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Etiquette

Suprise Wedding--does anyone do this?

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?
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Re: Suprise Wedding--does anyone do this?

  • I haven't heard of it. If anyone tried that shit on me, I don't have words about how livid I would be.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
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    edited August 26
    I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?

    Buy a ticket for a wedding? No way! Cancel both and just elope.
    pinkshorts27auriannaAsheville122813Knottie01055312
  • That has to be one of the rudest things I've ever come across.  If I were invited to one I'd be out of there before the bride gets one foot down the aisle.
  • Haha. I'm not sure "miffed" would cover how I would feel to find out I bought a ticket for a wedding. Um. No. That breaks pretty much all of the ettiquette rules. Can't even pretend that was the wedding gift because I'd likely still end up buying my own food, drinks, ect.  Plus, what about all the people who thought buying a ticket to a s&d were dumb and decided to skip it and then missed the wedding they thought they were invited to!
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    PrettyGirlLostluckysnorkel
  • One of FI's old acquaintances was doing tickets for "anyone who wants to come after dinner" I refused.  I had a few people try to convince me to do the same I tried explaining how rude that would be and they don't get it.
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  • Well I would never in a million years accept an "invitation" to a Stag and Doe so I guess I'd miss out. Good thing for them though, because the rage beams coming from my eyes would likely burn the place down.
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    "I also need to give u in class,IT'S WRONG TO CALL NAMES BY INTERENT. I hope you improve personal quality." 
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  • Didn't Britney & K-Fed have a surprise wedding?

    Not exactly the example I'd follow .........
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    Anniversary
  • Didn't Britney & K-Fed have a surprise wedding?

    Not exactly the example I'd follow .........
    I think their invitations said it was an engagement party. Bait and switch for privacy reasons, I guess.
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  • Ugh...that's just a horrible idea. I hate the idea of stag & doe parties and would never, ever go to one so I'd just miss out on the wedding. But if somehow I found myself at a stag & doe and then it was a wedding I'd be livid.

    I don't really condone walking out of an event for poor ettiquete (making a scene is rarely a good idea) but I grab my stuff and go in that situation and I'd probably never talk to the lovely (sarcasm) couple again.
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  • adk19adk19
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper First Answer
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    Okay, removing for a minute that it's a Stag and Doe, what about the idea of a Surprise Wedding? My former roommate did this. They invited friends and family out to dinner at a winery, my friend (the bride) disappeared for a minute during appetizers, returned wearing a white cocktail dress, and she and the groom got married. I heard the family figured this fancy hosted dinner was going to be an announcement regarding a Destination Wedding and were pleasantly surprised by the wedding. So, if we remove the whole "buying a ticket" thing, is it ok?
    popep6
  • adk19 said:
    Okay, removing for a minute that it's a Stag and Doe, what about the idea of a Surprise Wedding? My former roommate did this. They invited friends and family out to dinner at a winery, my friend (the bride) disappeared for a minute during appetizers, returned wearing a white cocktail dress, and she and the groom got married. I heard the family figured this fancy hosted dinner was going to be an announcement regarding a Destination Wedding and were pleasantly surprised by the wedding. So, if we remove the whole "buying a ticket" thing, is it ok?

    Nope. I would still be upset.
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  • I think the only time a surprise wedding works is when you are celebrity trying to thwart the paparazzi. Is this woman's daughter or FSIL a celebrity trying to avoid paparazzi?
  • adk19 said:
    Okay, removing for a minute that it's a Stag and Doe, what about the idea of a Surprise Wedding? My former roommate did this. They invited friends and family out to dinner at a winery, my friend (the bride) disappeared for a minute during appetizers, returned wearing a white cocktail dress, and she and the groom got married. I heard the family figured this fancy hosted dinner was going to be an announcement regarding a Destination Wedding and were pleasantly surprised by the wedding. So, if we remove the whole "buying a ticket" thing, is it ok?
    Nope. 

