Invites and Paper

No children, Mostly out of town guests

This may get a bit personal. The first thing my FI and I agreed upon when first starting to plan is no kids, the youngest would be a sibling who would be 15 at the time and all others are 16 and above. Unfortunately though, both his and my siblings are older, out of town by at least 6 hours or more, and have multiple kids each ( all under 7), none of which are invited. My parents are supportive of my decision to not invite kids, and I've already spread the word to my side who this rule would affect, all of which are completely fine with it. But when we mentioned it to his mother she got upset. She said that we couldn't possibly expect his oldest brother (who just had twins in addition to their 4 year old) to leave their children for a weekend, and that it was unreasonable to think that his brothers would both come if told their kids cant go.

Maybe its just me, but they have well over a year to find a sitter or trusted friend to watch their kids and I took a lot of offense to this. She started drilling me and FI about why we made this decision. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself to anyone but I tried to tell her, its personal. I'm personally not a huge fan of kids at an evening wedding. On top of that, my own daughter passed away and I feel like seeing other peoples children will honestly bring down my spirit on my day as my kid wouldn't even be there.

She is still trying to talk me out of this, and they are contributing about 70% of the budget. My FI is still holding ground with me. All of his family is traveling about 6 or more hours, as is mine. And its a holiday weekend. Should I consider changing this?

Re: No children, Mostly out of town guests

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    MCM0W0 said:

    This may get a bit personal. The first thing my FI and I agreed upon when first starting to plan is no kids, the youngest would be a sibling who would be 15 at the time and all others are 16 and above. Unfortunately though, both his and my siblings are older, out of town by at least 6 hours or more, and have multiple kids each ( all under 7), none of which are invited. My parents are supportive of my decision to not invite kids, and I've already spread the word to my side who this rule would affect, all of which are completely fine with it. But when we mentioned it to his mother she got upset. She said that we couldn't possibly expect his oldest brother (who just had twins in addition to their 4 year old) to leave their children for a weekend, and that it was unreasonable to think that his brothers would both come if told their kids cant go.

    Maybe its just me, but they have well over a year to find a sitter or trusted friend to watch their kids and I took a lot of offense to this. She started drilling me and FI about why we made this decision. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself to anyone but I tried to tell her, its personal. I'm personally not a huge fan of kids at an evening wedding. On top of that, my own daughter passed away and I feel like seeing other peoples children will honestly bring down my spirit on my day as my kid wouldn't even be there.

    She is still trying to talk me out of this, and they are contributing about 70% of the budget. My FI is still holding ground with me. All of his family is traveling about 6 or more hours, as is mine. And its a holiday weekend. Should I consider changing this?


    Technically you're not doing anything wrong. You and your FI are on the same page and are being consistent. I would be careful with this, though. How did FBIL react to the age restriction? Is this an issue that only FMIL has? Also, if it's a holiday weekend and they have 3 small children 6 hours out of town, finding childcare might not be as easy as you'd think. Also, the fact that your FILs are contributing so much to the wedding also makes things more difficult. Personally, I would allow the nieces and nephews to come. None of your other guests should feel slighted, as these are family members. But, this is your call. I do not suggest citing the reason regarding the death of your daughter, though. You simply need to say that you and your FI have made this decision.



    Anniversary
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited September 2014

    MCM0W0 said:

    This may get a bit personal. The first thing my FI and I agreed upon when first starting to plan is no kids, the youngest would be a sibling who would be 15 at the time and all others are 16 and above. Unfortunately though, both his and my siblings are older, out of town by at least 6 hours or more, and have multiple kids each ( all under 7), none of which are invited. My parents are supportive of my decision to not invite kids, and I've already spread the word to my side who this rule would affect, all of which are completely fine with it. But when we mentioned it to his mother she got upset. She said that we couldn't possibly expect his oldest brother (who just had twins in addition to their 4 year old) to leave their children for a weekend, and that it was unreasonable to think that his brothers would both come if told their kids cant go.

    Maybe its just me, but they have well over a year to find a sitter or trusted friend to watch their kids and I took a lot of offense to this. She started drilling me and FI about why we made this decision. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself to anyone but I tried to tell her, its personal. I'm personally not a huge fan of kids at an evening wedding. On top of that, my own daughter passed away and I feel like seeing other peoples children will honestly bring down my spirit on my day as my kid wouldn't even be there.

    She is still trying to talk me out of this, and they are contributing about 70% of the budget. My FI is still holding ground with me. All of his family is traveling about 6 or more hours, as is mine. And its a holiday weekend. Should I consider changing this?

    Good for your FI.

    You do not have to invite other people's kids, even if they are traveling in from out of town.  But the guests with the uninvited kids may still decline your invitation because their kids are not included-even though they have time to find babysitters.

    When it comes to your FMIL, have your FI tell her, "Mom, MCM0W0 are standing firm on this.  Our wedding is adults only.  I'm sorry that you're disappointed about our decision, but we are not going to change our minds and don't wish to discuss it further.  Please consider this a closed subject."

    Also, since she's contributing significantly to the costs, be prepared to have her withdraw the funding and pay for anything yourself that she's currently paying for if she does.
  • It is your wedding and ultimately your choice.  You are doing nothing wrong.  You've made your stance clear, she needs to move on. 

    But I do think it is reasonable for your FBIL to not attend the wedding.  Personally, I would not leave my young daughter to go to an OOT wedding, that's just me.  As long as you and your FI are okay with this, then the matter should be closed.  

    As PP said, be prepared for FMIL to withdrawal funds.  That's a large contribution which means she gets a say.

