Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Stories from those who kept their last names

I would love to hear some stories from other women who have decided to keep their names, and especially what you plan to do for your children's names. I live in the NYC area, but yet have only met one woman who actually kept her name, and she's going to change it now that she has her first child.

These are the options I can think of:
1. Change my name - not happening. It's my name, my identity, it's who I am and always will be. Plus, it's my late father's name, one of the few things I have left of him. Plus, it's a good 'ol traditional, easy to spell, American last name.
2. He changes his name to mine - not happening, because he feels attached to his name, too, namely because he's the only boy in his family.
3. Hyphenate - it doesn't really work with our names, just sounds long and ridiculous
4. Combine our names into one, new name - I love this option, but again, doesn't really work.
5. Keep my name but give our children his name - I'm not happy about this, yet it seems to be the most "acceptable" option because that's the way patriarchal society has been doing it from its inception.
6. Keep my name and give our children my name - my fiance doesn't want this for the same reasons he doesn't want to change his own name.
7. Keep my name, make my last name the children's middle names - but who really uses their middle names? My fiance thought this was a great idea, but when I asked what if we used his last name as the middle, he didn't like it, because he obviously realizes it's not the same.

I feel like we're at a stalemate. I'd love to hear stories from those who kept their names, the reasons behind it, and how it affected your family. Thanks!
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Re: Stories from those who kept their last names

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2014
    I added DHs name to mine. I hate that I did that. I should have just kept my name or dropped my name. This 2 last name sucks.

    I have friends and colleagues who have kept their name. The only thing I can say is all of them are really chill about being called by their husband's name. Their husbands are chill about being called by their wife's name (happens often for one couple actually). 

     All but one of my friends gave their kids their dad's name. The one that didn't hyphenated their son's name. The son eventually dropped his mom's name because he hated being hyphenated. Of course, this is only my own experience. You will get experiences across the board.

     If we had kids they would have gotten DH's last name. I don't mind the tradition. Even yourself said one reason you like your name is that it's your connection to your dad. I see no problem giving that same connection to future child if we had them.






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  • My SIL kept her last name.  Their daughter's last name is her dad's last name.  I also have several other friends who kept their last names as well. 

    My maiden name is very dear to me.  My brother is the last chance in our family to keep our family name going.  He's 33 and divorced, so I don't have high hopes for him having kids and passing on the name, and that's okay.  When I was in college, people exclusively called me by my maiden name.  I went to a small college, so this was a running joke.  Even the Dean of Students only knew me by my last name.  I was 33 when we got married, and my maiden name was a HUGE part of my identity.  But, I'm old-fashioned.  I actually went by my middle name (except for when I was called my last name).  So, after we got married, I filed a court order to change my name to [birth middle name] [maiden name] [H's last name].  It has taken some time to get used to it, but my maiden name is still in my name.  And college friends still call me by my maiden name. 
  • I kept my last name. H kept his. I wanted to either hyphenate or create a new last name with elements of both of our names. H declined because he wanted me to take his only. That didn't happen so we each kept our own last name.

    He wants to give any future children his name only. I'd like to give them my name. We've decided to hyphenate the kids. 

    These were not easy decisions to come to. Ultimately, though, his name is his choice. He can change it or not. My name is my choice. I can change it or not. Either of us putting pressure on the other or making the other feel guilty for their choice is really not ok. We had some issues with that but we're at a place now where we respect it.
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  • Both my husband and I kept our names. I'm pregnant now and we're hyphenating for the kid's last name. These actually were pretty easy decisions for us, and we never had any issues. We come from progressive families and presented our decision confidently. It works so well for us that even on those rare occasions when I encounter resistance, I don't care.

    Are you sure hyphenating doesn't work with your names? At first, I thought ours sounded kind of awkward, but now that I'm so used to it, thinking about baby names all the time, I love it.
  • daria24daria24 member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2014
    I kept my name. H didn't care, I think he would have been shocked if I had wanted to change it. I haven't really had any issues, my family expected it, his family either doesn't care or if too polite to say anything. In two years I haven't even really been called "Mrs. H's Lastname" except on one wedding invitation. Honestly I think FB helps with that a lot.

    We aren't having kids, so that isn't an issue. One of my college friends has a hyphenated last name, that is what her (married) parents wanted. I once asked her if it was a hassle and she said it wasn't. I think as she gets older the only "problem" is that people assume she is married, and that is why her name is hyphenated, rather than that is her birth name. 

