Divorced parents and how to handle them, HELP!

slynn15

My fiance and I are getting married in a year and from day one I have been utterly stressed about my mother causing a scene at my wedding. My parents divorced when I was five and they can't stand each other. My relationship with my parents are totally opposite, I have great love and admiration for my father, and I wish I could say the same for my mother. 12 years ago my father remarried, and my mom and step-mom do not get along either. I get along well with my step-mom and would like to have her feel included in our big day since she has been a important part of my fathers and my life. Long story short I'm terrified that my own mother is going to cause a scene. I know my father and his wife will be respectful during the wedding , but my mom has been known to not care about who hears her or her snarky and inappropriate remarks. Throw in some cocktails and all bets are off. I tried talking to my mother, but she claims shes not the problem ( I beg to differ). I also told her that she would not be allowed a guest ( she isn't in a serious relationship with anyone) , and she said "try to stop me." We have a very tight guest list and we simply don't have room for added guests. My mother is not contributing to the cost of the wedding, however my father and his wife are...This could be an uphill battle for me.. I'm trying to find the balance of dealing with my three parent figures, how do I include them all? Any suggestions on how to manage this situation would be helpful, particularly in introductions and seating arrangements would be nice. I know including my step-mom will hurt my mother, but not including her would hurt my step-mom and father ... I'm at a loss! Thanks in advance for any advice with for dealing with a dramatic momofthebride!

msuprincess04

Does your mom have other family and friends going? I understand not giving a date to a truely single person, but if shes going to be alone, I'd probably give her a plus one. In the end, there's not much you can do. You need to trust her to act like an adult. If she starts in with inappropriate remarks, she makes herself look ridiculous, not you. Plus, if she gets too out of hand, you can have someone prepared to escort her out.

ETA: Introductions should be like any other. She's still your mother. Seat her with her friends and family members, there's no reason her table needs to be near theirs.

photokitty

I would give her a guest. Period. The woman needs someone who she can focus her attention on besides you, your dad and stepmom.

I would do 3 different parent tables. One for your dad & stepmom, one for your mom and one for your FILs. Let each parent choose (from the existing guest list) who to sit at the tables with them.

Locate the tables in prominent locations depending on how the room is laid out. Ideally I would put a sweetheart table on the dance floor and the one parent table in the center of each "wall" on the surrounding dance floor. Do not put your mom's table right next to your dad. Do not place your dad and FIL's table in a more prominent location than your mom. 

Do whatever you can to reduce the reason she has to gripe, starting with giving her a gusts....this will really make your day better IMHO.

GL!

NYCMercedes

slynn15 said:

My fiance and I are getting married in a year and from day one I have been utterly stressed about my mother causing a scene at my wedding. My parents divorced when I was five and they can't stand each other. My relationship with my parents are totally opposite, I have great love and admiration for my father, and I wish I could say the same for my mother. 12 years ago my father remarried, and my mom and step-mom do not get along either. I get along well with my step-mom and would like to have her feel included in our big day since she has been a important part of my fathers and my life. Long story short I'm terrified that my own mother is going to cause a scene. I know my father and his wife will be respectful during the wedding , but my mom has been known to not care about who hears her or her snarky and inappropriate remarks. Throw in some cocktails and all bets are off. I tried talking to my mother, but she claims shes not the problem ( I beg to differ). I also told her that she would not be allowed a guest ( she isn't in a serious relationship with anyone) , and she said "try to stop me." We have a very tight guest list and we simply don't have room for added guests. My mother is not contributing to the cost of the wedding, however my father and his wife are...This could be an uphill battle for me.. I'm trying to find the balance of dealing with my three parent figures, how do I include them all? Any suggestions on how to manage this situation would be helpful, particularly in introductions and seating arrangements would be nice. I know including my step-mom will hurt my mother, but not including her would hurt my step-mom and father ... I'm at a loss! Thanks in advance for any advice with for dealing with a dramatic momofthebride!

Firstly, can you have a noon wedding? That will help to keep the (her) drinking down. 

In the procession, your stepmom and your dad precede your mom. Stepmom and mom should both get a corsage. 

Have photos taken of you and mom and then another of you and dad and stepmom.  

Then do not do introductions at the reception. They're really not necessary, except for you and your groom. 

As far as seating arrangements, seat them with their own family and friends at opposite sides of the room. 

Finally, reconsider allowing her to bring a friend. If it will make her happy (and less snarky), then find a way to cut favors or something else in your budget so she is comfortable. Who knows, maybe you can just hold that over her head if she starts to act up. 

OliveOilsMom

I would also allow your mom to bring a friend.  It may help her feel more comfortable and not make any comments.

Let each set of parents host a table at the reception and have them away from each other. 

Since you have already been talking to your mom about her behavior, next time it's mentioned make it clear to her that even though she doesn't think she's the problem, anyone making disparaging comments will be asked to leave the wedding.  Parent or not.

For the ceremony, see if you can have either of your parents sit on FILs side.  So that an aisle will separate your mom & dad/step-mom.

