Bridesmaid for the first time.

bridesmaidlongisland

Hi all , I'm new to this site and a Bridesmaid for the first time. It is my family's member Katie's wedding and the BP is 10 girls. Katie has asked each of us to do something different and she asked me to help her pick a dress , venue and etc. all of which I'm happy to help. Just a bit worried about the whole money situation. She wants to have a lavish Bachelorette Party that will include flights , hotels and etc. probably in Vegas or somewhere very far from where we live. It all seems a little excessive to me. However , I have no idea how any of this works. What duties do I have as a Bridesmaid? What must and must I not attend? I know each wedding is different , just trying to find out what else to expect and the money involved. Thank you girls so much. 

emmaaa

Being a bridesmaid consists of purchasing the BM dress that is within the budget you provide to the bride, showing up the day of the wedding with smile and sober (enough). 

Everything else is not required. If you can't afford to attend the Bachelorette party or all of the showers, you are not required to do so. You also are not required to buy specific shoes, jewelry, get your hair done, nails done or makeup done. 

The Bride should not be planning on hosting her own showers or Bachelorette Party so generally the wedding party members will offer to host. Again, this is not required nor should be expected. If you want to contribute to these events but can't afford to do so alone, go in with some of the others or offer to bring a dish.

Maggie0829

bridesmaidlongisland said:

Hi all , I'm new to this site and a Bridesmaid for the first time. It is my family's member Katie's wedding and the BP is 10 girls. Katie has asked each of us to do something different and she asked me to help her pick a dress , venue and etc. all of which I'm happy to help. Just a bit worried about the whole money situation. She wants to have a lavish Bachelorette Party that will include flights , hotels and etc. probably in Vegas or somewhere very far from where we live. It all seems a little excessive to me. However , I have no idea how any of this works. What duties do I have as a Bridesmaid? What must and must I not attend? I know each wedding is different , just trying to find out what else to expect and the money involved. Thank you girls so much. 

Your only responsibility/duty is to buy the decided on dress (after the bride asks your budget of course).  Anything else you want to do is up to you and how much time and money and effort you want to put into it.

Just because the bride may want a lavish Vegas bachelorette party does not mean that you or any of the other girls in her bridal party need to concede to her request.  When it gets closer to planning a bachelorette party then you and anyone else that wants to be involved in planning need to speak about budgets and ideas.  Then anyone who will be invited also needs to be asked about their budget prior to any big decisions being made (like going to Vegas).

Same goes for the bridal shower.  You can help to host one if you want but you don't have to.  You also don't even have to attend either the shower or bachelorette party if you are unable to.  You also don't have to help her plan her wedding...that should really be her FI job since it is his wedding too.

In the end, you need to be able to stick up for yourself and know that saying "no" is not a bad thing.  You shouldn't over extend yourself or your wallet if you really can't.

[Deleted User]

First thing first is voicing what your BM dress budget is to the bride.   If you can go for a $600 dress, that's cool. If you can only do $50, that's cool, too.  Don't feel you have to pay a certain amount for a dress.  The bride should be willing to work with you on your dress budget.

Everything else is optional.  If MOH or other BMs want to throw her a shower or a bachelorette party, that's fine.  You may be asked to contribute to those events.  Stick with your budget, or if you can't afford what's being asked, see what else you can do.

lurkergirl

Sounds like emmaaa pretty much covered it.  This is the bride and groom's wedding.  If friends and wedding party members offer to help with things, the b&g can accept, but they should not be delegating tasks to each of you.

What they should be talking to you about is your dress budget.  Once that's settled, you should choose and purchase your dress.  Then, you need to show up to the wedding sober (enough, as pp said

If you can make it to other events like shopping, showers, and parties, that's great!  If not, that's okay too because it isn't a requirement. 