    If we had kids, I would either hyphenate or they would get my last name. I push that kid out, damn straight it's getting my last name! 
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  • Thanks everyone! I agree that if I have to go through the pains of pregnancy and child birth, I should be able to name it! Ha! He doesn't agree... I'm starting to think hyphenating might be the best way to do it, even if it sounds weird. But then I'm sure we'll get into who's name goes first... Ugh!
  • I'm a teacher. I have MANY kids with hyphenated last names in my classes. More than half of them drop one of the names by the time they leave high school. Just something to keep in mind when deciding what to do. In my case, I'm keeping my last name and FI's keeping his. Any future children will be taking his last name. FI has a hyphen in his first name and really hates it. He's had many issues with the spelling of his name on official documents, credit cards, etc... they omit the hyphen, or don't have enough room on them for the full name, so he has multiple pieces of ID with different spellings of his name. Because of this, he's not in favour of giving children a hyphenated first or last name, and knowing that most kids eventually drop the mother's name when hyphenated, I'm fine with following tradition and giving the father's name.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I kept my name. We both have long last names so hyphenating our names or any future kid's names seems unwieldy at best, and combining them into a new name doesn't preserve the connection we feel to our names, so those options are out. If we have kids and the first is a girl, she'd get my name and a boy would get his. After that we can alternate. I think it is fair, especially if we have one, because then we each had a 50:50 shot. H isn't convinced yet, but I have time to sell him on my plan.
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  • I kept my name. DH and I are both in our 30s with established careers. I've been published under my maiden name, all of my business contacts know me by my maiden name. As we aren't planning to have children, there is "but what do we name the kids?!" argument. I have no problems using his name socially, but have no desire to change it legally or professionally. Also, I am way too lazy to switch from a very short last name to a 7-letter one!
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2014
    I'm struggling so hard with this. For all the above reasons. There really is no good option. None of my close girlfriends took their husband's name. One is giving her kid her last name, the other is giving her kid his last name. Either way, there's a family member with a different last name. I hate having to give up my name even though it's fairly terrible. (My last name is not 'Weiner' but its something in that ilk.) Hyphenating would totally have been our option, but that would actually make my name even more ridiculous. (His last name isn't 'Long' but our hyphenated name would be something like "Long-Weiner." JUST NOT HAPPENING.) For the same reasons hyphenating won't work, moving my maiden name to my middle name won't work. (Still "Long Weiner.") Then I was thinking I'll use my maiden as my middle but then just never ever put it on anything. But then, what would be the point?
  • I kept my last name. H kept his. I wanted to either hyphenate or create a new last name with elements of both of our names. H declined because he wanted me to take his only. That didn't happen so we each kept our own last name.

    He wants to give any future children his name only. I'd like to give them my name. We've decided to hyphenate the kids. 

    These were not easy decisions to come to. Ultimately, though, his name is his choice. He can change it or not. My name is my choice. I can change it or not. Either of us putting pressure on the other or making the other feel guilty for their choice is really not ok. We had some issues with that but we're at a place now where we respect it.
    So, my maiden name is actually already hyphenated. It was the 80s, and my mom and dad are both quite progressive, so my mom kept her name and my dad kept his, and I am like this: Sally (no middle) Mom'sLast-Dad'sLast. 

    My issue now is, I am keeping my name when I get married. I am keeping it for many reasons, including that I like my name a ton (my sister and I are the only ones in the world with it), have several scientific publications under my name, and I don't like the history behind women taking their husbands' names. I just have no clue what I would do with my kids. Of course, I believe there should be some fairness in giving them their last names, with respect to both my parents and his. As others have mentioned, when many of us have suggested to our FIs that maybe the kids can have his last as a middle, they get upset, and realize that it isn't as "honorable" as having his name as their last name. 

    Then, I thought about giving the first kid my mom's maiden as a middle, with FI's name as a last name, and then giving the second kid my dad's name as a middle with FI's name as a last name, but what if I don't have more than one kid? And also, as stated above, it just doesn't seem very equitable to my lineage. And my kids would have a different last name than me (which I am OK with; I had a different last name than my parents. People always knew that I was their kid). 

    So my question, for you all that decided to hyphenate your kids' names: have you thought about what they are going to do when they get married, or do you think your kids will be able to figure it out? I am genuinely interested in ideas. 
  • I left my name alone.  So did my H.  The idea of changing it just seemed silly to me, and a PITA to go through just for the sake of tradition.  It's been a total non-issue.  I don't like being called by H's name (and he doesn't like being called mine), but it's only happened a couple of times.

