Is it ok to suggest the engagement ring you'd like??

esb1244

My BF and I have been talking about getting engaged. We have been together for 7 years but we have both had a lot of difficulty finding steady work so finances have always been a big obstacle for us and, while he has finally landed a FT position, he is concerned about not having the resources to buy a ring. I found a wedding set that I think is perfect and inexpensive. What is the etiquette about suggesting the kind of rind you'd like? I want to show him that this isn't something that has to monopolize our funds, but I don't want to step on his toes if picking the ring is something he wants to do.

Dignity100

That's really between you and your BF.  Some guys want input others do not.  My FI wanted me to pick out every aspect of my ring.  You could probably start by talking to him about a timeline for life events (including getting engaged and married).

Swazzle

The first step is discussing this together and getting on the same page. My husband and I both wanted me to be involved in the ring decisions. If he had wanted it to be a complete surprise, we would have had to compromise somehow.

If you want to give input, you should tell him that. Each couple is different, there's no right or wrong. You could browse together, browse by yourself and share your findings with him, or leave it entirely up to him. But first, there needs to be a discussion about each of your wants/needs/expectations.

bookishgiraffes

My BF and I discussed our timeline and everything first. In another discussion, he mentioned his price frame, and I suggested my own price frame (his was higher and I'd rather use that extra money towards something else). He asked what I was interested in, and I've shown him suggestions. We came up with a situation where we will browse together, but he will choose one out of the rings I like. So he gets to do the choosing, but he knows I'm going to love what he gets, and we're both aware of what the price will be and it will be a price point that we are both comfortable with. 

phira

Assume for a moment that whatever it is you want, your boyfriend wants exactly the same thing, in terms of input on the ring. What, then, would you want? How much input? Because it sounds like you want to make some input, but you're afraid that he'll get upset with you.

If you really don't have a preference, and would be 100% fine with having no input and having it be a surprise from him, then I'd ask him, "Hey, would it be okay for us to talk about rings together? Or do you want it to be a complete surprise?"

If you would prefer to have input, or he says, "Sure, input sounds fine!" I'd say something like, "I found a ring set the other day that I really love. Can I show it to you?"

LabLove86

I'm gonna echo PP and say this really needs to be something that you talk to your BF about. Personally - I told BF once we realized we were it for each other (like 3 months in . . . .) that when he was ready, to let me know and take me shopping with him. Because when it comes to jewelry I am PICKY. Like - extremely picky. Fast forward a year - and he has in the last monthish told me that by the end of the year the ring will be either on my finger or on order. And he said "Go do research, pick out what you want. When we go shopping - I would prefer for you to know what you want." So of course I was like "Don't you want SOME input?" And he said "No way. You're the one who has to wear it for the rest of your life, I want you to love it. I want you to WANT to wear it. Plus - you can't blame me if you pick something you don't like." ~ But I know this isn't a conversation that would go over well in every relationship. So - just talk to him about it. See what you're both comfortable with. ****OMG PARAGRAPHS TK****

eilis1228

Like everyone else has said, this is something you need to talk to your BF about. For some couples, picking out the ring together is a big deal. For others, it's important for the guy to do it. Whatever you guys both decide to do is up to you. There is no right or wrong way to go about it.

labro

Everything else has pretty much said everything I would say. There is nothing wrong or taboo about bringing up the subject with your BF and having a discussion over it. He may say he prefers to pick it out and have everything be a surprise...or he may be relieved to know what your preferences are. FI and I had a few casual conversations before we got engaged about my preferences - white gold over yellow or rose gold, round or princess cut, no diamond trios, stuff like that...and he picked out the ring entirely on his own after that. Other people have worked with their FI or H to completely custom design their ring. It's different for every couple. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with each other.

GoldenPenguin

After we went ring shopping and I was able to try on morganite & solidify that it was what I wanted, I sent him the picture of the ring I 100% wanted - he sent that picture to the jeweler, and the jeweler made my exact ring. 

I didn't want something traditional, so I knew that I had to tell him specifics if I wanted to get it. He was fine with it because he wanted me to be happy with the ring, since I was the one who will be wearing it for the rest of my life.

esb1244

Thanks everyone! Very helpful!

peachy13

I literally sent my FI a picture of my dream ring and told him what size finger I was. A few months later he went ring shopping and showed the salespeople the picture I had sent him. 

