NER: What the heck do I do?

MNVegas

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

Yes.

SITB:

Did you bring your child to the US to meet this guy during your week or did you just come by yourself?

lilacck28

Time is not irrelevant. You CAN fall in love as quickly as you have. I did! Fiance told me he loved me after TWO WEEKS of dating! (of course, we saw each other nearly every day. ) I think a lot of people have fallen in love quickly! But deciding to marry someone and uproot your child's life with a few months of talking/dating and one week of seeing that person... in person... makes the time relevant. You learn a lot more about a person you love, or think you love, after a few years of dating. You know if the relationship will work when you experience how they relate to other people and how they handle everyday, mundane life. Those things are important! And they ONLY come with time. You can certainly be right about a person after dating for 4 months, but once you have a child to consider... you need to be cautious. 

laceykeo

MNVegas said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

MNVegas said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

Yes.

SITB:

Did you bring your child to the US to meet this guy during your week or did you just come by yourself?

OMG myself. I know y'all think I'm a crazy mother with no concern for her child's well being, safety or security but please give me a little credit.

Due to the nature of work my ex and I are in, our son meets new people every day, however...
Just no.

jules3964

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I agree with a lot of what PPs have said. Scribe brings up some really great points too. 

I do have to say though that FI and I got engaged after 5 months. I don't think it's totally off the wall to know after that period of time that you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. However, we lived in the same county and there are no children involved. 

Thank you for at least being someone who can see the time is irrelevant. The distance... Now that's an issue and I understand that. The children... That's just a whole new league altogether.

5 months together living in the same county, and 4 months together long-distance (with only a week of actually being in each other's presence) is not at all the same. A week is a vacation. You need to spend some day-to-day living time with this person before you even consider uprooting your son's life. Time is very relevant when you have a son to think about. 

thelastdreamer

Mother of lamb chops. You've only been together in person a WEEK? I now second whoever said, in all seriousness, that you need professional therapy. There is no way you should be thinking about uprooting your kid, moving across the world and marrying a guy you met on the internet and have spend a grand total of one week with.

lilacck28

thelastdreamer said:

Mother of lamb chops. You've only been together in person a WEEK? I now second whoever said, in all seriousness, that you need professional therapy. There is no way you should be thinking about uprooting your kid, moving across the world and marrying a guy you met on the internet and have spend a grand total of one week with.

STUCK IN BOX

But we don't know how they met! I'm still waiting to hear back from OP about many of the questions that we have asked. 

And OP-- we are not assuming you are a terrible mother. I think a terrible mother would uproot her child without questioning that. I think it's great you've asked for advice, I just hope you take it. But the advice we've offerred, as you've noted, is only based on limited information. More context would help. 

lilacck28

NVM. I just read the weddingbee post. Online meet up status confirmed. The fact that you didn't meet on a dating site seems even fishier to me... I don't know why.

PrettyGirlLost

Questions asked by other OPs that are as of yet unanswered:

1. Why did you break up with your son's father?

2. How did you meet your current bf (FI?)? It doesn't sound like it was through a business trip or anything so... was it  online? I don't really understand how or why you entered into a relationship with someone from another country when you had a son and therefore an important foundation in the UK.

3. Have you discussed this at all with the Dad??  Does he know anything about your new relationship or any of the ideas you're having?

4. How does your boyfriend's custody of his children work?  Do they live in the same town and see each other every week?  Do they live farther away from him and only see him for holidays/summers?

5. If you're so sure you're getting married anyway, what's the harm in waiting until the girls are out of the house and he can move to England with you?

tammym1001

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

Yes.

SITB:

Did you bring your child to the US to meet this guy during your week or did you just come by yourself?

OMG myself. I know y'all think I'm a crazy mother with no concern for her child's well being, safety or security but please give me a little credit. Due to the nature of work my ex and I are in, our son meets new people every day, however... Just no.

STIB:

So you're considering uprooting your child and moving him to another country away from his father to live with a man that he has never even met before? That's insane. I understand you are in love, but your son's father is going to end up with full custody of your son if you try to enact this insane plan and I think he would deserve to have it. 

