NWR: Need advice from strangers. UPDATED

CA.Giraffe

Please don't quote me, I'll likely DD.

My son is nearly 17. I had him in high school, and his dad and I had broken up by the time I delivered. His dad moved away, and has been largely absent from his life - has gone up to four years at a time without a letter, phone call, or visit. The last time either I or my son heard from him was three years ago. Nobody from bio dad's family has been in contact with us for years. My son intends to take DH's last name when he turns 18 next year, and considers DH to be his father.

I found out through distant acquaintances that bio dad is expecting a child soon. I'm not sure if I should tell my son - on one hand, the baby would be a blood relative, but I don't really see any benefit to sharing the news with my son. Any thoughts? 

UPDATE: I mentioned the situation to my son earlier today. He thought about it for a moment, then asked "do you think I can assume my baby shower invite was lost in the mail?" with a healthy dose of sarcasm. Then he went back to shopping online for car accessories. He's extremely well adjusted, both to the absentee father situation and in general, so I think he'll be fine. And I'm off the hook. 

AddieCake

If it were me, I would want to at least know. And btw I miss you being around, lady!

jenajjthr

That's a tough question to answer. In the nice world, his bio dad would call up and be the one to tell him. But there is a thread going on about finding out about a half sibling later on in life and possibly meeting with them. So should he find out now, or later on in life when this child may want to connect with his/her older sibling? The other thing to consider is how reliable is your information? Even if I was 100% sure I may not be the one to tell my child. I may try reaching out to bio dad, letting him know what I heard and then seeing if he'll be the one to contact and break the news. If he won't, then I would bite the bullet and let him know now. Don't let him be surprised years down the road.

CA.Giraffe

The information is pretty reliable, I guess - I have a photo of ex and new babymomma eating spaghetti and announcing "We're Prego!" I don't know when she was/is due.

I don't have any good contact information for my ex - not even a phone number or email. I don't know where he works or lives. My son and I have both blocked him on FB due to some inappropriate posts he made about my son some number of years ago. I could get ahold of him if I wanted to call around, but...I'm not sure it's worth it.

I suppose I could wait until my son and I have a reason to talk about his dad, and mention it then. For all I know, she miscarried (I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, but shit happens).

CA.Giraffe

And Addie, I'm with you in spirit! I lurk quite a bit, but life's been taking up too much of my time to stick around for long.

doeydo

I would show your son the picture so he knows.  I would not hide something like this because he would probably be mad at you and everyone else if he was the last to know.

kimberly0315

I think you should be the one to tell him.  In an ideal world his bio father would tell him but that doesn't sound like it's going to happen.  You are a safe person telling him news that could impact him in different ways.  He might be happy, sad, angry or not care at all.  But I truly believe that it's better to hear that from you rather someone through the grapevine.  He's 17 years old.  Of course he still has a lot of learning and growing to do emotionally, but he isn't a baby anymore I think he would rather find out from you.  Good luck!

jenajjthr

Wow, lovely bio dad with the spaghetti pic. Mine at least called his kids, who then either got mad or cried in my lap (12 and 9). If bio dad won't call, then as much as it sucks for you, it will probably be best to hear it from you. Sorry you and your son have to go through this. 

ashley8918

My kids (6 and 4) have an absent bio-father that they barely knew. He was long gone before my 4-year-old even took her first steps. My 7-year-old know who hi bio-father is, but barely remembers him. ________________________________________________________________ Anyway, the POS now has a 1-year-old with one woman (who it appears he also has no contact with) and a baby on the way with his current girlfriend. I have no idea how I will handle this in the future, but right now, I have no intention of telling them. They are too young to understand, and it is likely they will never meet these siblings anyway. If I have my way, they will never see their sperm donor again either. At this point, he doesn't belong in their lives. ________________________________________________________________ ETF Paragraphs... or not?

CA.Giraffe

I'll probably just mention it to my son the next time his bio father comes up in conversation - it's not like I have enough details to make a big pronouncement. I don't expect my son to ever reconnect with his bio dad - the last conversation they had was bio dad telling my son he was thinking about "settling down and starting a real family", as my son was being wheeled back for surgery. Bio dad left before my son hit the recovery room, saying hospitals "weren't really his thing", never to be seen or heard from again. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I kinda feel like it's not worth much more than a casual comment. "So I heard your sperm donor made another baby. Crazy, huh? Pass the cornbread, please." I don't feel like it justifies a serious sit-down chat when he doesn't have/intend to have a relationship with this joker. That might make him feel guilty/conflicted like maybe he should have more feelings about it than he does, KWIM? He should be aware - he's nearly an adult, old enough to hear the truth - but I don't see him wanting to start a sibling relationship with this new baby.

lc07

Is there harm in telling your son? If not, I would tell him. It doesn't have to be a big deal or a let's sit down and discuss this kind of thing. But I think he ought to know about blood relatives existences. What he does with that knowledge is up to him.

BreMR

I definitely echo pp's advice.. I probably wouldn't show him the picture as someone mentioned, only because I think the last thing he needs to see is his dad happy with someone else... out of sight out of mind is probably best.  I would definitely tell though. 

 I know someone who got pregnant and was left by the guy while she was pregnant and he went on to marry and have another kid immediately, and he still has never met his first baby.  The gal I know has been very honest with her daughter from the beginning about her absent dad and why he's not around, but that he has another family.  

OliveOilsMom

I probably wouldn't wait to tell your son about this.  If you tell him when bio-dad is actually mentioned in a conversation and your son asks you "How long have you known?"  Wouldn't it be better to say that you basically told him right away?  I do like Lolo's approach.  Just randomly bring it up.  He is still a kid, but he is mostly an adult now.  So I think its best to tell him sooner rather than later. 

Next time you are having dinner with your son and H, just casually bring it up.  "Just wanted to let you know that I heard your bio-dad is having a baby with his gf.  I wanted to make sure you knew.  If you want to talk about this at all, let me know."  And if your son has ever seen a therapist before about his lack of a bio-dad, maybe then offer him a few private sessions with his counselor to talk this out.  But then I would change the subject.