Bride doesn't want certain friends of groom invited - how to manage?

glassvisage

Hi everyone,
I am hoping to get some insight on a guest list matter. My fiance wants to invite a group of friends from his work to the wedding. I do not want them there on our special day, as honestly I think they are all jerks. I think they are rude to him and to me, and they have taken advantage of his kindness many times. They basically invited themselves to the wedding.
He and I are splitting the costs of the wedding, but it is to the point where I am willing to pay all of it to ensure they do not come. I am totally okay with telling them they are not invited, but the only thing holding me back is that my fiance feels they are truly his friends. I know I cannot tell him who his friends are, and I hold my tongue when he hangs out with them... But I really don't want them at the wedding, for this one day.
I'm pretty sure they'll end up coming, but I just wanted to see what you guys think.  Thank you for your input.

bethsmiles

I think you need to talk to your FI. Saying you'll pay for the whole wedding to get your way isn't a great way to start of a marriage. There are going to be a lot of times you need to compromise in life and your wedding day is really no exception. Have you told your FI how you feel about them? What does he say? How important is it to him to have them there? 

glassvisage

Thank you bethsmiles. I have talked to him about it and he does want them to be there. It's certainly selfish on my part because it makes me mad how they treat him and me. These are the only guests of his that I take issue with. I've considered how it would go if they did come, and the best scenario I can come up with is staying away from them at the wedding for the most part. I suppose it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it irks me how they have to be there when there are so many other people I would rather have there but I can't because of space restrictions :P

lyndausvi

deciding on paying for the whole wedding so your FI doesn't get a say in who he is allowed to invite to his own wedding is NOT the way to start out marriage.

I say suck it up. 

manateehugger

glassvisage said:

Hi everyone,
I am hoping to get some insight on a guest list matter. My fiance wants to invite a group of friends from his work to the wedding. I do not want them there on our special day, as honestly I think they are all jerks. I think they are rude to him and to me, and they have taken advantage of his kindness many times. They basically invited themselves to the wedding.
He and I are splitting the costs of the wedding, but it is to the point where I am willing to pay all of it to ensure they do not come. I am totally okay with telling them they are not invited, but the only thing holding me back is that my fiance feels they are truly his friends. I know I cannot tell him who his friends are, and I hold my tongue when he hangs out with them... But I really don't want them at the wedding, for this one day.
I'm pretty sure they'll end up coming, but I just wanted to see what you guys think.  Thank you for your input.

The bolded just confuses me; it sounds like you're going to pay your FI off to not invite these guys or somehow tell him, "No pay, no say," to him about his own wedding.

Anyway, I think this is a bigger issue than just the wedding, so I don't know if we can fix it for you except help you have a conversation with your fiance. Have you sat him down and explained that you think these guys are not nice people who take advantage of him? What does he say when you tell him the thought of these people at your wedding makes you anxious and unhappy? How are they rude to you?

FWIW my H invited a couple guys I seriously cannot stand to our wedding - I just think they're rude and immature. I had virtually no interaction with them except when they came through our receiving line. One gave us an obnoxious card, but I didn't see it until after the wedding. I was happy I let it go, because it made H happy to have that whole group of friends there and it didn't affect me and my wedding mood.

mysticl

glassvisage said:

Hi everyone,
I am hoping to get some insight on a guest list matter. My fiance wants to invite a group of friends from his work to the wedding. I do not want them there on our special day, as honestly I think they are all jerks. I think they are rude to him and to me, and they have taken advantage of his kindness many times. They basically invited themselves to the wedding.
He and I are splitting the costs of the wedding, but it is to the point where I am willing to pay all of it to ensure they do not come. I am totally okay with telling them they are not invited, but the only thing holding me back is that my fiance feels they are truly his friends. I know I cannot tell him who his friends are, and I hold my tongue when he hangs out with them... But I really don't want them at the wedding, for this one day.
I'm pretty sure they'll end up coming, but I just wanted to see what you guys think.  Thank you for your input.

How would you feel if he decided he didn't like some of your friends and so decided to pay for everything so he could tell you they weren't allowed to attend?  Or maybe he decided he could dictate what you eat because he pays for all the groceries, or pays for your clothes so he can dictate how you dress.  

