Ex asking to attend my wedding.

huskypuppy14

JoanE2012 said:

Well if "not inviting exs" trumps "8 year friend", then, OP, you should just tell that to this "friend".  Next time he fishes for an invite (which is rude of him), be direct again.   Of course, if you are having a small wedding with say, just your BFFs, then omitting him (and other friends) is acceptable.  But otherwise, I could understand why he would be hurt if all your other friends are invited.  It may ruin the friendship, but it sounds like you're ok with that since you and FI set such unbendable rules and you are not fighting to have him there anyway.

The bride and groom have every right to make their guest list as they see fit. As long as they are not excluding significant others. 

No one is entitled to a wedding invitation, no matter how long they have been friends with the bride or groom.

I sense judgement in your post. Why do you care, she isn't doing anything wrong.

JellyBean52513

jacques27 said:

Someone else said "We wouldn't tell people inviting significant others to judge how important the relationship is and label it", but that's what she's doing sort of in reverse.  She slapped a label "ex" on him for a few months of dating 8 years ago and is refusing to take it off despite the fact that he's had the label "friend" for 94% of their relationship.

The difference is, it was her OWN relationship so she can label it as she pleases. Besides, I've been friends with someone for going on a decade, but we're *friends,* length of time doesn't mean they're the best friend ever or that they deserve consideration over my FI when we made our agreements as to how to create our guest list. Plenty of people have friends who've been around forever, that doesn't make these people more important than their current relationships.

lc07

I think OP could clarify a lot for us if she stated why ex's are off the guest list.

It's hard for me to understand why that group of people would be singled out as not getting invited if it's okay to be friends with them. I do see some of your PP points in that I would not think it was odd to say "no coworkers" just so that there is some dividing line if the guest list is getting too big. But for some reason the "no exes" thing just seems very arbitrary to me if there aren't insecurity issues. It would make more sense to define who IS invited like "family and our closest friends only". ETA: which just so happens to not include ex's and coworkers.

pensgirl10

Perhaps the OP wants to abide by the "no exes" rule because to do otherwise would open the door to inviting HIS exes.

AddieCake

I would never have made the deal, either, considering this ex is still a friend and presumably fiance has been around him socially as a result.

karamelkandykrunch

We didn't date 8 years ago. That was just the length of the friendship up to this point. 4 months of dating outweighs our friendship (even though he's still an ex regardless) because he still has feelings for me. I tried to limit contact to just social media to avoid hurt feelings, but I still get messages from him. Bottom line is it's creating an uncomfortable situation that is becoming more uncomfortable. I'm just trying to avoid more hurt feelings.

offensivekitten2

Weird arguments about relationships aside, this is what wedding white lies are tailor made for.

"Our guest list is severely limited due to budget cuts. I'm so sorry, but FI had to make guest list sacrafices, and so do I".

Done. If you tell him about the 'no ex' rule, it's going to turn into fight, or chance for him to poke holes in the decision.

jerkyanne

offensivekitten2 said:

Weird arguments about relationships aside, this is what wedding white lies are tailor made for. "Our guest list is severely limited due to budget cuts. I'm so sorry, but FI had to make guest list sacrafices, and so do I". Done. If you tell him about the 'no ex' rule, it's going to turn into fight, or chance for him to poke holes in the decision.

yep, this

huskypuppy14

octoturtle said:

We didn't date 8 years ago. That was just the length of the friendship up to this point. 4 months of dating outweighs our friendship (even though he's still an ex regardless) because he still has feelings for me. I tried to limit contact to just social media to avoid hurt feelings, but I still get messages from him. Bottom line is it's creating an uncomfortable situation that is becoming more uncomfortable. I'm just trying to avoid more hurt feelings.

Ding ding! Seems like a legitimate reason to exclude him.

chibiyui

octoturtle said:

We didn't date 8 years ago. That was just the length of the friendship up to this point. 4 months of dating outweighs our friendship (even though he's still an ex regardless) because he still has feelings for me. I tried to limit contact to just social media to avoid hurt feelings, but I still get messages from him. Bottom line is it's creating an uncomfortable situation that is becoming more uncomfortable. I'm just trying to avoid more hurt feelings.