    People want advance notice that what they're being invited to is a wedding.  However simple, casual, and/or intimate the plans are and however few the number of guests, it's not appropriate to surprise people by inviting them to a wedding without letting them know in advance that that's the actual occasion.  Especially if the occasion is billed as "intimate," "simple," "small," "casual," or something that suggests it's not a big or grand affair, people are more likely to decline.  If they decline and later learn that the occasion was a wedding, they'll be deeply hurt.

    Also, a wedding indicates that the couple are taking a major step in their lives, and to "surprise" their guests with it suggests that they don't take marriage very seriously.  It's like putting too many jokes in a wedding ceremony-it's just too off-putting.
    wrigleyvillePrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88doeydo
  • jacques27jacques27
    Ancient Membership 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
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    edited August 26
    Again, also removing the Stag & Doe thing (WTF is a Stag & Doe?  I've only surmised it involves people shelling out money so I'm reasonably certain it falls very high on the tacky and classless scale....)

    I do know of a couple who did this.  It was a couple already living together, they didn't want anything lavish, so they invited people over to their house for just a plain ol' ordinary summer barbecue.  After everyone was there, they pretty much said "Surprise, we're getting married!", ushered everyone into the living room, had a friend who was ordained online do a quick 5 minute ceremony, and then they got to grilling and drinking.  She just wore a sundress.  He was in khakis and a polo.  No muss, no fuss, and everyone had a great time.

    I think if the bride and groom and the event they are doing the surprising at all match, it could work (i.e. it's an informal bbq, the guests are dressed casually, the bride and groom are dressed casually or it's at a nice restaurant and everyone is appropriately dressed for a nice restaurant).  But I think if there is a disconnect there, it has the potential to make guests feel really awkward (i.e. the bride and groom walk down the patio stairs to their backyard BBQ in a ballgown and suit while everyone else is wearing shorts, or they include some of the traditional wedding trimmings like favors and toasts and then people may feel awkward that they were caught off-guard without a card or wedding present and feel like they need to make up for it later). 

    But the whole buy a ticket at a Stag & Doe thing?  Ugh.  Gross.  No.
    perdonami
  • adk19 said:
    Okay, removing for a minute that it's a Stag and Doe, what about the idea of a Surprise Wedding? My former roommate did this. They invited friends and family out to dinner at a winery, my friend (the bride) disappeared for a minute during appetizers, returned wearing a white cocktail dress, and she and the groom got married. I heard the family figured this fancy hosted dinner was going to be an announcement regarding a Destination Wedding and were pleasantly surprised by the wedding. So, if we remove the whole "buying a ticket" thing, is it ok?
    Still no.  I'm going to do whatever I can to rearrange my schedule to go to a wedding.  Nice dinner out, meh.  I'll go if I can, but I'm certainly not going to work for it if I'm already busy.  There's a good chance I'd accidentally miss it. 
    Yeah unless your only guests are going to be your parents and you know they'll be there, I don't like it.
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  • I'm fascinated by surprise weddings but they seem very hard to pull off well. 

    That said, the idea of the stag and doe in general is definitely not in good taste (at least here in the U.S.), and to make it then turn into a wedding is kind of gross. 

