How much $ to gift back when you cant attend their wedding? Please give input

hotgizmo

My hubby and I had a wedding last year. The gift we got were mostly cash, which came in handy and we made a chart for it to remember for upcoming weddings. Here is my question, 1) Couple gave us just about enough to our wedding cost. (I have to say our wedding did cost a lot, so they were on the generous side). However, we can't attend their wedding due to changes in our career, requiring us to be away. In this case, do we still give the same amount of $$ to them even though we are not attending the reception? Or a little less since we are not eating any food.? 2) Another couple that requires us to fly 4hrs. They did not attend ours, due to their work policy, and only gave us a registery gift through online. Does it look bad if I don't attend theirs, and only send them a gift similar value? The tickets are $500 pp and plus accommodation will cost us more than 1500 to attend + gift. Thanks,!

princessleia22

Gift shouldn't be determined based on what that person gifted you. Keeping track of typical gift amount may be a good idea, just to have an average gift amount in your area, but you shouldn't be determining it by: "XYZ gave me $100, so we owe them $100 gift, but ABC gave us a toaster, so we need to by them a similar toaster". And I don't think gift value should be determined based on covering plate cost. It's a wedding, not a business. We received everything from a $30 cutting board to $1000 check for our wedding gifts, with most being $100-200 range. You should give them what you think is an appropriate gift, based on local economy ($100 may be appropriate in some locals, but would be too little in other areas), and your relationship with them (its okay to give more to close friend or sibling than you would give to distant cousin). If you don't attend the wedding, a gift is not required. Honestly, even if you do attend, gift isn't really required. You should gift because you want to, not because you have to. You could show up with no gift. You could send gift and not attend. Whatever you choose. But, give what you feel is an appropriate wedding gift, based on your relationship with them and what you can afford, not based on what they gave you for your wedding.

holyguacamole79

Agree with PP.  Stop keeping score and give what you feel is appropriate.

MyNameIsNot

Your gift should have nothing to do with what they gave you or whether you are attending their wedding. A gift is not meant to be an admission price.

Give whatever you are comfortable giving, depending on your financial situation and how close you are with the couple.

mysticl

Trash that chart.

MNVegas

hotgizmo said:

My hubby and I had a wedding last year. The gift we got were mostly cash, which came in handy and we made a chart for it to remember for upcoming weddings. Here is my question, 1) Couple gave us just about enough to our wedding cost. (I have to say our wedding did cost a lot, so they were on the generous side). However, we can't attend their wedding due to changes in our career, requiring us to be away. In this case, do we still give the same amount of $$ to them even though we are not attending the reception? Or a little less since we are not eating any food.? 2) Another couple that requires us to fly 4hrs. They did not attend ours, due to their work policy, and only gave us a registery gift through online. Does it look bad if I don't attend theirs, and only send them a gift similar value? The tickets are $500 pp and plus accommodation will cost us more than 1500 to attend + gift. Thanks,!

You made a chart! If find that really bizarre. You should give what you feel comfortable with and not base your gift on what someone gave you or whether or not they attended your wedding or you are attending theirs. 

To the bolded: what do you mean they "only gave us a registry gift through online". You do realize they did not have to give you a gift at all. Your post makes you sound quite petty. 

hotgizmo

Hi all, I understand where you come from. In my culture, monetary gifts are probably the most gifts we give away. And keeping a chart is only to make sure we dont undergift back when its our turn to give. If you dont agree with this, I understand. Even though im not attending, i wanted to show support by gifting them, and since the couple is moving to a different country after the wedding, cash is the best way. I will gift accordingly.

LondonLisa

I was horrified by the chart and stopped reading when it got to "ONLY a registry gift".

My advice? Quit being so crass and vulgar about gifts. It is a ghastly trait. Give whatever gift you would like to give and quit judging your friends by what they can give you.

vmj23

From the people that didn't attend our wedding, only a couple even gave us a gift. I think whatever you feel comfortable giving is fine. I don't hold it against anyone that didn't give me a gift, nor did I expect one. I was surprised by the couple I did receive. I did have someone cancel the day of our wedding (a couple) who said they'd be mailing us a gift...never got it. I don't really care, I spent what I could afford on the wedding and didn't count on gifts to cover any costs, but I do think in that situation it would be appropriate to give something, since I paid for 2 people (@ $130pp) and they cancelled day of to leave for a trip a day earlier.

gothic_fairy60

hotgizmo said:

Hi all, I understand where you come from. In my culture, monetary gifts are probably the most gifts we give away. And keeping a chart is only to make sure we dont undergift back when its our turn to give. If you dont agree with this, I understand. Even though im not attending, i wanted to show support by gifting them, and since the couple is moving to a different country after the wedding, cash is the best way. I will gift accordingly.

So if I attended your wedding and only gave you a card because I am a full time college student who is not working, you will only give me a card when I get married because its fair?

That sounds a little less than fair. They are your friends and family, not a business transaction. A gift should be given in love and support of the marriage, not to reimburse them for their previous gift.

Knottie7109952

hotgizmo said:

Hi all, I understand where you come from. In my culture, monetary gifts are probably the most gifts we give away. And keeping a chart is only to make sure we dont undergift back when its our turn to give. If you dont agree with this, I understand. Even though im not attending, i wanted to show support by gifting them, and since the couple is moving to a different country after the wedding, cash is the best way. I will gift accordingly.

There is no such thing as 'undergifting' -- you give what you can afford based on your budget and your relationship with the couple. However, if you want to go into debt matching gifts that is  certainly your choice.