Asking to bring +1

Lhilb630

We have some friends asking if they can bring a +1 even when invitation was only addressed to them. I know bad etiquette but we can't afford for our single friends to just bring anyone. And now some of them are asking to bring a friend or sibling with. What to do or say?

AprilH81

As long as they are truly single just respond with "I'm sorry we can't accommodate friend/sister/brother, the invitation was just for you." It is awkward for sure, but they are the ones being rude by asking.

sarawifenow

First off, are these truly single people or do they have a SO? If they have a SO, they need to be invited.

 

Otherwise, I would just say, "I'm sorry, but we are unable to accomodate your friend/sibling. We hope you will still be able to join us".

beethery

If the guest truly single, it is not bad etiquette to only invite that person. You're in the clear, and you can tell them that unfortunately you can not accommodate for them to bring an extra person.

sarawifenow

@AprilH81, you beat me to the punch! Great minds, great minds.

Lhilb630

One friend was single but now is saying he has a girlfriend. My problem is his girlfriends change every other month plus why do I want this "girlfriend" at my wedding when I'll probably never see her again. And the friend asking to bring his twin brother who is a very bad influence (out of control partier) so we don't want him their influencing our friend we invited. But we know both of them but only stay in contact with the one we invited

photokitty

If they call up and say can "I bring my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?" You should say "Yes" as he is not a plus one, but a significant other. If they call up and say can "I bring my friend/sibling/random person I'm not dating?" You can say "No, I'm sorry we can't accommodate your friend/sibling" as they are not part of a social unit.

JCbride2015

Lhilb630 said:

One friend was single but now is saying he has a girlfriend. My problem is his girlfriends change every other month plus why do I want this "girlfriend" at my wedding when I'll probably never see her again. And the friend asking to bring his twin brother who is a very bad influence (out of control partier) so we don't want him their influencing our friend we invited. But we know both of them but only stay in contact with the one we invited

If he says he has a girlfriend, she must be invited.  Period.  You don't get to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship!  The bolded is very judgmental and a terrible reason not to invite someone.  Maybe she's the One, maybe she's not, but right now they identify as a social unit and must be invited as such.

The only exception is if he was truly single at the time the invitations went out, and has since started dating the girlfriend in the meantime.  In that case, it would be nice but not required to invite her, since she wasn't in the picture when the invites went out.  But if invites haven't gone out yet, or if they were already dating at the time, she must be invited.  

The twin brother doesn't need to be invited at all.  If the guest is single, a plus one is not required.

banana468

Lhilb630 said:

One friend was single but now is saying he has a girlfriend. My problem is his girlfriends change every other month plus why do I want this "girlfriend" at my wedding when I'll probably never see her again. And the friend asking to bring his twin brother who is a very bad influence (out of control partier) so we don't want him their influencing our friend we invited. But we know both of them but only stay in contact with the one we invited

It doesn't matter if they change every month.   If he has a SO let her come.    By the same logic you could get divorced so why invite your FI/husband?

As for those not wanting to bring a SO, it's fine to say no. 

Lhilb630

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

MegEn1

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

So he wants to bring a date, not a girlfriend. I think that's still a +1 no. 

I'm hoping to avoid this issue by sending invitations with everyone's name on them - even the SOs I've never met. I'm hoping that way that if people break up, guests won't decide to tack on a friend or a date just because they have the +1 'slot'. Inviting 'and guest' just seems impersonal to me - you're invited with your SO by name because they deserve their own name. If SO declines to come because he/she is no longer SO, then it is what it is. 

banana468

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

Then just say, "I'm sorry we didn't know you're dating someone now!   How long have you been together?   What's her name?"

If he says that it's not a relationship, it's fine to say no. 

southernbelle0915

Lhilb630 said:

One friend was single but now is saying he has a girlfriend. My problem is his girlfriends change every other month plus why do I want this "girlfriend" at my wedding when I'll probably never see her again. And the friend asking to bring his twin brother who is a very bad influence (out of control partier) so we don't want him their influencing our friend we invited. But we know both of them but only stay in contact with the one we invited

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

To both of the bolded pieces: So which is it? It makes a really big difference in what you should do.

If the first bolded is true and he called her his "girlfriend", then you need to invite her. If the second bolded is true and he wants to bring "a girl", then you don't need to. Clarify with him. It's a simple question: "Hi JoeSchmo - is JaneDoe your girlfriend?" If he says yes, invite her. If he says no, you can say, "I'm really sorry, but we cannot accommodate extra guests. Can just you still make it?"

As for the guest wanting to bring his twin brother, no. Obviously you would have invited the other one if you had wanted him to be there...

The general rule is: If it's an SO, they get invited. Period. Anyone else, it's a plus one and you can accommodate or not as you please.

