What to do?

CMGragain

1.  You chose your bridesmaids too early.  This is your fault.  If relationships have changed, you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  9 months out is a good time frame for choosing a bridal party.
2.  Your bridesmaids are not your unpaid wedding planners.  They do not owe you crafty time or shopping time, other than for their own dresses.
3.  If you need "support" to get married, maybe you should not be getting married in the first place.  Your bridesmaids are there to share your happiness.
4.  If you fire them, you will look like a selfish, bridezilla bitch.
5.  You owe them an apology.

Mochadia

CMGragain said:

1.  You chose your bridesmaids too early.  This is your fault.  If relationships have changed, you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  9 months out is a good time frame for choosing a bridal party.
2.  Your bridesmaids are not your unpaid wedding planners.  They do not owe you crafty time or shopping time, other than for their own dresses.
3.  If you need "support" to get married, maybe you should not be getting married in the first place.  Your bridesmaids are there to share your happiness.
4.  If you fire them, you will look like a selfish, bridezilla bitch.
5.  You owe them an apology.

Yes, maybe you are right i chose then to early, but every l even 9 months ago I would have chosen them. Secondly, I'm not asking them to be my unpaid wedding planners, what they did, for literally 5 hours over 6 months was greatly appreciated. Third, everyone nees support during this time, mainly moral support to keep up with the work as it gets closer to the date I believe. Lastly, I feel like I don't owe them an apology beca use I have made an effort to connect with then on a personal basis. If i ask them to dinner and they refuse, if I ask them to coffee and they refuse, if I ask them to the park to hang out, or shopping and hang out and they refuse, i have done all that i can, at that point i feel like it's not a friendship, and this happened over the past 6 months. I most certainly do not owe them an Apology because u have tried to connect with them. When they refused, I've never asked them to leave the party. I strongly believe your end remarks were uncalled for.

Mochadia

FYI- considering that it would only cost me $80 to have the both out a wedding that is costing thousands, money's is not a concern. It is more like them not wanting to continue a friendship with me from the pattern of not making time to see me and my fiance for even drinks.

holyguacamole79

@CMGragain makes am excellent point with #4. Chances are, people know that these two women are in your bridal party. If you ask them to step down because you think that they aren't offering you enough support, this is going to make you look REALLY bad. Also, fwiw, I have had times when I was distant from my friends. During those times, I was going through a lot and needed space. I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and see where the friendship goes. Things may get better between you & them with time. If you kick them out of your bridal party, that reconciliation may never happen.

novella1186

People go through stuff in life that causes them to get distant from friends. And friendships go through phases, too. Give these girls a little space, and then try calling to see how they're doing and how their lives are going. As other PPs suggested, it would be a good idea to ask if you've done something to hurt or offend them, just to clear the air in case there are some bad feelings. 

You DO owe them an apology if they say you've hurt their feelings in some way. If you want them to be good friends and support you, it has to go the other way too. Be a good friend and let them know you didn't intend to do anything to make them feel bad and that you're sorry, if that's the situation. 

My best friend and I sometimes go a month or more without talking. We both work a lot and we have very different schedules, so it just happens. I don't get angry at her for that, because I understand that life just gets busy sometimes. She lives in a different state so she won't be able to help me with wedding stuff, and she never asks how my planning is going. This doesn't bother me at all. It's MY wedding, not hers, so it's not her job to care about it. 

Show your friends some compassion and understanding, and don't expect so much from them. 