Given this bit of information, stop trying to avoid hurting his feelings. 

Like seriously, do you want to be friends with him? Because if he's making you uncomfortable, what with the still having feelings and the constantly asking about being invited, Just stop talking to him. Tell him, I'm sorry you're not invited and stop responding. 

beethery

You owe him nothing just because he has feelings for you. That's his own shit to deal with. Especially because you are about to marry someone else.

theartistformerlyknownas

I have a very similar friendship. We have been friends for probably 5 years, dated for only a few months in the middle of that with a very amicable breakup. I'm not sure if he still carries a torch for me...I know he did for a while, but he's seeing someone else now. I wish he could be invited, and he assumed for a while that he would be, but it makes FI uncomfortable. He just doesn't want someone at the wedding who's ever had sex with me, and I respect that. Just had to tell the ex "we couldn't invite all of our friends." He doesn't need to know exactly why.

jenajjthr

octoturtle said:

We didn't date 8 years ago. That was just the length of the friendship up to this point.

4 months of dating outweighs our friendship (even though he's still an ex regardless) because he still has feelings for me. I tried to limit contact to just social media to avoid hurt feelings, but I still get messages from him. Bottom line is it's creating an uncomfortable situation that is becoming more uncomfortable. I'm just trying to avoid more hurt feelings.

That crucial bit of information changes a lot of things. I wouldn't let my FI say no invite to a friend who I went on dates so long ago, but a friend who still had feelings for me...yeah, no invite. You probably can't avoid hurting his feelings if he has feelings for you, kwim? Be blunt next time he brings it up. You don't need to be brutal, but you can be honest. Like PP's have said..."Unfortunately, we couldn't invite everybody we wanted to." No need to let him know why.

steph861

How long has it been since you broke up with this guy? I'm getting the sense that his feelings for you have lasted far longer than is healthy.

Jen4948

If he still has feelings for you, he should definitely not be invited.  It would also help if you put some more distance between himself and you-for the sake of all three of you.

photokitty

One of my ex's told me he still had feelings for me and that was the last time I spoke to him. I would cut off contact with him. No explanation needed on either account.

That was some critical info you left out. I don't consider an ex who has made it known he has feelings for me to be a friend...a stalker maybe, at the very least an inappropriate idiot. GL!

JoanE2012

huskypuppy14 said:

JoanE2012 said:

Well if "not inviting exs" trumps "8 year friend", then, OP, you should just tell that to this "friend".  Next time he fishes for an invite (which is rude of him), be direct again.   Of course, if you are having a small wedding with say, just your BFFs, then omitting him (and other friends) is acceptable.  But otherwise, I could understand why he would be hurt if all your other friends are invited.  It may ruin the friendship, but it sounds like you're ok with that since you and FI set such unbendable rules and you are not fighting to have him there anyway.

The bride and groom have every right to make their guest list as they see fit. As long as they are not excluding significant others. 

No one is entitled to a wedding invitation, no matter how long they have been friends with the bride or groom.

I sense judgement in your post. Why do you care, she isn't doing anything wrong.

Of course they have every right to make the guest list as they see fit.  But if I were a "friend" and every other friend was invited but I didn't make the cut because I was an ex at some point, I'd be hurt that my friendship meant nothing.

I'm stating my opinion and how I would feel.  In the end, I don't give two shits what the OP does. 

OP - you recently stated some crucial info that you omitted from your original post.....that he has feelings for you.  It seems like the friendship is limited to social media?   Why don't you just cut him off completely from your life?  Defriend and block him if you need to.  I would never maintain a "friendship" with someone that has feelings for me out of respect for my DH.  Which makes me wonder if your FI even knows.

downtondiva

An ex who still has feelings for you and keeps hounding you for a wedding invitation? Yeah, I'd say you're right not to invite him.

cowgirl8238

OP, based on both your original post and the added information my advice remains the same.  If you don't want someone there be direct and say, "I am sory we are not able to invite everyone, the guest list is closed." and move along.  If he keeps bringing it up, just rinse and repeat.  I prefer to leave any explainations out of it. (i.e.. money or the ex rule or whatever reason people use).