    We don't want kids, so that's not really an issue.  If we did have them, we'd probably do the mash up name.  Our names lend themselves to a cool mash up.  
  • I hyphenated on the marriage certificate, because I do plan to give any children we may have his last name. Where I live, you have to sign the certificate with whatever you want you married name to be, so I can't change my mind later. I have not done anything legally to change my name, and I have no plans to anytime soon.

    I'm a teacher and I write my last name on everything I have. It's what I go by at work. I don't want to change it, and even if I legally hyphenate someday, I'm always planning to go by just my last name. 
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2014
    I've just been talking about this with my fiance. I've been struggling with this issue. 

    I always said that I would change my last name if I liked the guy's name better, and keep mine if I liked it better. Easy. Except... we both have equally common two syllable Jewish last names. They sound the same to me. So, picking based on preference or getting rid of the prejudice that can come with people automatically knowing my religious background is not an option. 

    He does not want to change his name. I talked about smushing our names, or using his middle name (because I like his middle name), or picking something wholly different. He seemed open to the first two ideas for a bit, but he just doesn't really want to do any of that and has finally said so.  

    Hyphenating two two-syllable ultra jewy names just seems redundant, and kind of mean to any future kids (plus, one of the names would probably get dropped anyway, and if not, what would s/he do when s/he gets married! Same conundrum, except even harder to solve.) 

    I feel strangely just... taking his name. That it's expected I make the sacrifice. He completely understands. We are both progressive. He gets it. He sees the patriarchal pattern. But he doesn't want to change his, which I understand as well. Shifting so men always take the last name doesn't really solve the inequality issue either. 

    He's fine with me keeping my name, and he just said he's fine with me keeping my name and giving any future children my name. 

    Oddly enough, that kind of makes me want to take his name more. I think I'll probably take his name. I'd like for us all (fiance, me, future children) to share a name. I still feel a little oddly about it, but there are no easy choices here... 

    Is it totally strange that his willingness to compromise makes me feel much better about completely sacrificing my maiden name?  

    Caveat: I'll probably still use my maiden name professionally (I'm an artist, I have a website with that name, I have been referred to as that name in reviews, and I've signed work with that name etc.) It's easy enough to keep using a maiden name even if it isn't legally mine anymore, right? 

    ETA: I realize that I arrived at taking his last name, which was not the type of story that the OP had asked for. I hope that doesn't upset anyone. 
  • stef42188 said:



    I kept my last name. H kept his. I wanted to either hyphenate or create a new last name with elements of both of our names. H declined because he wanted me to take his only. That didn't happen so we each kept our own last name.

    He wants to give any future children his name only. I'd like to give them my name. We've decided to hyphenate the kids. 

    These were not easy decisions to come to. Ultimately, though, his name is his choice. He can change it or not. My name is my choice. I can change it or not. Either of us putting pressure on the other or making the other feel guilty for their choice is really not ok. We had some issues with that but we're at a place now where we respect it.

    So, my maiden name is actually already hyphenated. It was the 80s, and my mom and dad are both quite progressive, so my mom kept her name and my dad kept his, and I am like this: Sally (no middle) Mom'sLast-Dad'sLast. 

    My issue now is, I am keeping my name when I get married. I am keeping it for many reasons, including that I like my name a ton (my sister and I are the only ones in the world with it), have several scientific publications under my name, and I don't like the history behind women taking their husbands' names. I just have no clue what I would do with my kids. Of course, I believe there should be some fairness in giving them their last names, with respect to both my parents and his. As others have mentioned, when many of us have suggested to our FIs that maybe the kids can have his last as a middle, they get upset, and realize that it isn't as "honorable" as having his name as their last name. 

    Then, I thought about giving the first kid my mom's maiden as a middle, with FI's name as a last name, and then giving the second kid my dad's name as a middle with FI's name as a last name, but what if I don't have more than one kid? And also, as stated above, it just doesn't seem very equitable to my lineage. And my kids would have a different last name than me (which I am OK with; I had a different last name than my parents. People always knew that I was their kid). 

    So my question, for you all that decided to hyphenate your kids' names: have you thought about what they are going to do when they get married, or do you think your kids will be able to figure it out? I am genuinely interested in ideas. 


