Update on Me

[Deleted User]

Love how you keep responding with variations of "Yes, he would do that, only no, not really".

Artist rendering of the world Doeydo thinks she lives in: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lo53nzEzPx1qew57p.gif

RebeccaB88

jenajjthr said:

Doeydo I find it interesting that you will address other people's posts but not mine, the person who went through a relationship like yours. A person who had to face a SO who cheated on her. A SO who is abused her. Yours is doing both. Yet you keep making excuses for him, like I did. Leave, leave, leave. As much as I would love to say your relationship is the one that will beat the odds, he will make a 180 degree change. Life is full of puppies and rainbows. This isn't a movie, this is real life. Who he is now, is who he is. He is making you so very unhappy, that is never going to change. "I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I guess I just hope that the nanny software will deter or stop him from getting to the sites in the first place." He can turn this off, he can have another device, he can uninstall, then reinstall. Shit, he can say the FASD made him do it and you will buy it, hook, line, and sinker. You shouldn't have to hope, you shouldn't have to police him. He should want, at the very least, to promise you to never, ever go online unless in your presence. He can't even do that. "If he ever harmed my cats or another animal on purpose." He is harming you, on purpose. Are you less important than your cats? I know you think that the FASD gives him some leeway, but it doesn't. Not at this point. A person who really, really wants to make better choices actually tries. In less than a day he was back on his phone looking at sites. He doesn't want you watching porn with him because it would take away from the thrill of hiding it from you. I am no sex expert but I bet at this point he can only get aroused and get off by watching porn behind your back because it has become taboo. Normal sex with you doesn't give that thrill, hence you don't have it much anymore. At some point even porn won't do it for him anymore and he will have to escalate to keep getting the release he desires.

I would like to know the same answer too. *********** My ex had plenty normal testosterone levels and he managed to get some skank whore knocked up AFTER HE'D PROPOSED TO ME. (She had 5 kids by 4 different guys already, so I didn't buy that it was an accident). See, it didn't make him want me more. It just made him want all the things more). ************* I have PTSD too...diagnosed...because of what he put me through. He went to therapy with me, to MY therapist. He charmed her too. She totally fell for his bullshit. ************* I have no plans to coddle you. At this point, I can only assume that you are also getting something out of the sick obsession you have with your FI. Probably, you like the attention, and you think that without the relationship, you will be ignored and overlooked again, that you'll never have another date again. That's doubtful, but even if, it's better than being abused. ************** Also, the day when your FI beats the snot out of you because of something he claimed he couldn't control, the police will not care about his FASD. All they will care about is that he broke the law. He will get no special consideration. Then where will he be? The police won't have much respect for you if you bail him out, either. Trust me on this too. Even less respect when they come back again and again and you're still with him. ************** Do not wait for him to hurt your cat's. Get them out now. ***************** I also noticed you speak in a lot of uncertain terms. Possibly, maybe, if, think, could be, etc. And it seemed like you had to search for good things to say about him, and what you came up with is barely above common civility. Kills bugs and carries groceries? I do that myself, and so should you. Pretty sad that you've already considered how to take care of him if you're disabled yourself. That's when you shouldn't have to consider it. He should be able to stand up for himself. ******************* I'll go there: you're an idiot for staying. And you can't claim a disability as an excuse. ************* ETA: why, paragraphs, why????

LadyMillil

doeydo said:

  I think we are supportive of each other and listen to each other.  A good friend, family or roommate does this. He is there for me in my blubbering, nonsensical moments. Good friend/roommate/family  He understands and tries to help with my anxiety, PTSD, and my general weirdness. Good friend, roommate, family We like the most of the same movies and shows and we both like to stay in most of the time but sometimes go out, too. DH and I rarely like the same movies. We compromise and sometimes see what he wants, sometimes watch what I want. Anything we are adamant that we do not want to watch together (ex. he wouldn't watch twilight) we see with friends. We like to hold hands and do a little bit of PDA. Any guy can do that. He doesn't want to have the sex with you.   He kills the bugs I kill the bugs if DH isn't here and the kitty doesn't hunt it and carries the heavy groceries I get groceries first thing in the morning before DH is awake. I make 2 trips from the car if necessary.  We make dinner together or take turns.   In a lot of ways, he is more of a neat freak than I am.  He is usually the one to say that we have to do dishes or laundry or whatever.   All of this is not unique to him. A lot of guys like to cook, be neat and take care of the house.

