How do you divide chores and make sure they get done?

KeptInStitches

FI and I are running into problems making sure chores are divided and getting done. Part of this so far has been that our worlds have been chaotic (chaos ends tomorrow!) but it's already at a point where I'm going "I can't do all of this!" What's worked for you? I'm thinking about a chore chart on a whiteboard but it almost feels ... insulting.

doubleSS07

Early on we just sat down and made a list of all the household chores.  We each got a list and we basically noted what we liked or wanted to do ourselves, what we hated doing and what we were meh on.  Mostly it worked out that he was cool with things I disliked or was meh on and vise versa.  We both hate the bathroom so that one gets done the least and I usually just do it. 

There are times that I need to say "hey I need the trash out or I need the dishes done" but he's usually pretty good about it.  We had one rough patch where I felt like I was always having to ask and I just said "look it's this or that because I'm not doing both so we can get out the list again if you want to".  That seemed to solve the problem.

eilis1228

We basically did what @doubleSS07 did. We sat down, talked about things we hated doing, wouldn't mind doing, etc. I do the laundry, dust, and clean the bathrooms. He does the dishes, the floors, and the trash. If the dishes pile up, I'll politely ask him to clean them a bit more often, and if he needs laundry, he asks me to run a load. There are times where we both get really lazy about stuff, but we do our best to keep the chores evenly divided. 

ShallowSeas

We have designated areas that we clean. I clean the kitchen and bathroom and FI cleans the living room and dining room.  We clean the bedroom together. . FI takes the trash out. I make dinner every night. FI does the laundry. I fold and put it away, although he always helps.  FI handles all the dog/cat poop, pee, and vomit and he kills spiders I clean the cat's litter box.

justbeingme93

I would avoid that chore chart like the plague. However, having assigned chores is a must, but I would just talk about it with your FI. You could make a "game" out of it. Put the chores on pieces of paper in a hat, and you can each pick until all of them are gone. Then, you are allowed one or two trades. This is just off the top of my head. 

Blue & White

We pretty much do whatever we need to do.  But typically, H does more day to day cleaning/organizing (for deep cleans, we work together) and I do more cooking and grocery shopping/chores that need to be done during the day (this is primarily due to our work schedules.) 

The way we divide the chores is also due to our strengths - H is a natural organizer, while I am not.  I'm really good at killing germs, so I usually clean the bathrooms and kitchens.  I'm allergic to dust, so I let him dust and vacuum lol. 

Occasionally things don't get done and that's when we talk about it and do whatever needs to be done together.

loves2shop4shoes

We pretty much do whatever needs to get done.  DH will NEVER clean the bathroom.  I almost never vacuum.  DH usually cooks.  I'd say we're close to an even split on the laundry, trash, and cats.  DH usually cleans the kitchen.  I'll usually dust.

But there are times when I'm feeling super energetic (and vice versa), so I'll just do whatever.

KeptInStitches

@justbeingme93, we tried talking about it but it didn't help. That's why I'm thinking written/visual reminder, cell phone beeping, whatever it takes right now until we get a routine established. It's really important because his cat is more aromatic than mine, and the boxes aren't getting scooped regularly. It was one of the things he said he'd do, but he really doesn't let me do it either, so I'm in a bad place at the moment. Something more annoying that isn't me nagging him is totally needed.

phira

Chore chart is almost never the right way to go when you're living with a significant other. Not that it would never be a good idea, but it just ends up feeling very condescending to whoever didn't suggest it.

I think what might work best for you is to sit down and talk about what "clean" and "chores" mean to you. J and I had a lot of conflict for a while where both of us felt like the other person wasn't actually doing anything. In reality, it was that:

- J doesn't care about stuff like dusting or making the bed, and he'll do weird stuff like leave drawers open. He also doesn't care as much about cluttered surfaces, as long as the items on the surfaces "belong" in that particular room. So I felt like I was the only one who could REALLY clean the apartment because he'd just leave the bookshelves dusty, the bedroom would still look terrible, and there'd just be random crap everywhere.

- J was irritated because he would do 30ish minutes of straightening up/chores when he'd get home from work, and because he does the majority of the grocery shopping, which he feels is a chore that should be considered along with housework. Meanwhile, I was never home to see him straighten up when he got home (I get home later). And a lot of the clutter that irritated the shit out of me was ... mine.

- J and I have different cleaning styles. He prefers to do 30ish minutes of cleaning as soon as he gets home, and then he's done for the night. I prefer to come home and relax, and then put on a playlist and clean for 1-2 hours straight. So I'd get irritated when he wouldn't help me clean in the evenings, and he'd get irritated because I didn't acknowledge that he'd already done some cleaning.

