything. I don't know if anyone has had experience with this, but I'd like to open a checking account for the wedding with a debit card. I know a lot of people recommend paying for your venue etc. with a card so that you have evidence in case anything were to go awry. I also like the convince of seeing the whole wedding budget in one place and being able to pay of expenses directly out of it with the debit card or a check. Another main reason I like this idea is, I'm worried about my future MIL "take backs."

Here's a quick snap shot of my situation: my parents are still together and want to help with no strings attached (pretty cool, right?). My MIL and I have a good relationship, we live in his hometown and spend a lot time with her. The problem is... she is very up and down. She has been diagnosed with some minor psychological issues, has been prescribed medication for it, but basically takes the medication when she feels like it... which is a BIG no no for your hormones. So her and my FI will get into huge blow up arguments where they don't speak for a week and they say they hate each other, they'll never speak to each other again, along with some things I shouldn't type out... you know, the whole 9 yards. Then some how things end up ok in the end and we move on with our lives. (FYI the father of the groom is out of the picture, wedding is September 2015, my FI and I have been together 3.5 years -  living together 2, and I don't know what the budget is yet)

My issue is, I don't want those arguments to throw a wrench in my planning. So my thinking is, if I set up a checking account all parties can view via online banking, she won't be as rash with her decision to "take back."

Any thoughts on the checking account and how banks are about that, or alternative methods of preventing take backs? Thanks in advance!

Um, you know that no one is obligated to pay for your wedding except you, right? Do NOT ask your FMIL for money. If your parents have offered a no-strings-attached contribution, that's wonderful and more than most people get. 

If you want to open a checking account, go ahead, but that's no one's business except yours and your FH's.

ETA: Also - don't plan on any promised money. Only the money you have in your "hands". There was a thread a few weeks ago where a girl was canceling a TON of stuff and making all kinds of last minute arrangements because promised money never panned out..

AddieCake

Has she volunteered to contribute?

ETA: You should change your username. 

OliveOilsMom

You should never ask for money to pay for your own wedding.  Many couples pay for their own weddings 100% now.  So unless anyone has offered (and your parents did!), then don't ask someone to contribute to the wedding.  

The checking account is fine.  When you discuss with your parents, since they have offered already, tell them your idea and see how that goes.  My parents offered to pay for my reception and dress, but I know they would not have liked the checking account idea.  Also, it could be better to pay all deposits with a credit card, there is more protection for you than a debit card.  Just make sure you can immediately pay off that credit card statement.

Honestly, with the way your FMIL is, I would probably keep all wedding related stuff down to a minimum with her.  

[Deleted User]

If she's that volatile (and your FI is that easily triggered by her tantrums) it's probably better not to take any of her money at all (if she offers it - don't go laying out how much you THINK she should spend). Even if she doesn't have the ability to "take" the money back, here's what will happen:

1. She'll promise the money and it will simply never come
2. She'll give you money when she's up, and harass you constantly to withdraw that money and give it back when she's down.

Opening a checking account for the wedding is a great idea (We did it with our parents, and then used that same account for gift money and saving for the honeymoon before finally closing it), but it's not the solution to handling your FMIL. The best thing to do is to budget a wedding without her money at all, and then if she wants to help when she's up, give her a task that is small, quick to accomplish, and not very important to the wedding itself.


EDIT: And your FI really needs to work on his own reaction to her. She's constantly going on and off behavioral medication, what's his excuse? He needs to be better than her, if nothing else for the sake of his sanity.

BMoreBride6

I agree 100% with everything everyone says.  You do not bring up the money with her unless she specifically comes to you and says, "I'd like to contribute ____ amount to your wedding".  And at that point, you don't plan anything with it until you have it in hand.  Also, it seems at though her money will come with some strings attached (ie. she will give you money but then if she doesn't like something you picked out, you will hear about it).  It is wonderful your parents offered up their money no strings attached, but otherwise, anyone who is contributing will get a say in the decisions. 

ScoutF

I also wouldn't give everyone access to see the account. It's no one else's business who is chipping in and how much they are chipping in.

climbingsingle

Has your FMIL offered money? If not, do not bring this up to her. She's in no way obligated to pay for your wedding. You do not ask people for money. If you are two adults old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for your own wedding without begging relatives for help. 

BMoreBride6

ScoutF said:

I also wouldn't give everyone access to see the account. It's no one else's business who is chipping in and how much they are chipping in.