All of the things you list can be done with by yourself or by a close friend or roommate. They are the bare minimums that some one in a relationship with you should be doing. One of the reasons that I chose to marry DH was that I know he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He planned my dream proposal and was upset when things didn't go as planned because he thinks I deserve the absolute best in life. If I was hurt he would drop everything to care for me. If I wanted to change careers he would support me and help me in any way he could. If there was a tragedy in my life he would be by my side, supporting me in any way I needed. If I wanted the moon he would do everything he possibly could to get it for me. All those cheesy love song lyrics about moving mountains, swimming oceans - DH would do that for me. You deserve that too. And right now you are with a guy that won't even hold your hair while you vomit . . . instead he tells you to close the bathroom door.

jenajjthr

Doeydo,

How a man treats the love of his life when she's not feeling well. My stomach has been bothering me and I finally felt a little better. I asked H for some sherbet, but then made a comment about wanting it creamy/soft serve. He went into the kitchen, nuked it for a few seconds, took a knife and fork to it, and smooshed the crap out of it, then brought it back to me. I got soft serve orange sherbet. 

What you talk about in terms of what he gives you, you can give yourself or a roommate can give you. Not a husband, not even a boyfriend. What my H just gave me went beyond soft serve orange sherbet. This is love, this is taking care of me in ways that I don't even have to ask for. He just does this because he wants to. He wants to make me happy, he wants to make MY life easier, not his. He could have just scooped it into a bowl and brought it to me with a spoon and I could have smooshed myself. But he took the time to make my life easier. This is how much I am loved. You deserve this too. 

artbyallie

Your posts are making me so sad for you, @doeydo. I mean, damn. This guy has no clue how to be a partner. I could date you better than he is. No doubt we'd have better sex, too.

Please see a therapist. I get that the idea of being alone is scary but staying with an asshole is worse. Yes, you said you don't want children, so I can't really ask if you'd like your daughter to see you treated this way or your son to learn to treat women this way. But would you want a friend to be in this situation? A sister? A niece? Do you think you deserve to be with someone you have to treat like a child by managing his money and putting nanny software on his devices? Surely being with no one is better than being with this drain on your emotions.

theartistformerlyknownas

artbyallie said:

Your posts are making me so sad for you, @doeydo. I mean, damn. This guy has no clue how to be a partner. I could date you better than he is. No doubt we'd have better sex, too.

Please see a therapist. I get that the idea of being alone is scary but staying with an asshole is worse. Yes, you said you don't want children, so I can't really ask if you'd like your daughter to see you treated this way or your son to learn to treat women this way. But would you want a friend to be in this situation? A sister? A niece? Do you think you deserve to be with someone you have to treat like a child by managing his money and putting nanny software on his devices? Surely being with no one is better than being with this drain on your emotions.

Well it's clear she doesn't think her mother wants to see her daughter go through this - she hasn't told her mom the truth.

doeydo

Thank you, ladies.  

No, I wouldn't want my mom/friend/sibling/whoever to go back to someone who kept lying and cyber cheating on them, because I would know that that person deserves better and is able to get way better.

  

I'll call my therapist on Tuesday and ask if she can refer me to someone to see just for myself (and try to explain that it is nothing against her, just that I want to try a different perspective or something).  

Sugargirl1019

I know you should not be with this man because of the words you use - I think so. maybe, I'm not sure.

I want you to know that I would answer every single on of these questions differently, and I wish you could too. I am CONFIDENT my H will NEVER cheat on me, NEVER sneak behind my back; I trust that he will ALWAYS tell me the truth and ALWAYS find me the most beautiful and sexy woman at the end of the day. I could go on and on of my confidence and level of trust in our relationship. Its not hard or scary for me to say it - it immediately pops into my mind without any doubt.

