To invite my estranged sister or not

theycallmelinz

Long story short, I have an older sister whom I don't speak to (her choice, not mine). We used to be incredibly close, but she had a falling out with my mom and dad and stopped speaking to them. I tried to patch things up between them and my sister accused me of choosing sides and hasn't spoken to me since. This was over 2 years ago. I've tried send a few texts over the two years but have never gotten a response from her. 

My original plan (if I decide when the time comes that I still want to invite her) has always been to send her and her family an invitation, but now I'm wondering if I should call her ahead of time and let her know about the wedding, because if by some miracle she actually does want to attend I don't want her to already have plans. I know if I call I'm going to have to leave a voicemail because she isn't going to take my call. Not sure why this is even relevant, but I guess this is my way of saying her excitement over my upcoming nuptials isn't going to fix my family. 

I just don't want me not inviting her to be the reason she misses her little sister's wedding. Part of me says its her fault and she removed herself from our family a long time ago, and my parents have even said when they get older and/or get sick, they don't want her to know anything about it because they don't want to see her. But she's my sister and I'll always love her, so I don't want that to be the case between us. Another reason why I'd kind of like to call now is because even though we don't speak, I love her dearly and I get really upset whenever there's new drama about her, which is why I've requested my parents to not even let me know about it now. But that being said, I'd rather call now and get shot down 8 months out then send her an invitation a month before the wedding and get upset then when/if she vocally refuses to come. 

What do y'all think? Send an invite? Call before hand and give her a heads up? Don't invite her at all? 

lurkergirl

Well, it's a very personal decision, so I can't tell you what to do, but I will share a little of my experience...

We have a similar situation with FI's brother.  He is not currently on the guest list.  If he chooses to make amends with the family, FI may reevaluate. 

He is in contact with 2 family members, so he is aware of the engagement and upcoming wedding.  He has not reached out to FI.

In our situation, FI feels that there has been such an overwhelming amount of grief and trouble from this brother that he feels the wedding is not an appropriate place to reunite for the first time.  There are deep, painful wounds that FI doesn't want to open what is supposed to be a joyous day.

But that's just us.  Maybe it can at least give you some insight and know you aren't alone in making this difficult decision!

CMGragain

Be the bigger person.  Invite her.  Send her an STD.  She chooses whether or not to attend, and then you won't be the "bad person".

theycallmelinz

lurkergirl said:

Well, it's a very personal decision, so I can't tell you what to do, but I will share a little of my experience...

We have a similar situation with FI's brother.  He is not currently on the guest list.  If he chooses to make amends with the family, FI may reevaluate. 

He is in contact with 2 family members, so he is aware of the engagement and upcoming wedding.  He has not reached out to FI.

In our situation, FI feels that there has been such an overwhelming amount of grief and trouble from this brother that he feels the wedding is not an appropriate place to reunite for the first time.  There are deep, painful wounds that FI doesn't want to open what is supposed to be a joyous day.

But that's just us.  Maybe it can at least give you some insight and know you aren't alone in making this difficult decision!

You're right. The wedding definitely isn't the place for this. I just wish by some miracle things would work out before then. 

lurkergirl

I totally understand @lulu411

I guess the way FI/we see it is that he's not missing the wedding because of the lack of an invitation; he's missing it because he has actively chosen to remove himself from the family.

It doesn't make it suck any less

CMGragain

It is not up to you to "fix" your family.  Lots of us come from difficult family situations.  My own wedding was not a peaceful time.
It IS up to you to be polite to your guests and to behave properly towards everyone.  By sending the STD, you are serving notice that the event is happening, and that there WILL be an invitation in the mail later.  You do not need to contact her in any other way.
It is up to all of your guests (sister included) to behave themselves appropriately at your wedding.  If they do not, this is no reflection on you.  It it your sister who will look like a fool if she brings drama.  (My late MIL was a sight to behold!  People were so kind to me about it.  Everybody knew she had issues. I just smiled.  I won!)

theycallmelinz

I actually wasn't planning on doing STDs =/ I guess I'll ponder it more and maybe shoot her another text that she will ignore... 

MairePoppy

If you want your sister at your wedding, you should invite her. I would send her a personal note to let her know you're engaged and you hope she'll attend your wedding on X date. You don't have to make up STDs for everyone. You won't have to face the ignored phone call.

Inkdancer

I have a stepsister who has major issues with our dad, and with me. She is a cranky person and she equates money with love.

But I decided to be the bigger person and invite her... and she's coming! She's even been nice about it!

Send your sister a note to let her know you'd love to have her there, and then invite her. If you start rebuilding the bridges, it's her decision whether or not to pitch in.

doeydo

I would contact her some way and say you miss her, etc. and just kind of chit chat and catch up before sending an invite.  But, if you didn't want to do that, you could just send an invite and be OK ettiquite wise but I doubt she would come.

caitlinmca

I have 2 older sisters, 1 who I still talk to and get along with great, the other I don't talk to at all and she doesn't talk to my mom at all, but she talks to my dad and step mom and the other sister.

My mom and her had a big falling out over something stupid in my opinion, she came to visit when I was around 4-6 years old with either her ex husband or now husband or boyfriend something of that nature and they wanted to sleep in the same room, my mom said no because I was young and living in the house and never minded my own business. Needless to say, my sister is now ticked off at my mom over something stupid, won't talk to her, and because I think its a stupid silly reason to be mad at my mom, who mind you, my mom raised my 2 sisters, who aren't hers, my mom was never able to have children of her own, my sisters are children from my dads previous marriage, divorced, my mom raised them, I've kind of let that ship sail with my sister.

My sister still talks to my dad and step mom, who my step mom has never raised her, was never in her life until she was way past 20s, has seen all of my sisters kids, and my mom has only met 1 of the 4 of my sisters kids. Anyways, I was the bigger person and sent a save the date, and will send an invitation to the wedding as its the "bigger person, and the right thing to do" Do I think she will come...heck no!

I think the best thing to do is call her, and send her an invitation, if she comes, she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't.

smalfrie19

lurkergirl said:

I totally understand @lulu411

I guess the way FI/we see it is that he's not missing the wedding because of the lack of an invitation; he's missing it because he has actively chosen to remove himself from the family.

It doesn't make it suck any less

This is what we are dealing with right now with FI's family. they have all these opinion about our relationship and me and D won't stand for it and they would rather him be on their side and "see the whole" picture. And D is like "No, shes going to be my wife and you dont get to say all this stuff about her and just be ok in my book." And they all think its me trying to tell him that I come first and manipulating him.

Invites went out this week and they have decided to remove themselves from the BP and not come. All I keep saying to them is "You are welcome at the wedding" because I choose not to be that person who didn't let his sister come.