Am I obligated to invite my sister's future parents in law?

miniac

Tell me if I'm wrong here. I'm having a small wedding next year. Right now my invite list is over my limit. My mom is now insisting that I have to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I only met once in passing 2 years ago due to "social/political/familial" obligations. I've never otherwise spoken a word to them or seen them in person. 

I basically flat out refused, because they are not in any way related to me (nor will be) and I have never met them or spoken to them, plus my current guest count. Therefore her 'familial' argument does not apply to me. I also spoke with my sister about this before, and she told me that it was unnecessary to invite them, and that her fiance stated that his parents would not be offended or expect an invite either. So there goes my mother's "political/social" argument too. 

My mom said that she would ask my sister to invite my fiance's parents to her wedding, to be "fair" which I think is just a cop out because my sister is having an overseas wedding that my fiance's parents wouldn't be able to attend (therefore, easy for my sister to invite people who are guaranteed no shows anyway). It's more of an afterthought--as a token of "fairness" but she really doesn't give a sh*t about them (she only met them once, last week). She just wants to be 'fair' to them so that I will invite the other set of parents because she thinks they'll get upset if not invited.

She also used an earlier comment I made about my fiance's mom inviting my fiance's cousin and her husband (whom I have never met) against me, by saying that it wasn't fair that she is contributing $ to my wedding (my fiance's mom is not) and yet my fiance's mom gets to invite my fiance/s cousin and her husband, so how come she can't invite her future in laws? I thought that was completely crass--basically implying that since she's contributing money, she gets to 'rank' the guests and that these people who are wholly unrelated to me, whom I have never met and whom I don't intend to form a relationship have priority over my fiance's blood relatives. 

I've already invited all of her friends, plus let her invite a few of her friends whom I have never met, in consideration for her contribution to my wedding.

So should I invite the in laws? 

miniac

flantastic said:

Is your mom paying? If so, she gets a say in the guest list. If not, you do not have to invite your sister's FILs.

Edit: Mostly skimmed, but it looks like yes, your mom is paying. That comes with strings attached. You can refuse her contribution and then you'd have total say over the guest list.

Hi flantastic -- makes sense. My parents are contributing 1/4 of the overall wedding costs, and I have already allocated about 20/120 spaces to her friends, and the guest list is skewed 80/20, majority my side of the family. 

[Deleted User]

No, you don't have to, but how about this.  Tell your mom that you will invite them and that they will be sitting at her table since they won't know anyone else at the wedding.  Mom won't be able to sit with her friends, but will instead have to sit with these strangers because it's just polite.  You need your sister and her fiance to be sitting at your table with you, so mom will have to take care of the in-laws.  See if she still wants them there.

photokitty

peekstar said:

Tell me if I'm wrong here. I'm having a small wedding (budgeting for 120 people max) next year. Right now my invite list sits at 130 not including approximately 15 more family members my fiance's mom wants to invite. My mom is now insisting that I have to invite my sister's fiance's parents whom I only met once in passing 2 years ago due to "social/political/familial" obligations. I've never otherwise spoken a word to them or seen them in person since, however the dad was my parents' general contractor for some home renos they did this year. 

I basically flat out refused, because they are not in any way related to me (nor will be) and I have never met them or spoken to them, plus my current guest count. Therefore her 'familial' argument does not apply to me. I also spoke with my sister about this before, and she told me that it was unnecessary to invite them, and that her fiance stated that his parents would not be offended or expect an invite either. So there goes my mother's "political/social" argument too. 

My mom said that she would ask my sister to invite my fiance's parents to her wedding, to be "fair" which I think is just a cop out because my sister is having an overseas wedding that my fiance's parents wouldn't be able to attend (therefore, easy for my sister to invite people who are guaranteed no shows anyway). At the same time, my mom inviting my fiance's parents is more of an afterthought--as a token of "fairness" but she really doesn't give a sh*t about them (she only met them once, last week). She just wants to be 'fair' to them so that I will invite the other set of parents because she thinks they'll get upset if not invited.

She also used an earlier comment I made about my fiance's mom inviting my fiance's cousin and her husband (whom I have never met) against me, by saying that it wasn't fair that she is contributing $ to my wedding (my fiance's mom is not) and yet my fiance's mom gets to invite my fiance/s cousin and her husband, so how come she can't invite her future in laws? I thought that was completely crass--basically implying that since she's contributing money, she gets to 'rank' the guests and that these people who are wholly unrelated to me, whom I have never met and whom I don't intend to form a relationship have priority over my fiance's blood relatives. 