I want you to have the same kind of confidence and trust in your relationship! But yours is "I'm confident that he's trying to look at porn, get off from other women." That's so sad

The one thing that would end things for me is cheating. Porn would bring me right to the edge of ending it. But cheating, even texting other girls like he should be texting me, would absolutely end it.

Its because I'm so comfortable in my trust with him that he would never do anything like that. Men like this do exist! Real Men don't NEED or want multiple women or porn.

CMGragain

Doeydo, I am posting blind, so forgive the typing.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND FIND YOUR NEW LIFE!

DO IT!  NOW!!!!

QueerFemme

This guy is a douche. Do something for yourself. Stop allowing lies and bullshit stories and get the fuck out of this relationship. You shouldn't have to have nanny cam software in a grown ass relationship. Come on. Doey, you seem like a nice person, so I hesitate to be so blunt, but come the fuck ON! This is ridiculous.

APDSS22

Doey, what splits it for me is he didn't come to you, phone in hand, and admit to the inappropriateness and ask you to take his phone away before he hurt you again. He didn't initiate the "I need to change" conversation.

Someone has to want to change first, before they will make any progress. He can go to therapy, install nanny software, etc. but if he truly doesn't want the change he will just work around the new limitations.

As for what needs of yours he fulfills, I squashed a bug at work recently (even though I don't like them) for my pregnant coworker. I also gave her some of my lasagna and made cookies the other week because she was hungry and likes lasagna and cookies. I have no romantic interest in her.

I'm glad you're going to ask for an individual therapist referral. That should at least give you some of the RL support you need. Hopefully that will help.

SmileDamnit

Wait. I'm so confused. 

You are impressed with the fact that he cleaned an engagement ring and made it more "you", that y'all like the same movies, and that he carries the groceries and kills bugs….but you're NOT totally and completely appalled by the fact he lies consistently to you, refuses to have sex with you/prefers to engage with other women, and that he is a master manipulator??  

I've said it before, and I'll say it again (though I'm not sure why anyone even bothers) - this is a YOU problem (a self esteem, codependent, wannabe savior YOU problem). Continuing to seek approval and affirmation from the overly sympathetic TK ladies isn't going to help you. You are the only one who can help you. You've gotten great advice time and time (and time and time and) again. Maybe try heading some of it so you can get the fuck out of this exhausting and ridiculous cycle.

beethery

You are not the help, you are not a state-provided caretaker, and you are no back-burner SECOND FIDDLE.

Who the hell wants to be second fiddle to side-pieces on the internet? NO GOD DAMN BODY.

hellosweetie1015

doeydo said:

Thank you, ladies.  

No, I wouldn't want my mom/friend/sibling/whoever to go back to someone who kept lying and cyber cheating on them, because I would know that that person deserves better and is able to get way better.

  

I'll call my therapist on Tuesday and ask if she can refer me to someone to see just for myself (and try to explain that it is nothing against her, just that I want to try a different perspective or something).  

Your therapist should understand. Tell her that you are in need of making some serious decisions, and that you feel that a person who has no connection with your FI may be able to help you better than she can, as she's invested in both of your interests to a point. If she's a good therapist - and you seem to think she is - she will COMPLETELY understand. 

Doey, my thing is that you consistently give great advice to other girls, and yet you can't give yourself equally good advice. Please - look at yourself from our angle, not your own.

ETA: YOU deserve better and YOU are able to get better. If your mom, your sister, your brother, your CAT, were getting this treatment, you'd tell them to get out. Why are you still there, love? Really. You know that it's crap treatment in any other situation - why do you keep on with it? (Rhetorical question. Something for you to think about.)

jenajjthr

SmileDamnit said:

Wait. I'm so confused. 

You are impressed with the fact that he cleaned an engagement ring and made it more "you", that y'all like the same movies, and that he carries the groceries and kills bugs….but you're NOT totally and completely appalled by the fact he lies consistently to you, refuses to have sex with you/prefers to engage with other women, and that he is a master manipulator??  

I've said it before, and I'll say it again (though I'm not sure why anyone even bothers) - this is a YOU problem (a self esteem, codependent, wannabe savior YOU problem). Continuing to seek approval and affirmation from the overly sympathetic TK ladies isn't going to help you. You are the only one who can help you. You've gotten great advice time and time (and time and time and) again. Maybe try heading some of it so you can get the fuck out of this exhausting and ridiculous cycle.