    On a side note, good on your FI for standing by you!  Good luck!
  • If the FILs are footing 70% of the bill, they should get a say in the guest list. If they want their grand kids invited, I think they should be invited. I understand why you don't want to invite kids, and there is no rule that says kids have to be invited. But finding childcare for an entire weekend is difficult, especially when your go-to sitters (grandparents, aunts & uncles) will all be attending the event you are trying to. I wouldn't want to put up any barricades to my siblings attending my wedding. If the wedding was local, not inviting kids shouldn't be an issue.
    image
    MairePoppy
  • Well, my FI is actually reaching out to his brothers this week and giving them a heads up. I have already told my side who this would affect and they are all okay with it, even my brother who is coming in from CO (wedding is in NY). His brothers parents and both spouses parents are divorced and remarried so the sitters are still readily available. And I would be really upset if they chose this battle when they have left the kids with their parents and in laws for over a week before.
  • MCM0W0 said:
    Well, my FI is actually reaching out to his brothers this week and giving them a heads up. I have already told my side who this would affect and they are all okay with it, even my brother who is coming in from CO (wedding is in NY). His brothers parents and both spouses parents are divorced and remarried so the sitters are still readily available. And I would be really upset if they chose this battle when they have left the kids with their parents and in laws for over a week before.
    1. Clearly not everyone is okay with it, because your FMIL is not. She should get input on the guest list since she is footing the bill.

    2. This is not a battle. Just like not inviting their kids is not a personal slight to the guests invited, declining an invitation is not a personal slight to the people doing the inviting. You aren't obligated to invite kids, but don't turn it into a flight by taking it as an insult if people choose not to attend because they don't want to leave their kids for a weekend.
    image
    JeeGooDowster
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    I'm sorry for the loss of your little girl. I can't imagine how painful that must be for you. But I wonder how you cope with seeing the nieces and nephews on other occasions. I hope, one day, you'll find comfort in being close to them.

    If you are paying for your wedding, you have total control over the guest list. It wouldn't be rude to not invite kids. At the same time, it wouldn't be rude of the parents of those children to decline your invitation. It ultimately up to the parents to decide if the little ones should be left for a weekend with a sitter.

    Your FILs are contributing a significant amount to the wedding budget, so they should have a significant say on the guest list. It's not fair to tell them they can't invite their immediate family.


                
  • Look this is within your purview and is acceptable by etiquette. But at the same time it is completely reasonable for people to decline, especially when it involves finding a responsible sitter for a long holiday weekend. That is asking a lot. So stick to your guns. But ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get upset if they don't attend. You made your choice. They are making theirs. 
    Liatris2010
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    Look this is within your purview and is acceptable by etiquette. But at the same time it is completely reasonable for people to decline, especially when it involves finding a responsible sitter for a long holiday weekend. That is asking a lot. So stick to your guns. But ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get upset if they don't attend. You made your choice. They are making theirs. 
    The OP does not mention anyone else making a choice as of yet.  The only person who seems to be upset or "making a choice" is her FMIL.
  • MCM0W0 said:
    Well, my FI is actually reaching out to his brothers this week and giving them a heads up. I have already told my side who this would affect and they are all okay with it, even my brother who is coming in from CO (wedding is in NY). His brothers parents and both spouses parents are divorced and remarried so the sitters are still readily available. And I would be really upset if they chose this battle when they have left the kids with their parents and in laws for over a week before.
    1. Clearly not everyone is okay with it, because your FMIL is not. She should get input on the guest list since she is footing the bill.

    2. This is not a battle. Just like not inviting their kids is not a personal slight to the guests invited, declining an invitation is not a personal slight to the people doing the inviting. You aren't obligated to invite kids, but don't turn it into a flight by taking it as an insult if people choose not to attend because they don't want to leave their kids for a weekend.
    This exactly!

    Whether they have left their kids in the past, or do so in the future is not the issue.  As parents it is their choice.  It's not a battle and if you choose to not invite their children they may choose not to come.  It's that simple.
    MairePoppyLiatris2010
  • scribe95scribe95 mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    Look this is within your purview and is acceptable by etiquette. But at the same time it is completely reasonable for people to decline, especially when it involves finding a responsible sitter for a long holiday weekend. That is asking a lot. So stick to your guns. But ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get upset if they don't attend. You made your choice. They are making theirs. 
    The OP does not mention anyone else making a choice as of yet.  The only person who seems to be upset or "making a choice" is her FMIL.
    Correct, but she made statements already that they have a year to plan and she would be offended if they didn't come. I was being proactive. 
  • edited September 2014
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    Do you live in the area where the ceremony is held? If so, why not hire a sitter there? That way your family can all attend, but you can still have a child free wedding.

    Many people don't like to leave their children with someone they don't know.
    doeydoholyguacamole79
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    scribe95 said:
    Look this is within your purview and is acceptable by etiquette. But at the same time it is completely reasonable for people to decline, especially when it involves finding a responsible sitter for a long holiday weekend. That is asking a lot. So stick to your guns. But ABSOLUTELY DO NOT get upset if they don't attend. You made your choice. They are making theirs. 
    The OP does not mention anyone else making a choice as of yet.  The only person who seems to be upset or "making a choice" is her FMIL.
    Correct, but she made statements already that they have a year to plan and she would be offended if they didn't come. I was being proactive. 
    It can be off-putting when you suggest that people are pissed and reacting to something that isn't even happening yet.  It just adds a note of hostility that doesn't need to be there.
    MCM0W0
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