Here's what we've worked out:

J is (almost always) responsible for: taking out the trash and recycling; doing the laundry and folding it; putting away his laundry; grocery shopping; cleaning the fish tank and the bird cage.

I am (almost always) responsible for: cleaning the bathroom; putting away my clothes; vacuuming and dusting; making the bed; cleaning the kitchen floor.

We share: cleaning the kitchen; dishes and the dishwasher; straightening up the living room.

J's chores are more frequent, but they're mostly things he can do within the 30 minutes of cleaning when he gets home. My chores happen (mostly) less frequently, but I don't need his help, and I can do them on my own time instead of when he's cleaning.

justbeingme93

KeptInStitches said:

@justbeingme93, we tried talking about it but it didn't help. That's why I'm thinking written/visual reminder, cell phone beeping, whatever it takes right now until we get a routine established. It's really important because his cat is more aromatic than mine, and the boxes aren't getting scooped regularly. It was one of the things he said he'd do, but he really doesn't let me do it either, so I'm in a bad place at the moment. Something more annoying that isn't me nagging him is totally needed.

I haven't looked through all of these apps, but you could give one or two a try. 

http://appadvice.com/appguides/show/chore-management

KeptInStitches

@justbeingme93, thanks for the list of apps! A few of those look really good - we'll have to look for Android versions or equivalents.

@phira, you're probably right that there's some lack of communication happening here, especially about chores and clean. I just need something that makes me feel like I'm not the only one who cares about them and that I'm not nagging him over the chores, something that makes me feel like we're partners in this.

@doubleSS07, I feel like we're in your rough patch. Perhaps having a written list of chores would help break us out of this. Thanks for the suggestion.

buddysmom80

We pretty much go with the flow of what needs to be done. FI handles a lot of the outdoor stuff, but I've chipped in too (mowing the lawn, weeding, etc). When we clean we usually divide and conquer. I'll clean the kitchen, mudroom/dining room and bedrooms. FI will clean the living room and bathroom. Whoever gets home first cooks and empties/loads the dishwasher. We both take care of the pets, it's usually like "oh it's 6pm, time to feed the dog, I'll do it while I'm up"

Blue & White

@phira your FI's cleaning style is mine. Your cleaning style is my husband's. lol. He has realized that I don't "deep clean" unless I'm off of work for the whole day. I need time to unwind after work!

Ollie08

I'm with the others. We just discuss what chores/cleaning we hate or like, and divided based on that. Every now and then when I notice that Q is falling off the bandwagon at cleaning, I'll jump in to do the dishes. It tends to happen to us both when our "chore" becomes overwhelming. Or I'll offer to help clean. It's often the whole "How do you eat an elephant?" One bite at a time. Sometimes he (or I) needs help getting started. 

That being said, I guess I feel kind of lucky that we have a chore chart that's being revised. But we also have the girls who are at a more than sufficient age to help out around the house. To make it feel like a more even playing field, we put our chores on the list with theirs. That way they don't feel like servants/slaves, and it helps to keep us accountable. 

I don't think this talk needs to be a huge discussion where you sit down with pen and paper. I'd consider casually bringing it up like "Hey FI, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the state of the house right now. Do you think we could maybe divvy up the chores to get back on track? I can't stand doing the dishes… What chore do you hate?" 

labro

I'm not a good example here. I usually get home from work and feel energetic so I like to start straightening up, doing dishes, taking out the garbage etc. As a result, I do the majority of housework. FI prefers to come home and relax before doing stuff. I don't like to nag FI to do it and I feel in my head that if I don't do it then it will never get done. I generally take care of the dog in the mornings because he isn't a morning person and he'll take the dog out for her evening potty breaks since he is more of a night person. He does the majority of the hard labor outside like mowing the lawn, digging up things, stuff like that although we also share outdoor chores too. I primarily pull weeds, and keep the bushes trimmed.

[Deleted User]

We definitely each had preferences for which chores we hated, and which ones we didn't mind. We discussed it shortly after moving in together while just hanging out on the couch. . . For instance, I actually enjoy the dishes cuz I love the feel of warm water, but I hate mowing the lawn. So if I notice the lawn hasn't been mowed in FOREVER, I will say "Hey, I'm about to start these dishes. Would you mind doing the lawn tonight? Then we can start making dinner right after that?" . . If you're already doing something maybe it will make him feel more obligated?

phira

@Blue ahaha that's so weird! I have no idea how you do it (or how J does it). One of the reasons I don't like straightening up when I get home is that I get into SUPER deep clean mode as I clean.