Oh god THIS!  X10000!!!  You can love him until the day you die. This doesn't mean you have to be with him.

When you do see a new therapist, ask him/her about why you continue to stay in a relationship that is obviously destructive to you and your mental health. What is in it for you? He is obviously getting some "high" looking at porn/talking to women behind your back. Ask yourself, are you getting some "high" staying in this relationship, being the martyr, having people constantly feed you lines about how great you are/how bad he is, now get out? 

themuffinman16

@Doeydo, he has no desire to change, and this nanny software is just BS.  Do you want to constantly check in on him... for the rest of your life? People who have no desire to change to stop hurting the ones they love will just find a sneakier way. He will get another phone or tablet and use it in secret.  His urges are always there and he has no desire to stop giving in to these urges. You were in the very next room when he was doing this. Now, he knows he has to watch his back.  All it has taught him is that he has to be more discreet about it. 

   My older sister is an abusive relationship. She has been so soft on her expectations and was such a doormat to him, that she has no hope of asserting herself as an equal in this relationship. He has made her cut almost all of her ties with family and all of her ties with friends.  He controls her emotionally, financially, and physically. Her husband flipped out on her because she wanted to know how much was in her bank account. She is to NEVER know what is in their bank account. Why does she put up with this? Because he has no one. He was adopted, so he has this fear of being abandoned. He told my sister, if she were ever to leave, he would take their dogs and kill them as well as himself. She is still with him.  I am sure he hits her, as he abuses the dogs.  But you don't have to be hit to be abused. You just have to manipulate and control someone.

   Your FI is using his disability as an excuse.There are plenty of disabled people who work their asses off to overcome, or bypass their disability.  He has no desire to do that.  He wants that label. He needs you to know that he would not manage without you. You feeling sorry for him is his power over you. 

   Sometimes, the only way a person can get better is to remove their support. Addicts have to remove EVERY person from their life and go into rehab.  When they get out, they are told to stay away from anyone or anything that are triggers and enablers. It is only when the addict is removed from every person can they learn to stand on their own two feet and not give in to their addiction.  They have to really want it to overcome their addiction. Your FI will never want to overcome his sex addiction, because you have proved you will always be there, you will just be mad.

   I hope you sort this out. Unfortunately, I feel like this will just wind up with you wasting several more years on someone who only cares about himself. When you do get out, the secrets will come out, too. Most people who have sex addictions, rarely, stop at porn. I hope I am wrong, but this usually goes a lot deeper.  He is not afraid of you knowing about his porn, because that is the tip of the iceberg.  I'm afraid his issues are probably much bigger than porn on a computer. Good luck, doeydo in whatever you decide.

raissyrais

goldchocobo said:

Other PP's have said it all better than me, so here is a hug for my Canadian sister:

Canadian sister hugs unite!

mrsmagicgeek

Unfortunately, all the wonderful support in the world (and you ladies do give wonderful, loving support) isn't worth a damned thing until Doey decides she's worth it and deserves more. She says she's hearing it, but she obviously doesn't believe it.

LDay2014

I hate to say it guys, but she's made her decision despite all the great advice she's received. This is something she is choosing to continue being a part of and I have no more energy to waste on someone who doesn't want help. @doeydo‌, that means you too...you don't want the help that is being provided and offered nor does he. And that's your choice but I won't devote any more time to someone and something who doesn't want to change behaviors. You two are one in the same in that respect. You won't change, so why should he?

PrettyGirlLost

APDSS22 said:

Doey, what splits it for me is he didn't come to you, phone in hand, and admit to the inappropriateness and ask you to take his phone away before he hurt you again. He didn't initiate the "I need to change" conversation. Someone has to want to change first, before they will make any progress. He can go to therapy, install nanny software, etc. but if he truly doesn't want the change he will just work around the new limitations. As for what needs of yours he fulfills, I squashed a bug at work recently (even though I don't like them) for my pregnant coworker. I also gave her some of my lasagna and made cookies the other week because she was hungry and likes lasagna and cookies. I have no romantic interest in her. I'm glad you're going to ask for an individual therapist referral. That should at least give you some of the RL support you need. Hopefully that will help.