You really don't want to start out a marriage with the precedent of whoever pays the bill gets total control over what happens.  

glassvisage

Thank you all - I appreciate the insight I didn't know I would get such quick feedback, that's great!

It seems the feedback is unanimous, but just to save a little face, these friends called my fiance and asked him when the wedding would be so they could mark their calendars (we hadn't sent the save-the-dates at that point yet). A couple of them were his roommates at one time and when he had to leave for military duty and he didn't have time to find someone to fill his lease, they didn't help to find someone new and instead had him pay for the months he was gone. They make critical remarks that I would say come across as more mean than joking, though my fiance doesn't seem t mind. And I've caught them rolling their eyes or sniggering at things I've said as well. 

My fiance said he wants them at his wedding because he doesn't want to burn bridges at work (as they are his coworkers...)... Sigh

It's true though that it's up to him to decide if they are friends or not, and at the wedding and in general, I will choose not to spend my time around them. Thanks again!

pinkshorts27

I'm not the biggest fan of some of FI's friends. Well, I like most of them, but there are some of them that get under my skin because we have similar personality traits. So I butt heads with them, I think they occasionally take advantage of him because he is super easy going and extremely nice, but he doesn't view it that way. Part of the reason that I love the man is that he would do so much for people. 

I would never dream of excluding his friends from the wedding because I respect him and I respect the choices that he makes. Life is about compromise and respect of the other person's wants and needs. Learn that now before you vow your lives to each other.

glassvisage

Well said pinkshorts. That sums up how I feel better than I could explain it. 

mysticl

glassvisage said:

Thank you all - I appreciate the insight I didn't know I would get such quick feedback, that's great!

It seems the feedback is unanimous, but just to save a little face, these friends called my fiance and asked him when the wedding would be so they could mark their calendars (we hadn't sent the save-the-dates at that point yet). A couple of them were his roommates at one time and when he had to leave for military duty and he didn't have time to find someone to fill his lease, they didn't help to find someone new and instead had him pay for the months he was gone. They make critical remarks that I would say come across as more mean than joking, though my fiance doesn't seem t mind. And I've caught them rolling their eyes or sniggering at things I've said as well. 

It's true though that it's up to him to decide if they are friends or not, and at the wedding and in general, I will choose not to spend my time around them.

First bold: I get that can be annoying but if they are good friends it's not a stretch to expect an invite and want to make plans to attend.  

Second bold: Did your FI have a military clause in his lease?  Had they agreed that when he left he wouldn't be responsible for his share of the rent?  My husband is career military so I just ran this by him.  He doesn't see how the friends did anything wrong. He always paid his rent when he was deployed and did not expect his roommates to take on that expense or find someone to take over the lease for him.  

glassvisage

Thanks mysticl. You're right, it wasn't the wrong thing for his roommates to do as per the agreement, but as friends my fiance had asked them to help find a new roommate because he was low on money at that point, and the roommates just chose not to... in my mind, a bad thing for friends to do, but apparently that's just my perspective

manateehugger

mysticl said:

glassvisage said:

Thank you all - I appreciate the insight I didn't know I would get such quick feedback, that's great!

It seems the feedback is unanimous, but just to save a little face, these friends called my fiance and asked him when the wedding would be so they could mark their calendars (we hadn't sent the save-the-dates at that point yet). A couple of them were his roommates at one time and when he had to leave for military duty and he didn't have time to find someone to fill his lease, they didn't help to find someone new and instead had him pay for the months he was gone. They make critical remarks that I would say come across as more mean than joking, though my fiance doesn't seem t mind. And I've caught them rolling their eyes or sniggering at things I've said as well. 

It's true though that it's up to him to decide if they are friends or not, and at the wedding and in general, I will choose not to spend my time around them.

First bold: I get that can be annoying but if they are good friends it's not a stretch to expect an invite and want to make plans to attend.  

Second bold: Did your FI have a military clause in his lease?  Had they agreed that when he left he wouldn't be responsible for his share of the rent?  My husband is career military so I just ran this by him.  He doesn't see how the friends did anything wrong. He always paid his rent when he was deployed and did not expect his roommates to take on that expense or find someone to take over the lease for him.  

Yeah, H is Army and ditto this.

