Bridal party & half siblings

sdestefano12

I'm getting ready to ask those special people to me to be in my bridal party. My finance and I want to have a small bridal party (7-8 people total). My dilemma is that I have a brother that I am asking to be in the bridal party- we are 3 years apart and grew up together (my full brother). I also have a half brother (we share our dad and did not grow up together and never lived in the same house) who I don't plan on asking. My half brother is 39 and I am 23 so he would be a lot older than anyone else in our bridal party.. Plus, we just aren't that close. He has had a wild life, been in a bad place for years when I didn't see him growing up. Now he has settled down since he had his kids but we still aren't close. I was in his wedding when I was 13 but he also had an insanely large bridal party (30 people!!!). I will probably ask him two little boys to be my ring bearers but will not ask my half brother to be in the wedding. Is this terrible? He is obnoxious and would make all my other bridal party members so I really don't want to and my parents seem to totally understand why I wouldn't want him in it ( everyone sort of dreads seeing him because he is cocky and selfish ). I do really hate hurting feeling and I was in his wedding.. Is it ok to not have him in mine?

RebeccaFlower

sdestefano12 said:

I'm getting ready to ask those special people to me to be in my bridal party. My finance and I want to have a small bridal party (7-8 people total). My dilemma is that I have a brother that I am asking to be in the bridal party- we are 3 years apart and grew up together (my full brother). I also have a half brother (we share our dad and did not grow up together and never lived in the same house) who I don't plan on asking. My half brother is 39 and I am 23 so he would be a lot older than anyone else in our bridal party.. Plus, we just aren't that close. He has had a wild life, been in a bad place for years when I didn't see him growing up. Now he has settled down since he had his kids but we still aren't close. I was in his wedding when I was 13 but he also had an insanely large bridal party (30 people!!!). I will probably ask him two little boys to be my ring bearers but will not ask my half brother to be in the wedding. Is this terrible? He is obnoxious and would make all my other bridal party members so I really don't want to and my parents seem to totally understand why I wouldn't want him in it ( everyone sort of dreads seeing him because he is cocky and selfish ). I do really hate hurting feeling and I was in his wedding.. Is it ok to not have him in mine?

Weddings aren't tit for tat. You absolutely shouldn't have anyone in your BP that you don't like, you're free to pick and choose as long as you know people might be upset about it. Just be ready to stick to your guns. 

If you really wanted to include him, ask him to do a reading. This is the only other 'job' that is appropriate to ask of anyone. Some people ask ushers but I think that's up there with guest book attendant. 

ETA: words are hard before coffee.

AddieCake

No, it is not terrible. You should not ask someone with whom you are not close to be in your wedding party. 

JaxInBlue

It's perfectly fine to limit your bridal party and to exclude family members you are not close to in making your selections.  Rationally, every couple getting married needs to draw a line somewhere in order to prevent having a wedding party larger than they are comfortable hosting.

That said, I'm also a believer in owning the consequences of your decisions.  Excluding your half-brother from the wedding party may cause hurt feelings or do some damage to your relationship with him; it may impact your nephews participation in your wedding.  You have to be comfortable with the potential for risk and willing to not change your mind due to pressure or nastiness. 

I'm not usually a fan of giving people roles in weddings just to pacify them but this might be a case where you could consider if there is another honor role you would feel comfortable with your half-brother playing.  For example, could you ask him to do a reading during the ceremony?  Is there a VIP, like a paternal grandmother, that he could escort to her seat during the processional?  Neither of these would require he be in your bridal party.

TL; DR: I guess my advice is: yes, absolutely fine not to ask him, but there might be other, non-bridal party ways he could participate that would be more comfortable to you and less exclusionary feeling to him (if you were inclined to ask).