    I believe my kids will be able to figure it out. Just as I'm figuring out what I want to do, I believe they'll be capable of doing the same as adults.
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  • I kept my last name. H kept his. I wanted to either hyphenate or create a new last name with elements of both of our names. H declined because he wanted me to take his only. That didn't happen so we each kept our own last name.

    He wants to give any future children his name only. I'd like to give them my name. We've decided to hyphenate the kids. 

    These were not easy decisions to come to. Ultimately, though, his name is his choice. He can change it or not. My name is my choice. I can change it or not. Either of us putting pressure on the other or making the other feel guilty for their choice is really not ok. We had some issues with that but we're at a place now where we respect it.
    So, my maiden name is actually already hyphenated. It was the 80s, and my mom and dad are both quite progressive, so my mom kept her name and my dad kept his, and I am like this: Sally (no middle) Mom'sLast-Dad'sLast. 

    My issue now is, I am keeping my name when I get married. I am keeping it for many reasons, including that I like my name a ton (my sister and I are the only ones in the world with it), have several scientific publications under my name, and I don't like the history behind women taking their husbands' names. I just have no clue what I would do with my kids. Of course, I believe there should be some fairness in giving them their last names, with respect to both my parents and his. As others have mentioned, when many of us have suggested to our FIs that maybe the kids can have his last as a middle, they get upset, and realize that it isn't as "honorable" as having his name as their last name. 

    Then, I thought about giving the first kid my mom's maiden as a middle, with FI's name as a last name, and then giving the second kid my dad's name as a middle with FI's name as a last name, but what if I don't have more than one kid? And also, as stated above, it just doesn't seem very equitable to my lineage. And my kids would have a different last name than me (which I am OK with; I had a different last name than my parents. People always knew that I was their kid). 

    So my question, for you all that decided to hyphenate your kids' names: have you thought about what they are going to do when they get married, or do you think your kids will be able to figure it out? I am genuinely interested in ideas. 
    I believe my kids will be able to figure it out. Just as I'm figuring out what I want to do, I believe they'll be capable of doing the same as adults.
    I agree, and that's what my parents thought too, but I worry about offending one or both of them with any of the options.
  • We don't have any children yet, but my mom didn't change her name.  It was never even an inconvenience.  It never made us less of a family.  I want people who are pro-changing names, to tell me one situation where you need to have to your names all the same to be a family.  
  • stef42188 said:
    [clipped]
    So my question, for you all that decided to hyphenate your kids' names: have you thought about what they are going to do when they get married, or do you think your kids will be able to figure it out? I am genuinely interested in ideas. 
    I don't assume that my kid will get married. If s/he does, I'm sure s/he'll figure out something that works for them.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2014
    We don't have any children yet, but my mom didn't change her name.  It was never even an inconvenience.  It never made us less of a family.  I want people who are pro-changing names, to tell me one situation where you need to have to your names all the same to be a family.  
    They won't. Of course you don't all need the same name to be a family! You can all have different names and be a family. But, like I said above, I do have a slight preference to match my (potential) kid's last name.... and I want their dad's last name to match too. I don't know why. I guess because that's what my family was like?  There's no easy solution to figuring out name changing when you aren't quite sure what you want. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2014

    We don't have any children yet, but my mom didn't change her name.  It was never even an inconvenience.  It never made us less of a family.  I want people who are pro-changing names, to tell me one situation where you need to have to your names all the same to be a family.  
    You don't  My DH's family has 3 different last names.  MIL uses her maiden,  DH and BIL use their dad's. 2 SIL's their dad's. They consider themselves a family.

    That said, it is easier for people to find family connections when people have the same last name.  People will say to DH "Smith?.... wait are you related to Joe Smith (his brother)?".    That never happens with his sisters.   With different last names and age difference, people do not even think to form a connection.    


    It's not a big deal though.  Maria Shiver is still known as a Kennedy even though her mom changed her name.  It's not like changing your name all the sudden loses your connection to your bio family.   








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 

  • We don't have any children yet, but my mom didn't change her name.  It was never even an inconvenience.  It never made us less of a family.  I want people who are pro-changing names, to tell me one situation where you need to have to your names all the same to be a family.  
    This makes me really happy. The only problem I've heard someone running into is a woman with a different last name than her husband and kids. She lives in the US, but is Canadian and whenever she takes the kids to see her parents without her husband, she has to explain that they are really hers, the father knows, and she is not kidnapping them or in some crazy custody dispute. They've never missed a flight, but it is annoying. Not such a terrible downside.
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  • I have no idea what I'm going to do re: changing or not changing my name. I don't totally care, although I'm leaning toward keeping my maiden name because it is awesome and I identify with it very strongly.

