Wedding Etiquette Forum

What do I call my in-laws after we're married?!

I have a bit of a dilemma with what to call my in-law's after the wedding.  I have always called them Mr. and Mrs. "Last Name."  I would love to continue calling them that but they do not want me to.  I would just get over it and call them mom and dad but I have a stepfather who has raised me and I do not call him dad, I call him by his first name, so I would feel really awful calling FFIL "Dad" and my stepdad by his first name.  I thought my only option would be to call them by their first names, which my FFIL has said he is fine with.  The problem is that FMIL has said that she does not want me to call her by her first name and some of fiance's older family members have said that they feel that it would be disrespectful for me to call in-laws by their first names so now I feel like I can't do that either!  People keep telling me to avoid calling them anything but I don't feel like I can avoid addressing them forever!  This is stressing me out!  Any advice would be appreciated!
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Re: What do I call my in-laws after we're married?!

  • danamwdanamw member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited August 2014

    I believe in talking about things like this. FI's older relatives aren't going to be around all the time, are they? Call FFIL by his first name like he says he is fine with. When the older folk are around you could call him Mr Jones for the day.

    Just ask FMIL what she wants you to call her. Mrs J, or Mom Mary, or anything she says. Asking will cut through a lot of trial & error.

    Funny that the whole 10 years I had a MIL (she died) I didn't call her anything. And I don't think my 2 BIL's did either!

  • Generally, the etiquette rule is refer to people as Mr. and Mrs. LastName until they tell you "call me John/Jane". 

    But taking into consideration that they're your FILs and depending on your relationship with them, you might consider having a conversation with them about it. Go into the conversation knowing what you're comfortable with. Are you ok calling them John/Jane? What about Mom/Dad? 

    I call my ILs "Mr. and Mrs. LastName" when we started dating. They told me to call them John/Jane, so I did. "Jane" has told me I can call her Mom (now that we're married). Although I love her, I already have a mom so I'm good on that. "John" has never said anything, so I just keep calling him John.
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  • They don't want you to call them by their first names but they want you to call them mom and dad? I don't understand the logic.  I like MandyMost's wording. Worst comes to worse, you call the Mr & Mrs. 

    My BIL calls out in-laws mom & dad and they love it, so I was nervous about it but I just continued to call them by their first name. I have parents and will not under any circumstances call them mom & dad. 
  • If they don't want you to call them Mr & Mrs and FMIL doesn't want you to call her by her first name, what did she suggest instead? 

    It would be inconsiderate of her to expect you to call them mom and dad if you don't want to do so. What does you FI say? If she don't want you to call her by her first name then I would stick with Mr & Mrs, it's only option.

    Or....do what I do - avoid saying their name. I tried calling my ILs by mom and dad and just can't do it. So now if I am talking to someone about one of them I use "your husband," "your aunt," etc. To their face I try to avoid using a title or surname entirely. Once some time has passed I plan to slowly break out the first names. I just didn't want to jump form mom and dad to first names bc I figured it would hurt their feelings.

    GL! FMIL has put you in a tough spot.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • ilhp187 said:
    I have a bit of a dilemma with what to call my in-law's after the wedding.  I have always called them Mr. and Mrs. "Last Name."  I would love to continue calling them that but they do not want me to.  I would just get over it and call them mom and dad but I have a stepfather who has raised me and I do not call him dad, I call him by his first name, so I would feel really awful calling FFIL "Dad" and my stepdad by his first name.  I thought my only option would be to call them by their first names, which my FFIL has said he is fine with.  The problem is that FMIL has said that she does not want me to call her by her first name and some of fiance's older family members have said that they feel that it would be disrespectful for me to call in-laws by their first names so now I feel like I can't do that either!  People keep telling me to avoid calling them anything but I don't feel like I can avoid addressing them forever!  This is stressing me out!  Any advice would be appreciated!

    Call your FFIL by his first name, as he is fine with that. Keep calling your FMIL by Mrs. Whatever. If she says call me Mom, tell her that you would feel uncomfortable calling her Mom. It will work out in time.
  • They is almost beyond me.. maybe social/class thing I've never had to deal with. Unless I am at work or school I've only ever called anyone by their first name. If you are marrying into a family and they still dont want you using first names.. is odd to me if people are telling you it's disrecpectful. Can you give us more of your and FI's family background?? Maybe if you sit down and ask her directly about it?
  • Agree with PPs.  Ask more specifically what they would like to be called and then, with your FI if it is more comfortable for, talk about what you are comfortable using.  I've noticed that what I call my in-laws varies depending on the context.  When I'm writing something that is signed from DH and me, it's Mom and Dad, since that's what he calls them.  When I am talking about them it's usually "your mom sent me the family recipe for stuffed cabbage" or "what did your dad think about the game last night?"   On the very few occasions where I'm talking about them with other in-laws, it's Mom Smith or Dad Smith. 