FWIW, I have 4 bridesmaids.  If anyone throws me a shower, only 1 will be able to attend.  The others are out of town, and I would not dream of asking them purchase plane tickets and take time off work for everything.  As far as bach parties, we had a girls night with wine and pizza at a friend's house shortly after I got engaged.  That's it, and I love it.

OliveOilsMom

Don't be afraid to say no to any cost that is over your budget.  When I was a BM the first few times, I didn't know how to properly say no when I couldn't afford something.  I thought it was what happened when a BM, you basically just pay money for different things because it's your "duty" as a BM.  So don't be afraid to pass on the OOT b-party or voice your dress budget to the bride, if no one brings up the budget prior to any planning.

thisismynickname2

Everyone else has given you accurate information. I'm aghast that she has 10 bridesmaids and has asked each of them to do something different.  Bridesmaids are not minions. 

That's great she asked you to help her pick a dress, but real life is not Say Yes to the Dress.  If she asked you to help pick a venue, for goodness sake be careful. This is what her fiance is for. It's his (or her) wedding too.  There is zero reason any member of a bridal party should have to help with anything as major as picking a venue.  

You are supposed to be an honored friend, not a slave. Help all you want but do it out of the goodness of your heart, not because you're pressured to. 

levioosa

You don't have any "duties" other than to show up on time, in the right dress, sober, and in good spirits.  Anything else you do is completely up to you.  The bride should be asking for your budgets for attire, and anyone in charge of the Bachelorette party (the Bride should not be planning this herself) should ask you for budgets for that as well.  The Bride really shouldn't be asking you all to do anything, although if you willingly offered to help go ahead and help her.  Don't be bullied into spending more money or time than you can afford.  A good friend will understand if you simply can't afford an excessively lavish vacation (she really shouldn't be asking for that anyways).

I just turned down paying for a $25 for a shirt that said #Bridesmaid for a bridal shower that I literally would have worn once.  $25 to me is the difference between enough gas to get to work, or scrounging up change to take the bus.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little side-eye from the MOH (who hates me anyways, so IDGAF).  You also don't have to host the shower or even contribute if you can't afford it.  It's not anyone's specific "duty" to throw a shower, although it already sounds like the Bride will probably be pressuring her MOH to take care of all of that.  If you can make it to showers, great.  If you can't, then you can't.  One of the BM's for the wedding I'm in now can only make the wedding itself, and maybe the Bachelorette party.  

She sounds like a potential bridezilla, so be prepared.  Don't let her bully you, and if you don't have the time or the money to go scout out a venue, tell her so (politely).  Seriously, her and FI should be doing that, not you.  It's one thing to be like, "Hey, have you ever been to or heard of a gorgeous venue? If so, could you tell me the name so I can check it out?"  It's a completely different deal for her to be like, "Bridesmaid B, you need to find me a venue that is perfect, can accommodate 250 people, and have a full plated dinner with room for a band."  What?!  

Also, ten girls!  Holy crap that's a huge bridal party.  

ETA: Agree with PP's.  Even though she should be asking for budgets, tell her straight up anyways your budget for a dress.  Anything else (shoes, jewelry, nails, hair) is not mandatory, and if the bride requires it, she should pay for it.  

bridesmaidlongisland

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your insight and advice. I agree that she is asking for a lot , and if I can't afford certain things , I can and will say no. 

bridesmaidlongisland

Time2strtliving said:

You don't have any "duties" other than to show up on time, in the right dress, sober, and in good spirits.  Anything else you do is completely up to you.  The bride should be asking for your budgets for attire, and anyone in charge of the Bachelorette party (the Bride should not be planning this herself) should ask you for budgets for that as well.  The Bride really shouldn't be asking you all to do anything, although if you willingly offered to help go ahead and help her.  Don't be bullied into spending more money or time than you can afford.  A good friend will understand if you simply can't afford an excessively lavish vacation (she really shouldn't be asking for that anyways).