JaxInBlue

Oh dear.  You've only had one week in person?  One week, which I'm assuming was more vacation than 9-to-5, where you were both your best selves, totally caught up in the emotional high of finally being together in person?

That's not enough when there are kids involved.  I get falling head-over-heels and being serious quickly; I knew DH was in a matter of days after our first date; a few months later, I was willing to risk a 15 hour move not to have a long distance relationship.  But I was at an age where being stupid and risky for love was okay because the only people that might get hurt in everything where the two of us.  There were no kids involved in the decision making.

I really think that instead of figuring out what you do to bring yourselves together, you need to take PPs advice to get yourself some counseling.  You need to process your previous relationship, understand what went wrong, and explore why a four-month old relationship with such a limited in-person contact seems like the best next step.  That means stopping the wedding plan, the visa inquiries, the determination to make this work.  There's knowing it's right and there's stubbornness to make it right because it's different than what you had and hasn't had the chance to feel bad yet.

If therapy helps determine the relationship is a positive force, then you and he need to test-drive being in each others' real lives.  Not vacation mode, not finally so happy to be together.  You need to live with each other while you each go to work, while the children are around, while there are custody transitions.  And you need to consider, together and alone, what happens if something goes wrong.  What happens if his job changes?  What if you can't find work?  What if, after a period, custody agreements have to or need to change?  What are your responsibilities to each other if one of you has moved and the relationship ends?

In all honesty, I want to say that you should, at the very least, dial down the pace of this relationship while you figure YOU out.  Talk to someone and get some perspective.  But pause the consideration of marriage and of moving until you've known each other longer and addressed some of the very real and serious challenges you have in front of you in ways that don't end with "we'll just figure it out."

laceykeo

lilacck28 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

MNVegas said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

Yes.

?????? 

More context please. I'm so confused. What is the relationship timeline you have discussed? And how did you meet? And how do you stay in contact? And what were the circumstances of breaking up with your son's father? 

I'm not understanding the first question, I'm sorry, so Ima take a stab at that one, and assume you mean when are FI and I talking of this actually taking place.
If that's the case... We're looking at maybe 18 months before I move out there, and a year or so after that, getting married.

We met online. On a game app.

We use a chat app to message throughout the day, and FaceTime every night.

My ex and I were together just under eight years. About five years ago, something changed. I never did know what, but he became a different person over the space of about a week. It was like he got some monumental bad news or something that shook him to his core, but try as I might, I never knew what, or if that even happened.
Things kinda went bad from there. We had odd glimmering moments of happy, but that was the start of the end.
I found out I was pregnant. A surprise, since I had been on the injection for about two years.
Against the odds, that brought us together.
About a year ago, the strain started to come back.
About three months after that, I commented to him about how much DS had changed, and seemed really miserable and confused and acting-up-y over the last week. He said he'd noticed it too, and that led to how no matter what we hid from DS, he could still sense the atmosphere, and that for his happiness, we were better removing that atmosphere than trying to fight on as a unit on false unity. So we split. DS is now his happy smiley self, and we know we made the right choice.
We now have the odd occasion where one of us will meet the other from work, we'll walk DS home through the park and spend half hour with him as a family. He'll then drop either me alone or me and DS back to mine, depending on which day it is, and go home himself.

sarawifenow

Yep...I still think this is total MUD. You go to numerous wedding boards, post the same scenario yet leave out very important details here, then you post it on one of the boards known to have drama? And then you won't answer questions. MUD MUD MUD!

mysticl

wrongsideoftheocean said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

Wait a minute did OP actually confirm that she only spent one week with this "FI" in person?

Yes.

SITB:

Did you bring your child to the US to meet this guy during your week or did you just come by yourself?

OMG myself. I know y'all think I'm a crazy mother with no concern for her child's well being, safety or security but please give me a little credit. Due to the nature of work my ex and I are in, our son meets new people every day, however... Just no.

The point is that your son has never met this man and this man has never met your son.  You were absolutely right to not take your son with you on this trip.  However, you have no idea how they will get along.  Did you meet his daughters?  Do you actually have any idea how he interacts with children?  

My parents split up when I was almost 12.  My mom started dating a man when I was about 12/13.  She did not marry him until I was almost 19 and out of the house.  And he lived in the same school district as us.  But she did not change my life any more than it had already been changed.  