    There are not a lot of times where I need to directly address my in-laws by a name but when it does happen, I've gone from calling them Mom Smith or Dad Smith to Mom and Dad as I've felt more comfortable with them.  My parents don't mind and don't see it as a slight, but I know that some parents would/do and some people feel uncomfortable calling anyone but their own parents those names.  I think that's why talking about it is important.

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    Anniversary


  • Call FFIL Joe, and FMIL Susan. I assume these people call you by your first name? Unless this uptight brat is referring to you as Ms. Stevens she'll get over it. You aren't a child. And if she does fuss say "oh, I didn't realize things were still so formal between us. Please do call me Mrs. Lastname." Absurd.
  • I'm a rude person, so if I'm not sure what to call people, I just forgo names/titles, etc. and go "So what do you think about those whatevers that are relevant to the conversation?" Or, if I'm showing up for a holiday dinner and they say "Hey Beethery!" I just say "Hey, thank you for having us!"

    Which is probably not great because then I still have no idea what to call them.

    However, if Mrs. Hoity-Toitington and her relatives can't relax on the title, you know what to call them by. If FFIL is a drinker, wait until he's had a couple drinks and go, "What do you want to be referred to as? Mrs. Hoity-Toitington wants to be referred to as that, and I wanted to make sure I know how to refer to you."
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • I've always called MIL by her first name.   That never changed.  

     DH started calling my parents "Mr and Mrs".  My parents said way too formal.  Especially when DH called their friends and siblings by their first name.  So he calls them by their first names, but you can tell he is not completely comfortable with that.    We are not around them much so it's not an issue.

    My sister's in-laws are the 'mom and dad" type   My sister is not about that.  Now she has kids she calls them "grammy and pop".  Her husband doesn't call my parents anything. 

    Both brothers call their in-laws by their first name.    One SIL calls my parents "mom and dad" (sounds so weird coming from her mouth).  The other is first name.

    My parents do not want to be called Mr and Mrs by their daughters or sons-in-law.  Anything else is fine.




    Sort-of off topic, but at the club we are told to call members Mr and Mrs.  Fine, NBD.     So I was bar tending the other day and said "hello Mr Smith".    Mr Smith said "damnit Lynda, I've told you it's Roger".      So later in the night I went over to his table and said "do you need anything ROGER".    He and the rest of the table laughed.   I think the supervisor turned pale.    

    Whatever, if a member tells me twice to call him by his first name, I'm calling him by their first name.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AddieCake said:
    I think you should call them Thunder and Lightning. I once knew people who didn't want to be called Grandma and Grandpa (or any form of that) so that's what the kids called them. 


    I am stealing this.

    Really, FILs upon first meeting did the 'oh, call me FirstName'. FMIL has pulled the 'call me Mom' card, but as some PPs have said, I'm fine with the Mom I already have, thanks.

    I'm sorta waiting until we have a kid to also do the "Gran and Gramps" namechange, and just avoiding until then!
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  • AddieCake said:
    I think you should call them Thunder and Lightning. I once knew people who didn't want to be called Grandma and Grandpa (or any form of that) so that's what the kids called them. 


    *****STUCK IN BOX******
     
    The above is the best thing i have ever heard.
     
    I call my in-laws by their first names if i HAVE to address them by something.  SIL was married before we were, and her husband calls them by their first names, so i just copied him.  DH tries not to call my parents anything if he can help it, but he has called my mother Mom on occassion.
  • danamw said:

    Funny that the whole 10 years I had a MIL (she died) I didn't call her anything. And I don't think my 2 BIL's did either!

    I also had a MIL for 10 years (divorce) that I didn't call anything! How funny. I call my boyfriend's dad and step-mom by their first names and that won't be changing.
  • Um, we're not five.  It is no longer "disrespectful" to call an adult by their first name.

    Also, I think her requesting for you to call her "Mom" is over the line, or at least it would be for me.  I already have a Mom.  And while I call my best friend's mom "Mama H," it's because I grew up with her and I love her.  


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  • melbensomelbenso member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2014
    I call my MIL and SFIL by their first names because that is what I always called them and they never said anything different to me.

    When we got married, my parents told DH he could call them mom and dad if he wanted to or continue to call them by their first names. He's still going with first names.  But both of my parents called both sets of my grandparents mom and dad, as did most - if not all - of their siblings' spouses, so it's just a normal thing in my family.  However, my parents aren't the least bit offended that DH chose to still call them by their first names.