PrettyGirlLost

Mochadia said:

I want to fire two of my three bridesmaids.  I'm not sure if I should, if I am over-reacting, etc.  No, you should not, that is a friendship ending move.  Whatever is going on, you are overreacting if you want to end a friendship over your own wedding.  I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding party over a year ago and they were overjoyed.  They were extremely helpful, adding ideas, just being happy that I am getting married.  In the winter time, I asked them all over for a meeting, which they all came, to help me narrow down the vision and colors.  Next, came their bridesmaids dresses, which they all bought and loved, which was really economical and they all said they would wear it again.  After they purchased their dresses, we had another get together to accessorize them in the spring.  In the summer I asked everyone to come to my house to help make bouquets, which only 4 had to made and one of my bridesmaids told me 1 hour into it that she would not be able to make it because her husband had not come back and she was with their kids.  You have been engaged for over a year and have already asked your BM's to get together for wedding related stuff 4 times?  Sheesh, that's a bit excessive.  Especially if you are going to be upset with one for not coming to help you make bouquets.  Its not her responsibility to help you make bouquets.  Its nice if she offered, and you are welcomed to kindly ask for assistance, but you should not expect or demand help with wedding related tasks.  Those tasks are on you and your FI.  This surprised me because she RSVPed to this over a month ago and knew it was coming.  Ok. . . but she has a family and shit happens.  And making bouquets for your wedding isn't really going to be a priority for anyone else but you, certainly not over children.  The same bridesmaid also helped me pick out my dress, but flaked out on me with the fitting, which she put in her phone when I ordered my dress.  Why did you need her to be present at your fitting?  It's your dress, it has to fit you, so you are the only one who needs to be there for the fitting.

So, not only have I had a flaky bridesmaid, I have also been shunned by them too apparently.  Besides be asking for help and planning for them to come to my house, my two problem bridesmaids have not bother to ask how things are going, if I need help, or even to come a visit.  Perhaps they are avoiding you because you keep pestering them with wedding related get togethers.  When was the last time you asked them about their lives or asked to hang out totally unrelated to the wedding?  Now we are all mothers and we all have busy lives, but for the two problem bridesmaids, they have not called or anything in the past 3 months at least, and we all live relatively close to each other.  Have you called them to see if their families are ok?

I am getting to the point that I would like for them to gracefully bow out of my wedding.  They have not been a friend in the past months.  Neither have you.

What would you do in this situation when I am getting married in two months?  What would you say?  Say and do nothing related to your damn wedding and call up your friends and make sure they are doing ok!

PrettyGirlLost

Mochadia said:

I get what you are saying...but realistically...if they are not there to support you for the tough planning and prepping part...what are they really supporting you with....not being a run away bride?

Support is needed for times of great sadness andstress- like a death in thefamily, a terminal or serious illness, a divorce, etc.

No one should need support for a happy event such as a wedding.

As for planning and prepping, those tasks should fall primarily on you.  Again, I think its fine to ask for help, but you have to understand that people are free to decline to help you, and you can't hold it against them.

danamw

Way back in the Stone Age, I was a MOH. The bride was not that demanding, but she had the definite idea that the BP planned the shower. She picked the wrong person when she picked me as MOH, because she knew, I had nowhere to hold the shower. My mom was borderline agoraphobic, and I could not have the shower in her house. I did not have enough money to rent a hall.

The FMIL and FSIL did the shower in the FMIL's basement, and it was wonderful. The bride got mad at me, but she knew darned right well I couldn't host the shower. There were 4 BM's, me, the FSIL, and 2 other girls who didn't give a hoot.

cat&don2015

I think the best thing to do is sit down with them and explain how you feel and what your expectations were. The fact may be that your expectations are too high but they also may not know what you expect of them. There may be way to compromise that meets all of your needs. Friendship is all about communication, just like any good relationship. Try talking it out and see where it goes. Maybe something has come up in their lives that you don't know about. At any rate, you might be pleasantly surprised with the out come of having a good heart to heart conversation. 

Mochadia

Thanks again for all the advice.  To be completely honest, I am shocked at how much dislike for supporting a bride there seems to be.  I still maintain that people need to be supported...in good times and in bad.  Not to necessarily do things, but to be something of a cheerleader.  If a bride has chosen them to have a special place in her wedding because they are special to her, I would expect them to be more friendly.  I have checked in on them over the past 6 months...they have not checked in with me...wedding or otherwise.