Also, just in general, I have moved around a lot in the past four years (without H) and end up subletting a ton. I would never have expected my roommates to help me fill my spot or give me a pass on paying rent. If I'm the one trying to get out of the lease, it's my responsibility.

glassvisage

Unfortunately he couldn't find someone on his own because the military informed him that he needed to leave the next day, and while he didn't expect them to find someone on their own, he hoped they might make some effort when he asked them pointedly since he was low on money at that point. 

Trust me, I'm not saying these things because it's just my reaction to these actions, but my fiance's - he was disappointed by this and expressed it to me, but again feels the need to invite them and be friends since he wants to keep good connections at his work. So it's hard for me to put aside the feelings he has expressed to me about them, and welcome them to the wedding. He has really good friends from the military who have really gone above and beyond to help him when he needed it, and of course they didn't have to, there was nothing in written agreements or anything that forced them to, but they just did, and they make him happy, and I see them as good friends.

CMGragain

So, you think it is your job to choose your FI's friends?  This is his wedding, too.   Honestly, I think you better forget about wedding planning and get some counseling to find out why you feel the need to be so controlling.  Sheesh!

climbingsingle

lyndausvi said:

deciding on paying for the whole wedding so your FI doesn't get a say in who he is allowed to invite to his own wedding is NOT the way to start out marriage.

I say suck it up. 

I agree with this. 

glassvisage

Thanks for commenting CMG, but no, I do not. I asked for help on this forum because I wanted to know what to do about this one event, and we only get one wedding. I posted on here because I felt weddings should be about having special people around you and I wanted help trying to do the right thing. I never said anything about keeping them from being his friends - they hang out all the time and I don't try to stop them.

I'm certainly not going to pay for the whole wedding to get sole control of the guest list - I was making that statement to make a point of how much I don't like them. I'm sorry if I did not make that clear that it was an exaggeration.

I have been surprised by some of the comments I have gotten to this one question, from people who do not know me but make pretty strong comments about my relationship with my fiance rather than making suggestions regarding my original question. Some of the comments have been grounding and made me realize what I need to do, which is good. A lot of the questions and comments have seemed somewhat irrelevant with sweeping generalizations. Of course we're all welcome to our opinions here, and I appreciate those who actually tried to help me with my question, but I ask in the future, maybe others refrain from those type of comments in other threads, like to get counseling. They can be really damaging unnecessarily when we don't know the full situations of the people we're talking to. This is supposed to be a helpful, happy place. I've noticed these types of comments on other threads too.

My fiance understands where I'm coming from, and we've talked about this, and we love each other, and we are getting married. I had just wanted an outside opinion on the matter on the table from you guys since I figured others must have had fiance's guests they didn't like but dealt with it too. Thanks to those who shared that advice.

JellyBean52513

OP, I think PP's hit all the points and I just want to express that I totally know how you feel. My SO has life-long friends that he too is in business with, and all too often I see him getting frustrated with them for not pulling their weight/calling him with last-minute things/etc., but these are the guys he would put his life on the line for. As for the rude comments/generally annoying behavior, yup he's got a few of those too lol I've learned to let their annoyingness roll off my back, since they're his friends and I can't do anything about that. I've come to accept them as annoying brothers lol.

As for the comment about you needing counseling... that was uncalled for. Your initial resolution to the problem definitely came across as controlling, but it sounds like you got some perspective and are on the right track.

sarahufl

lyndausvi said:

deciding on paying for the whole wedding so your FI doesn't get a say in who he is allowed to invite to his own wedding is NOT the way to start out marriage.

I say suck it up. 

Pretty much this. I dont know how you are handling finances once you get married, but we combined ours. So it doesn't really matter WHO paid for it now.

novella1186

The ladies on these message boards can get pretty serious. I think it's hard to read sarcasm or exaggeration in a post, so it's really easy to take every word you say literally, and some people are going to have very strong negative reactions to that. Don't worry about it. In answer to your original issue, I don't like some of my FI's friends either. I think they can be rude and annoying. But the wedding is HIS one special day too, and I would never want him to look back on it and feel bad that he didn't get to invite certain people. I just ignore the rude comments or laugh at them, depending on what mood I'm in lol. Just avoid them at your wedding, which will be easy cuz there will be so many people around wanting to talk to you. If they act like jerks, they're only making themselves look bad. If you purposely do not include them because of your own personal feelings toward them even though your FI wants to include them, you make yourself look bad. Don't let this situation get to you. I think it's something many of us have to deal with, but you don't need to let it be a big issue.

mysticl

glassvisage said:

Unfortunately he couldn't find someone on his own because the military informed him that he needed to leave the next day, and while he didn't expect them to find someone on their own, he hoped they might make some effort when he asked them pointedly since he was low on money at that point. 

