I don't want to plan my own party...

novella1186

I found out via my mom that my aunt (let's call her Aunt L) wants to throw me a bridal shower. Yay! I was really surprised and flattered. My mom gave her the go-ahead, but then she started trying to get my approval on everything. She started by asking me which month would work (the wedding is May 2015 so we have plenty of time) which seemed totally logical. Of course she would clear the date with me, because I have a demanding job and obviously she wants the bride to be able to attend the bridal shower, so I thought nothing of it. 

But THEN she asked me to pick  details. She wanted to know what "theme" I wanted, what colors, what type of food, etc etc. I felt like I was planning the party myself, and I don't want to steal that away from her at all. I kept saying "Aunt L, I appreciate this so much! It makes me feel so special that you want to plan something for me! Anything you plan is going to be awesome, so don't worry about it. I'm just excited to see you!" I've gone through this with her multiple times, and it's the truth. She lives on the other side of the country, so really my bridal shower could be she and I just eating a pizza and it would be so awesome to me. 

I think she keeps asking me to choose everything because she's worried about disappointing me, no matter how much I try to convey that nothing will disappoint me. I'm really not hard to please, I have no expectations, I'm just so excited to see her! 

But she asks me to make decisions for the party so much that I feel like if I do make decisions, then I'm stealing the planning from her and way over-stepping my bounds (I'm not the host!) and if I DON'T answer her questions then I'm somehow abandoning her to be stressed and dealing with this on her own. Ugh! I feel so bad at this point. 

Has anyone else dealt with this? I don't know what else I can say to her. I don't want to plan my own party. I don't want her to stress. I just want to do the right thing and make her know that I love ANYTHING she plans. 

KatWAG

Just be grateful someone throwing you a shower and is concerned with you likes and desires. The opposite is worse.

KickAssMOH

I agree - you should just be grateful. Don't overthink this. It's nice that she's willing to throw you a shower and it sounds like she's just being extra careful to make sure you love everything. My best friend planned my shower and asked me alot of questions about the details along the way, but i didn't think anything negative of it because that is just how she likes to plan things.

weddingmuse

The last few times I've planned wedding or baby showers, I've checked out the bride's or expectant mother's Pinterest board. Inevitably, there are shower pictures there, showing themes or colors or recipes they like. I've re-created invitations, favors, and decorations based on Pinterest pictures. The shower honorees were surprised and pleased. You might start a shower board and share it with your aunt.

RebeccaB88

Can you maybe give her some guidelines, or some ideas that are appealing to you, but could also be budget friendly for her?  Just maybe narrow the field down a bit for her?  For instance, formal afternoon tea, or a casual hang out time, or a barbecue, or pool party?  Also ask what thoughts she's had - how many people, where, if she's planning a luncheon or dinner or just cake and coffee in the afternoon. Then jump on an idea that she throws out that you also like.  I don't think she really wants you to plan it, just get some confirmation that she's going in a direction that you also like.

JellyBean52513

I may be the minority opinion on this one, but in situations like this, I don't see you answering her questions as you planning a party in your own honor. You're not issuing the invites and preparing everything, and you're clearly not dictating to her what she should be doing for you. It seems like she just wants the shower to be perfect for you, and I don't see anything wrong with you answering her questions. "Oh, no theme is necessary Aunt L, but our wedding colors are probably going to be some variation of blue and silver, so feel free to use that as inspiration;" "I don't really have a food preference, you know me, I love everything from pizza to shrimp cocktails. Just pick out what you think would be best for whatever time of you'd like to hold the shower. Also, I'll make sure to be free all day on whichever date you pick, so the time is totally up to you. Just tell me when & where to show up " You aren't actively planning your own shower alongside of her, bur rather you're giving the host a hand as to what type of event you'd like. This is fair to do for other parties (finding out what the guest of honor would like) so it's fair for your shower, IMO.