HE CAN'T CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!  He has brain damage. ><  And I highly doubt he suffers from psycopathy- that was a very far leap for even the arm chair shrinks here, sheesh ><

I'm not going to get into another argument with you guys on whether or not his brain damage is used as an excuse in their relationship for his negative behaviors and the issues between them.  I don't think so, I think those behaviors and issues are symptomatic of the brain damage.

HOWEVER, it is abundantly clear that this is not and will never be an equal and healthy relationship.  It's just not possible.  No amount of therapy and nanny software can fix his brain damage.

Doey, right now you are looking at a lifetime of being this man's parent, caregiver, and social worker.  You will never just be his lover and friend if you continue in this relationship, and he will never be able to be your lover in the way that it sounds like you want and need him to be.

However it also sounds like you are emotionally fused (<-- link) with him, and that you don't really have a desire to end this relationship.  Because I think, and it seems others agree, that is the only healthy outcome for you- to end the relationship.  Otherwise you will be stuck in this continual cycle of sexual frustration, trust issues, money issues, etc. for the rest of your lives.  And as other PP's have suggested, the issues could likely get worse.

sarawifenow

I am way late to this (I'll blame the weekend), but I just wanted to extend my support to you @doeydo! I am rooting for you and know that you will come out of this stronger than ever!

 

ETA: This is what I get for posting before reading. Doey, I still am rooting for you and wish you all the support, but the fact that you went back makes it so that he will NEVER change. Why should he?

KatieinBkln

PrettyGirlLost said:

APDSS22 said:

Doey, what splits it for me is he didn't come to you, phone in hand, and admit to the inappropriateness and ask you to take his phone away before he hurt you again. He didn't initiate the "I need to change" conversation. Someone has to want to change first, before they will make any progress. He can go to therapy, install nanny software, etc. but if he truly doesn't want the change he will just work around the new limitations. As for what needs of yours he fulfills, I squashed a bug at work recently (even though I don't like them) for my pregnant coworker. I also gave her some of my lasagna and made cookies the other week because she was hungry and likes lasagna and cookies. I have no romantic interest in her. I'm glad you're going to ask for an individual therapist referral. That should at least give you some of the RL support you need. Hopefully that will help.

HE CAN'T CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!  He has brain damage. ><  And I highly doubt he suffers from psycopathy- that was a very far leap for even the arm chair shrinks here, sheesh ><

I'm not going to get into another argument with you guys on whether or not his brain damage is used as an excuse in their relationship for his negative behaviors and the issues between them.  I don't think so, I think those behaviors and issues are symptomatic of the brain damage.

HOWEVER, it is abundantly clear that this is not and will never be an equal and healthy relationship.  It's just not possible.  No amount of therapy and nanny software can fix his brain damage.

Doey, right now you are looking at a lifetime of being this man's parent, caregiver, and social worker.  You will never just be his lover and friend if you continue in this relationship, and he will never be able to be your lover in the way that it sounds like you want and need him to be.

However it also sounds like you are emotionally fused (<-- link) with him, and that you don't really have a desire to end this relationship.  Because I think, and it seems others agree, that is the only healthy outcome for you- to end the relationship.  Otherwise you will be stuck in this continual cycle of sexual frustration, trust issues, money issues, etc. for the rest of your lives.  And as other PP's have suggested, the issues could likely get worse.

QFT. 

The truth is it doesn't matter whether "he sucks." This RELATIONSHIP sucks. It's unhealthy, it's unfair, and it's abusive. Ultimately, it is actually irrelevant whether he is a malignant abuser (with intentions to abuse) or an incidental abuser (as a result of his disability). The reality is, you are in a really bad relationship.

I am so glad you're calling your therapist for a referral to your own personal counselor. How would you feel about showing the new therapist some of these threads? Even if you don't want to do so, I do think it's wise to tell the new therapist that you've been sharing things with women on an online forum, all of whom unanimously agree that you can't stay in this relationship and expect any kind of happiness (if I'm wrong about the unanimity, someone, please let me know. I'll be waiting here, with my cricket-recording). Not that "the crowd" is necessarily a reason to do anything, but this crowd gives a shit about you and tolerates no bullshit in general. 