ETF missing important word!

JellyBean52513

JoanE2012 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

JoanE2012 said:

Well if "not inviting exs" trumps "8 year friend", then, OP, you should just tell that to this "friend".  Next time he fishes for an invite (which is rude of him), be direct again.   Of course, if you are having a small wedding with say, just your BFFs, then omitting him (and other friends) is acceptable.  But otherwise, I could understand why he would be hurt if all your other friends are invited.  It may ruin the friendship, but it sounds like you're ok with that since you and FI set such unbendable rules and you are not fighting to have him there anyway.

The bride and groom have every right to make their guest list as they see fit. As long as they are not excluding significant others. 

No one is entitled to a wedding invitation, no matter how long they have been friends with the bride or groom.

I sense judgement in your post. Why do you care, she isn't doing anything wrong.

Of course they have every right to make the guest list as they see fit.  But if I were a "friend" and every other friend was invited but I didn't make the cut because I was an ex at some point, I'd be hurt that my friendship meant nothing.

I'm stating my opinion and how I would feel.  In the end, I don't give two shits what the OP does. 

OP - you recently stated some crucial info that you omitted from your original post.....that he has feelings for you.  It seems like the friendship is limited to social media?   Why don't you just cut him off completely from your life?  Defriend and block him if you need to.  I would never maintain a "friendship" with someone that has feelings for me out of respect for my DH.  Which makes me wonder if your FI even knows.

Oh please, "every other friend"? That's extremely dramatic. You have no idea what the OP's guest list looks like and how much of it is comprised of friends, family, etc., and neither would the ex to be able to make the determination that "all her other friends are getting invited and I'm not."

Am I missing something as to why so many people are trying to make a case for this ex getting an invite? Last I knew, we tell posters that nobody is entitled to an invitation, and it's best to invite in circles (or, by that logic, exclude in circles). 

Maggie0829

@JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.

Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.

I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

photokitty

Maggie0829 said:

@JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.

Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.

I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

All this ^^^ and reposting my comment from the other thread that this issues is being rehashed in...

For me the issue in that thread is whether the person is just an ex or is a friend that she once dated. I have a friend I dated 12 years ago for 4 months. He is an ex, but I don't call him my ex, I call him my friend from college. DH knows we dated, he also knows neither of us have any residual feelings and we are strictly friends.

The issue was if 8 years of post dating friendship trumps dating. People were not questioning the validity of the past relationship, but rather if the current friendship trumped the brief romantic history 8 years ago. All SO's are ex's, but some ex's become friends and should receive that mantle over the one of ex.

In the end it was a moot point bc the OP was using the term friend in the absolute loosest sense of the word.

theartistformerlyknownas

photokitty said: Maggie0829 said: @JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.
Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.
I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.
I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here. All this ^^^ and reposting my comment from the other thread that this issues is being rehashed in...
For me the issue in that thread is whether the person is just an ex or is a friend that she once dated. I have a friend I dated 12 years ago for 4 months. He is an ex, but I don't call him my ex, I call him my friend from college. DH knows we dated, he also knows neither of us have any residual feelings and we are strictly friends.
The issue was if 8 years of post dating friendship trumps dating. People were not questioning the validity of the past relationship, but rather if the current friendship trumped the brief romantic history 8 years ago. All SO's are ex's, but some ex's become friends and should receive that mantle over the one of ex.
In the end it was a moot point bc the OP was using the term friend in the absolute loosest sense of the word.  - - - - - Good grief TK totally FUBARed the boxes! - - - - - Well and the additional clarifying post stated that it wasn't 8 years since she dated him; their total friendship was 8 years but they dated for a 4-month span somewhere in the middle of that. OP hasn't said how long it's been since their relationship ended - he could have been the last ex before her FI. 

Still if her FI is clearly uncomfortable with it, she agreed no exes would be invited, they're NOT actually very close, AND he still has feelings for her? There's no reason he should be invited.

huskypuppy14

Maggie0829 said:

@JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.

Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.

I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

While I agree that the OP made it seem that her ex was more of a friend than an ex in her original post, my qualm with this thread (which I believe is Jellybean's issue too) is that some people were saying he was barely an ex.