SITB

Actually, this is a good point.  If it were just an account between you and your parents or you and FMIL that would be one thing, but having all the parents privy to what the others are contributing could get messy fast.   

lennonkdc

First, and I can not stress this enough, no matter who offers what- plan a wedding that you can pay for on your own. You never know what can happen, and even if your parents have offered 'no strings'  right now, wedding planning can do strange things to people. 

Second, you never ask anyone to chip in unless they offer and even then don't count on the money until the bill is paid/the money is in your hands.

Third, as far as an account goes, FI and I have a savings account that we've used to pay for all wedding bills. We can transfer over the money to our checking account as needed. 

blabla89

Hey OP, I totally sympathize with you. My FMIL also has a psychiatric condition and is generally difficult to deal with. She recently threw a tantrum and when FI wouldn't put up with it, she threatened to withdraw the money FILs offered us for the wedding. We learned the hard way that you can't count on having money from anyone until it's in your bank account. We also learned that it's a bad idea to take money if it comes with strings attached, or if it's going to be treated like a bargaining chip for the giver to get their way. As the saying goes, "he who pays gets a say" and accepting money gives your FMIL a right to dictate some things about your wedding. Again, knowing that she's unstable, you probably don't want to put yourself in that position. So, you should plan the wedding that you can afford without any help from FMIL.

I'm not sure who you mean by "all parties" having access to see the online banking. It's a good idea to have a wedding account so that you and your FI can manage wedding expenses and see the balance online. However it sounds like you want your FMIL to be able to access it, which is a terrible idea. Inviting parents into your finances now, even if it's just for the wedding, sets a bad precedent. It's important to start setting boundaries before you're married. A more practical consideration is that giving her access to view your account may mean she's able to make changes, and could potentially take back her money on a whim.

mysticl

Do not give other people access to your bank account. No good ever comes of that. And it wouldn't prevent her from taking money back anyhow. If she has mental health issues the idea of other people seeing that she took money back isn't going to stop her.  And now she has the information to access the money and get it back herself.  

indianaalum

can already see the fun this thread will produce! LMAO. Prepare for a shitstorm of responsse.

delujm0

i agre with everything PPs have said...but want to add one more thing.

 

debit cards and credit cards are not the same.  a debit card is almost identical to using cash.  the process to "dispute" a claim on a debit card is much much more difficult (if it exists at all; that depends on the bank) than it is with a credit card company.  If you have a weird charge on your credit card, or your vendor is in breach of contract with an item you paid for with credit, you can often fairly easily get that money back.  When a debit card is used it is a much more difficult issue (especially because you lose the cash immediately - with a credit card they don't have access to take your cash unless you have already paid your bill in full).

 

a separate checking account is a good idea if you want to separate your funds.  But i'd suggest using a credit card to pay for large purchases (for any vendors that will accept that method of payment without additional fees).  if you don't already have one, get a card that offers Cash Back or FF Miles or something you would be able to use.  pay for items with that and then immediately pay the bill off with your cash from your checking account.

 

do note that a vast majority of my vendors accepted only cash/checks though.  so don't agree to anything if you don't have the necessary cash in your possession.  i think the only things we were able to use a credit card for were: the venue fees, the rentals, my dress/accesories, my husband's suit, wedding party gifts, and our hotel suite.  The caterer accepted cards but added a 3% fee we didn't want to pay for using one, so we paid cash.  The photographer, florist, DJ, cake baker, officiant, planner, etc did not accept cards at all.

aquietseason

To chime in as well - my FMIL is very similar (hormonal issues, doesn't consistantly take meds, goes on random hateful tears against my FI and then is OK the next week and asking why we didn't come over for dinner).

DO. NOT. TAKE. HER. MONEY.

Seriously. It's one of the only non-negotiable things we discussed when beginning to plan. For context - we're paying for like 95% of our wedding, my mom is paying for my dress (with the strings attached of course but I trust her), my dad will probably give a very generous cash gift @ the wedding but doesn't want to assist with planning since I don't want to have it in his backyard (which is fair and totally his right to do)

I kinda feel bad to not give them the opportunity to help which I know my FFIL wants to, but I can't plan and involve contracts and vendors for something so important and have to worry about her changing her mind 50,000 times over the next year. Plus the idea of giving her access to our money seems...unwise. Save yourself the stress! it will be worth it ten times over,  I feel. Plan what you can afford, and everything else will be cherry on top

mrsmagicgeek

As a possibly unrelated note, at one point I had a special savings account that my daughter's father was allowed to deposit into, but it was set up so that he was not allowed to withdraw.

