Sound-off: Attendants or Bridesmaids?

[Deleted User]

Hey Knotties!

Did you have a close friend/family member as an attendant at your wedding instead of a bridesmaid? Have you ever been a wedding attendant? 

Tell us what you think!

ETA: Clarifying-- In certain areas of the US it's tradition for brides to ask a close family member or friend to be their wedding attendant instead of having a bridesmaid, and they essentially act as a coordinator for the day. 

holyguacamole79

No. I didn't because there is nobody in my family whom I despise enough to make them be a "not good enough to be a real bridesmaid".

misshart00

Can you clarify KP? I thought they were pretty interchangeable words.

Maggie0829

Um, aren't attendants and bridesmaids the same thing?  Just a different word choice?

lyndausvi

Attendants and Bridesmaid are synonyms in my world. So I guess I need to know your definition of attendant?

PrettyGirlLost

I'm confused. . . what's the difference?

holyguacamole79

I assume that KP is referring to a personal attendant... please correct me if I'm mistaken.

southernbelle0915

Nope. I didn't ask anyone to be a "personal attendant" because I think it's demeaning and a synonym for "bridal bitch" or other crass term used to refer to someone who's not quite good enough to be a BM, so they're given work to do. 

If someone asked me to be a "personal attendant" I would give them a big smile and say "no thanks, fuck you very much!" 

Jen4948

If I was not going to ask someone to be a bridesmaid, I would never ask them to be a "personal attendant." Getting married doesn't make me a queen and everyone else my subjects or slaves.

holyguacamole79

KnotPorscha said:

Hey Knotties!

Did you have a close friend/family member as an attendant at your wedding instead of a bridesmaid? Have you ever been a wedding attendant? 

Tell us what you think!

ETA: Clarifying-- In certain areas of the US it's tradition for brides to ask a close family member or friend to be their wedding attendant instead of having a bridesmaid, and they essentially act as a coordinator for the day. 

We hired a day-of coordinator for this.  I would never dream of asking a family member or friend to work our wedding.  The only thing even remotely close to this for us was us asking a cousin of DH to call the reception venue once the wedding ceremony was over to let them know that guests were en route.  But I didn't give her a title; she just did a small favor.

lurkergirl

MuppetOverlord

No, what you are describing is a wedding coordinator. It's a job. People get paid to do jobs. Asking a guest to do anything like this is an insult. If a guest offered, I would expect that by accepting that offer, the person at least offers to compensate the person some how. We originally planned to have our wedding at my uncle's amazing lake house. After adding up all the costs, we realized we'd also have to be responsible for folding/stacking chairs, trash, cleaning, rinsing dishes and returning rentals. We do didn't want to it on our wedding day, we weren't about to ask our friends/family to do it. It was either find a venue inclusive of these services or hire people to do it. In contrast, our friends were not as considerate of their guests and I ended up having to prepare the buffet, cut the cake, clean up people's messes, take out the trash, and prepare stuff to go. I felt like a slave and I didn't even get a thank you. PS: I can't make this show the paragraphs... I don't know why they aren't displaying.

ashley8918

No.

MyNameIsNot

I would never do this.  I've seen it done before as a passive aggressive response to the SIL that was starting drama about not being invited to be a BM. It was pretty clear that the personal attendant title was intended to insult the SIL and get back at her.  Both the bride and the SIL are pretty childish anyway.

I don't know anyone that would do this to someone they actually care about.

QueerFemme

I am sure some people DO have personal attendants, but it's a crappy title and if someone wants someone to cater to them all day, they should hire someone to do that.

AddieCake

Certainly not, for all the reasons stated above.

MairePoppy

I had never heard of personal attendants or house parties before I joined TK. The concept is rude. Why would anyone think it's an honor to wait on the bride and her real best friends, the bridesmaids?

Also, in the old days, the terms bridal attendants and bridesmaids were used interchangeably.

ETA @KnotPorscha - this is one of those questions for which it would be helpful to have our locations under our screen names, like they used to be.

MuppetOverlord

Out of curiosity, why are you asking?