Ndelible

BFF/MOH asked me for lots of details. I was fine with it because I knew she would end up picking the final choices. And she has. She chose her favorites from what I expressed I liked. We have planned parties together for years and that's how it usually goes... We discuss over reaching ideas and the one who is hosting makes the final decisions. She is doing a lovely job and I am flattered that she is keeping my likes in mind. It's a gift.

Senecaf

Answer her questions. She will probably be more stressed if she has no clue what you do and do not like. Saying you like everything and anything is different than truly feeling that way. She knows that. Is it annoying a little? Yeah, but in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal. Just go with it.

Maggie0829

I would just tell her that you are so excited and grateful that she is throwing you a bridal shower and that you trust her judgement completely and just want to be surprised in regards to all the details when the day comes.

I agree with the PP that you really aren't planning your party but being constantly asked if I would like this or that or X or Y or A or B would drive me insane.

Liatris2010

Maggie0829 said:

I would just tell her that you are so excited and grateful that she is throwing you a bridal shower and that you trust her judgement completely and just want to be surprised in regards to all the details when the day comes.

I agree with the PP that you really aren't planning your party but being constantly asked if I would like this or that or X or Y or A or B would drive me insane.

Yep. Maggie nailed it!

"I just want to be surprised!"

novella1186

Ok, thanks everyone! I have just never been in this situation before, so I didn't know if I was over-stepping my bounds or something, but I want to help her out too. I had no idea what the typical protocol was. I feel way better about this now! 

PineapplePopsicles

novella1186 said:

Ok, thanks everyone! I have just never been in this situation before, so I didn't know if I was over-stepping my bounds or something, but I want to help her out too. I had no idea what the typical protocol was. I feel way better about this now! 

I'm in the same boat except I like it  I'm not making any decisions, but I have been asked for my opinion several times.  They are just trying to please you.  For a moment, I had this feeling of "Oh no, what if this means I'm planning my own shower and the girls on TK will think I'm a rude bride?!" and then I had to snap out of it because a) this is real life and b) i'm not planning it, so everything is cool. If it is "annoying" you or bothering you in some way, then make a Pinterest board like others suggested and share that with her.  That would give her ideas and maybe let her in on your style/preferences without having to consult you on everything. 

abbyj700

Yeah @Maggie0829 nailed it! I'm going through this right now with both my shower and my bachelorette (which is a week from now!) My ladies were awesome - invited me to a little meeting to ask for available dates and guest lists....and then weeks and months later kept asking details and for approvals and what not. While I REALLY appreciate it all - I kinda got overwhelmed -especially since they were not apparently talking to each other, or going through with a lot of action -but constantly asking me things. 

In the long run smile and love it. The closer it gets to the parties my ladies are hosting I'm just stepping back, smiling and getting excited that friends care so much. 

And when in doubt -make up something crazy like I did. I totally baffled my bridesmaids by bringing up that I had once said I wanted a street magician at my bachelorette. They actually went out and priced it up at one point! LoL

ashleyep

Not entirely related, but FI's dad hosted our rehearsal dinner. I booked it originally, because we didn't yet have an offer from them, but then passed on the contact info of the coordinator after they offered. Well a week before the wedding, his step-mom wouldn't stop asking me what kind of flowers I wanted for centerpieces (at a rehearsal dinner? really?), what color napkins I wanted, etc. I wanted to just tell her I didn't care and she could pick whatever she wanted, but she was so nice and earnest about it that I just tried to answer politely and tell her what she wanted to hear.

Maybe you could just answer one of her questions with something like "well our wedding color is navy blue, but honestly, I'd be happy with whatever you'd like to do - and that goes for all of the details. Don't worry about me not liking anything! I'm just so honored you want to host a party for me!"

wrigleyville

There's a huge difference between throwing your own shower and letting your aunt know your preferences. 

When I plan showers for my friends, I often ask if there's a particular color they want to use or a certain kind of food they'd like to have. I also ask if they want games, since most people I know hate shower games. 

I don't bug them with questions 24/7, but I do get a basic list of "dos" and "don'ts" before proceeding.