Life is not a Beetles song.  Love is not all you need.  

MNVegas

OP, trust me when I say I am NOT trying to be mean to you. I was a single mom during most of my son's childhood so I know how lonely it is and how hard it is. My son's father was not even in his life. I know what it is like to work long hours and not have much free time or money. I worked two and three jobs to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. I know what it is like to have a relationship fall apart and find yourself alone raising a child. Trust me I can empathize with you.

One thing I made damn sure of was that my son was my #1 priority. When I dated someone when my son was young I made sure I knew them very well before I introduced them to my son. A one week fling would not have been considered knowing someone very well. Yes you can fall in love with someone after a short time but you cannot get to know someone in just one week of vacation time. 

I met my DH online so I have no issue with that but I met many men online before DH and I cannot tell you how many of them were phony and complete liars. You spent one week with this man. Trust me you do not know him at all.

For both your own sake and especially your son's sake, think long and hard before make a decision. At this point you really have no idea of what is awaiting you. Do you really want to put your son in that kind of situation?

laceykeo

I'm catching up to questions as quick as I can guys, I'm sorry... I know there's a lot more unfolding and a lot of stuff I've missed from being in work, I can only navigate so fast and type so quick. As I said before, it's in my best interests to be open about all this, I'm trying, I am here.

southernbelle0915

tammym1001 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

OMG myself. I know y'all think I'm a crazy mother with no concern for her child's well being, safety or security but please give me a little credit. Due to the nature of work my ex and I are in, our son meets new people every day, however... Just no.

STIB:

So you're considering uprooting your child and moving him to another country away from his father to live with a man that he has never even met before? That's insane. I understand you are in love, but your son's father is going to end up with full custody of your son if you try to enact this insane plan and I think he would deserve to have it. 

This. All of it. 

If I'm the father of this kid, there's no way on God's green earth I'm sending my son to another country for 6 months out of the year to live with you and your anonymous internet boyfriend of 4 months (not mean, but that's how I'd look at it). I'd make you fight me in court. If you take this to court, I'm guessing the judge will probably see you as acting crazypants for wanting to uproot your son's life so you could go live with some internet guy who you only met in person for 7 days. 

I would stop spending your interwebz time asking questions like this on wedding forums and start spending some time looking into local lawyers and counselors. I would set up an appointment with a counselor to serve as a professional, objective 3rd party. And if you go through with this, you're going to need a good lawyer.

sarawifenow

wrongsideoftheocean said:

I'm catching up to questions as quick as I can guys, I'm sorry... I know there's a lot more unfolding and a lot of stuff I've missed from being in work, I can only navigate so fast and type so quick. As I said before, it's in my best interests to be open about all this, I'm trying, I am here.

Instead of typing this response for about the 2nd or 3rd time, why don't you just type the answers to the questions? @PrettyGirlLost put them in a nice list for you.

lilacck28

by relationship timeline I meant, when have you talked about getting married? and move to the US to be with him? Do you plan to get engaged after dating for a year, and then plan a wedding? Or are you planning a wedding right now to happen in a few months?

You said 18 months... so, continue as you are for a year and a half, and by then move to the US and start planning the wedding for the next year? Okay. I think it makes more sense to continue as you are for a year and half, and THEN think about possibly moving to the US. 

 Does your US guy know that he may need to help raise a toddler? And do you plan to help raise his daughters? What do your exes think? 

I'm mostly wondering what you guys have actually discussed besides "AHHH LOVE!" 

And, not to put a damper on all this but... how do you really know this guy is not an abusive asshole? I mean, he wants to isolate you buy having you move to the US. Or what if he is a child abuser? Or, perhaps more likely than these two exapmples (which I ABSOLUTELY think you need to consider, as nice and great as that week was, since you have a child), what if he is just not a good person around kids, or your parenting styles don't click? 

laceykeo

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say.