Trust me, I'm not saying these things because it's just my reaction to these actions, but my fiance's - he was disappointed by this and expressed it to me, but again feels the need to invite them and be friends since he wants to keep good connections at his work. So it's hard for me to put aside the feelings he has expressed to me about them, and welcome them to the wedding. He has really good friends from the military who have really gone above and beyond to help him when he needed it, and of course they didn't have to, there was nothing in written agreements or anything that forced them to, but they just did, and they make him happy, and I see them as good friends.

But he obviously decided to not let it be a friendship ending situation.  People get disappointed in their friends, heck, they get downright angry at their friends but they stay friends.  I get you being annoyed on his part but since he has apparently decided to let it go you need to do that to.  He shared his feelings with you because he trusted you and needed someone to talk to about something that was upsetting him.  I doubt he intended for you to hold a grudge.  

Jen4948

My now ex-BF and I talked about getting married and we talked about which friends of his we would invite, not just to the wedding, but to other occasions we planned to throw as well.

My x-BF has friends I don't like (and I suspect he doesn't like some of my friends).  That said, I would never have told him not to invite them unless they really, really crossed the line (and I would not be friends with anyone who crossed the line with him).  By "really, really crossed the line," I mean engaging in violence, other criminal acts, threatening the safety of others, stealing, hitting on each other, or substance abuse.  But it doesn't appear that your FI's friend's do any of those things.   I can understand not wanting to invite people who snigger at you and make snide remarks, and I'd tell your FI to tell his friends to cut it out.  I think you can even get away with having a DOC tell them to cut it out on pain of being asked to leave.  But if that's all they do, then I'd still invite them.

NYCMercedes

glassvisage said:

Thanks for commenting CMG, but no, I do not. I asked for help on this forum because I wanted to know what to do about this one event, and we only get one wedding. I posted on here because I felt weddings should be about having special people around you and I wanted help trying to do the right thing. I never said anything about keeping them from being his friends - they hang out all the time and I don't try to stop them. I'm certainly not going to pay for the whole wedding to get sole control of the guest list - I was making that statement to make a point of how much I don't like them. I'm sorry if I did not make that clear that it was an exaggeration. I have been surprised by some of the comments I have gotten to this one question, from people who do not know me but make pretty strong comments about my relationship with my fiance rather than making suggestions regarding my original question. Some of the comments have been grounding and made me realize what I need to do, which is good. A lot of the questions and comments have seemed somewhat irrelevant with sweeping generalizations. Of course we're all welcome to our opinions here, and I appreciate those who actually tried to help me with my question, but I ask in the future, maybe others refrain from those type of comments in other threads, like to get counseling. They can be really damaging unnecessarily when we don't know the full situations of the people we're talking to. This is supposed to be a helpful, happy place. I've noticed these types of comments on other threads too. My fiance understands where I'm coming from, and we've talked about this, and we love each other, and we are getting married. I had just wanted an outside opinion on the matter on the table from you guys since I figured others must have had fiance's guests they didn't like but dealt with it too. Thanks to those who shared that advice.

Your post re the "one event" came across as indicating there ARE at least two fundamental issues in your relationship that should be addressed with counseling. Counseling can be as simple as a session or two. 

How could we understood your post other than as it was written? I missed that hint of exaggeration. 

Every poster actually tried to help you, and, yes, posters are entitled to give you advice not knowing the full situation, because we only have the knowledge you chose to share with us. Do you see, as everybody else did, how what you wrote made you seem? 

Oh, and btw, indicating how and what others write in response to your facts is basically telling adults what to say. This is indeed, controlling.

eta, paragraphs

holyguacamole79

OP, let me also reassure you. There were family friends that we invited to the wedding that I'm not a huge fan of. We saw them briefly during the table visits, and that was it. I'm sure your wedding will be great!

cupcait927

sarahbear31 said:

OP, let me also reassure you. There were family friends that we invited to the wedding that I'm not a huge fan of. We saw them briefly during the table visits, and that was it. I'm sure your wedding will be great!