I've already invited all of her friends, plus let her invite a few of her friends whom I have never met, in consideration for her contribution to my wedding.

So should I invite the in laws? 

You may find it crass, but your mom is right. If she is paying then she gets a say in who is invited. Talk to your mother about the guest list and point out that the budget only allows for 120. You need to decide who to cut. Do not invite 130 if your budget cannot afford to host 130. She can then determine who she wants to invite. If she wants these two people to attend then she will have to find two others not to invite, or she can offer more money to increase the budget and accommodate her additional guests.

Those who pay have a say. To take money and expect otherwise is naive. You mom is not being crass by wanting to see her money spent on people she wants to invite.

southernbelle0915

If she's only paying for a 1/4 of the wedding, my take is that she only gets a say in a 1/4 of the invites. In my book, if you're paying for 75% of the wedding, you get a say in 75% of the guest list. 

Has she already filled the slots you gave her based on what she's contributing? If so, then she's already filled her slots and she's SOL. Tell her she can adjust her guest list as she pleases. If she chooses to add your sister's fiance's parents, fine. If not, it's her choice.

miniac

I understand that contributing money comes with strings attached, for sure. That's why I gave her free reign on inviting her friends whom I've also never met and now I've hit my capacity. That's not even accounting for family members my fiance's mom wants to invite.

Her bringing up money kind of puts a sour taste in my mouth. Of course she gets more of a say, but that doesn't make her approach any less crass. I would 100% fund my own wedding if it comes down to it (I haven't received the money nor have I formally accepted it). 

southernbelle0915

peekstar said:

I understand that contributing money comes with strings attached, for sure. That's why I gave her free reign on inviting her friends whom I've also never met and now I've hit my capacity. That's not even accounting for family members my fiance's mom wants to invite.

Her bringing up money kind of puts a sour taste in my mouth. Of course she gets more of a say, but that doesn't make her approach any less crass. I would 100% fund my own wedding if it comes down to it (I haven't received the money nor have I formally accepted it). 

If this is the case, I would decline her offer since you haven't received anything yet and pay for stuff yourself. That way, there's no gray area and you have clean lines by saying, sorry, we're at cap, we have no more wiggle room and we're paying so we feel we're being generous by letting you invite so many of your friends.

photokitty

You haven't sent out STDs have you? 

If you have then the guest list is locked in and you need to find money to cover the 130.

 If she wants any addition she will have to add to the budget. 

She can not swap out guests if STDs went out...you haven't said anything about them, so hopefully tho is a non-issue

[Deleted User]

I think you mother wanting to invite these people is crazy. I'm not inviting my sister's current in-laws and we won't be inviting groom's brother's current in-laws. My parents have vacationed with my sister's in-laws, but I only met them at the wedding. We see FH's brother's in-laws every time we go to his home town for holidays because of the common grandkids (FH's niece and nephew) and even went to a Cubs game with them, but I'd never consider adding them to the guest list at my wedding. Well, unless I had a 500 person guest list or something. People I hang out with on accident because we know the same people don't get to come to my wedding.

RebeccaFlower

Nope, definitely not. You seem to have a really good handle on this. Stick to your guns!

climbingsingle

Yeah, I also think it's a little much that she wants to invite them.

banana468

I think she's pushing it.   I'd seriously consider telling her that you're declining the entire thing if she's going to use her contribution to manipulate her way in so often. 

beethery

FSIL's sister invited FI's parents to her wedding. They have zero interest in attending. FSIL's sister is not well-liked among FI's family, and it was seen as a gift grab.

Your mom would do well to take it down a notch there. Not inviting them isn't going to be a burn. We're definitely not inviting FBIL's in-laws to our wedding.

holyguacamole79

Money aside, I also agree that you don't need to invite them. My sister didn't invite my ILs to her wedding for a similar reason. She has met them twice and doesn't have a relationship with them.

NYCMercedes

Stay strong, @peekstar‌! Don't cave!

Jen4948

Stand firm.  Your mom's contributions don't mean that she gets to invite who she wants while your FI's close relatives get no invitation at all.

sarahufl

We invited my sister's MIL and H's sisters parents in-law (follow me?) My sister's MIL came and was so, so excited to be invited. H's sisters ILs did not come, but were very happy to be invited. But we have relationships with all parties. My sister has been with her H for 7 or 8 years and his mom comes to a lot of family functions with us. We spend a lot of time with H's sisters's ILs at family functions because they all live in the area. But I did not invite my brother's MIL because we do not have a relationship. You don't HAVE to invite them.

jackannlu

Personally, I don't think you have to. It all depends on the relationship you have with people. My parents are generously paying for my entire wedding, so I have quite a few invitees (30ish) who are mostly my parents' friends. I have no problem with it because a) they are paying for it and b) I have known most of them my entire life. In addition, I am inviting my sisters IL's but not my brothers, simply due to the fact that I don't have a relationship with them. 