If you want to do introductions, have all parents already seated in the reception hall.  The DJ can announce them from their seats.

themuffinman16

I would give your mom a plus one. It is necessary. When she has a guest, it might distract her from feeling sidelined at the wedding or not first place at every single moment. I was in the exact same situation as you. Except my father did not attend the wedding. I am, still very close to my step-mom even though she and my father are divorced. I had three separate tables. One for my step-mom and her family, one for my mother and her family, and one for my paternal grandfather and my sister. My mother left early. She did not cause a scene, but she did not even stay to watch me dance with my grandfather or my sister. But she did not cause a scene. For that I am grateful that she held in her resentment for a day. Seating arrangements are key. Seat your mother in the seat of honor during the ceremony. Which is the first seat in the first row. Tell her you are doing this. She needs to feel like you are making a fuss over her. When you seat her at the reception, keep a buffer table between her table and your father's table (seat groom's guest at the table between them, or seat bridal part members between them. Ask your mother which table she would like this will make her feel like you are consulting her. Your father and step-mother won't care where they sit. I a sure everything will be fine. But I understand the stress you are going through. You will have a beautiful day.. If my parents can make it through the day without a hitch, I know yours will too,. Hugs to you... and drink a glass of wine.

themuffinman16

knot ate my paragraphs. sorry

badbnagdway

I know how stressful family stuff is and how amped it is around big events. I agree with what has been said -- just seat them apart as much as possible without sticking someone in the back. If she does something silly it reflects on her, not you. Let your mom bring a guest. You may not have an ex-husband, but imagine if you had to go to a wedding where you would see a now married meaningful ex-boyfriend and you were told you absolutely couldn't bring someone for moral support. That would suck.

Jen4948

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  As PPs have said, I'd give your mother a plus-one to take at least some of her attention off you and seat her as far away from your father and stepmother as possible.  Also don't have them pose together in photos, whether with you or not.

CMGragain

1.  You are not responsible for anyone's behavior except your own.
2.  It won't kill you to give your mother a +1.  Do it.
3.  If your mother does make a scene at your wedding, it only reflects on her, not on you.  She will look like a fool.  Other guests will be sympathetic to you.  They were when my FMIL made a scene.  I never stopped smiling, or being a gracious hostess.
4.  If your Mom makes a scene, the other guests will quickly understand WHY your Dad was divorced, and will feel sympathy for his new wife.

twitterbird

I agree with the suggestion to give your mom a plus one so she has someone to talk to and focus on. Have the parents host their own tables with selected family and friends. Don't put their tables near each other. Its sad that your parents didn't maintain a good relationship. I've been lucky as my fiancé's mom, dad, and stepmom get along really well. Good luck!

MairePoppy

1. I think you should encourage your mom to bring a date to your wedding. She will have someone to distract her from your father and his wife. 2. Traditionally, the MOB has the honor of being the last person seated before the wedding party processional begins. MOG is seated before MOB. If your father is escorting you, your SM should be seated before the other moms, by an escort of her choice. 3. For ceremony seating give your mom and her entourage (her parents, maybe)in the front row. Seat your dad and his wife and their entourage in the second row. 4. For the reception, allow your mom to host her own table, far away from your dad's table. Seat her with people that she wants to impress. 5. If all else fails, CMGragain is correct. Your mom's behavior is no reflection on you.

slynn15

Thanks for all the advice -- Your insight has helped. I didn't want to go in depth into our relationship because its truly not pleasant and doesn't do me or her any good to air our dirty laundry on here. I think I was more upset that she challenged my authority on my initial decision. Now I just need to figure out who to cut from our A list invites .

CMGragain I loved your #4 , it made me giggle.

themuffinman16 - thanks for the reassurance! I know I can't be the only one dealing with similar dynamics and I just didn't know how to address it.

lilacck28

slynn15 said:

Thanks for all the advice -- Your insight has helped. I didn't want to go in depth into our relationship because its truly not pleasant and doesn't do me or her any good to air our dirty laundry on here. I think I was more upset that she challenged my authority on my initial decision. Now I just need to figure out who to cut from our A list invites .

CMGragain I loved your #4 , it made me giggle.

themuffinman16 - thanks for the reassurance! I know I can't be the only one dealing with similar dynamics and I just didn't know how to address it.

You don't have room at your venue to just add one more person? Getting really close to space limits is not a great idea. That usually means people are really cramped. If this is the case, I would think about cutting your list down a bit further. 

Or is it a budget issue? If yes, downgrade or get rid of favors, downgrade invitations... something small should cover one extra guest. 

Liatris2010

slynn15 said:

Thanks for all the advice -- Your insight has helped. I didn't want to go in depth into our relationship because its truly not pleasant and doesn't do me or her any good to air our dirty laundry on here. I think I was more upset that she challenged my authority on my initial decision. Now I just need to figure out who to cut from our A list invites .

CMGragain I loved your #4 , it made me giggle.

themuffinman16 - thanks for the reassurance! I know I can't be the only one dealing with similar dynamics and I just didn't know how to address it.

Having an A and B list is really rude. The B-list people always figure it out. Unless your A list already contains the fire-code max and has maxxed out your budget, I am sure you can squeeze one more person in. Otherwise, maybe there is something that hasn't been purchased yet that you can downgrade or skip. Maybe do regular makeup instead of airbrush, down-size the decorations or  centerpiece?

slynn15

lilacck28 we are below the venue limit because we didn't want our guest cramped , so we had set a limit of guest with that in mind.

theartistformerlyknownas

How can you have such a defined guest list an entire year out?? So many things can change - new friendships can start, old ones can fizzle out, people get into new relationships, other people break up. Please try to keep some flexibility until you're about 6 months out! Heck, your mom could be married by the time your wedding rolls around. You never know.

lilacck28

slynn15 said:

lilacck28 we are below the venue limit because we didn't want our guest cramped , so we had set a limit of guest with that in mind.



STUCK IN BOX

That's great! Then having another guest shouldn't be an issue.