I just turned down paying for a $25 for a shirt that said #Bridesmaid for a bridal shower that I literally would have worn once.  $25 to me is the difference between enough gas to get to work, or scrounging up change to take the bus.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little side-eye from the MOH (who hates me anyways, so IDGAF).  You also don't have to host the shower or even contribute if you can't afford it.  It's not anyone's specific "duty" to throw a shower, although it already sounds like the Bride will probably be pressuring her MOH to take care of all of that.  If you can make it to showers, great.  If you can't, then you can't.  One of the BM's for the wedding I'm in now can only make the wedding itself, and maybe the Bachelorette party.  

She sounds like a potential bridezilla, so be prepared.  Don't let her bully you, and if you don't have the time or the money to go scout out a venue, tell her so (politely).  Seriously, her and FI should be doing that, not you.  It's one thing to be like, "Hey, have you ever been to or heard of a gorgeous venue? If so, could you tell me the name so I can check it out?"  It's a completely different deal for her to be like, "Bridesmaid B, you need to find me a venue that is perfect, can accommodate 250 people, and have a full plated dinner with room for a band."  What?!  

Also, ten girls!  Holy crap that's a huge bridal party.  

ETA: Agree with PP's.  Even though she should be asking for budgets, tell her straight up anyways your budget for a dress.  Anything else (shoes, jewelry, nails, hair) is not mandatory, and if the bride requires it, she should pay for it.  

Thanks for your advice. I agree her FI should be helping her pick a place. She claims he'll drive her crazy. Don't know why. 

levioosa

bridesmaidlongisland said:

Time2strtliving said:

You don't have any "duties" other than to show up on time, in the right dress, sober, and in good spirits.  Anything else you do is completely up to you.  The bride should be asking for your budgets for attire, and anyone in charge of the Bachelorette party (the Bride should not be planning this herself) should ask you for budgets for that as well.  The Bride really shouldn't be asking you all to do anything, although if you willingly offered to help go ahead and help her.  Don't be bullied into spending more money or time than you can afford.  A good friend will understand if you simply can't afford an excessively lavish vacation (she really shouldn't be asking for that anyways).

I just turned down paying for a $25 for a shirt that said #Bridesmaid for a bridal shower that I literally would have worn once.  $25 to me is the difference between enough gas to get to work, or scrounging up change to take the bus.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little side-eye from the MOH (who hates me anyways, so IDGAF).  You also don't have to host the shower or even contribute if you can't afford it.  It's not anyone's specific "duty" to throw a shower, although it already sounds like the Bride will probably be pressuring her MOH to take care of all of that.  If you can make it to showers, great.  If you can't, then you can't.  One of the BM's for the wedding I'm in now can only make the wedding itself, and maybe the Bachelorette party.  

She sounds like a potential bridezilla, so be prepared.  Don't let her bully you, and if you don't have the time or the money to go scout out a venue, tell her so (politely).  Seriously, her and FI should be doing that, not you.  It's one thing to be like, "Hey, have you ever been to or heard of a gorgeous venue? If so, could you tell me the name so I can check it out?"  It's a completely different deal for her to be like, "Bridesmaid B, you need to find me a venue that is perfect, can accommodate 250 people, and have a full plated dinner with room for a band."  What?!  

Also, ten girls!  Holy crap that's a huge bridal party.  

ETA: Agree with PP's.  Even though she should be asking for budgets, tell her straight up anyways your budget for a dress.  Anything else (shoes, jewelry, nails, hair) is not mandatory, and if the bride requires it, she should pay for it.  

Thanks for your advice. I agree her FI should be helping her pick a place. She claims he'll drive her crazy. Don't know why. 

