Wedding Guest Pay for Their Own Dinner?

lurkergirl

Oh Lordy. Seriously? No no no no no no no no. Rude rude rude rude rude rude rude. Keep the package. Don't invite people.

Jen4948

Did you lurk at all before posting? If you did, you would have found: 1) Not providing any provisions to your guests, free of charge, even after a small or private ceremony is among the biggest etiquette sins in relation to weddings. 2) We aren't going to endorse outright rudeness or bad ideas. 3) We aren't going to appreciate being accused of "rudeness" or told to stop commenting when we point out to posters, especially new ones, that their proposed plans are rude or otherwise problematic. 4) We encourage all new posters to lurk for a while before posting rather than jumping in with both feet, so as to get a feel for how we collectively feel about points of etiquette and wedding planning.

KBrodbeck8

Ok so all seriousness... What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill? Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

KBrodbeck8

Whats a DD?

sarawifenow

A DD is a dirty delete where people delete their post because they don't like the answers they received. And to answer your question, yes it is still rude to have them pay partially.

 

ETA: Would you invite someone to your house and make them pay for their dinner?

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

Ok so all seriousness... What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill? Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

No.  You need to host everyone completely.  Your guests should not have to open their wallets at your event.

And what do you mean about paying for people you didn't invite?  If they aren't invited then there is no reason to have to pay for a meal for them.  I am confused here.

misshart00

I wouldn't put it on the invitations at all. Just let everyone get their bill at the end of the night.

southernbelle0915

KBrodbeck8 said:

We are getting married and having only close friends and family (around 25 people) come to our out-of-town wedding.  We are going to do a reception/party back home a few weeks later.  How do I word in the invitation that guests at the wedding out-of-town have to pay for their own dinner and drinks?  

The answer is a cute poem:

"Join our Big Cedar wedding

But if you were betting 

On provided dinner and drinking

We say "what were you thinking?!"

Nothing is hosted

So if you plan to eat or get toasted

Bring your own funding

Or don't bother coming!!! "

Whenever you want to say/do something really rude, but you don't want it to sound as rude as it actually is, use poetry, lots of smiley faces and end the super rude sentences with an exclamation point or three.

On the real, you do realize if you actually go through with this, your friends and family will talk shit about how rude you are... like forever, right? 

KBrodbeck8

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

Jen4948

KBrodbeck8 said:

Ok so all seriousness... What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill? Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

No.  Sorry, but it is not appropriate to expect any of your guests to pay for even a portion of their hospitality.

If someone comes whom you didn't invite, you have the options of either letting them in and covering their costs or turning them away.  You do not have to cover the meals for uninvited guests, but in that instance, you need to make it clear that they are not your guests and, if you control the space through ownership or rental, turn them away at the door.  If you allow them to stay, you have to treat them as guests, just like the other people you actually invite, and provide them meals on your own dime.

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

Ok so all seriousness...
What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill?
Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

If your wedding is at 3:00 and lasts 30 minutes, you can have a cake & punch reception for an hour afterwards. It seems obvious that dinner is not in your budget.

And you need to invite significant others, regardless of how long they have been together. You do not need to invite their children, though.

MairePoppy

If you had $1200 to spend, why didn't you just hire an officient to marry you at your party? You could have used the rest of that money to fancy up your party. Bonus, all the people at your party would get to witness the ceremony and be properly hosted.

Now that you've signed the contract and paid, you're stuck. Invite only those you can afford to host. Maybe that means you only invite your immediate family. You could use the money that you've budgeted for your at home party to cover the guests for dinner.

Also, I want to comment on the cake and punch reception. That type of reception is fine as long as you're not expecting extra effort from your guests, such as travelling to a DW. It meets the basic requirements for hosting, but I'd feel obligated to provide something more than that.

 

emanon321

I know a couple who were invited to a wedding a while ago where the guests had to pay for their own food (I think they at least got cake...). Let's just say I STILL hear about how they had to pay for their own food.

chicky1988

KBrodbeck8 said:

Ok so all seriousness... What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill? Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

But if you can pay $20 for each bill, wouldn't it be better to do something smaller and pay for everything?  Rather than still forcing your guests to pay a portion of it themselves?  Especially since you already said you don't need a big party.

So if you are inviting 20 ppl, even if that includes 5 families of 4, that would be $100.  At a grocery store you could get a half sheet cake $20.  Punch would be $20.  Then cake plates, napkins, cups and forks prolly $30.  You would come out with $30 to spare.

AddieCake

I still don't understand how you can't host a reception immediately following but you can a few weeks later.

ETA: And you can't invite your aunt and not her boyfriend. 

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

Yeah, this is not cool. You are splitting up a couple/family by doing this. Why not just invite them to the whole thing? And yes, if they are coming to the dinner then you need to pay for them as well. I am not sure how you planned this but this sounds like a big cluster, no offense. What do you mean by other guests that are staying there? Do you mean other guests that have zero to do with your wedding?

climbingsingle

KBrodbeck8 said:

Ok so all seriousness... What about paying a portion of their meal? Like paying $20 of each bill? Do I still have to pay for the people I didn't invite? Like my aunts new boyfriend's (less than a year together) 5 kids?

NO. You do not invite people to a wedding and expect them to pay for their own food. Stop. 

