Wedding Etiquette Forum

Future In Laws Going After Brides Parents For Money

Help! My fiance and I originally planned to have a small, country themed, DIY, back yard wedding. His parents graciously offered up their large back yard for us to use. Then they offered to pay for all the tables, chairs, and ther DJ. Then they told us not to worry about the centerpieces, they would take care of it....next thing you know they've hired a decorator and catering and a bartender, all the while telling us not to worry about it they'd take care of it.

Here we are 4 weeks away from the wedding and now they are asking my parents to pay them for half of everything they purchased. My parents are very modest and don't make much money. They are already pitching in as much as they can for the cake/desserts, photography, and rehearsal dinner (amongst other things). I don't know what to do here. I'm mad that they are bugging my parents for the money when we never even asked for any of this stuff, they volunteered and made it sound like they were covering the cost! They also refuse to accept any money from us.

Advice?

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Re: Future In Laws Going After Brides Parents For Money

  • sarals24 said:
    Have your FI talk to them and explain that it's inappropriate to ask your parents for money. Tell them you were under the impression that these things were covered, and they weren't part of anything you two had initially wanted. That said, if they insist, be prepared to cover those costs yourself.
    This.  And be prepared to have your wedding elsewhere if they continue to press either you or your parents for money.
  • Thanks for the the quick responses! My parents never agreed to split the costs, in fact they made it pretty clear money was an issue for them and they couldn't afford much. I guess I'll just have to get on my fiance to control his parents better. I'll keep you updated as to what happens. Hopefully we won't have to pay for it :/
  • Its totally inappropriate for them to ask your parents for money. Your parents are 100% in the right to say "sorry, we can't afford to help pay for the things you have booked." Period. End of discussion. Your FI needs to be the one to confront them directly: "you offered to do these things and booked the things you wanted to book. You should pay for it. Stop asking other people for money." If you are willing to follow through, you can add " if you don't stop asking for money for the things you have booked, we are canceling the wedding and will plan something on our own at another date."

    Actually, since it's totally inappropriate for them to have asked the OP's parents for any money, her parents don't even have to give an excuse for not providing it.  They would be 100% in the right to say, "Sorry, but these are things you have booked; we're afraid the onus of paying for it doesn't fall on our shoulders."
  • db1984 said:

    Anyone else thinking of Ross and Emily's wedding on Friends when her father decided Jack Geller had to pay for half of the new carpet, landscaping, wine cellar, etc?

    Yes!!! Lol!

    OP, holy shitballs. They are totally out of line. Ditto on having your FI to tell them to knock it off.
  • First of all, that is so incredibly rude of your FILs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this right before your wedding, that really stinks. Second, your FI needs to be the one to make it clear that his family is not allowed to treat your family that way - because if he doesn't set that boundary now, it's likely this behavior will continue after you're married. I think it would be appropriate for your FI to insist that they apologize to your parents, but I'd probably wait until after the wedding for that.

    Is any of the wedding stuff in your or your FI's name? Did you put down any deposits or sign any vendor contracts for the stuff that FILs said they were covering? If not then it's totally on your FILs to either pay for the things they've booked, or incur the consequences of canceling. Still, you should have an alternate plan if FILs withdraw their offer of the back yard and all the stuff they've booked.

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  • Ditto PPs. How ridiculous of his parents!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    Who in their right mind would expect someone to be handed a "bill" for something for which they had no input? 
    The same people that think it's OK to plan an extravagant bachelorette party or bridal shower and then invoice the bridal party.  It's disgusting.

    OP you have got some great advice.  If I were in your shoes and none of the contracts were in mine or my fiancé's name I would refuse to cover the costs and host the wedding you can afford on your own elsewhere.  So sorry you are in this situation.
  • rsbloomrsbloom member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited August 2014
    My FILs got rude about money too, FMIL looked up some numbers online and demanded FI tell her "what exactly are her parents contributing??" He tried getting the exact numbers to tell them, but I told him it was none of their business what other people decided to contribute to the wedding. I told him to tell her that, as well as that the numbers she found online were wrong. They also decided to redo their backyard (Ross and Emily) for the shower they wanted to host, then got pissed at us for having a busy schedule and not spending everyday over there the month before helping out. Which is why FMIL asked the first question, because she thought they were paying a lot more, even though they offered to pay(RD, shower, flowers), and we said that it wasn't necessary. It got to the point where FI said we would not take any of their money if they kept trying to guilt trip us and compare themselves to my parents. But then they got upset, saying we called them "cheap." But hey, it shut them up. Have FI talk to them, don't talk to them yourself, especially about money issues. Like PPs said, be prepared to go elsewhere and pay yourselves. Stupid parapraghs
  • My only response is, Oh FUCK NO!  FI needs to take care of that shit right now.

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  • db1984 said:

    Anyone else thinking of Ross and Emily's wedding on Friends when her father decided Jack Geller had to pay for half of the new carpet, landscaping, wine cellar, etc?

    I was totally going to post this!
  • db1984 said:
    Anyone else thinking of Ross and Emily's wedding on Friends when her father decided Jack Geller had to pay for half of the new carpet, landscaping, wine cellar, etc?
     