    You can have a lovely wedding for very little money, I don't understand why couples expect others to pay for a lavish event they can't afford themselves. 
  • adk19adk19
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper First Answer
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    adk19 said:
    Okay, removing for a minute that it's a Stag and Doe, what about the idea of a Surprise Wedding? My former roommate did this. They invited friends and family out to dinner at a winery, my friend (the bride) disappeared for a minute during appetizers, returned wearing a white cocktail dress, and she and the groom got married. I heard the family figured this fancy hosted dinner was going to be an announcement regarding a Destination Wedding and were pleasantly surprised by the wedding. So, if we remove the whole "buying a ticket" thing, is it ok?
    Still no.  I'm going to do whatever I can to rearrange my schedule to go to a wedding.  Nice dinner out, meh.  I'll go if I can, but I'm certainly not going to work for it if I'm already busy.  There's a good chance I'd accidentally miss it. 
    Yeah unless your only guests are going to be your parents and you know they'll be there, I don't like it.
    Yes.  I believe you're right.  I thought about doing this for a hot minute, but with my family scattered across the US and world, I'd have to tell people in order to get them here.  Then it wouldn't be a surprise.  And if I'm going to tell some people, why not tell others?  So the minute ended, and I'm not even slightly considering it.  But I thought it was right for my former roommate's personality (and all her VIPs living locally), except I think the guy in the foreground of some of the photos in jeans detracts a bit from the formality of the event.
  • I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about her daughter's wedding. She said that the stress had gotten to her and so they were turning their Stag and Doe into a wedding but weren't going to tell anyone about it. Now don't get me wrong I have no issue with a Stag and Doe but I would be pretty miffed if I went and it turned out to be your wedding that I just had to buy a ticket for. Has anyone heard of this before?
    I don't get it.
    Your friend should cancel the stag & doe (cuz yuck!) and then just do one of the following:

    1. Hire a wedding planner to take care of the rest of the wedding so there will be no "stress" on her.

    2. Elope / cancel wedding and just have private event with immediate family. Send out notices that the wedding will not be taking place as planned. Cancel all pre-wedding events (err.. cancel the stag & doe regardless). Return gifts sent by those not invited to the wedding. Cancel everything else. Done.

    3. Just live with it for a few extra weeks and get married as planned. I really don't see how getting married at the Stag & Doe (yuck) will be much less stressful. And so tacky.
  • My grandparents neighbors had a surprise wedding. They were both older and didn't want a big to-do, no gifts, etc. They invited all their friends over and then were like "yeah, we're getting married!" They had a quick ceremony that was very casual (I think she wore a white summery dress) and that was that. I think it's fine as long as everyone you want to be there is and it's really, really low key.
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    short+sassy
  • My grandparents neighbors had a surprise wedding. They were both older and didn't want a big to-do, no gifts, etc. They invited all their friends over and then were like "yeah, we're getting married!" They had a quick ceremony that was very casual (I think she wore a white summery dress) and that was that. I think it's fine as long as everyone you want to be there is and it's really, really low key.
    I don't agree.  Not everyone is in the mood for a wedding when invited to a casual get-together.  Invited guests who know they are invited to a wedding can put themselves in the right mindset when they're on the way.  But if, for example, recently, I'd just lost my job, broken up with my SO, or had something else bad happen, and was invited to spend the evening with friends, I would not appreciate being surprised with a wedding.
    MGP
  •      We had some family friends do this. They had been dating for 14 (yup, fourteen!) years. They invited us all to a fancy catered dinner at which they said some vows. There were about 30 of us there. I liked it, no fuss no muss and it was properly hosted with lots of food and drink. I didn't realize I should have been offended!
    perdonami
  • Fairyjen1 said:
         We had some family friends do this. They had been dating for 14 (yup, fourteen!) years. They invited us all to a fancy catered dinner at which they said some vows. There were about 30 of us there. I liked it, no fuss no muss and it was properly hosted with lots of food and drink. I didn't realize I should have been offended!
    I don't know that you necessarily "should" be offended.  It's just that a lot of people would be, KWIM?




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  • larrygagalarrygaga
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    edited August 27
    I would miss the wedding because you would never catch my ass at a stag and doe.
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    doeydo
  • My friends sister did this (minus the stag and doe) they invited everyone over to their home and the wedding part was a surprise. They had their reasons for doing it and they pulled it off well, but in general I am not a fan of it. 

    image
  • I think they're lame. I agree with PPs about preferring to be prepared to attend a wedding. A casual get together and a casual wedding are not the same thing. The wedding aspect changes the ambience of an event and it could leave the guests confused as to how to behave.
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