Lhilb630

Thanks for your help @MegEn1 Yes the friends that have SO we made it very clear with there names on the invitations. We like for it to be a very intimate wedding and hope that we would know all of our friends and families Significant others that they would take the time to introduce us to them before the wedding. Like out for dinner or when we hang out casually. That is why I am so torn by just letting guests bring people they are casually seeing and we do not know. I personally think it would be awkward for the guest they bring because they won't know anyone.

banana468

Lhilb630 said:

Thanks for your help @MegEn1 Yes the friends that have SO we made it very clear with there names on the invitations. We like for it to be a very intimate wedding and hope that we would know all of our friends and families Significant others that they would take the time to introduce us to them before the wedding. Like out for dinner or when we hang out casually. That is why I am so torn by just letting guests bring people they are casually seeing and we do not know. I personally think it would be awkward for the guest they bring because they won't know anyone.

It's only awkward if you make it that way.   I met my husband's entire extended family when we were dating for 3 months and it was his cousin's wedding.    I had an absolute blast and still look at that event as when I was welcomed into the family.      

wrigleyville

No, it's more awkward to be someone's SO and not feel welcome just because you haven't met the B&G yet. These people could end up married some day. Start off on a good note, not an awkward one.

southernbelle0915

Lhilb630 said:

Thanks for your help @MegEn1 Yes the friends that have SO we made it very clear with there names on the invitations. We like for it to be a very intimate wedding and hope that we would know all of our friends and families Significant others that they would take the time to introduce us to them before the wedding. Like out for dinner or when we hang out casually. That is why I am so torn by just letting guests bring people they are casually seeing and we do not know. I personally think it would be awkward for the guest they bring because they won't know anyone.

It sounds like you're trying to do the right thing and that's awesome!

But I do want to caution you about the "we don't know them" "we have never met them" thing. If they consider themselves in a relationship, the person they're in a relationship with gets invited. Whether you know them or not. Whether you've met them or not. Whether you think the relationship is "serious" or "casual"... Just invite people w/ their SOs. It's against etiquette not to. 

Here's an example: A really good friend of mine lives across the country from me. She was dating a guy when we got married. I had never met him. She considered them in a relationship so I invited him. I met him for the first time at our wedding. They are getting married in 3 weeks. Don't take it upon yourself to judge the relationships of others. It's not your place. 

Lhilb630

Thanks everyone I guess I need to get clarification from him if it is his girlfriend or not. Thanks for all the suggestions and help.

MegEn1

This might be a good place to clarify this. My understanding was that if you send out the invitation and someone is TRULY single at the time, you are not obliged to invite their SO if they get one between invites going out and the wedding. It's nice if you can fit them, but it's not required. 

Is that right or wrong? If so, is it expected the guest will call up and say 'Hey FYI I'm in a relationship now as of last week, so two of us will be coming'? I'm not asking to be smarmy or get out of extending the appropriate invitations, I'm genuinely curious.

AprilH81

MegEn1 said:

This might be a good place to clarify this. My understanding was that if you send out the invitation and someone is TRULY single at the time, you are not obliged to invite their SO if they get one between invites going out and the wedding. It's nice if you can fit them, but it's not required. 

Is that right or wrong? If so, is it expected the guest will call up and say 'Hey FYI I'm in a relationship now as of last week, so two of us will be coming'? I'm not asking to be smarmy or get out of extending the appropriate invitations, I'm genuinely curious.

You are correct.  If the relationship is defined after invites go out it is NOT REQUIRED that you extend an invitation, but it is a very nice thing to do if you have the space and budget for one more.

huskypuppy14

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

Can we stop using Facebook as to whether or not someone is in a relationship. FFS, there are people i know that have never changed their relationship, even though they are in one. Some don't have their relationship on their profile.

Facebook is not the be all and end all.

M1ssJ

I do not think you're in the wrong. You sent your single friend a single invite, if you have room for whoever his "girl" might be then great but if not then you are not being rude by not inviting her after the fact.

Knottie53088390

Girl, do what YOU want. I don't understand why other brides on this site are telling you what you MUST do! Im sorry, I didnt realize that by responding to a post gives you the authority to make the final decision. Also, who is paying for the wedding and all of the MUST invites? You do whats right for you and your fiance and your budget!

JellyBean52513

Knottie53088390 said:

Girl, do what YOU want. I don't understand why other brides on this site are telling you what you MUST do! Im sorry, I didnt realize that by responding to a post gives you the authority to make the final decision. Also, who is paying for the wedding and all of the MUST invites? You do whats right for you and your fiance and your budget!