[Deleted User]

My 60+ year old mother was asked to be a Personal Attendant for my 24 year old cousin since my mom is the "cool aunt".  My mom was asked to check the bride's makeup in between pictures (my mother doesn't wear makeup), and fix her dress between poses.  I heard that at one point the bride turns to my mom and demanded a bottle of water (my mom specifically mentioned in telling the story that the word 'Please' was not uttered), and when my mom turned to walk up the hill towards the bar, the bride said, "uh, can you Run?"  My mom said, "no" and continued towards the bar.  Partway there she spotted the bride's baby brother and assigned him the water gophering task for the Princess bride.

Bride also had an "Assistant Personal Attendant", a girl who was originally asked to be a bridesmaid.  But she was supposed to be out of the country on a mission trip during the wedding so that honor was removed.  But her travel plans got changed so she got demoted to my mom's assistant bitch.  My mom was done being the bride's bitch by the time the ceremony began, and assigned her "assistant" to fix the train during the ceremony.

zitiqueen

MuppetOverlord said:

Out of curiosity, why are you asking?

Space filler for the next Knot magazine. Something tells me they won't be using it though, since nobody responded in a positive manner.

laceykeo

If I had all girls in my side of the wedding party, I'd call them bridesmaids. If I had a mixture, or, when discussing the entire party as a whole, I'd probably call them attendants.

Something like, "do you think the bridesmaids should wear matching coloured sashes? Do you think the attendants should have matching colours, sashes and ties?"
(Best example I could come up with off the top of my head).

Honestly, I'd probably just call the whole lot "the party".

That's as close to "attendant" as I'd ever get.

Being a BridesBitch is not a thing.

holyguacamole79

zitiqueen said:

MuppetOverlord said:

Out of curiosity, why are you asking?

Space filler for the next Knot magazine. Something tells me they won't be using it though, since nobody responded in a positive manner.


Posts like this, IMO, reduces TK's "credibility" as a wedding authority.

PrettyGirlLost

MairePoppy said:

I had never heard of personal attendants or house parties before I joined TK. The concept is rude. Why would anyone think it's an honor to wait on the bride and her real best friends, the bridesmaids?

Also, in the old days, the terms bridal attendants and bridesmaids were used interchangeably.

ETA @KnotPorscha - this is one of those questions for which it would be helpful to have our locations under our screen names, like they used to be.

^This.

Thankfully this sort of thing just isn't done in my circles.

Bubblegum5586

One of the venues I was looking at came with personal attendants that would get you a drink and just generally be at your beck and call. But this was someone's PAID job. Although I didn't book at that place so never experienced it.

climbingsingle

No.

lilacck28

bubblegum1309 said:

One of the venues I was looking at came with personal attendants that would get you a drink and just generally be at your beck and call. But this was someone's PAID job. Although I didn't book at that place so never experienced it.

This is what is happening at my venue. Fiance and I will have two personal attendants. As in, paid people who work at the venue. It was just part of the package. Not sure what they'll actually do. I had never heard of "personal attendant" being used as a fake honor that really meant "do work for me, my friend who is not good enough to be a bridesmaid" before venturing onto the knot forums.

misshart00

sarahbear31 said:

zitiqueen said:

MuppetOverlord said:

Out of curiosity, why are you asking?

Space filler for the next Knot magazine. Something tells me they won't be using it though, since nobody responded in a positive manner.

Posts like this, IMO, reduces TK's "credibility" as a wedding authority.

They were an authority?

nitabonita1225

f

OliveOilsMom

lilacck28 said:

bubblegum1309 said:

One of the venues I was looking at came with personal attendants that would get you a drink and just generally be at your beck and call. But this was someone's PAID job. Although I didn't book at that place so never experienced it.

This is what is happening at my venue. Fiance and I will have two personal attendants. As in, paid people who work at the venue. It was just part of the package. Not sure what they'll actually do. I had never heard of "personal attendant" being used as a fake honor that really meant "do work for me, my friend who is not good enough to be a bridesmaid" before venturing onto the knot forums.

We too had a personal attendant for us.  She had a special title, but the title is escaping me.  She helped bustle my dress (I didn't even ask, she just started tying the ties!), get us drinks, and served us our dinner, etc.  She was really sweet and helpful!  

Liatris2010

I hope they use this in their magazine. Asking friends to be your bride-servant is a terrible idea and a great way to ensure your friend resents you. Anyone who is considering it should read the universal "hell no!" that is this thread.

[Deleted User]

That sounds super-shitty. Who the hell would agree to that?