You're spending $1200 on this elopement/location and throwing another party at home? If all that matters is getting married and you have no budget, why are you having two parties? 

Maggie0829

AddieCake said:

I still don't understand how you can't host a reception immediately following but you can a few weeks later.

Bouncing off of this...OP are you hosting (meaning paying) for the reception a few weeks later? Or are you doing something where it will be on the guests to help fund/provide items for this party?

KBrodbeck8

Dinner is at a restaurant on the resort. Anyone off the street can come in and have dinner.

holyguacamole79

KBrodbeck8 said:

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

You need to invite your aunt's boyfriend to your wedding. And I still can't believe that this venue doesn't have some sort of private area for you to host your guests privately after the wedding.

misshart00

sarahbear31 said:

KBrodbeck8 said:

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

You need to invite your aunt's boyfriend to your wedding. And I still can't believe that this venue doesn't have some sort of private area for you to host your guests privately after the wedding.

I would assume it's because it's the *elopement* package.

MairePoppy

KBrodbeck8 said:

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

I'm glad you're still around and asking questions, it shows that you want to do the right thing.

First, your aunt's boyfriend should be invited, if she's invited. It's rude to exclude one half of a social unit. The kids are a different story. Guests shouldn't bring people to your event that you didn't invite. You may call your aunt and tell her you're sorry for the misunderstanding, but the invitation was only for her and her bf.

It doesn't matter if the dinner will be in a public area with other resort guests. You must pay for the guests that you invited. And no, you may not offer $20 toward their dinner. You should not talk money with your guests, at all.  But, you may set up a limited menu of items you can afford to host. Print up the menus and have them handed to your guests, without the prices. Or take orders ahead of time with the rsvps.

We have lots of suggestions, if you're willing to stick around and chat about your plans.

Maggie0829

KBrodbeck8 said:

Dinner is at a restaurant on the resort. Anyone off the street can come in and have dinner.

Okay, well you need to speak to your venue and see if you can reserve a large table or a group of tables or even a private room so that all of your guests can be seated together.  You then work with them to either create a special menu for your guests (so you can kind of control how much you spend) or you make sure that at the end of the meal the grand total is billed directly to your credit card.

KBrodbeck8

I am not expecting gifts at the wedding. We hav elived in our house for 2 years.  I would rather have my loved ones there than a wedding present.  Them being there is more than enough.  The guests know this.  We are having a really simple party back home in a few weeks where we are cooking a simple meal.  

lurkergirl

KBrodbeck8 said:

There are more people going to dinner than invited to the ceremony.  An example is my aunt is invited to the ceremony, but her boyfriend and his children are not.  But they will be joining us for dinner.  It is not a private dinner either.  It is out in the open with other guest that are staying there as well.  It's not like your typical dinner after a wedding. 

Oh no.  Please, please don't do this.  I know you said you've signed a contract, but you have to figure out something else. 

I promise if you do this everyone will remember your wedding and none of it will be good memories. 

It doesn't matter how much your family and friends love you, they want to celebrate your love with their loved ones, and they want to be fed and have a drink to wash it down.  And they need a seat for all this.  Please listen to what we are telling you.  This is not a good plan.

manateehugger

Maggie0829 said:

KBrodbeck8 said:

Dinner is at a restaurant on the resort. Anyone off the street can come in and have dinner.

Okay, well you need to speak to your venue and see if you can reserve a large table or a group of tables or even a private room so that all of your guests can be seated together.  You then work with them to either create a special menu for your guests (so you can kind of control how much you spend) or you make sure that at the end of the meal the grand total is billed directly to your credit card.

Even if you can't get a private space, I don't care. These aren't random people off the street. These are people you invited and presumably care about. They are not strangers, they are your guests. 

doeydo

Wow.  This is one of the rudest things on here I have ever seen.  Please, OP, listen to these people!  They gave plenty of options including some very budget friendly ones.  Also, you cannot split up a couple or a family unless you want to offend them and come across as a huge bitch by slighting their relationship.  People invited to the reception must be invited to the ceremony, unless you have a truly small ceremony (like under 20 people or so) and a bill ol' reception (like 100, not just an extra 10 people).  Why, you ask?  Do you really want people to feel left out, like second rate guests?

climbingsingle

KBrodbeck8 said:

I am not expecting gifts at the wedding. We hav elived in our house for 2 years.  I would rather have my loved ones there than a wedding present.  Them being there is more than enough.  The guests know this.  We are having a really simple party back home in a few weeks where we are cooking a simple meal.  

So why do those guests at home get a meal provided for them, while the people that are traveling to your "elopement"  have to pay for their own meal?

msuprincess04

KBrodbeck8 said:

Dinner is at a restaurant on the resort. Anyone off the street can come in and have dinner.

Did you make reservaions? Did you plan on sitting together? If so, then this is a reception and should be 100% hosted by you. If not, then you still need to host a reception of some sort.

I agree with others, that you can hold a short cake and punch reception to thank your guests for joining you in celebrating your wedding. Then you can go to dinner or whatever you'd like without worrying about paying for everyone.

lurkergirl

KBrodbeck8 said:

Dinner is at a restaurant on the resort. Anyone off the street can come in and have dinner.

That is irrelevant.  You still need to pay for your guests' food and drinks. 

See if the restaurant can do a set menu for you to help you budget more easily.  Or scrap that and have something simple at home/at another venue.