As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

sarawifenow

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say. As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

I'm entitled to think (and post) what I think of this post. You can't censor your responses.

misshart00

Okay, you keep saying "I'm real! I'm real!" And "I don't have time to answer all the questions." But you have the time to repeat the above several times. PGL put them in a nice list. The fact that you're repeating the same things and not answering questions is what makes people jump to mud.

steph861

SaraBrideSoon said:

Yep...I still think this is total MUD. You go to numerous wedding boards, post the same scenario yet leave out very important details here, then you post it on one of the boards known to have drama? And then you won't answer questions. MUD MUD MUD!

In her defense, it looks like she posted on Wedding Bee (and the update about not being pregnant) before she even made the initial post on TK, which could be why it was never mentioned here.

STARMOON44

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say.

As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

The advice is, pretty much unanimously, don't do this. Break up with this guy. Plan on never seeing him again. Spend time just you taking care of your son. Date people who live near you. Personally, I can't think of a single other fact you could give me that would make me think anything other than get over this guy and grow up.

sarawifenow

misshart00 said:

Okay, you keep saying "I'm real! I'm real!" And "I don't have time to answer all the questions." But you have the time to repeat the above several times. PGL put them in a nice list. The fact that you're repeating the same things and not answering questions is what makes people jump to mud.

This 100%. Thank you @misshart00. You are far more articulate than I am today.

thelastdreamer

If this isn't MUD, post a screen shot of your plane itinerary from coming back from the US. Blur out any private info or whatever you need to, but post a screen shot that shows the dates and locations of your flights. I'm sure you still have a record of it in your email or something. 

southernbelle0915

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say. 

As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

British people don't say y'all, as far as I know. 

Which means my advice has changed....Follow your heart! Take your son to AMERICA - the land of opportunity! It's the best thing for everyone. Obviously you are the better parent - not your ex.

laceykeo

SaraBrideSoon said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say.

As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

I'm entitled to think (and post) what I think of this post. You can't censor your responses.


Absolutely you are, and I accept that.

Censor my responses...?

Like, I can't tell you what to post? Also correct. All I'm saying is if there is a way to prove otherwise, I'll do so. Such as can I post a picture on the mobile version of the site of my plane ticket? A screenshot of a bit of our conversation?

I'm going to prettygirllost's post now so it'll take me a while to respond to those questions.

I was replying to another post when she posted hers.

sarawifenow

steph11814 said:

SaraBrideSoon said:

Yep...I still think this is total MUD. You go to numerous wedding boards, post the same scenario yet leave out very important details here, then you post it on one of the boards known to have drama? And then you won't answer questions. MUD MUD MUD!

In her defense, it looks like she posted on Wedding Bee (and the update about not being pregnant) before she even made the initial post on TK, which could be why it was never mentioned here.

Yes but that would have all been useful information. Like that she met him online, saw him for a week, had a pregnancy scare. All of that is relevent, not just the preggo part.

lilacck28

southernbelle0915 said:

wrongsideoftheocean said:

If there's a way to prove this is not MUD, I'm okay with that. It's very real, I'm genuinely here to hear what y'all have to say. 

As hard as it is to read what people are saying about how this can't work etc, as bad as it is knowing people out there think my son is not my number one priority, the only thing that is annoying me is the MUD calls, because I'm genuinely here for advice, and that is all.

British people don't say y'all, as far as I know. 

Which means my advice has changed....Follow your heart! Take your son to AMERICA - the land of opportunity! It's the best thing for everyone. Obviously you are the better parent - not your ex.

Ha! I noticed that earlier and completely forgot about it! This has been both entertaining and disturbing. 

jules3964

I don't know. This will probably sound harsh… but from my perspective, this seems like a big fantasy you've gotten lured into, and now you're in this phase of infatuation and how perfect everything would be if you could just be together. You're unhappy where you're at, and the grass is always greener. The daydreaming possibilities are endless. As if it's a movie… it'll all work out because you're in love, and what a romantic story it would all be. It's almost like because the situation is so difficult, and so hard to achieve… it makes it that much more of a desire. Like life would be so perfect if you could just figure out how this can work.

I feel bad for your situation. I've felt that way before, and I can only imagine what it would be like to feel like you couldn't pursue it. Sure, if you didn't have your son, you could go there right now and be with him. Even if it turned out to be a mistake, it wouldn't matter, and you'd learn from it.

But… you have a child now. You need to put him first, and unfortunately that puts certain limits on your life choices.