We say all the time that you can judge relationships of other people, but that's exactly what some were doing. "Oh you only dated for 4 months, that's nothing".. etc. He is a friend first, I would be hurt if it were me.. blah blah blah.

People have friends that aren't invited to their wedding.Just because he is friends with her doesn't mean he is entitled to an invitation. 

Also, nowhere did she say, all his other friends were invited. People were seeing things that just weren't there.

Maggie0829

huskypuppy14 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.

Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.

I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

While I agree that the OP made it seem that her ex was more of a friend than an ex in her original post, my qualm with this thread (which I believe is Jellybean's issue too) is that some people were saying he was barely an ex.

We say all the time that you can judge relationships of other people, but that's exactly what some were doing. "Oh you only dated for 4 months, that's nothing".. etc. He is a friend first, I would be hurt if it were me.. blah blah blah.

People have friends that aren't invited to their wedding.Just because he is friends with her doesn't mean he is entitled to an invitation. 

Also, nowhere did she say, all his other friends were invited. People were seeing things that just weren't there.

I only saw one other person really judge the relationship status and use of the word "ex."  Everyone else seemed more then fine with OP calling this person an ex since it is up to her to decide how she sees her relationships.  I think people were going off the fact that OP made it seem that this person was a very good friend and that is why they were saying what they were.  And if they were good friends (which the post made it seem) it can be assumed that other mutual friends would be invited to the wedding which is why people responded the way they did.

Once OP came back with additional information then people clarified their responses.

Again, mountain out of a molehill.  People gave their opinions and they gave their feelings if they were in OPs shoes.  There is nothing wrong with that and it is not any different then any other responses given in any other post.

steph861

If this guy still has feelings for you, you need to seriously consider the possibility that he'll try to disrupt your ceremony. 

ETA: If you invite him, that is.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

photokitty said:

Maggie0829 said:

@JellyBean52513 - I think people were making a case for it in the beginning because the OP made it seem that this ex of hers had been a very good friend for 8 years.  It wasn't until later when she came back and said that he was mainly a FB friend who still had feelings for her that people thought that their "no-exes" plan was a good one.

Many times with posts, unless you have the full background information, one may not be understanding of the OPs decision.  I read the entire thread and at first, with just the main information provided by OP, I didn't really understand leaving this friend off the guest list when, even though he was an ex, it seemed that their friendship trumped that card.  But once I found out the additional information I agreed with others that the OP has every right now to invite this person and should probably just stop communicating with him completely.

I get where you are coming from but a lot of times on here posters give their opinions about what the OP wrote.  That is kind of the point of an open, public forum.  Many times we get special snowflakes who come back to a thread they started and say that the additional opinions were not necessary and they would appreciate only having the question they asked answered.  So what you are doing is kind of the same.  People have every right to voice their opinion and if you don't like it then you don't have to continue reading it.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill here.

All this ^^^ and reposting my comment from the other thread that this issues is being rehashed in...

For me the issue in that thread is whether the person is just an ex or is a friend that she once dated. I have a friend I dated 12 years ago for 4 months. He is an ex, but I don't call him my ex, I call him my friend from college. DH knows we dated, he also knows neither of us have any residual feelings and we are strictly friends.

The issue was if 8 years of post dating friendship trumps dating. People were not questioning the validity of the past relationship, but rather if the current friendship trumped the brief romantic history 8 years ago. All SO's are ex's, but some ex's become friends and should receive that mantle over the one of ex.

In the end it was a moot point bc the OP was using the term friend in the absolute loosest sense of the word.

 - - - - - Good grief TK totally FUBARed the boxes! - - - - - Well and the additional clarifying post stated that it wasn't 8 years since she dated him; their total friendship was 8 years but they dated for a 4-month span somewhere in the middle of that. OP hasn't said how long it's been since their relationship ended - he could have been the last ex before her FI. 

Still if her FI is clearly uncomfortable with it, she agreed no exes would be invited, they're NOT actually very close, AND he still has feelings for her? There's no reason he should be invited.

This is one of those things that is between OP, her FI, and their God ;-)