Breastfeeding babies @ reception - age limit?

casey8784

A little backstory: One of FI's groomsmen, R, and his wife are expecting and their baby will be just about 1 month by the wedding. They recently asked if they could bring the infant since the wife will be breastfeeding and if we said no kids, then the wife would stay home (2+ hour drive away). This is FI's best friend and we're good friends with the wife as well, so we never even considered saying no. Now, one of my bridesmaids, L, has a daughter, P, who will be about 20 months at the time of our wedding. When booking her hotel room, she got 2 rooms, and arranged for her parents (who live with L and her husband) to come with them to babysit P during the ceremony and reception. Awesome, cause this girl isn't know for planning far in advance like that. Sounds great. 

Now L is very very attached to her daughter and almost always turns down invites to meet up if it means that she can't bring P, and because of that, she's let a lot of friendships dwindle. Now that the kid is older, we've come to meet every few weeks for lunch and she brings P along, which is cool cause P is a pretty awesome/fun toddler. I don't know if she has anxiety or what, but because of her attachment, I've made sure to let her know all the details/timing/etc for the wedding weekend as soon as it's planned, so she can plan/prepare/whatever, so at the last second she won't be, "oh. well, I didn't know about that. sorry, I can't come cause I have P will me." (And I've already told her that she can bring P to the rehearsal dinner, cause it's open house style, and there's a carousel that I know P would love riding on.)

The other day L and I were hanging out (not wedding related) when FI got home from work, and asked if I had let R and his wife know that their baby was welcome. L then inquired about their baby, and then made some comment like, "Well, what if I told you that *I* was still breastfeeding? Can I bring P to the reception then? Cause, that wouldn't be cool if you only let that other baby come." 

I'm pretty damn sure that she is no longer breastfeeding P, and even if she was, this kid is a hoover with solid foods, store bought milk, and juices - breastmilk at this point would be supplemental. I have a feeling that L is making a big deal about this because she just doesn't want to be separated from P, even for 6 hours.

I know breastfeeding can be a touchy subject, especially with moms. Am I wrong in thinking that P will be fine staying with the grandparents for one evening? Cause, honestly, when I think of the exception of allowing breastfeeding babies to stay with their parents, I think of BABIES...not a kid who is about to turn 2...but that's just me; I know that many moms breastfeed well past the 1 year mark, and if that's their choice and it works for them, awesome.

Is this a can of worms that I should keep closed and just let L bring P? Or tell her that P needs to stay with her grandparents? (For the record, the only other kids are immediate family. No other friends are bringing their kids.)

jnissa

Once you break the rules for one child, expect this to happen. Just keep the can of worms closed unless she brings it up again. But you just basically told her that one person's child is more important than hers. Your reasons may have been valid, but that's the message when rules only apply to a subset. 

Chances are she's already made arrangements and won't bring it up to your face again. 

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casey8784 said:

A little backstory: One of FI's groomsmen, R, and his wife are expecting and their baby will be just about 1 month by the wedding. They recently asked if they could bring the infant since the wife will be breastfeeding and if we said no kids, then the wife would stay home (2+ hour drive away). This is FI's best friend and we're good friends with the wife as well, so we never even considered saying no. Now, one of my bridesmaids, L, has a daughter, P, who will be about 20 months at the time of our wedding. When booking her hotel room, she got 2 rooms, and arranged for her parents (who live with L and her husband) to come with them to babysit P during the ceremony and reception. Awesome, cause this girl isn't know for planning far in advance like that. Sounds great. 

Now L is very very attached to her daughter and almost always turns down invites to meet up if it means that she can't bring P, and because of that, she's let a lot of friendships dwindle. Now that the kid is older, we've come to meet every few weeks for lunch and she brings P along, which is cool cause P is a pretty awesome/fun toddler. I don't know if she has anxiety or what, but because of her attachment, I've made sure to let her know all the details/timing/etc for the wedding weekend as soon as it's planned, so she can plan/prepare/whatever, so at the last second she won't be, "oh. well, I didn't know about that. sorry, I can't come cause I have P will me." (And I've already told her that she can bring P to the rehearsal dinner, cause it's open house style, and there's a carousel that I know P would love riding on.)