Over the past 6 months, I have only seen them for the 5 hours when I asked for help because I did not know what I was doing. They were wonderful to help.  The problem again is not about the wedding, but more on the lines of friendship.  When I have asked them over for non-wedding related things they do not come, but come for the wedding related things...that was their choice to come. I still maintain that 5 hours over 6 months to help with certain things about the wedding is not excessive.  

It is not about money...at what point does a friend becomes so crummy that you ask them to leave...if ever?

southernbelle0915

Ok, I don't really understand what you want, OP. You're combating everything people say. Your options boil down to two choices:

1) Kick them out, thus ending your friendships

2) Leave them in and stop complaining. 

I don't really know what else you want anyone to say.

Mochadia

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok, I don't really understand what you want, OP. You're combating everything people say. Your options boil down to two choices:

1) Kick them out, thus ending your friendships

2) Leave them in and stop complaining. 

I don't really know what else you want anyone to say.

You are right..I have the two choices that you have mentioned, and I am collecting other opinions in regards to the situation.  I wanted an objective view of a board.  However, I was really surprised at how much the board seems to anti-bride.  It seems that the bride cannot mention the wedding to the bridesmaids until the day of the wedding by how some of the post reads.  With that sort of view, I am a bit more cautious on how much advice I am taking from the board...but I did get some great things from the messages that I am still thinking over.

southernbelle0915

Mochadia said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok, I don't really understand what you want, OP. You're combating everything people say. Your options boil down to two choices:

1) Kick them out, thus ending your friendships

2) Leave them in and stop complaining. 

I don't really know what else you want anyone to say.

You are right..I have the two choices that you have mentioned, and I am collecting other opinions in regards to the situation.  I wanted an objective view of a board.  However, I was really surprised at how much the board seems to anti-bride.  It seems that the bride cannot mention the wedding to the bridesmaids until the day of the wedding by how some of the post reads.  With that sort of view, I am a bit more cautious on how much advice I am taking from the board...but I did get some great things from the messages that I am still thinking over.

Ok, here's an opinion. You will be happier if you just stop focusing on negative feelings. You are too focused on these women who are clearly blowing you off. How do you feel after you think about this? Bad? Lonely? Left out? How do you feel after you think about wedding things you're excited about? Your decor for example. Excited? Inspired? Accomplished? 

Focus on stuff you can control and that makes you happy. The actions of these people are out of your control and clearly not making you happy. You have the two choices above, so decide what you want to do and then leave the situation alone and focus your energy elsewhere.

No one is "anti-bride". They're trying to get you to have realistic expectations, to come up with a solution and move on from the negativity and drama.

holyguacamole79

Mochadia said:

Thanks again for all the advice.  To be completely honest, I am shocked at how much dislike for supporting a bride there seems to be.  I still maintain that people need to be supported...in good times and in bad.  Not to necessarily do things, but to be something of a cheerleader.  If a bride has chosen them to have a special place in her wedding because they are special to her, I would expect them to be more friendly.  I have checked in on them over the past 6 months...they have not checked in with me...wedding or otherwise.

Over the past 6 months, I have only seen them for the 5 hours when I asked for help because I did not know what I was doing. They were wonderful to help.  The problem again is not about the wedding, but more on the lines of friendship.  When I have asked them over for non-wedding related things they do not come, but come for the wedding related things...that was their choice to come. I still maintain that 5 hours over 6 months to help with certain things about the wedding is not excessive.  

It is not about money...at what point does a friend becomes so crummy that you ask them to leave...if ever?

Nobody is anti-supporting a bride.  I'm just saying that you don't know what else is going on in their lives.  But seriously, you want cheerleaders?  What are you doing that requires someone to cheer you on?  

Also, stop keeping score.  You have mentioned several times that you have asked for 5 hours of their help over 6 months.  