STARMOON44

He's 39. You aren't close. Doubt he'll care at all.

theartistformerlyknownas

sdestefano12 said:

I'm getting ready to ask those special people to me to be in my bridal party. My finance and I want to have a small bridal party (7-8 people total). My dilemma is that I have a brother that I am asking to be in the bridal party- we are 3 years apart and grew up together (my full brother). I also have a half brother (we share our dad and did not grow up together and never lived in the same house) who I don't plan on asking. My half brother is 39 and I am 23 so he would be a lot older than anyone else in our bridal party.. Plus, we just aren't that close. He has had a wild life, been in a bad place for years when I didn't see him growing up. Now he has settled down since he had his kids but we still aren't close. I was in his wedding when I was 13 but he also had an insanely large bridal party (30 people!!!). I will probably ask him two little boys to be my ring bearers but will not ask my half brother to be in the wedding. Is this terrible? He is obnoxious and would make all my other bridal party members so I really don't want to and my parents seem to totally understand why I wouldn't want him in it ( everyone sort of dreads seeing him because he is cocky and selfish ). I do really hate hurting feeling and I was in his wedding.. Is it ok to not have him in mine?

To me, the bolded is the only relevant portion of your explanation. You should not have anyone in your bridal party with whom you are not close. Period. Doesn't matter what his blood relation to you is or how old he is or how wild he may have been in his past. If you're not close, don't ask him. 

Now that being said, the same goes for his kids. If you're not close with him, how close are you to his children? You shouldn't choose them just because they're the right age to be "props" in your wedding. (Not saying you are, but that's what people often do.) 

ilhp187

I think you are fine not asking him to be in your wedding since the two of you aren't close.  I have 8 cousins on my one side of the family and I am extremely close with one of them, he is like a brother to me.  We're also great friends and have vacationed together and hang out a lot.  I am having him in the wedding but none of my other cousins and nobody gave it a second thought because everybody understands that he and I are very close.  I think your half brother will totally understand.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

sdestefano12 said:

I'm getting ready to ask those special people to me to be in my bridal party. My finance and I want to have a small bridal party (7-8 people total). My dilemma is that I have a brother that I am asking to be in the bridal party- we are 3 years apart and grew up together (my full brother). I also have a half brother (we share our dad and did not grow up together and never lived in the same house) who I don't plan on asking. My half brother is 39 and I am 23 so he would be a lot older than anyone else in our bridal party.. Plus, we just aren't that close. He has had a wild life, been in a bad place for years when I didn't see him growing up. Now he has settled down since he had his kids but we still aren't close. I was in his wedding when I was 13 but he also had an insanely large bridal party (30 people!!!). I will probably ask him two little boys to be my ring bearers but will not ask my half brother to be in the wedding. Is this terrible? He is obnoxious and would make all my other bridal party members so I really don't want to and my parents seem to totally understand why I wouldn't want him in it ( everyone sort of dreads seeing him because he is cocky and selfish ). I do really hate hurting feeling and I was in his wedding.. Is it ok to not have him in mine?

To me, the bolded is the only relevant portion of your explanation. You should not have anyone in your bridal party with whom you are not close. Period. Doesn't matter what his blood relation to you is or how old he is or how wild he may have been in his past. If you're not close, don't ask him. 

Now that being said, the same goes for his kids. If you're not close with him, how close are you to his children? You shouldn't choose them just because they're the right age to be "props" in your wedding. (Not saying you are, but that's what people often do.) 

This^

If you are not close with your brother, I would not ask his children to be in your bridal party either.

sdestefano12

They're children, not props & I have no plans of sticking them in a corner for people to look at and take pictures of.  I just wanted to incorporate them into my bridal party to have a representation of my dad's side of the family &  I figured it would make my half brother feel involved.  Plus, I would much rather have the sweet children in my bridal party than my (insane) brother.  I do see the kids more often than my brother, because my parent's babysit them from time to time.  I didn't think anyone would take it as me using the children.  I would not be insulted, hurt, or upset if they children weren't in it.  I was doing it as a nice gesture.

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses.  I feel more confident in my decision.  I always try to be the nice person & not hurt anyone's feelings but I think this is the right choice for me.  I appreciate everyone's input.

PrettyGirlLost

Yeah it's a wedding, not Congress. . . I don't think everyone necessarily needs equal representation.