^^ This. I haven't had my wedding yet but FI and I are inviting a couple friend of his and the wife has been nothing but nasty to me since FI and I started dating (she's was quite fond of his ex). I REALLY don't want her there but it's important to my FI and while he is certainly in my corner when it comes to her behavhior, he, like your FI, doesn't want to burn bridges. You won't have to spend the whole evening with these guys, just a quick hi and thanks for coming. I know it's hard thinking about having people you don't like at your wedding but it really will be okay (no snark, I promise).

danamw

It's normal for each of you to have people the other doesn't care for. The real nitty gritty is, how do these guys behave at an event such as a wedding? Do they sit and interact appropriately, and you just don't like them? Or would they get crazy drunk, fall into the wedding cake, photobomb every picture, and hit on your mother? Let that be a factor.

PrettyGirlLost

danamw said:

It's normal for each of you to have people the other doesn't care for. The real nitty gritty is, how do these guys behave at an event such as a wedding? Do they sit and interact appropriately, and you just don't like them? Or would they get crazy drunk, fall into the wedding cake, photobomb every picture, and hit on your mother? Let that be a factor.

Even if they act like the complete and utter assholes you described, if they are her FI's friends, and he wants them to be there, and he doesn't care that they act like complete and utter assholes, and he and the OP are paying for the wedding together, well then he should be able to invite them.

I'm not going to use the term "allowed" with respect to grown ass adults associating with people they chose to associate with.

glassvisage

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses and helpful advice. I talked it over further with my fiance and we compromised where those guests will be attending the reception but not the ceremony. It is more important to him that they be present for the revelry.

And of course there's nothing wrong with counseling - my fiance and I have gone through our premarital sessions. I just think there is a place, time and manner to recommend something like that.

Thank you to those who tried to be honest but kind. As we know, it's certainly not necessary for posting on these forums, but it is much appreciated by brides-to-be like me on the Knot who are stressed, trying to do the right thing, wording things as carefully as possible and without any hostility... but still wants her "perfect" wedding day Happy weekend!

wrigleyville

No. Not okay. You can't invite people to one part but not the other. Telling them they can't see you get married, the entire point of the day, is just as rude as not inviting them at all.

manateehugger

glassvisage said:

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses and helpful advice. I talked it over further with my fiance and we compromised where those guests will be attending the reception but not the ceremony. It was more important to him that they be present for the revelry. Thanks to those who tried to be honest but kind. As we've seen, it's certainly not necessary for posting on these forums, but it is much appreciated by brides-to-be like me on the Knot who are stressed, trying to do the right thing, wording things as carefully as possible and without any hostility... but still wants her "perfect" wedding day Happy weekend!

Ummm... unless you are having a private ceremony (like immediate family and wedding party only) and a large reception afterwards, this is a really terrible idea and a faux pas. It'll make you look like a jerk, even if you aren't. Besides, you'll have even LESS chance of interaction during the ceremony than the reception. 

mysticl

Your plan has the potential to send the message that they are only being invited for the gift they are going to give you. The wedding is the purpose of the day and excluding them from it could be seen as a slight.

MNVegas

glassvisage said:

Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses and helpful advice. I talked it over further with my fiance and we compromised where those guests will be attending the reception but not the ceremony. It was more important to him that they be present for the revelry. Thanks to those who tried to be honest but kind. As we've seen, it's certainly not necessary for posting on these forums, but it is much appreciated by brides-to-be like me on the Knot who are stressed, trying to do the right thing, wording things as carefully as possible and without any hostility... but still wants her "perfect" wedding day Happy weekend!

This really is not appropriate. It would be quite rude to invite your FI's friend to only the reception. Just as it is against etiquette to invite people to ceremony then not reception, it is also against etiquette to invite some guests to only reception and not ceremony. 

Again even though you do not like your FI's friends they really need to be treated the same as your other guests. Once again it seems like you are trying to be controlling and disrespectful to your FI's friends. Perhaps this is one of the reasons for their attitude toward you.