I have cut one friend out of my life.  I was in the midst of my depression and she said something incredibly insensitive and hurtful to me.  I decided that I didn't need that in my life.  You don't ask people to leave just because they are distant or busy.  

You made the decision to have these women in your bridal party.  It sounds like that might have not been the best choice.  Look back at southernbelle's 2 choices.  

Mochadia said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok, I don't really understand what you want, OP. You're combating everything people say. Your options boil down to two choices:

1) Kick them out, thus ending your friendships

2) Leave them in and stop complaining. 

I don't really know what else you want anyone to say.

You are right..I have the two choices that you have mentioned, and I am collecting other opinions in regards to the situation.  I wanted an objective view of a board.  However, I was really surprised at how much the board seems to anti-bride.  It seems that the bride cannot mention the wedding to the bridesmaids until the day of the wedding by how some of the post reads.  With that sort of view, I am a bit more cautious on how much advice I am taking from the board...but I did get some great things from the messages that I am still thinking over.

Mentioning the wedding and being excited about it is one thing.  Holding "meetings" and expecting them to come to your dress fittings and make their own bouquets is another.  

There is a very real possibility that these women are distant for a reason other than your wedding.  

Maggie0829

What is it about weddings that cause people to expect stuff from their nearest and dearest.  OP you are planning a party.  That is really it.  Now if it was a large milestone b-day party for your FI or a large graduation party or a retirement party would you expect help and support from those around you? Probably not, but when it comes to weddings support is expected.  I just don't get it.

I agree with everything Southernbelle has said.  So these people aren't living up to your expectations, time to get over it and focus on things that make you happy.  Bitching and complaining about how they aren't the friends they used to be won't do anything but irritate you.  It won't make them become more supportive or helpful.  So stop worrying about it and focus on things you can control.

novella1186

I don't think anyone is anti-bride. I think it comes down to the fact that you can't control the way people think or behave. If they are excited for you and want to help do wedding stuff, that's awesome. If they're more distant and want nothing to do with wedding chores, that's less awesome but they're totally free to think/feel that way. I get that you're disappointed by their lack of support. But they are not required to make a big deal about your wedding, or attend any meetings or pre-wedding events. I think that's what the PPs were getting at, not an anti-bride thing, just a "people are how they are and you can't force them to care" thing. Short of going majorly bridezilla and demanding that they help and get excited (don't do that!) there's not much you can do besides give them space, and as one of the PPs said, focus on what makes you happy and enjoy yourself! Don't like a couple absentee friends ruin your whole experience.

novella1186

Sorry, TK ate my paragraphs

Viczaesar

Frankly, OP, it sounds like you overwhelmed them with wedding activities and expectations and they've pulled back from you as a result. 

The point of having bridesmaids is for you to honor them and their close relationship with you.  It is not for them to be your planning buddy and bridal bitch.  It is a ceremonial role that comes with no responsibilities other than showing up at the wedding in the selected attire, which should be chosen with their comfort and budget in mind.  They don't owe you help making favors or bouquets or helping you decide your colors or whatever.  They may not be interested in wedding details - many women and men aren't, or they may be too busy or overwhelmed with their own lives, which is understandable.  To them your wedding is the day that they're happy for their friend who is marrying the love of her life.  That's all it needs to be.  It's not the most important day of their lives, or anything close to it.  No one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do, especially for months on end. 

Don't be upset that they haven't reached out to you to see how the planning is going recently.  If I were them I wouldn't either, because I would be afraid that you would take it as an opportunity to ask or demand more work from me.  Keep trying to reach out to them completely aside from the wedding.  At this point this is a friend issue, not a bridesmaid issue.  They have done absolutely nothing that warrants kicking them out of your wedding and ending your friendship with them.  Give them a chance to see that you haven't gone bridezilla and are still capable of rational, non-wedding friendship behavior.

