How do I tell my dad?

[Deleted User]

When I was 12, my mom met my now step dad. About 6 months later my dad moved out of state. Since then, my mom and step dad have married and had two kids. I've seen my biological father four times. I hear from him once every few months and FI has only met him once (when were together for 6 months) 3.5 years ago. My step dad stepped up to the plate and at 22 took care of my sister and I like his own children. When visioning my wedding, I see my step dad walking me down the aisle and I have already asked him and he accepted. My biological father expects to be walking me down the aisle. I love him but how do I break this to him?

AddieCake

I would just tell him that you have chosen your stepfather because he is more active in your life.

LittlePeachBlossom

I agree with AddieCake. Keep it short and to the point.

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Addie.  I would do it very soon.  Just rip that bandaid off now, you will have a huge weight lifted off of you as soon as you tell him.

southernbelle0915

Ditto PPs. And this isn't a discussion - you're informing him of a decision. Keep that in mind if he pushes back.

KatieinBkln

southernbelle0915 said:

Ditto PPs. And this isn't a discussion - you're informing him of a decision. Keep that in mind if he pushes back.

This is worth repeating.

Even if you love your bio-dad very much, the fact that he IS your bio-dad is not an automatic invitation into your wedding. You're always welcome to include him in another way if you feel like it, but you're by no means required to.

loveislouder

DItto PPs.  But if you only hear from him once every few months, how do you know he expects to walk you down the aisle?

missdelilah

Love this forum!  Everyone has already given great responses before I even get around reading the original post.

In addition to what's been said, do you want your biological father at your wedding?  If yes, can you think of another way to honor him, such as having him say a prayer, or give a reading, so that he doesn't feel completely slighted?  It might be easier to deal with him if you do, but you're under no obligation to invite him at all, or to have him there as anything other than a regular guest, if you don't feel so inclined.

jenajjthr

This could be my daughter many years from now and I worry about this same scenario. I have no idea how your bio-dad is, but hers will create a shit-storm if she chooses her step-dad because her bio-dad fits a lot of the narcissist personality traits. Luckily I don't have to face this for a long time. 

First, bio-dad has no "right" to walk you down the aisle. It was tradition at one point when daughters legally belonged to their fathers and they were literally giving them off to their next legal guardian, the husband. Bio-dad does not own you, so he doesn't get to hand you off.

Second, how do you break it to him. Calmly and rationally. Easier said than done. If he is the type to fly off the handle than I would do this by phone. This way you can hang up if it gets nasty. If he isn't the type to get upset, than I would do it in person if possible. Just let him know that you have are having step-dad walk you down the aisle. Don't give reasons why. That just creates more hurt feelings. Unless he is a total moron, he'll probably know those reasons anyway. 

Third, don't compromise either if you don't want to. No, step-dad walks halfway, bio-dad walks halfway crap. That puts them on equal footing, when they really aren't. If you do want to give him some other honor, than do so, but don't do it out of pity. I have a distant, really distant, relationship with my bio-dad, and he came as a just a guest. That is okay. Don't let anybody force you into anything you are not 100% comfortable with.

lacielou1031

If you have made your decision, you just have to tell him. I'm sorry that you are in this position. Im not inviting my bio father at all and having my son (7 years old) walk me down the aisle. Could you walk with them both?

[Deleted User]

Could they both?? I have seen it and it's actually REALLY sweet

artbyallie

I don't see any reason you should walk with both if walking with your bio-dad is not going to be meaningful to you. It's absolutely your decision and no one else's.

libra44423

Up to you but the both idea isn't a bad one. I mean your biological dad is 50% of the reason you exist, but you also have good reason to not want him to escort you. In the end do what you want most.

artbyallie

Closing the zombie thread. Please do not post on threads that ended months ago.