The other day L and I were hanging out (not wedding related) when FI got home from work, and asked if I had let R and his wife know that their baby was welcome. L then inquired about their baby, and then made some comment like, "Well, what if I told you that *I* was still breastfeeding? Can I bring P to the reception then? Cause, that wouldn't be cool if you only let that other baby come." 

I'm pretty damn sure that she is no longer breastfeeding P, and even if she was, this kid is a hoover with solid foods, store bought milk, and juices - breastmilk at this point would be supplemental. I have a feeling that L is making a big deal about this because she just doesn't want to be separated from P, even for 6 hours.

I know breastfeeding can be a touchy subject, especially with moms. Am I wrong in thinking that P will be fine staying with the grandparents for one evening? Cause, honestly, when I think of the exception of allowing breastfeeding babies to stay with their parents, I think of BABIES...not a kid who is about to turn 2...but that's just me; I know that many moms breastfeed well past the 1 year mark, and if that's their choice and it works for them, awesome.

Is this a can of worms that I should keep closed and just let L bring P? Or tell her that P needs to stay with her grandparents? (For the record, the only other kids are immediate family. No other friends are bringing their kids.)

OOOH, this is a tricky one.  I think you opened a can of worms when you mentioned it in front of her, so this is sort of your fault.  But there is a HUGE difference between a 1-month old infant & an almost TWO year old.  So, if it were me, I would say that you only made the exception for them because their baby was an infant, not because of the breastfeeding.   IDK if that is etiquette approved, but that is what I would do.  

bethsmiles

I'm cool with women breastfeeding as long as they want to. That's their personal choice. But at some point you don't get to keep using it a reason to bring your kid with you everywhere. And IMO, that point is when the breast milk is supplemental. So if your kid is getting their nutrition from other sources in addition to breast milk then you can't really pull the "well I'm breastfeeding" card because well your kid doesn't solely rely on breast milk so the issues of being away from your breastfeeding baby for long periods doesn't apply.

You could get into this whole debate with your friend but personally, I'd just bean-dip her. Her kid isn't invited. She can either come and find someone to watch her or decline the invitation. Just because one kid is invited doesn't mean they all need to be or that you need to justify/explain to anyone the presence of any of the kids at the wedding.

banana468

There's a BIG difference between a child who is exclusively nursed at 1 mo (and who feeds every 2-3 hours) and one who is pushing 2.  By the 20 mo mark, the baby may still be nursed but s/he isn't nursed exclusively and most of the nutrients a child will get are from actual table food.

Frankly, if I was in your position I'd have no problem saying to my friend, "Are you seriously comparing a 1 mo INFANT who can't even walk or talk to your child who can feed herself with her own hands?!"   That isn't to discount the possible nursing that your friend may do, but the exception that you've made is NOT one that needs to be questioned.

jenijoyk

Our cut off was 6 months. Not a kid friendly wedding, but if you have a baby less than 6 months, there will be an extra spot at the table for a stroller or carrier. No one has questioned it.

Jen4948

Well, you did open the door for L to ask about bringing P to the reception by mentioning that R's wife is breastfeeding her baby.

If it's not okay with you for L to bring P, then if I were you, I'd come up with some other reason than that she is breastfed.  I think it's okay to tell her under the circumstances, "I'm sorry, but P isn't invited this time."  Then bean-dip L on the subject from now on.

theartistformerlyknownas

Yeah it's not even necessarily a matter of how the child is fed, but a matter of it being an INFANT versus a toddler. They have different needs. One of those needs is an adult taking 15-30 minutes to feed them every 2-3 hours, versus being plopped in a high chair with some finger foods and going to town. I'd tell her "if P was a month old, you could bring her too. But I'm sorry, she's not invited."

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martha1818 said:

Unpopular opinion here, but I think your friend L is acting way entitled- her special snowflake doesn't need to be welcome everywhere. I would stand your ground.

I don't think your opinion is unpopular at all.  I think your opinion is quite popular, actually.  Some parents feel like their child should always be the exception to every rule & that just isn't real life. 