ETA: that being said, I agree with PPs that taking money from her is not a good idea.

syoun1nj

delujm0 said:

i agre with everything PPs have said...but want to add one more thing.

 

debit cards and credit cards are not the same.  a debit card is almost identical to using cash.  the process to "dispute" a claim on a debit card is much much more difficult (if it exists at all; that depends on the bank) than it is with a credit card company.  If you have a weird charge on your credit card, or your vendor is in breach of contract with an item you paid for with credit, you can often fairly easily get that money back.  When a debit card is used it is a much more difficult issue (especially because you lose the cash immediately - with a credit card they don't have access to take your cash unless you have already paid your bill in full).

 

a separate checking account is a good idea if you want to separate your funds.  But i'd suggest using a credit card to pay for large purchases (for any vendors that will accept that method of payment without additional fees).  if you don't already have one, get a card that offers Cash Back or FF Miles or something you would be able to use.  pay for items with that and then immediately pay the bill off with your cash from your checking account.

 

do note that a vast majority of my vendors accepted only cash/checks though.  so don't agree to anything if you don't have the necessary cash in your possession.  i think the only things we were able to use a credit card for were: the venue fees, the rentals, my dress/accesories, my husband's suit, wedding party gifts, and our hotel suite.  The caterer accepted cards but added a 3% fee we didn't want to pay for using one, so we paid cash.  The photographer, florist, DJ, cake baker, officiant, planner, etc did not accept cards at all.

Echoing this. We had a savings account set up with ING (now CapOne360) for the wedding because they had the best interest rate. I then paid for everything that I could with my credit card, and paid the balance off immediately from the savings account. I had the protections of a credit card and the savings account so we could view the balance. A debit card has very little protection. 

I think all our vendors accepted credit cards except maybe the baker. I can't remember about the photographer.

mysticl

foundmymagicgeek said:

As a possibly unrelated note, at one point I had a special savings account that my daughter's father was allowed to deposit into, but it was set up so that he was not allowed to withdraw. ETA: that being said, I agree with PPs that taking money from her is not a good idea.

With online banking it's possible to set up electronic payments from an account that isn't yours provided you have the information. My name is not on the bank account that the majority of our bills are paid from (long story and there really is a valid reason for this) however, I am able to use it to pay my credit card bill every month (DH's name is not on the credit card). I just had to input the information once and now every month I just click on it. DH did not have to authorize anything. Obviously, I discuss with him how much we are going to pay towards it but I could totally see someone who is unstable set up an online payment and drain the account with one click before anyone realizes what has happened.  

STARMOON44

Trying to shame your future mil out of her mental health problems is really immature and won't work.

princessleia22

We set up a separate checking account to save & pay for our wedding. My husband has a full time and part time job and we set it up to direct deposit his part time paychecks into our wedding account for about a year prior to wedding. And anytime we got financial contributions from our parents, we deposited it to that account. We also took out a rewards credit card for wedding/honeymoon use. I used the credit card for most items, so I had the extra protection and it built up rewards. But, I did use the debit card directly at times also. But, we ended up with a few hundred in cash back rewards just from wedding expenses on the credit card. Then I just paid the credit card off from our wedding account after any purchases, so I wasn't paying interest on the purchases. It was very convenient to keep the wedding money separate. We now plan to use that account (and still have part time income deposited to it) for future savings and vacation fund. Although I think it is a great idea to open a separate wedding account, I would definitely suggest that you keep the access to just you and FI. Parents have no need to see every detail of your spending and it could cause a lot of issues. They could nitpick about every expense, disagree with some of your spending, and could make it more likely for them to take back funds. If you want them to have access to deposit money into the account, most banks will allow people to deposit into account even if they aren't on it. They just need to know account number. If you go into bank with deposit slip showing account number, they don't even ask name or ID. When I was away at college, my parents did that all the time to send me money... just added it to my account. I actually had ordered a book of deposit slips with my account number and sent it to them to use, so they didn't need to keep filling out the blank ones at the bank. So, they don't need to have access to view the account to help contribute to it. And if you want to share the details with them, you are welcome to, but it's less troublesome to do that during real discussion in person, rather than them just snooping into your account.

princessleia22

Hmm... sorry... that last post did have paragraphs when I wrote it... TK has been screwing that one up a lot lately.

lyndausvi

I would never count on money from you MIL.  That is just asking for trouble.  If she physically gives you something, great.  Put it in savings or the fund.   But do NOT budget that money in any way.

