Maid and MIL stress

futuremrsjmurphy

Okay I'm having several problems with my maids.

1. They're scattered all over. I'm in Georgia I have one here, 1 in OK, 1 in AR and 1 in so cal and my matron of honor in nor cal. I have two that said yes to being a maid but haven't really spoken to me since even though I set up a facebook page just for the maids and me. 1 of those maids said she couldn't get me an answer right away because of money but I asked her in April and now its September and shes telling me she'll have an answer for me after the holidays when my wedding is in May.
How do I politely tell these maids that I need to know if they are serious about being a maid or if they'd rather just be invited to the wedding? They all were given notice about what I expected of them from day 1.

2. My matron of honor is my sister who hasn't participated in planning or anything. I keep calling her and she never returns my calls or texts. I called her on it before and she just says shes too busy to talk to me and then says that if I want a different MOH to just tell her but I don't want to open up that can of worms with my family.
Is it okay for me to promote a maid to my maid of honor and just have two?

3. My MIL hates me. I mean really really hates me. She has called me every name in the book to my fiance for the past 10 years and repeatedly told him to break up with me to the point that she cut him off financially when he wouldn't. She now says that she is not coming to the wedding and that she will never stay in our new house because I live here. I have never ever even looked cross eyed at this woman so she has no real reason to hate me. My father in law says I need to be careful with her because she's f$%#^ psycho. 
Is it okay for me to not invite her to the shower even though I'm inviting her whole family to it? and
How do I keep the way I now feel about her from ruining my relationship with my fiance? She keeps buying him and our dogs stuff and very pointedly leaves me out in cards or gifts. I feel like if he cut off a relationship from  her she would see that her actions have consequences instead of being able to speak like that about me all the time and tell him not to marry me and still have a relationship with her son. I don't want to get between them but I also don't enjoy knowing how she thinks of me and talks about me and not having my fiance take a stand against it and show her that that is not acceptable.

Viczaesar

futuremrsjmurphy said:

Okay I'm having several problems with my maids.

1. They're scattered all over. I'm in Georgia I have one here, 1 in OK, 1 in AR and 1 in so cal and my matron of honor in nor cal. I have two that said yes to being a maid but haven't really spoken to me since even though I set up a facebook page just for the maids and me. 1 of those maids said she couldn't get me an answer right away because of money but I asked her in April and now its September and shes telling me she'll have an answer for me after the holidays when my wedding is in May.
How do I politely tell these maids that I need to know if they are serious about being a maid or if they'd rather just be invited to the wedding? They all were given notice about what I expected of them from day 1.
You don't.  First, there is nothing that they need to do other than get the dress and show up at the wedding.  You shouldn't have told them that you expect more out of them.  They are not your planning team.  Bridesmaid and MOH are honorary roles - you are honoring them for their role in your life.  There is nothing for them to do for your wedding and nothing for you to expect of them at this point, as it's too soon to get dresses.  They do not need to chat in your Facebook group.  They are not a new social circle.  There is no reason that your one friend can't tell you in January whether or not she can afford to be a bridesmaid - and her only costs should be the dress, for which you need to ask each of your bridesmaids what their budget is, and any transportation and hotel costs if necessary.
2. My matron of honor is my sister who hasn't participated in planning or anything. I keep calling her and she never returns my calls or texts. I called her on it before and she just says shes too busy to talk to me and then says that if I want a different MOH to just tell her but I don't want to open up that can of worms with my family.
Is it okay for me to promote a maid to my maid of honor and just have two?
It's not your MOH's job to participate in planning your wedding.  MOH is the person to whom you are closest, not your #1 bridal bitch.  The only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI.  No, you should not be promoting anybody to MOH in order to get them to plan your wedding for you.
3. My MIL hates me. I mean really really hates me. She has called me every name in the book to my fiance for the past 10 years and repeatedly told him to break up with me to the point that she cut him off financially when he wouldn't. She now says that she is not coming to the wedding and that she will never stay in our new house because I live here. I have never ever even looked cross eyed at this woman so she has no real reason to hate me. My father in law says I need to be careful with her because she's f$%#^ psycho. 
Is it okay for me to not invite her to the shower even though I'm inviting her whole family to it? and
How do I keep the way I now feel about her from ruining my relationship with my fiance? She keeps buying him and our dogs stuff and very pointedly leaves me out in cards or gifts. I feel like if he cut off a relationship from  her she would see that her actions have consequences instead of being able to speak like that about me all the time and tell him not to marry me and still have a relationship with her son. I don't want to get between them but I also don't enjoy knowing how she thinks of me and talks about me and not having my fiance take a stand against it and show her that that is not acceptable.