    ETA - It would be weird to call the in-laws Mr. and Mrs.  I suggest that the next time you see them, you ask if they would mind if you call them by their first names or  whatever you are comfortable calling them.
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  • I call my ffil by first name, so that won't change

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  • Yeah both H & I avoid using names as much as possible. For my ILs I use their first names. For my parents, H has called my mother by her first name, but I don't if he's ever been forced to use my dad's. The funny thing I just realized is that I don't know if H even knows my grandmothers' first names. Everyone on the planet calls my nana "Nana." I don't think he could even tell you her actual first name. And he always refers to my grandmother as "Your grandmother" so I think I'll have to quiz him tonight. In your situation I think I would probably just use Mr. & Mrs. because there is no way in hell I would be using "mom & dad."
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  • lyndausvi said:
     
     DH started calling my parents "Mr and Mrs".  My parents said way too formal.  Especially when DH called their friends and siblings by their first name.  So he calls them by their first names, but you can tell he is not completely comfortable with that.    We are not around them much so it's not an issue.
     
    SIB:
     
    I also felt a little weird calling BF's dad by his first name. It was a little strange at first to call an 80-year-old man, "Jay," but that's his name and what he wants to be called. Eventually I got over it, and it seems pretty natural now. His stepmom, "Mary" is 87 and, for some reason, that didn't feel as uncomfortable.
     
  • I'd ask them for lists of alternatives that they would be fine with you calling them, and you choose something you're comfortable with off the lists.
  • Find a compromise. MIL asked me to call her mom, but that was weird because she's not my mom, so I call her Mom C ( her last initial).
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  • I had asked a similar question back in June - Clicky

    I call my in-laws by their first name as I always have. Sometimes when I am with H's siblings and we are talking about their parents I may refer to them as mom or dad then.
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    Anniversary
  • Call FFIL Joe, and FMIL Susan. I assume these people call you by your first name? Unless this uptight brat is referring to you as Ms. Stevens she'll get over it. You aren't a child. And if she does fuss say "oh, I didn't realize things were still so formal between us. Please do call me Mrs. Lastname." Absurd.
    THIS. 

    We're adults, not kids. So if she'd like to keep a formal and respectful feeling to the relationship- she should do it for you as well.

    My FIL would pee their pants in laugher if I called them Mr./Mrs. anything!

    And so much <3 for Thunder and Lightning! 
  • I just use first names too. Sometimes I call FMIL 'momma', but more as a term of endearment. 
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  • I think you need to have a conversation with them about this.   I'd say, "I'm not comfortable calling anyone other than my parents Mom and Dad.    Do you have a different suggestion?"

    I'm lucky in that my IL's told me to call them by their first names when I started dating DH and by the time DH proposed, my mother said to DH, "Please.   You can call me Mary."

    If FMIL is only happy with Mrs. Smith then that's what she gets.    I think it's rather silly that if you met those people as an adult that they still want titles but just like a woman gets to pick her title on an invitation, MIL gets to pick what she wants to be called. 
  • I heard my sister and my cousin had a long conversation about this very issue the night before my cousin got married.  He also had a stepdad he called by his first name and his fiancee's parents wanted him to start calling them Mom and Dad.  But his dad is dead and nobody else was going to take that name.  He ended up going with first names and now calls them Grams and Pops or whatever it is his kids call them, though when talking ABOUT them, he still refers to them by their first name or as "Jill's parents".

    FH and I call all our parents by their first names, well, except for my mom who everyone calls by a nickname.  Sometimes, rarely, I'll call my own parents mom and dad, but I think I learned long ago that there were too many people named "mom" and "dad" and I started calling them by their names years ago.
  • I called my in-laws Mr. and Mrs. Smith when I first met them as a 19 year old student dating their son. Eventually, around the time we got engaged, I just started calling them John and Jane. They didn't really seem to care. I was an adult engaged to their son and I came over for dinners once a week (sans H) and drank beer on their porch with them. If I'm drinking a beer with you, I'm calling you by your first name. 

    I think it's perfectly acceptable to have a conversation saying that you aren't comfy with Mom and Dad (after all, she got to say she wasn't comfy with first names) and ask her if there's an acceptable alternative in there somewhere. 
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  • I agree with all PPs. But if you decide to just avoid calling them anything, you totally can pull it off. My mom and dad have been married 34+ years and my mom has never called her in laws anything. (She called them Mr. & Mrs. lastname before the marriage, but they started dating in HS)

    apparently it CAN be done! 
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