Uh....They can't work together well enough for something as simple as picking a venue for a wedding (in the grand scheme of marriage)?  Either she just wants to delegate to the girls and save herself work or that's a red flag for their marriage.  

bridesmaidlongisland

Time2strtliving said:

bridesmaidlongisland said:

Time2strtliving said:

You don't have any "duties" other than to show up on time, in the right dress, sober, and in good spirits.  Anything else you do is completely up to you.  The bride should be asking for your budgets for attire, and anyone in charge of the Bachelorette party (the Bride should not be planning this herself) should ask you for budgets for that as well.  The Bride really shouldn't be asking you all to do anything, although if you willingly offered to help go ahead and help her.  Don't be bullied into spending more money or time than you can afford.  A good friend will understand if you simply can't afford an excessively lavish vacation (she really shouldn't be asking for that anyways).

I just turned down paying for a $25 for a shirt that said #Bridesmaid for a bridal shower that I literally would have worn once.  $25 to me is the difference between enough gas to get to work, or scrounging up change to take the bus.  I'm not going to lie, I got a little side-eye from the MOH (who hates me anyways, so IDGAF).  You also don't have to host the shower or even contribute if you can't afford it.  It's not anyone's specific "duty" to throw a shower, although it already sounds like the Bride will probably be pressuring her MOH to take care of all of that.  If you can make it to showers, great.  If you can't, then you can't.  One of the BM's for the wedding I'm in now can only make the wedding itself, and maybe the Bachelorette party.  

She sounds like a potential bridezilla, so be prepared.  Don't let her bully you, and if you don't have the time or the money to go scout out a venue, tell her so (politely).  Seriously, her and FI should be doing that, not you.  It's one thing to be like, "Hey, have you ever been to or heard of a gorgeous venue? If so, could you tell me the name so I can check it out?"  It's a completely different deal for her to be like, "Bridesmaid B, you need to find me a venue that is perfect, can accommodate 250 people, and have a full plated dinner with room for a band."  What?!  

Also, ten girls!  Holy crap that's a huge bridal party.  

ETA: Agree with PP's.  Even though she should be asking for budgets, tell her straight up anyways your budget for a dress.  Anything else (shoes, jewelry, nails, hair) is not mandatory, and if the bride requires it, she should pay for it.  

Thanks for your advice. I agree her FI should be helping her pick a place. She claims he'll drive her crazy. Don't know why. 

Uh....They can't work together well enough for something as simple as picking a venue for a wedding (in the grand scheme of marriage)?  Either she just wants to delegate to the girls and save herself work or that's a red flag for their marriage.  

I do see your point.

bridesmaidlongisland

I also have a question about the Bridesmaid dresses. Do we all get them together or is it more of a Bride picks them out , sends us the picture and store/website and we get them individually? Or is each Bride different and will choose how to get them? 

slothiegal

Depends on the bride.  I know some women go shopping with their BMs and make a day out of it.  For me, all of my BMs were out of town and lived nowhere near each other, so I told them a color and we all looked together online and shared dresses through email.  I think it just depends on your situation.

emmaaa

That will vary. The bride will need to ask you for your dress budget. Then she could pick out the style and color in that budget and say, "here this is what I want you to wear" and you go buy it. Other brides will take the group of bridemaids shopping to try on styles they like. Personally, I chose the color and designer and told my girls," But whatever style you want. I want you all to feel comfortable and beautiful in your dress." 

Liatris2010

bridesmaidlongisland said:

I also have a question about the Bridesmaid dresses. Do we all get them together or is it more of a Bride picks them out , sends us the picture and store/website and we get them individually? Or is each Bride different and will choose how to get them? 

It depends. The important things are that you can afford the dress and you feel comfortable wearing it. Some brides want everyone to match, others let their BMs pick whatever they want, others give general guidelines (designer, color, length) and then the BMs choose from there.

bridesmaidlongisland

Thank you for all your help!

thisismynickname2

Per your second question, things have gone a few ways for me as a bridesmaid. Once we did a great big multi-store shopping trip in one day, but since we didn't all agree on any, we didn't pick any that day. About a week later the bride sent us a few photos saying, "How about this?" and we all just said "sure!". 

Another time I was simply told, "this is the dress!"--- but in that case, the bride paid for it completely. 