RebeccaFlower

Eeek. I think she's totally acting entitled, but it sounds like that's how she is. I guess I would just really think about your friendship and if you want to piss her off by not inviting her daughter. Is it worth ruining your friendship over this? Just questions you need to ask yourself. 

banana468

RebeccaFlower said:

Eeek. I think she's totally acting entitled, but it sounds like that's how she is. I guess I would just really think about your friendship and if you want to piss her off by not inviting her daughter. Is it worth ruining your friendship over this? Just questions you need to ask yourself. 

IMO, this could be a great "teaching opportunity" if the mom is acting like the kid needs to go everywhere she does.    A friend who holds a grudge over this situation has entitlement issues.    I would say that it's mom's choice to find herself talking to a 2 yo rather than adults most of the time.   

caitlinmca

RebeccaFlower said:

Eeek. I think she's totally acting entitled, but it sounds like that's how she is. I guess I would just really think about your friendship and if you want to piss her off by not inviting her daughter. Is it worth ruining your friendship over this? Just questions you need to ask yourself. 

She stated above that the only kids would be immediate family and this 1 month old infant. I'm sure all of these other friends with kids wouldn't being having a hissy fit, and aren't having ruined friendships.

She said this friend already had a hotel room for the grandparents to watch the kid well in advance. I'd stick to your guns, she's already made babysitting plans.

wrigleyville

I doubt she's actually BF-ing, given the way she phrased that snarky question. Even if she is, it's not the only source of her kid's nutrition at this point. My SIL nursed my nieces at that age, but it was only when they were super-cranky and couldn't fall asleep. So it totally wasn't full-time BF-ing, and she could leave them with babysitters without worrying about them not getting enough food.

Honestly? She needs to get over herself. I pity anyone who absolutely cannot be separated from their child for six hours, especially once the kid is past the "infant" stage. I know it sucks to be away from them, but to say you can't be away from them is ludicrous. What is she going to do when P starts preschool or kindergarten? She sounds like one of those nightmare helicopter parents who live for nothing but their kids and then become an empty shell of their former selves once the kid grows up and moves out.

Obviously, your kid should be your #1 priority, but good lord. There's a line between loving, doting parent and overly-attached.

caitlinmca

wrigleyville said:

I doubt she's actually BF-ing, given the way she phrased that snarky question. Even if she is, it's not the only source of her kid's nutrition at this point. My SIL nursed my nieces at that age, but it was only when they were super-cranky and couldn't fall asleep. So it totally wasn't full-time BF-ing, and she could leave them with babysitters without worrying about them not getting enough food.

Honestly? She needs to get over herself. I pity anyone who absolutely cannot be separated from their child for six hours, especially once the kid is past the "infant" stage. I know it sucks to be away from them, but to say you can't be away from them is ludicrous. What is she going to do when P starts preschool or kindergarten? She sounds like one of those nightmare helicopter parents who live for nothing but their kids and then become an empty shell of their former selves once the kid grows up and moves out.

Obviously, your kid should be your #1 priority, but good lord. There's a line between loving, doting parent and overly-attached.

She'll probably homeschool her kid, sorry just slap me by the wrist now!! I'll go sit in time out.

MobKaz

jnissa said:

Once you break the rules for one child, expect this to happen. Just keep the can of worms closed unless she brings it up again. But you just basically told her that one person's child is more important than hers. Your reasons may have been valid, but that's the message when rules only apply to a subset. 

Chances are she's already made arrangements and won't bring it up to your face again. 

I don't see it that way at all.  The message has everything to do with necessity and sustenance, and nothing about personal relationships.  Toddler L does NOT need to rely on her parent for sustenance.  Infant baby R must rely on its mother for sustenance.  The OP has already established that this family is important by including them all at the RD.  It sounds to me as if Toddler L's mother is provoking the OP unnecessarily with her comment,   "That wouldn't be cool if you let that other baby come."  She sounds immature, petty,  and entitled. 

misshart00

Maybe I'm weird, but I seriously don't understand the whole "I can't be away from my kids!!" I love my baby very much, but if I have an opportunity for a nap or to go to target by myself or a night out, I'm taking it faster than I can say "see you later."

holyguacamole79

Let her bring the kid. Then, at the wedding, INSIST that she whip out her boob to call her bluff.


KIDDING. I agree that there is no comparison here. Kid can stay behind.

huskypuppy14

I don't think you should have made an exception in allowing P to attend the rehearsal dinner. Technically, people who are invited to the RD should be invited to the wedding. 