Mochadia

Thanks for all the feedback.  Again, I am considering all points of view, different opinions, etc.  Although I might I not agree with all, some, or none, I appreciate the different point of view.

Thanks.

levioosa

While I do disagree slightly that no one needs support during happy times, I do think you are being a bit ridiculous.  These women are your friends, yes, but they also have families.  I can tell you right now that getting their kid to and from school on time and helping them with homework is going to be more important to them then making bouquets.  

No one is anti-bride.  You could say we just have a more realistic view of things.  The Knot's "guidelines" are based on a billion dollar industry that encourages you to spend as much as possible during the wedding process.  We here are giving you etiquette advice, plain and simple.  We are telling you that you can't expect your friends to do anything other than show up sober, in the dress and in good spirits on the day of the wedding.  When you asked them to be a bridesmaid, you were acknowledging their previous support and great friendship, and indicating that you wanted to honor them.  Bridesmaid =/= bridal bitch.  

Like a PP said, I also don't get to talk to my best friend very often (we live in different states).  I count it lucky if we can catch thirty minutes in a month's time.  Sometimes we go months without talking, and texting is sporadic.  She is crazy busy.  I am crazy busy.  It's okay.  I don't doubt our friendship at all.  It kills me that there are times when we are both stressed and don't have each other nearby to vent to or help, but that's life, and I know that if I really need her, she will be there in a heartbeat.  Have you talked to these women at all besides throwing out invitations to dinners and planning events?  Because if you've only invited them places (yes or no answers) or if everything has been wedding related, you really have no idea what is going on in their life.  When is the last time you called just to see how they are doing?  There's a good chance they dread your calls because they think it's wedding related.  

Don't ask them to step down.  It's a friendship ending move.  You are eating, breathing and sleeping wedding.  It seems like that's all your life is right now.  Is this just about the wedding, or are they normally awesome friends?  If they're normally awesome friends, don't kill your friendships over what really is just one day with a giant party.  What matters is that you are going to be marrying your FI, and that you are beginning a new life together as a family.  Focus on that, stop expecting help (it should really be you and FI doing this--anyone else offering to help is just a bonus), and be a good friend, first and foremost.

Lizzieyounce

lessonlearnedinmay said:

Thanks, again, Sarah Bear.  I am DEFINITELY not sticking around.  Having my words get ripped to shreds does not sound like fun! 

I told you I was overly sensitive.  I wonder if the difference is because I'm from a lower socio-economic class?  There's the wealthy part of our family and then there's the rest of us, and I'm in the rest of us.  I've been in just a handful of weddings over the years, less than 5, but each of those were just regular women like me.  And each of those were SO MUCH fun, and all or most of the bridesmaids went shopping with the bride for gowns, we addressed invitations together, helped decorate the hall, have the bridal shower. etc.  It was just fun, and relaxed and we all pitched in wherever we could, sharing the duties. 

But that was just me and my regular friends.  I understand that the current trend is super fancy weddings (plus this bride is in the fancy part of the family) so I fully admit I am the dupe, the rube, the "non-sophisticate" who expects women to be real and genuine and just be good friends to each other and be there for each other. 

So thanks for warning me I'm going to get ripped up.  I'll bow out gracefully!

That chip on your shoulders must give you an awful backache!

PrettyGirlLost

Mochadia said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok, I don't really understand what you want, OP. You're combating everything people say. Your options boil down to two choices:

1) Kick them out, thus ending your friendships

2) Leave them in and stop complaining. 

I don't really know what else you want anyone to say.

You are right..I have the two choices that you have mentioned, and I am collecting other opinions in regards to the situation.  I wanted an objective view of a board.  However, I was really surprised at how much the board seems to anti-bride.  It seems that the bride cannot mention the wedding to the bridesmaids until the day of the wedding by how some of the post reads.  With that sort of view, I am a bit more cautious on how much advice I am taking from the board...but I did get some great things from the messages that I am still thinking over.