    *****STUCK IN BOX*******
     
    This is EXACTLY what i thought of.  Ha.
  • db1984 said:
    Anyone else thinking of Ross and Emily's wedding on Friends when her father decided Jack Geller had to pay for half of the new carpet, landscaping, wine cellar, etc?
    yes.... lol I was just going to post that too... 
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  • That's TERRIBLE! Your poor parents. I would be so embarrassed and really mad at FI for not nipping that in the bud the second it started and demanding they call my parents immediately and apologize. I would be so worried about my parents feeling uncomfortable at my own wedding which would just break my heart.
  • How terrible. 

    Ditto PP's on FI talking to his family. They need to be told how uncool this is.

    And honestly - I'd talk to my parents privately as well. Tell them that you and FI only ever expected them to be present and supportive and that the FIL are not a reflection of their son or you. Not because you want to make the IL look worse...but because I worry your parents will be uncomfortable and embarrassed at the wedding thinking that that is what everyone wanted. Just do what you can to make them more comfortable is my biggest thought.

    And ditto the PP who said to keep how much money each set of parents is spending from the other. We took this advice from my sister and her wife and it has been great for us to do as well! No keeping up with Jone's, no guilt for not giving as much - only people who know who helped us out are us. 
  • Help! My fiance and I originally planned to have a small, country themed, DIY, back yard wedding. His parents graciously offered up their large back yard for us to use. Then they offered to pay for all the tables, chairs, and ther DJ. Then they told us not to worry about the centerpieces, they would take care of it....next thing you know they've hired a decorator and catering and a bartender, all the while telling us not to worry about it they'd take care of it.

    Here we are 4 weeks away from the wedding and now they are asking my parents to pay them for half of everything they purchased. My parents are very modest and don't make much money. They are already pitching in as much as they can for the cake/desserts, photography, and rehearsal dinner (amongst other things). I don't know what to do here. I'm mad that they are bugging my parents for the money when we never even asked for any of this stuff, they volunteered and made it sound like they were covering the cost! They also refuse to accept any money from us.

    Advice?

    What is your FI's reaction to all of this?
  • db1984 said:
    Anyone else thinking of Ross and Emily's wedding on Friends when her father decided Jack Geller had to pay for half of the new carpet, landscaping, wine cellar, etc?

    OH!  You all laugh.  But I had a former boss who threw a pool/BBQ party for the office, plus some of his friends, and then asked some of the employees if they AND THEIR SOs could come early and do landscaping and clean up the pool/patio area.  It was unreal.  Two of his project managers he was close were nice enough to help out, but none of us minions would have anything to do with that noise.
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  • Any update, OP?
  • Oh man. I'm sorry you're in this situation. That is incredibly rude of your in-laws. I would absolutely be prepared for them to go back on their promise to fund the wedding. It sounds like they're looking for a reason to be pissed off and withdraw their contribution.Your original idea of a backyard bbq was nice.
  • UPDATE:

    I talked to my fiance and he is going to try and talk to his parents again before they have a chance to talk to mine again (they are planning on getting together this weekend to nail down who is paying for what). He agrees this is out of line. My fiance has never been good at standing up to his parents so this has been a real issue for him. We live in different time zones, so it's hard to get ahold of his parents sometimes, but I'll let you know what happens once we do.

     I have also talked to my parents privately and told them they should not feel obligated in any way to pay for anything that wasn't already agreed upon. They are aware we originally wanted a small diy wedding and know that all this expensive stuff was his parents idea.

    Hopefully my man can talk some sense into his parents.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014

    UPDATE:

    I talked to my fiance and he is going to try and talk to his parents again before they have a chance to talk to mine again (they are planning on getting together this weekend to nail down who is paying for what). He agrees this is out of line. My fiance has never been good at standing up to his parents so this has been a real issue for him. We live in different time zones, so it's hard to get ahold of his parents sometimes, but I'll let you know what happens once we do.

     I have also talked to my parents privately and told them they should not feel obligated in any way to pay for anything that wasn't already agreed upon. They are aware we originally wanted a small diy wedding and know that all this expensive stuff was his parents idea.

    Hopefully my man can talk some sense into his parents.

    Asked with hope for you and no snark whatsoever intended:

    If he can't, what are you planning to do? 
  • your parents should say hey we are paying x for photographer rerhersal dinner and whatever else you said in your post they are paying for its all we could afford and its what we can contribute to the wedding and nothing more..

    they have no right to ask them to pay for half if they wanted that in the first place they should have sat down with your parents and said can you afford to go half half or what can you afford.

    me and fi paid for almost everything my mom helped me with half of my dress and my veil, my parents paid for my rehersal dinner most of my bridal shower ( my sister moh is a college student on a fixed income) gave me money for save the dates stamps to send out those and our invite cards, some money towards the venue. my parents scraped about 3 grand to help us out. me and fi paid the rest of it out of pocket.

    fi mom who wanted nothing to do with the wedding who almost didnt come gave my parents a check to help out with some of the wedding expenses such as rehersal dinner 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    your parents should say hey we are paying x for photographer rerhersal dinner and whatever else you said in your post they are paying for its all we could afford and its what we can contribute to the wedding and nothing more..

    I disagree.  What matters is that they promised to pay for it themselves and now are not only refusing to make good on their promise but trying to make someone else pay for it.  It's really none of the in-laws' business how much the OP's parents, or anyone else for that matter, can or will pay for.  If they don't want to pay for it, they should never have promised to do so.
  • edited August 2014
    Your parents should pay the vendors that they've agreed to cover, directly, and not turn over any funds to your FILs. No need to discuss the amount of money they're contributing.
                       
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