Setting up separate accounts is not a bad idea.  I just would not give that access to anyone else.

My parents did not give us any money.  They paid for the wedding, but did not give us personally one cent.  They paid everything out of their pocket.  If your parents are willing to give you "x" amount, great.   Just be prepared that some people are willing to pay for something, but not give the money directly to you to hold.

I do not think you can ever prevent take backs.   Financial situations change.  They just do.  

princessleia22

Also, if you are worried about problems resulting from FMIL contributing (ie: her taking back money), then you may be better off to just decline any financial help from her. It's not a good plan to be dependent on money that you may not have available. Or plan to pay for items yourself and if she want to contribute, have her pay vendors directly, so she knows that you don't actually have the money. If she didn't directly give you money, she may be less likely to demand it back.

loveislouder

Throwing out a few things here - if you're going to do a card situation, I would look into getting a credit card with a points program on it. 

My friend's parents sent him an email saying what do you expect us to pay for, and his FI sat them down to talk about it.  While FI said we expect nothing, but thank you (obviously paraphrasing), the parents still hold a grudge because it was none of the FI's business (apparently) about the e-mail.  So just keep that in mind that whenever money talks happen, it has to be between parents and their child.

Strawberry211chicago

@southernbelle0915 good call on the full quote. I expect this to get deleted and "closed" by the time I log back on. But OP, the PPs have hit the nail on the head. Also a good recommendation is to have your FI work on his relationship with his mother and worry about her health more than you are worried about her money.

lc07

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

lc07

missax said:

lc07 said:

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

The giver of the money is responsible to report it to the IRS & for the taxes but as long as it's under 14k this is not an issue. (this is the amount for 2013. I have no idea if it will go up or down for 2014)

Thanks! That makes sense. My dad graciously paid significantly more than that in 2011.

lyndausvi

missax said:

lc07 said:

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

The giver of the money is responsible to report it to the IRS & for the taxes but as long as it's under 14k this is not an issue. (this is the amount for 2013. I have no idea if it will go up or down for 2014)

It was $10K when I got married and that might have been part of the reason my parents didn't give us money, but paid themselves.  Not the whole reason, but I'm sure part of it as they are up-to-date on those types of things.

ambernsutton

Holy opinions batman!

Thank you to those who took the time to actually answer the questions I asked, you've given me some different viewpoints to reflect from. No thanks to the people who just like to type their opinions about my situation, but that's what you get here! 

Obviously not taking her money means not having her say in anything... easier said than done. She has already expressed that she wants to help with the wedding finances.

I will look into credit cards as well for the benefit of rewards points. 

And just a quick f you to "Starmoon44." I hold a BA in psychology, mentioning someone has psychological issues is not shaming them. The reason people are ashamed of their psychological issues is because people like you attach a stigma to even mentioning the condition. If you had any idea how those type of medications affect your synapses when you take them irregularly, maybe you'd realize why I mentioned it... ok done! 

[Deleted User]

Love the idea of opening a seperate account to put your wedding budget into. You're right, it's an easy way to see what your budget is that way. No taking away money from wedding to pay bills or taking bill money to pay for wedding. The one thing I disagree with is who needs to have access to it. The only ones that need to see the money in it is you and your FI.

In regards to MIL, if she gives you money, put it in the account but pretend it's not there. This way if she says she wants it back, you have it and it's not big deal. If you still have it come the week of your wedding, then think  of it as bonus money for your honeymoon, or get that last minute splurge you were dreaming of (like a night a very nice hotel for your wedding night). 

jenna8984

lyndausvi said:

missax said:

lc07 said:

I think there are also tax laws about gift money. Not sure about it. But when my dad offered to help he made the payments directly instead of giving me a huge lump of money because it would have created a taxable situation or something. I'm clearly not an expert but there's that to think about or research.

The giver of the money is responsible to report it to the IRS & for the taxes but as long as it's under 14k this is not an issue. (this is the amount for 2013. I have no idea if it will go up or down for 2014)

It was $10K when I got married and that might have been part of the reason my parents didn't give us money, but paid themselves.  Not the whole reason, but I'm sure part of it as they are up-to-date on those types of things.

Really? I do taxes (just my own and friends with basic returns, not professionally) and I didn't know about that. My dad handed me a check for 20k for my house downpayment (instead of wedding) years ago and we never claimed any such thing.