Swazzle

I handle most of the household chores but H also works 6 days a week to my 5. I do all of the actual cleaning. I cook and H does the dishes because I hate them. He starts the laundry and I'll fold it all because I don't mind that. We share pet responsibilities pretty much based on our work schedules. We take turns doing the kitty litter and then I'm on dog duty in the morning and afternoon during the week and on Saturday; H is on dog duty at night during the week and Saturday and all day Sunday.

morphemes

My partner and I divided it up based on what we like, similar to a lot of PP. He takes out the garbage and recycling, waters the plants, and cleans the bathrooms. I do the dishes, clean the kitchen and pay our bills. The other things that pop up (cleaning the bedroom, laundry, etc) we just divide up based on who has time. We divide the cooking evenly. He's also super supportive during finals, and always takes on additional chores when I have extra studying to do.

GoldenPenguin

buddysmom80 said:

We pretty much go with the flow of what needs to be done. FI handles a lot of the outdoor stuff, but I've chipped in too (mowing the lawn, weeding, etc). When we clean we usually divide and conquer. I'll clean the kitchen, mudroom/dining room and bedrooms. FI will clean the living room and bathroom. Whoever gets home first cooks and empties/loads the dishwasher. We both take care of the pets, it's usually like "oh it's 6pm, time to feed the dog, I'll do it while I'm up"

This is pretty much what we do, except we don't have an outside to take care of. 

We both clean the kitchen fairly regularly, and handle each of our bathrooms. We've been known to let the kitchen get out of control on occasion, so one of us will usually just scrub it from top to bottom after one of those instances. We take turns cooking. He has dog duty in the morning, and I have dog duty at night. I clean the litter box & make sure that monster is fed. All of the cat's stuff is in my bathroom, so I clean up after him when I clean the bathroom (which reminds me, my shower is GROSS and I need to clean it. UGH.)

We don't make the bed unless we're having company, and we both hate putting laundry away, so most of the time (aka always) my clothes are in a pile on the table in the master bedroom, and his clothes are in a pile on the bed in the guest bedroom. 

KeptInStitches

I think FI and I will sit down tonight/tomorrow and talk about what chore expectations were growing up, too - my family always had designated chore times and not doing that grates on me, but perhaps I need to make an adjustment that way.

I think maybe putting in all the chores in a phone app would help, too, because there seem to be some that divide the chores over a series of nights and we could then divide past that, adding in the not-regular chores. I don't really care who does it as long as 1.) I'm not doing it all and 2.) it actually gets done, so something like that could work in our favor.

I also am not apologizing for the rambling, run-on sentences because at least words are happening which is big today.

I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than I normally would, but it's been too long since things happened and it's been a stressful year (good things, but stressful) and that hasn't helped either. Thanks for the insight! I've enjoyed everyone's perspectives and hope that we can pull some things out of this to help our relationship.

BreMR

agh, I'm jealous of you ladies who have help around the house.  One of our biggest fights is how I feel like I'm always doing everything.  I do the dishes, I sweep, I cook, I wash our daughter's laundry... Since I've been back to work he has been cleaning the kitchen, but I don't think I have seen him with a broom or mop in years.

:-/  Maybe we need to do this chore division like you gals do..I've never thought of it.. if it's just assigned to a person it doesn't get done unless that person does it! I dig it.

jenna8984

Like @swazzle said, I work 5 days (at a desk) and FI works 6 days a week (hard labor). So I feel bad and take on most of the cleaning for him. It's nice because he works Saturdays so I do a deep clean and laundry that day. So 80% of the time I cook dinner, do dishes, laundry, wash floors, vacuum, bathrooms, litter box, take trash out. He helps whenever I ask him to, he's not lazy, I just don't mind taking it on since he works harder than me at his job. And he is in charge of everything outside the house like mowing the lawn.

[Deleted User]

I handle most of the indoor chores like laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, etc... and H handles the outdoor chores and taking the dog outside. We split up picking up poop and I will pull weeds and water the plants. H will every now and then help with the indoor chores but only if I'm occupied with other things.

It really doesn't bother me too much because I'm very particular about where things are placed and how things are cleaned so I'd rather just do it myself.

For example, yesterday H had to do the laundry while I was at work and I came home and there were still wet clothes in the dryer and the washer....for about 3 hours. I cringed when I saw it.

[Deleted User]

I got off work early yesterday because the dad stress was making me extremely unproductive. So I went home and got a crap ton of chores done that had been sitting around becoming bigger and bigger tasks. Thanks for the motivation, ladies!