Why isn't your FI standing up for you with his mother?  That's something you should work out with him before you get married.  The way she is treating you should be unacceptable to him.

kmmssg

Vic gave you spot on advice.  I would also like to know the extent of your FI standing up for  you against his mother.  Why has he allowed this to go on 10 years?

RebeccaFlower

1) Stop calling your bridesmaids "maids." I know you're probably just using short hand but I think it gives off the wrong impression. 

2) You should have NO other 'expectations than showing up in a dress. So letting you know in January might be ideal, but as long as she can get a dress (which clearly should be off the rack if she's having financial issues). 

3) My H wouldn't be my H anymore if he allowed anyone, especially a family member to speak to me that way. She only does it because he allows it. 

MrsMcCaw

If your FI is not standing up for you now it will not change after you are married.

OliveOilsMom

Lower your expectations of your BMs.  You will be much better off and will not be disappointed in them.  Remember repeatedly all they need to do is show up in the dress.  And getting a dress in January for a May wedding is no big deal.  So stop bothering the BMs who aren't sure about being BM due to money.  Let the holidays pass first.  And remember no one will be as excited for your wedding as you and FI are, so stop close the fb group and stop hounding your friends.

As for your FMIL, invite her to the shower.  She will not do anything to you in front of a room full of witnesses.  And her not getting an invitation will only fuel her fire and spread things about you to the family.  

But the biggest issue in your post is why does your FI allow his mother to talk to you or about you the way that she does.  You are going to be FI's family now and he needs to start standing up for you.  If you are in premarital counseling, this would be a great place to bring it up.  Your FMIL won't suddenly change because you are married.

lilacck28

PP gave great advice. I agree with it all. 

I want to reiterate and add a caveat to what @oliveoilsmom said: I would suggest that you encourage the host of your shower to Invite your FMIL. Do not be the bad guy, or give her anything that could help make you seem as if you are. Make her the bad guy. Be as sweet and polite to her as possible. It stinks, but that's how you win the war. 

HOWEVER, who is throwing you the shower (hint, it should not be you)? Because, ultimately, it is up to that person. If it is, say, your sister, and your sister HATES your FMIL, you can't force her to invite her. But still, encourage her to be invited, and tell your Fiance that you would like his mother to come. 

JCbride2015

Everything PPs said.  Lower your BM expectations-- it's not their job to plan your wedding or throw parties.  Fi needs to stand up for you.  And the host of your shower (not you) should be encouraged to invite FMIL.  You don't need to throw fuel on that fire.

PhoneCardLady

futuremrsjmurphy said:

Okay I'm having several problems with my maids.

3. My MIL hates me. I mean really really hates me. She has called me every name in the book to my fiance for the past 10 years and repeatedly told him to break up with me to the point that she cut him off financially when he wouldn't. She now says that she is not coming to the wedding and that she will never stay in our new house because I live here. I have never ever even looked cross eyed at this woman so she has no real reason to hate me. My father in law says I need to be careful with her because she's f$%#^ psycho. 

When my bff's mom found out that she was having sex with her FI (FYI, bff was out on her own) she threatened not to come to the shower and wedding.  She also threatened to disown the other two if they went to and/or participate in the wedding.  Brother stayed away since he was a drug addict but the sister ignored the demand.

When my bff had her first child, it just happened to be on the same day as her mom's birthday.  Three days later there was a bouquet of flowers for the baby and nothing else was ever said.

BMoreBride6

RebeccaFlower said:

1) Stop calling your bridesmaids "maids." I know you're probably just using short hand but I think it gives off the wrong impression. 

2) You should have NO other 'expectations than showing up in a dress. So letting you know in January might be ideal, but as long as she can get a dress (which clearly should be off the rack if she's having financial issues). 

3) My H wouldn't be my H anymore if he allowed anyone, especially a family member to speak to me that way. She only does it because he allows it. 

This.  It drives me pyscho.