However, I do agree with PPs... I think it would be best, and fair, if whatever % of the budget you mom is contributing, she should get the same % of chairs. So if the number of guests she has exceeds the number of chairs for her percentage, then she will have to make adjustments ton her part to accommodate the your sisters ILs. 

huskypuppy14

jackannlu said:

Personally, I don't think you have to. It all depends on the relationship you have with people. My parents are generously paying for my entire wedding, so I have quite a few invitees (30ish) who are mostly my parents' friends. I have no problem with it because a) they are paying for it and b) I have known most of them my entire life. In addition, I am inviting my sisters IL's but not my brothers, simply due to the fact that I don't have a relationship with them. 

However, I do agree with PPs... I think it would be best, and fair, if whatever % of the budget you mom is contributing, she should get the same % of chairs. So if the number of guests she has exceeds the number of chairs for her percentage, then she will have to make adjustments ton her part to accommodate the your sisters ILs. 

I disagree. If the bride's parents are contributing 100% of the wedding costs, than they don't get say over 100% of the wedding guests. Just because the groom's parents aren't contributing doesn't mean they get no guests. That's not fair.

My husband and I invited husband's brother's inlaws because we were strong armed into it by MIL. We really didn't want to, I've never met them (they live across the country) and husband only met them a couple times. He also can't stand his SIL, so that added into the not wanting her parents to come. 

After the guest list was finalized, but before we sent invitations, MIL asked if we could invite SIL's sister as well. We said NO. That caused a little fight between my husband and MIL but we stood our ground. 

   MIL and FIL contributed less than 10% of the total wedding costs, but they didn't get only 10% of the guest list (though some of them would have been invited regardless).

In turn my parents didn't get 80% of the guest list because they contributed the majority of the money. And then they never would have asked to have 80% of the guest list.

I think your Mom's being a brat, and you should decline her money if she wants to throw it in your face like that.

schellzinator

I don't think you are obligated to based on the facts presented.  We invited my brother-in-laws parents mainly because that is the way my family does things. If you don't have the budget or space- I don't think it is necessary.

delujm0

I understand that you are not close to your sister's FILs, but is your mother close to them?  At our wedding, we did not invite my husband's sister's in-laws, as my MIL didn't think they needed an invite.  However, we did invite my sister's FI's parents.  My parents are divorced, my mother is not remarried, and she lives in the same town as my sister, my sister's FI, and my sister's FI's family.  She spends a lot of holidays with my FBIL's family and is very close to them.  So even though I have only met them a handful of times, I invited them because my mother is close to them and wanted them there.  We sat them with some aunt and uncles becaues they vaguely knew each other, and my FBIL's mother could have a conversation with a wall, so we were not worried about them having a good time.

 

For comparison sake, my mother also contributed 25% of the wedding costs.

AlexaF2014

I understand where you're coming from; my mom insisted on inviting my sister's FI's parents, while sitting inviting more of her friends than Fi and I combined. I'm wondering if you guest list limit is due to personal comfort, budget, or venue size? 

huskypuppy14

delujm0 said:

I understand that you are not close to your sister's FILs, but is your mother close to them?  At our wedding, we did not invite my husband's sister's in-laws, as my MIL didn't think they needed an invite.  However, we did invite my sister's FI's parents.  My parents are divorced, my mother is not remarried, and she lives in the same town as my sister, my sister's FI, and my sister's FI's family.  She spends a lot of holidays with my FBIL's family and is very close to them.  So even though I have only met them a handful of times, I invited them because my mother is close to them and wanted them there.  We sat them with some aunt and uncles becaues they vaguely knew each other, and my FBIL's mother could have a conversation with a wall, so we were not worried about them having a good time.

 

For comparison sake, my mother also contributed 25% of the wedding costs.

So they are your mother's friends who also happen to be related to her daughter in-law. That is different. 

Jen4948

While I would invite my brother's in-laws to my wedding, I would do that because we personally are close.  If that were not the case, I would not invite them out of a sense of obligation towards them or my brother.