In one more case, when I was the only bridal party member, I saw a cool dress and the bride said, "works for me!"  Done and done!

 

So long as you can afford it, getting a dress shouldn't be a big deal. Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids would have us believe otherwise, for sure....

bridesmaidlongisland

thisismynickname said:

Per your second question, things have gone a few ways for me as a bridesmaid. Once we did a great big multi-store shopping trip in one day, but since we didn't all agree on any, we didn't pick any that day. About a week later the bride sent us a few photos saying, "How about this?" and we all just said "sure!". 

Another time I was simply told, "this is the dress!"--- but in that case, the bride paid for it completely. 

In one more case, when I was the only bridal party member, I saw a cool dress and the bride said, "works for me!"  Done and done!

 

So long as you can afford it, getting a dress shouldn't be a big deal. Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids would have us believe otherwise, for sure....

Haha yes , after watching all these dress shows , one may believe to think that. I believe there is a BM one now? Not sure though. 

thisismynickname2

bridesmaidlongisland said:

thisismynickname said:

Per your second question, things have gone a few ways for me as a bridesmaid. Once we did a great big multi-store shopping trip in one day, but since we didn't all agree on any, we didn't pick any that day. About a week later the bride sent us a few photos saying, "How about this?" and we all just said "sure!". 

Another time I was simply told, "this is the dress!"--- but in that case, the bride paid for it completely. 

In one more case, when I was the only bridal party member, I saw a cool dress and the bride said, "works for me!"  Done and done!

 

So long as you can afford it, getting a dress shouldn't be a big deal. Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids would have us believe otherwise, for sure....

Haha yes , after watching all these dress shows , one may believe to think that. I believe there is a BM one now? Not sure though. 

 

STUCK in box

Yes, there's a Bridesmaids version for Atlanta! It's brutal. So many "I wanted to be the MOH" and sister-versus-sister angst and fights over color and fights over what's flattering for 15 different women of various shapes... Seriously in my experience the bridesmaids just suck it up (within reason) and wear whatever the bride chooses within budget. Perhaps we're an easygoing crowd.  

biggrouch

Theoretically, a bridesmaid should feel free to decline any pre-wedding event she can't afford. Practically speaking, there is just so much pressure -- even if the bride doesn't pressure you, which sounds kinda unlikely with this girl, internally you feel like you have to sacrifice as much as possible to make it to these events or else you'll be beating yourself up for being a bad friend.

If I were you, I'd bend over backwards to help her with the venue picking, the shopping, etc. -- all the things you can help out with for free over the internet. You sound like you are a lovely person who is happy to help out anyway! But don't let your niceness pressure you into spending money you can't afford or would resent because your friend wants to be taken on a fancy vacation. Use the memory of how generous you've been with your time and caring, to fortify you against feeling tempted to go broke over the bachelorette party. If she wants to go to Vegas, she's going to have to go with only her less frugal friends. And you can rest easy knowing you've helped her with a bunch of other wedding stuff like the great friend you are.

bridesmaidlongisland

biggrouch said:

Theoretically, a bridesmaid should feel free to decline any pre-wedding event she can't afford. Practically speaking, there is just so much pressure -- even if the bride doesn't pressure you, which sounds kinda unlikely with this girl, internally you feel like you have to sacrifice as much as possible to make it to these events or else you'll be beating yourself up for being a bad friend.

If I were you, I'd bend over backwards to help her with the venue picking, the shopping, etc. -- all the things you can help out with for free over the internet. You sound like you are a lovely person who is happy to help out anyway! But don't let your niceness pressure you into spending money you can't afford or would resent because your friend wants to be taken on a fancy vacation. Use the memory of how generous you've been with your time and caring, to fortify you against feeling tempted to go broke over the bachelorette party. If she wants to go to Vegas, she's going to have to go with only her less frugal friends. And you can rest easy knowing you've helped her with a bunch of other wedding stuff like the great friend you are.

Aw thanks I really appreciate it. You have all been a great help.