    For kids though, I have absolutely no problem giving them FI's name. I draw a line between the patriarchal (bad, damaging to us all!) and the patrilineal (organizational; a bit annoying but doesn't really hurt anyone). I wish mainstream American society was more like Hispanic or Russian cultures, which pass down both the mother's and father's names, but what can you do? (I mean, you could do exactly what these cultures do, of course. It just wouldn't work so great for me personally--my surname is 7 letters, his is 9, and the "flow" is nonexistent between them).
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I kept my name. We both have long last names so hyphenating our names or any future kid's names seems unwieldy at best, and combining them into a new name doesn't preserve the connection we feel to our names, so those options are out. If we have kids and the first is a girl, she'd get my name and a boy would get his. After that we can alternate. I think it is fair, especially if we have one, because then we each had a 50:50 shot. H isn't convinced yet, but I have time to sell him on my plan.
    This is exactly what I want to do.  But also, I am probably more likely to adopt than to birth a child.  I will probably choose to adopt an older child or two.  That child will come with a name.  If the kid likes his/her name, I have no problem with him keeping it even if it belongs to a prisoner father or deceased mother.  Or change it to their maternal grandmother's name who raised the kids until she got too old and had to put them up for adoption.  Or take my name, or my FH's name, or my mother's maiden name, or a cool combination of any of these.
  • I kept my name, when I married the first time in 1985, and he kept his. His name was very complex, mine's easy. We hyphenated our daughter's name. She's now 28, and when she got married 4 years ago she changed hers, uses my last name as her middle name. After 18 years, we divorced, I got remarried, to another guy with a really complex name. Now I have a career, where I'm pretty well known in my field, etc. So, I kept my name again. Occasionally, I'm called Mrs. Hislastname, and I don't care. More often, because of my work, he's called Mr. Mylastname, and he doesn't care either.
  • I kept my last name and am leaning toward option #7
    7. Keep my name, make my last name the children's middle names.
    I also suggested if we have a girl that we her my last name...we're not pregnant so we have to rush to any decisions. Shockingly I know guys who only insist on giving sons their name bc they are so attached to notion of passing it down and assume the girls wouldn't continue the name passing.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I am keeping my last name. My fiance doesn't have a problem with that but it did take him a few years to get use to the idea. We still haven't decided kids yet, although I'm leaning toward allowing our children to have his name (because that was the original deal) but he has a really common name and mine is rare.

    Really, it just comes down to what kind of first names we end up liking and if they fit with the last name. 


  • I kept my name.  I was almost 30 when we got married and to be honest, his name is boring.  My sister in law didn't change her name either.  The kids have her last name as a middle name and his as a last name.  
  • Ok, So I have the same issue, both FH and I have lost our fathers while young, are both attached to our names, to top it all off he is the only Male child, and I am my fathers only child. both our fathers have brothers and cousins to carry on the name, but it is about being able to honor our fathers names.. I have been leaning towards, taking his name, since my 4yo has my fathers first name.
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  • My name is pretty awesome and more importantly, there is no one left in my family to carry it on other than me.  My sister is already married with her husband's last name, and we have no cousins on that side of the family.  My last name is so unique that if you were to google it, the few people that pop up are my father's first cousins at a most distant relation - none of which have children.  My fiance is aware that I plan to keep my name and that I intend it to continue through our offspring.  I was comfortable with hyphenation, but since we both have long last names, he feels we should simply name our children different last names.  He has many more siblings and cousins than I, so though we've made no definitive decision on how to name our kids, we are leaning towards passing on my name to our first, his to our second, etc.  We also know we want children, but in no way do we know how many or when we would like to procreate so really, it's a simple answer of I'm staying me and he's staying him.  No one says you all have to share a last name to be a family!!   I enjoyed reading this thread - lots of good ideas to consider when the time comes.
  • I'm still undecided on what I'm doing. This has been a tough decision for me. I'm not completely changing my last name, because I want the link to my father who died when I was a child.  I'm leaning towards keeping my last name. If we decide to have kids, my FH wants them to have a hyphenated last name to honor both of our families. If we did have kids and they hyphenated, I would leave it up to them when they got older to change or not change their last name as it feels right to them, if the situation arises.

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