We aren't anti-bride at all.  We are about managing expectations here.

What we are trying to tell you is that no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, so don't expect your wedding party members to act as your "cheerleaders."  Most people will be very excited for you right after you announce your enagagment, and then they will get on with their lives until right before your wedding when the excitement will peak again.  You can't expect people to be super OMG excited for the entire length of your 12+month engagement. 

You can certainly talk about your wedding, but over the course of your engagement I'd really suggest limiting it to answering questions when asked of you.  And I certainly wouldn't have had so many meetings and get togethers with your BMs as that tends to annoy ppl and burn them out.

I'm speaking to you as a bride who has been engaged for over 2 years.

Mochadia

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

PrettyGirlLost

Mochadia said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

I don't think you can ask anyone to host you like that. . . even if it's your cultural tradition, which sounds really cute and kind, wouldn't it be rude to ask ppl to host you rather than allowing them to offer to host you?

What did you decide to do?

larrygaga

lessonlearnedinmay said:

Thanks, again, Sarah Bear.  I am DEFINITELY not sticking around.  Having my words get ripped to shreds does not sound like fun! 

I told you I was overly sensitive.  I wonder if the difference is because I'm from a lower socio-economic class?  There's the wealthy part of our family and then there's the rest of us, and I'm in the rest of us.  I've been in just a handful of weddings over the years, less than 5, but each of those were just regular women like me.  And each of those were SO MUCH fun, and all or most of the bridesmaids went shopping with the bride for gowns, we addressed invitations together, helped decorate the hall, have the bridal shower. etc.  It was just fun, and relaxed and we all pitched in wherever we could, sharing the duties. 

But that was just me and my regular friends.  I understand that the current trend is super fancy weddings (plus this bride is in the fancy part of the family) so I fully admit I am the dupe, the rube, the "non-sophisticate" who expects women to be real and genuine and just be good friends to each other and be there for each other. 

So thanks for warning me I'm going to get ripped up.  I'll bow out gracefully!

Did you just blame your being over-sensitive on being poor? You should blame getting ripped on you being real stupid.

I'm usually not this mean but I have my cranky truth pants on today.

holyguacamole79

Mochadia said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

This is why you lurk before you post.  If your culture is not ours, then why bother asking us?

novella1186

sarahbear31 said:

Mochadia said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

This is why you lurk before you post.  If your culture is not ours, then why bother asking us?

That's why she posted, because her culture is different and she wanted other perspectives. I think that's ok. We all gotta start learning somewhere!  

PrettyGirlLost

Mochadia said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

So what happened?!!?

Mochadia

PrettyGirlLost said:

Mochadia said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives.  I have thought about all the different points of view.  I think that it could really boil down to a difference of opinions via cultural differences.  My culture, not American, is most definitely more collectivist, so what I asked is not out of the norm for friends to do.  In fact in my culture, most bridesmaids do more.  For example it is customary for others to host the bride and groom for a week at dinners, following their wedding, at their homes.  This is something I haven't asked anyone to do, but just to point out that there are some major cultural differences.  I'm not saying that it is better or worst than what the majority of the view point is here, I am just pointing out that there are cultural differences that I never considered.  

Thank you again for the responses.  I have read everyone of them and already decided on a course of action.

So what happened?!!?

Be it right or wrong in the eyes of others.  I decided to sit down separately with them and just talk about the friendship, (not wedding).  Seeking to understand, then to be understood, hoping to find common ground.  My feelings have been hurt and I think as friends one should be able to share the whys and hopefully come to a solution....as I would do that with them and for them.  I will ultimately have it be their decision on whether they want to remain in the wedding party, but will not push the issue or bring it up.  I figure if they do not want to come, they can voice it when they are ready (they are adults have the right to say no to a request, after all I respectfully declined the very generous offer of having a bridal shower) and that will be that.