If you want to include your Dad's side of the family you could have your Dad walk you down the aisle, someone else on that side do a reading, etc.

I just don't think it's a good idea from an avoiding drama sense not to include your brother but to have his kids in your wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas

sdestefano12 said:

They're children, not props & I have no plans of sticking them in a corner for people to look at and take pictures of.  I just wanted to incorporate them into my bridal party to have a representation of my dad's side of the family &  I figured it would make my half brother feel involved.  Plus, I would much rather have the sweet children in my bridal party than my (insane) brother.  I do see the kids more often than my brother, because my parent's babysit them from time to time.  I didn't think anyone would take it as me using the children.  I would not be insulted, hurt, or upset if they children weren't in it.  I was doing it as a nice gesture.

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses.  I feel more confident in my decision.  I always try to be the nice person & not hurt anyone's feelings but I think this is the right choice for me.  I appreciate everyone's input.

Honestly, this still says "prop" to me. Nobody should be there as representation or just because they're sweet. Ring bearers aren't a necessary component of a wedding to begin with, and shouldn't be seen as a space to fill "just because." The reason you choose people should be "I want to include them in my wedding because they mean the world to me and my wedding wouldn't feel complete without them." 

Maybe nobody at your wedding will feel this way, but it's a possibility. Just something to think about. You shouldn't feel obligated to choose anyone because of sides - it's an honor to be included as a guest.

wrigleyville

PrettyGirlLost said:

Yeah it's a wedding, not Congress. . . I don't think everyone necessarily needs equal representation.

*SITB*

I love this comment so much.

twitterbird

Have who you want in your bridal party. My fiancé has a half brother, half sister, and a full brother. His full brother is his best man and he is the only one of the three in the bridal party.

sdestefano12

 

[Deleted User]

sdestefano12 said:

I won't even frustrate myself during this stressful by responding to your thoughtless comment.  I just ask that you, please, think before being so negative and cynical to other future brides about their concerns.  Don't pick apart people's responds and look for the worst thing you can find.  I'm sure other people can relate to my "representation" comment (for the record, I love my nephews & I just want my dad's side and half brother to feel involved).  This should be a happy time for people, don't add on to their stress.  You did not write a response to be helpful, which is the entire point of the discussion board.

It's often helpful if you quote someone so they know you're talking to them.  I have no idea what this post means.

sdestefano12

adk19 said:

It's often helpful if you quote someone so they know you're talking to them.  I have no idea what this post means.

Sorry, I'm new to here.  (Won't be posting anymore though.. I thought everyone would try to be helpful)  Thanks to those who were kind and answered my question, I appreciate it.

theartistformerlyknownas

sdestefano12 said:

adk19 said:

It's often helpful if you quote someone so they know you're talking to them.  I have no idea what this post means.

Sorry, I'm new to here.  (Won't be posting anymore though.. I thought everyone would try to be helpful)  Thanks to those who were kind and answered my question, I appreciate it.

***...I'm sure TK will eat my quote box on mobile...***

Everyone was nice to you. Utilizing sarcasm is not rude. Neither is trying to reveal to you the ways in which your guests may feel without telling you.

VulgarGirl

If you're involving your full brother...how is your dad's side not represented? I mean...you guys share the same mother and father (that's what a full sibling is)....so..how does only your older half brother's side represent your dad's family? Or...I'm so confused. 

I know I know, she already peaced out for some reason (I guess not high fiving her on all decisions?), but it's seriously confusing me.

doeydo

MagicInk said:

If you're involving your full brother...how is your dad's side not represented? I mean...you guys share the same mother and father (that's what a full sibling is)....so..how does only your older half brother's side represent your dad's family? Or...I'm so confused. 

I know I know, she already peaced out for some reason (I guess not high fiving her on all decisions?), but it's seriously confusing me.

My goodness, it's as if people don't agree with every single thing a newbie bride says on here then everyone is "mean" and "not supportive".  Maybe we should still express our opinions but give lots of happy emoticons, pictures, and gifs?