The proposal was a surprise and my FI had all the confidence in the world that I would love the ring.

luckya23

I too picked my own ring, but only you know if your BF is the type to want to do it on his own. Mine went on his own the first time, and came right home and admitted to me he was lost with it! That was actually my first inkling he was ready to get engaged. So I basically said don't worry about it, I'll do it! If you know that he's worried about the cost, I think that's the perfect opportunity to bring up "hey I found a great deal on this ring set that I think will be perfect!"

speakeasy14

Personally, I do not want to pick out my ring.  I would prefer something bf picked out on his own because he knew it was perfect for me... but my bf is a jeweler so he also knows jewelry better than I do.

That being said, if your bf has said he would like an idea of what you would like, then definitely let him know.  There is nothing wrong with stating what you would like to have.  But make sure to talk this over with him so that you both are on the same page. 

GoldenPenguin

speakeasy14 said:

Personally, I do not want to pick out my ring.  I would prefer something bf picked out on his own because he knew it was perfect for me... but my bf is a jeweler so he also knows jewelry better than I do.

That being said, if your bf has said he would like an idea of what you would like, then definitely let him know.  There is nothing wrong with stating what you would like to have.  But make sure to talk this over with him so that you both are on the same page. 

This is great in theory, not always good in execution. 

luckya23

GoldenPenguin said:

speakeasy14 said:

Personally, I do not want to pick out my ring.  I would prefer something bf picked out on his own because he knew it was perfect for me... but my bf is a jeweler so he also knows jewelry better than I do.

That being said, if your bf has said he would like an idea of what you would like, then definitely let him know.  There is nothing wrong with stating what you would like to have.  But make sure to talk this over with him so that you both are on the same page. 

This is great in theory, not always good in execution. 

Haha, so true! Mine said, "Well you never wear jewelry so I thought you'd want something simple... how should I have known you were a gypsy at heart!" lol

But lucky @speakeasy14!  Jeweler Future Husband! 

minskat30

I helped H design my ring.  It is actually part of the reason I started posting here.  I thought I wanted to be surprised and let H pick it out so I was torn when he asked me for advice and what I liked (I had no clue).  The ladies here were very helpful in reminding me that the ring wouldn't be "less special" because I helped him. 

That said, H asked me and I didn't bring it up on my own.  The easiest way to bring it up might be to mention it casually the next time you guys are talking marriage along the line of asking him if he wants any help from you and that you found something that might work within a reasonable budget if he wants to see it.  Good luck!

BreMR

I'm kind of late to the game here, but I just wanted to say that I was one of those girls who sent pictures of rings to her bf all of the time... and it wasn't until I went ring shopping with my fiance that I realized I wanted something completely different!

My fiance and I picked out my ring 100% together, except that I definitely wanted to go with something he loved too.. I wouldn't want him to get me something he didn't like..

Pepperally

My FI always knew he wanted me to not know anything about him buying it or when the proposal would happen, etc., and that was fine because I had been engaged before and I was there when my ex bought it.  

With current FI, we had our progressive discussions about marriage and we would occasionally stop in jewelry stores while out shopping and first just look at them through the glass, then it evolved to him asking to see some with me there so I could try them on and give input.  We did that many times during the year or so prior to the engagement.  I never sent him pics or anything.  The ring browsing got more frequent within the 6 months prior, though.  I always emphasized that I didn't want him to spend anything over $X amount. 

There was one that I couldn't get out of my head, so when we would pass the jewelry store I'd perhaps mention how much I liked that ring.  That is the ring he ended up getting!  He tried to throw me off in the end during one of our browsing trips by having me look at completely different styles, saying he decided he liked those styles now.  But really he was testing me to make sure I still was sticking to the same style of the ring he was going to buy me.  Which I did.  Nothing else quite spoke to me the way this one did.  Sounds cheesy, but true. 

CateM87

Just wanted to share my story and input... I was previously engaged a few years ago and did not pick out my ring. He knew what I liked but I urged him to take my bff to help out, just to make sure he got what I wanted. Long story short he didn't ask her opinion and got something completely different from what I liked, because HE liked it better. I. Hated. My. Ring. I really wish he would have asked my bff's opinion because I got stuck wearing the exact ring I DIDN'T want. And no, the ring had nothing to do with the eventual end of the relationship. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a guy who values my opinion, so when he decided he wanted to start looking at rings last month, I went with him. We LOVED it! It was a very fun experience, and now he feels confident that he can pick from a handful I loved and get me something I will love to have on my hand every day. Bottom line...if helping pick out your own ring is something you want to do, discuss it with your SO and don't feel bad! He will most likely love that you have an opinion and want to help!