However, if you want L at the RD and the wedding, with her entitlement issues it seems you had to compromise somewhere. 

lc07

I have a friend who's child is a little younger than the 20 month old but old enough to not be breastfeeding. He is extremely clingy with his mother. They just realized that he has a very serious eyesight problem - he's legally blind though can see some things. 

Ultimately, it's your call whether to invite this child or not. It sounds like your friend was planning to leave her child behind until she heard another child would be there. Which is lame. But I think there are circumstances beyond breastfeeding that would warrant a child to be invited if other children are being invited because they have special needs.

Of course, you're still following etiquette to not invite any children, just have to be okay with the parents declining the invite for that reason or feeling hurt that their children's needs don't measure up in your eyes.

kimberly0315

It is completely up to you.  I know some people commented on the mother being overly-attached and what not.  That isn't really anyone else's business or place to judge.  They are not the parent of P.  That's not your issue.  There could be several reasons for this or none at all, again not anyone's business.  

The simple fact is it's your wedding.  If you don't want P coming, you need to just make it clear.  If it becomes a deal breaker for her, that's the way it is.  It shouldn't have been discussed in front of her, but that ship has sailed.  If she has arranged for her parents to come, hopefully she will have a nice evening out.  But if you don't want P there, stand by your initial words.

levioosa

How much of an evil glare did you give FI when he brought that up in front of her? lol.

I also think she's being ridiculous. She has already made babysitting plans. There is a huge difference between a month old infant (who frankly will probably be sleeping the entire time anyways if it's not feeding) and a toddler who can walk to her mother and say, "Mommy, I want milk."

AddieCake

Absolutely stand your ground on this. As PPs have said, this child is not dependent on breast milk as her only source of food, and if she brings it up again, I would definitely remind her of that.

meechellebelle

misshart00 said:

Maybe I'm weird, but I seriously don't understand the whole "I can't be away from my kids!!" I love my baby very much, but if I have an opportunity for a nap or to go to target by myself or a night out, I'm taking it faster than I can say "see you later."

Forreals. I just left my 18 month old twins at home with dad for 2 1/2 days while I went on my bachelorette party. This lady needs to calm down - her daughter is still there just at the hotel! With her grandparents! She paid for an extra room for a reason. Tell her no and to just enjoy herself! Mama needs a cocktail.

Zhabeego

Your friend is a jerk. Tell her you are making ONE exception for an infant. If she wants to continue to be an ass, let her. She sounds really tiresome and one note.

delujm0

There's no reason that the 20 month old can't stay with her grandparents for a few hours, as planned.  My nephew is getting left with my in-laws for a full weekend right after his first birthday in a few months because SIL and BIL are going to an out of town wedding.  He does still breastfeed twice a day, but it is purely supplemental, so this is in no way an issue.  Breastmilk would also be supplemental for a 20 month old (i hope...otherwise there are some other issues here).

 

If your friend can't tell the difference between allowing a one month old infant, who will basically sleep/eat/sleep some more the whole night to come to the wedding, versus her perfectly healthy and normal TODDLER who would be walking/talking/active at the event, she needs psychiatric help.  I would see a difference if the toddler had some kind of issue that made it impossible for her to be away from her mother for an extended period of time, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here.  It sounds like the mother is just entitled and clingy.   

JeeGooDowster

Zhabeego said:

Your friend is a jerk. Tell her you are making ONE exception for an infant. If she wants to continue to be an ass, let her. She sounds really tiresome and one note.

YESS...no need for overanalyzing this one....your friend is being a self-entitled bitch.

katiebelle2882

For the sake of what they are likely turning into an entitled, co-dependent brat of a person you should tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine and that she can come alone or not at all (and give reasons as to why an infant is different from a 2 year old). She is being entitled so it will be no surprise when her kid ends up being a nightmare. I don't think it's healthy for women or kids to be coddled and smothered all the time-and that's aside from the fact that shes being very rude.

ashleyep

She's being ridiculous. There's a huge difference between an infant who will sleep in a carrier the whole time (like my cousin's 6 week old at my wedding) and a two year old who is running around the dance floor and being carried around on people's shoulders (my other cousin's child at my wedding). They're not even remotely the same thing.