Anyone with a third-grade reading comprehension can see you're unhappy. Anyone with a fifth-grade reading comprehension can see that there's no way you ever will be, if you stay in this relationship. 

You love him. Maybe you always will. But love, while necessary for a happy, healthy marriage, is not sufficient to that marriage. Breaking up with him will not mean you don't love him. It will mean that you love yourself.

ETA paragraphs.

emmaaa

KatieinBkln said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

APDSS22 said:

Doey, what splits it for me is he didn't come to you, phone in hand, and admit to the inappropriateness and ask you to take his phone away before he hurt you again. He didn't initiate the "I need to change" conversation. Someone has to want to change first, before they will make any progress. He can go to therapy, install nanny software, etc. but if he truly doesn't want the change he will just work around the new limitations. As for what needs of yours he fulfills, I squashed a bug at work recently (even though I don't like them) for my pregnant coworker. I also gave her some of my lasagna and made cookies the other week because she was hungry and likes lasagna and cookies. I have no romantic interest in her. I'm glad you're going to ask for an individual therapist referral. That should at least give you some of the RL support you need. Hopefully that will help.

HE CAN'T CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!  He has brain damage. ><  And I highly doubt he suffers from psycopathy- that was a very far leap for even the arm chair shrinks here, sheesh ><

I'm not going to get into another argument with you guys on whether or not his brain damage is used as an excuse in their relationship for his negative behaviors and the issues between them.  I don't think so, I think those behaviors and issues are symptomatic of the brain damage.

HOWEVER, it is abundantly clear that this is not and will never be an equal and healthy relationship.  It's just not possible.  No amount of therapy and nanny software can fix his brain damage.

Doey, right now you are looking at a lifetime of being this man's parent, caregiver, and social worker.  You will never just be his lover and friend if you continue in this relationship, and he will never be able to be your lover in the way that it sounds like you want and need him to be.

However it also sounds like you are emotionally fused (<-- link) with him, and that you don't really have a desire to end this relationship.  Because I think, and it seems others agree, that is the only healthy outcome for you- to end the relationship.  Otherwise you will be stuck in this continual cycle of sexual frustration, trust issues, money issues, etc. for the rest of your lives.  And as other PP's have suggested, the issues could likely get worse.

QFT. 

The truth is it doesn't matter whether "he sucks." This RELATIONSHIP sucks. It's unhealthy, it's unfair, and it's abusive. Ultimately, it is actually irrelevant whether he is a malignant abuser (with intentions to abuse) or an incidental abuser (as a result of his disability). The reality is, you are in a really bad relationship.

I am so glad you're calling your therapist for a referral to your own personal counselor. How would you feel about showing the new therapist some of these threads? Even if you don't want to do so, I do think it's wise to tell the new therapist that you've been sharing things with women on an online forum, all of whom unanimously agree that you can't stay in this relationship and expect any kind of happiness (if I'm wrong about the unanimity, someone, please let me know. I'll be waiting here, with my cricket-recording). Not that "the crowd" is necessarily a reason to do anything, but this crowd gives a shit about you and tolerates no bullshit in general. 

Anyone with a third-grade reading comprehension can see you're unhappy. Anyone with a fifth-grade reading comprehension can see that there's no way you ever will be, if you stay in this relationship. 

You love him. Maybe you always will. But love, while necessary for a happy, healthy marriage, is not sufficient to that marriage. Breaking up with him will not mean you don't love him. It will mean that you love yourself.

ETA paragraphs.

I agree. Whether or not his behavior is to be blamed on his disease, the behavior is not going away. He is incapable of change (either because of the disease or because he doesn't want to change) and the relationship will remain stagnant. If this isn't a relationship you are okay with now (being a caretaker, parent, sole supporting, taken advantage of side of the relationship) then you will never be okay with it. That will not change. If you are happy in the state of your relationship, which we can tell you are not, then stay. Otherwise, I think the PPs have given some very good advice and we want what is best for YOU.

chkmeowt

@doeydo, I'd recommend borrowing/buying this book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025