This is an Etiquette forum, so we tell posters what they MUST do in order to keep within proper etiquette. It's all about doing what's right by your guests. If your guests are in a relationship, no matter how new it is, they should be invited to attend with their significant other. To invite them alone is very disrespectful to them and their relationship, whether or not they will tell you to that to your face. Many posters come here not really understand how important it is to invite couples together, confusing partners with "plus ones." We just set the record straight. At the end of the day, people can and will do what they want, we just offer etiquette advice with the hope that posters will WANT to do the right thing for the people they're inviting to share their wedding day with.

Viczaesar

MegEn1 said:

This might be a good place to clarify this. My understanding was that if you send out the invitation and someone is TRULY single at the time, you are not obliged to invite their SO if they get one between invites going out and the wedding. It's nice if you can fit them, but it's not required. 

Is that right or wrong? If so, is it expected the guest will call up and say 'Hey FYI I'm in a relationship now as of last week, so two of us will be coming'? I'm not asking to be smarmy or get out of extending the appropriate invitations, I'm genuinely curious.

Yes, with the caveat that this isn't true if you send your invitations out ridiculously early (e.g. 4 months before the wedding).  If you send your invitations out 8 weeks before the wedding and someone gets into a relationship in that 2 month window then you are not obligated to invite their significant other, but it's a nice thing to do if you can.

Viczaesar

Knottie53088390 said:

Girl, do what YOU want. I don't understand why other brides on this site are telling you what you MUST do! Im sorry, I didnt realize that by responding to a post gives you the authority to make the final decision. Also, who is paying for the wedding and all of the MUST invites? You do whats right for you and your fiance and your budget!

What exactly is the point of posting inane drivel like this?

'Must do' means the requirements of proper social behavior.  Nobody is threatening to call the police to force an OP to do what we say they must do in a given situation.

afox007

huskypuppy14 said:

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

Can we stop using Facebook as to whether or not someone is in a relationship. FFS, there are people i know that have never changed their relationship, even though they are in one. Some don't have their relationship on their profile.

Facebook is not the be all and end all.

So much this! I was with FI a year and a half before we updated FB. It slipped our minds and one day after an old HS acquaintance basically hit on me on FB FI sent the little relationship request.

I'm bad at updating FB. I still work at the job I had 3 years ago and live somewhere I haven't been in 2 years.

ilovecake84

I had been dating someone for just a few weeks when rsvps were due for my friend's wedding. She told me the caterer didn't need final numbers for another 2 weeks, I could think about it for aa bit longer on if I wanted to bring him. I did end up taking him because it started getting serious.

Well here we are 2 years later and I'm getting married on Saturday. I'm glad my friend took our relationship seriously.

Oh, and neither of us has changed our relationship status on facebook. I probably won't even do it once we're married. Facebook is not the way to decide if someone is in a relationship or not.

allisoneliz

huskypuppy14 said:

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

Can we stop using Facebook as to whether or not someone is in a relationship. FFS, there are people i know that have never changed their relationship, even though they are in one. Some don't have their relationship on their profile.

Facebook is not the be all and end all.

Omg, agree! When my boyfriend and I (the most recent one before I met H) broke up and I had to change my relationship status on FB I swore I would never change it again. I had to make the ex-bf sit at his computer while we "broke up" on FB so we could both hide the stories from our news feeds. I just couldn't deal with "allisonelizabeth is single" or "bf is single" showing up on peoples news feeds. Breaking up is hard enough without FB shouting it from the rooftops.

Jen4948

huskypuppy14 said:

Lhilb630 said:

The invite went out when he was single. He RSVP with just himself then 1 week after getting RSVP he texted my fiancé saying hey was wondering if I could bring a girl. They are not official on Facebook and he is very up to date with his social media. Never said girlfriend just " a girl"

Can we stop using Facebook as to whether or not someone is in a relationship. FFS, there are people i know that have never changed their relationship, even though they are in one. Some don't have their relationship on their profile.

Facebook is not the be all and end all.

Hey, I was invited to a wedding without my BF even though we did declare ourselves to be in a relationship on Facebook, and I declined.  It was very hurtful, especially coming from someone I was close to.  It may not be the end all or be all, but it is a useful tool.  If someone does declare themselves to be in a relationship on Facebook, I think it's a pretty safe bet that yes, they do need to be invited together.

kmmssg

Knottie53088390 said:

Girl, do what YOU want. I don't understand why other brides on this site are telling you what you MUST do! Im sorry, I didnt realize that by responding to a post gives you the authority to make the final decision. Also, who is paying for the wedding and all of the MUST invites? You do whats right for you and your fiance and your budget!

Posts like this, and especially the bold, make me sad as yet another bride seems to not grasp proper etiquette towards her guests.  What really makes me sad is that this is the only post the OP gave a "love it" to.